Pipster's Journal

[rugbysteve]

Hey pipster,
I am glad to hear that you are making such progress. The dealing of emotions up front, I think, is a healthy thing. Your "thinking sessions" are a lot like the things I have done recently as well. I think that this is a healthy and good thing for us to do; it gets the emotion out instead of holding it in where we feel like we have to cover it up with cigarettes or P.
Keep it up! I'm sure you'll make it past your three week mark.
-steve

[pipster22]

steve, i agree. the thinking sessions seem to really help me.. most of the time. probably since i have been bottling these emotions up for the past year - it feels really good to be able to just deal with them.. even though it kills me.

tonight i had more urges. i had to be on my laptop for a pretty large amount of time, working on an english paper. english was always my strong suit but apparently senior year is actually trying to prepare us for college - super hard! i wanted to relapse so bad and i can probably gaurentee had the parental controls not been on i would have. the parental controls basically stop all urges because i know i have to go out of my way to get them off, i cant just 'accidently' bump into P..

i was able to get more than 1/2 way through the paper (which was my target goal for tonight) with no p, no mb, and no cigarettes! it feels good but i am still incredibly stressed out. this week is going to be super hard but luckily that usually means it will go by pretty fast! this week/end is supposed to be super nice which i am so excited about.

i am excited to continue on with my journey, but at the same time pretty scared as i am approaching my 20's - since i have only been there twice in the past year. now is when i need to keep all concentration.

hope all is going well with everyone else who may be reading this.
-pippyyy

[23mole]

That's great.
Coincedently I have been working on 3 or 4 papers as well (but I have put off my english one as it isn't due for another week and a half. And about approaching the 20's, well I've never been here (its a nice place so far) but take it a day at a time. I don't know how many times I have seen that written on these forums but its true. And remember, I'm here on the same day with you.

23mole

[Bird-boy]

Thank you Pipster for coming over to my journal to help me out.

That's all for now. Keep a good attitude up! :)
-Bird.

[pipster22]

I feel like i am going crazy.

Today was an okay day, a lot of the stress i had previous in the week is gone - although i am going to continue to be stressed for a while.

My urges are coming back as strong as ever. I am going crazy. I want to relapse so badly; i miss it so much. Its such a messed up situation because half of me wants to relapse so badly, but the other half knows its not even a possibilty and there are countless horrible side effects if i do choose to relapse. Its horrible.

I feel like i have all this pent up tension, not even necesarily sexual tension. I just haave all this tension that i cant get rid of. i dont know if i want to cry, scream, punch someone, or get run over by a car. I feel so crazy.. as if i have all these emotions inside of me and no way to release them. i dont know what to do.

i have also started to have extremley weird flashbacks. flashbacks from my childhood, my teen years and then also some recently. some of the ones recently have included how ive treated my family and friends because of my porn addiciton. mainly how i have shut my parents out and have blantatly ignored them / left the room when they enter. it makes me feel very bad.

i honestly have no idea what i am going to do. i know for one thing i wont be relapsing, that will do no good. i guess i just have to wait it out and assume this is just another phase i am going through. hopefully things will calm down sooner rather than later. unfortunatley i have a huge paper due next week which i will be doing this weekend. i have friday off - and both my parents will be gone at work all day. i am a little worried about that, however before i would relapse with P i know i would pull all my cards out first. IE, masterbate and go outside on my deck and smoke <-- neither of which i want to do. i am still quite thankful for my parental controls so that when im writing my paper and researching stuff on the internet, i cant just accidently slide onto P.

I am trying to keep my head as high as possible. Take things a day at a time. Im trying not to look far into the future, because as i have figured out from previous attempts to quit, it only makes me overwhelemed and therefore more prone to relapse.

Hopefully things will get better over the long weekend.

-PIPPSTER

[rugbysteve]

Hey Pipster,

Sounds like you're going through a lot. Stick with your resolve though, don't let yourself relapse. Just take things one minute at a time if you have to.

Stay strong!
-steve

[23mole]

C'mon pipster. I know you can resist it.
Show your addiction what you are really made of.

23mole

[Daniel]

I just haave all this tension that i cant get rid of. i dont know if i want to cry, scream, punch someone, or get run over by a car. I feel so crazy.. as if i have all these emotions inside of me and no way to release them. i dont know what to do.

i have also started to have extremley weird flashbacks. flashbacks from my childhood, my teen years and then also some recently. some of the ones recently have included how ive treated my family and friends because of my porn addiciton. mainly how i have shut my parents out and have blantatly ignored them / left the room when they enter. it makes me feel very bad.

Hang in there Pipster.

You're certainly in a major storm and you will be strong if you can get through this test.

The flashbacks etc. For a long time (some longer than others) we stuffed everything down or blanked it out/neutralized it with P; we didn't have to really think about anything; serious processing of difficult emotions did not take place because we (I) ran to our drug of choice (P in my case) and had a binge instead.

Now you're not doing that. And now these chickens are home to roost -the emotions are needing to be dealt with in a healthy way that won't leave you a wreck when it's done.

It's a hard thing and I am rooting for you to break through. And the rest of us are too! Go Big,

Daniel

[pipster22]

Daniel, I totally agree with you. they are completely things that i have pushed back and not dealt with because i had porn to cover them up with. however, there are some of when i was younger - before i was adidcted, which is pretty weird but i am dealing with it. i try to accept the memories but most are too hard to deal with. i just cant think about how many people i have hurt from this addiction, including myself.

tonight i realized i am done smoking.
its stupid, gross, pointless, disgusting and most of all NOT going to help me with my porn addiction. last weekend i smoked three and i had no cravings whatsoever during the week ( the whole reason i would even smoke, trying to crave cigs instead of porn ) tonight i waas out and about and had a cigarette (2) with some friends. i realized then that this is just not something i am into.

what makes it worse is that the only reasons my friends even smoke is because of me. i have the pack and i bring it where we go. if i didnt bring it they wouldnt just normally smoke.

so, is it worth influencing the people i love to get lung cancer? just so i can take the easy way out of my porn addiction? is it fair that i am trading my depression in for lung, among many other types, of cancer?

No. This is something i have to do alone. (No extra substances)


I feel like i am losing porn. my old best friend. and its hard.

i feel this empty spot inside of me, where porn used to be. instead of trying to fill that empty spot with masterbation or cigs, i need to let time heal me and put whatever it needs to in this empty space in my soul. i am confident it will find something.

i feel that i am at a huge turning point. usually around this time things go sour, fast. but now.. while i must admit i have much sexual frusteration deep inside of me, i barely ever think about porn. i think my brain and body have finally realized.. it's over. i wont let it continue anymore.

i am getting excited to reach my 30 day and to continue on. i have only gotten to day 30 once before in my life. i can only imagine the pleasure i am going to feel with myself when i am able to beat it and continue.

things are going well right now.
tomorrow is friday and i will be home alone all day. i am happy i decided to throw my pack of cigs / lighter out because now i wont be tempted to go out for a smoke.. just for the hell of it. however.. i fear i may now have porn urges. i guess i will just have to wait... :( im going to try to keep busy throughout the day, trying to not be home for much of it.

-pippppyyyyy

[Bird-boy]

I am happy that you're doing well and realizing all those things.

To me, I think empty spots are going to seek pleasure, but somehow we have to alter and change it so that the pleasure is moral and constructive, not anything grossly pleasureful (like pn.)

I guess it might be difficult for both of us to neutralize that empty spot, but that's were we both are in our journeys.

birdboy