Pipster's Journal

[pipster22]

boy, i guess that would make sense. i think she started getting worried that i would hurt myself (which i never would i dont know where she got that impression) and was worried about legal isseus or something.. oh welll.

this weekend has been pretty good. yesterday i got a ton of homework out of the way, basically worked from noon to five which i am now of course really happy about today because now all i have to do is read a few articles and a book - so pretty low key. i also made plans for breakfast/lunch whatever you wanna call it for later today too so i will be getting out of the house! hopefully all my provisions for this weekend are going to pay off and finally let me have a stress-free sunday.. and then of course a porn free sunday!

this weekend i had a total of about 5 cigarettes and i am really starting to enjoy them. they no longer make me dizzy or nauseas - just give me a pretty good buzz. i think i am building up a tolerance to them. i bought my own pack and a lighter so now i can do them basically whenever i want, but not really because i cant come home smelling like shit. i am going to try my hardest to only do them on the weekends because for my situation thats all i really need them for. also, that way during the week instead of 'craving' porn i will be craving and thinking about cigarettes. the only downfall is right after ive had a cig i am so happy that i am like "oh pshh i can go back to porn life is great! i think i will when i get home.." luckily, before i get home this feeling has worn off.

so i guess everything as of now is going well. i havent masturbated in about 7 days which i think has helped also.. except now i am pretty horny and am starting to think about - not porn - but people i personally know or people ive made up in my mind ( sorry if this is too much info ) so i think i am going to masterbate later today just so i dont get too horny and end up blowing it. maybe i can make it a routine masterbating once a week on sundays.. i feel like that would also be good so then i dont have any wishes to view porn on this boring day.

whatever ends up happening, i feel like this really is the last relapse. i hope i can keep up this good mood.

-pippyyy

[23mole]

Hey Pipster,
Just saw that you had recently posted and I read some of your journal. About your phone. Is there a way to shut off data or images to the phone from the company? I know that my phone is kinda set up like that and it acts like only a phone (you know, calls only). Maybe that could help. As for relieveing stress, I found there's a game that plays your music and you "ride" it. Sorta trippy but well worth it when it comes to calming down and stepping back from my current situation. Audiosurf: Ride Your Music I would really recommend trying it over cigarettes which appears almost like self mutilation. And on the front of providing a physical pain to you, I thought much the same way for a little bit, that I needed a physical aspect to properly quit, but after a while it stops being painful. Like you said, you found yourself liking the cigarettes and even bought yourself a pack. They have lost the physical pain and have become just another consequence-free addiction, like P. Just my 2 cents. Hope you sucede and by the way, I'm also on day seven, lets pull at this together.

23mole

[pipster22]

mole, i have actually thought about turning my cell phone internet off/getting a new cell phone without internet many times. unfortunatley my messed up mind wont let me do that. in my head i have to deal with this cold turkey.. i figure i cant just take the easy way out and get rid of the internet because i mean, the internet will always be there. i cant just throw my laptop away when i am in college or turn the internet off, althought i really wish i could..

yesterday was a really bad day. there was no reason why; it just was. i am thinking it might have something to do with the fact that i masterbated on sunday, which wouldnt really make sense because normally i can masterbate without porn and feel fine. today, however, has been much better and more relaxed. i am pretty stressed out with school but am able to control it on my own (no porn, no cigs). i am starting to think this time is really going to be the last..

on the other hand, the only thing i am really thinking about is cigarettes, which is seriously starting to scare me. it has gotten to the point where instead of surfing porn, i am surfing cigarettes (literally). i am on youtube, watching people smoke and also reading up on which kinds i would like to try. from all this searching, of course, i have ran into the facts. what smoking actually does to you - and it scares me. i do not want to die a slow and painful death.. but i know if this porn addiciton continues it will only lead to death as well. i am scared because right now i am able to control how much i smoke, but as i continue to smoke maybe 2-3 every weekend.. will the cravings increase? or will the cravings stay managable? i have found it actually helps me a lot during the week because when i am stressed out i just want to smoke, not look at porn and masterbate. so in that sense it has helped.. but on the other hand.. am i trading in my depression for lung cancer?

i figure as long as i can keep the cigs under control (only smoking on weekends) i am fine with it. it will be temporary and i will hopefully quit over the summer.. (uhh..we'll have to see) but as of now 3 a weekend is just enough to keep my mind off porn for the week. hopefully i am able to keep it managed.

besides from that, there is nothing really new except the complete change of thoughts in my head. its my 9th day and things are okay. i know harder times will be coming along down the road but i really cant bare to even think about it. i am looking forward to getting through this, for the final time.

its funny because, my parents are going out of town this weekend (or at least part of it) and funny enough i am not looking foward to being alone so i can look at porn all day. the first thing that came to mind was me, on our deck smoking my pack -- which is sorta where my concerns are coming in.

are cigarettes simply replacing my porn addiction? when i quit cigarettes will i have to relapse to porn? i thought i had already dealt with the reasons why i even am addicted to porn, but is this indicating that i havent?? unfortunatley none of these questions will be able to be answered until i can look back on this and answer them myself. i know im taking a risk by getting into cigarettes, but i have to remember why. i wont spend the rest of my senior year being a depressed kid whose addicted to porn. i would rather be addicted to cigarettes and be happy; i want to enjoy the last 4 months.

I just want to be happy. I want to be able to talk to my parents instead of being ashamed at who i have become. i dont want this year to be the last memory i have of living here.. it has to be over.
i pray this doesnt **** me over and leave with me two addictions - but as of now the cigarettes are winning the battle, thankfully.

This weekend will be my 2 week mark, 14 days. its a big step because normally i dont get too far past it. i think its going to say alot about if this time is for real or if i am only kidding myself. i hope i can stay away from the porn.

- pipsterrr

[23mole]

I think that this is coming from the chemicals. I am sure P and MB manipulates body chemistry, you know, an endorphin here or there but cigarettes have nicotine in them. Nicotine is a powerfully addictive substance so even if you are free from the P addiction, the nicotine might be confusing you. I knew I guy that got addicted to cigarettes once (don't worry, he kicked it) but between nicotine gum and chewing on a gulf tee (to replace the cigerette) he got threw it. Maybe you could try the gum during the week to see if you can transfer the cigarettes to the gum before any deep rooted addiction takes place? Just some food for thought.

23mole

[23mole]

hey, you sounded happy.
I really hope that I can make it on this try (don't we all) but I'm just taking it day by day and not thinking about it. You should keep up the good work too. After all, 10 days is nothing to snub at. Good luck.
23mole

[pipster22]

me too mole, me too.
i really feel like this time is different. besides coming to this website a lot, i am barely thinking about P at all. but then again, it is still fairly early. i am excited to be on our 10th day. it is a pretty big deal. i will be thinking about you over the next few days and wish you the best while getting into new territory of the recovery process, 12 days is great.

i have been trying to take a lot of time out my schedule just to think. think about why i am here, on this website. i know exactly why i am here. last year in march i lost a huge part of my life. i don't want to get into it, not now anyway, but i have been going back to that time and trying to actually grieve. i think because the day after the incident i started using porn heavily, i have never really been able to grieve. it is very painful to think about it and accept that it is gone and forever will be. it has helped, however. i am on my way to acception.

i feel like for the past year i have been using porn to cover up my sadness, not wanting to deal with it. this time during my recovery process i am not just doing it with my eyes closed. as i am coming out my porn addiction i am actually dealing with these problems head on. i figure if i dont deal with the underlying issues i will nevef be able to truley beat it. its hard because when you've lost someting so big in your life, do you truley ever get over it? anyways, i know i am feeling better and thats all that really matters.

[rugbysteve]

Hey Pipster,
It makes me very glad to see this revelation of yours. It might have been something you realized a while ago, but to have it written down is good. I feel like we (people in general) find it very hard to let ourselves grieve over anything, because to do so would be to admit that what's gone is gone. Instead many, like you and I, end up covering up our emotions with addictions.

When I read your post, Pipster, for some reason tears welled up in my eyes. I feel like reading about how you are sad somehow connected with my own sadness. I am glad that you are able to now confront your sadness and emotions head on and it is what I am trying to do as well. It is very difficult, but you are right that it is the best way. To be honest, I do not think anyone "gets over" a very big loss in their life, but it is possible to find a place where you can be happy again. To do this, you have to let yourself feel, even if sometimes what you feel hurts inside. It is ok to be sad, so let yourself be sad for as long as you need, whenever you need. Give yourself time to grieve and don't feel like you have to put on a happy face for anyone.

It helps just to get things out.
-steve

[pipster22]

Steve i am glad my post touched you so much, it was really nice to be able to write it. acception is a super hard thing to do but its really the main thing a PA has to do in order to get over the addiction. it is is so hard to accept that it is gone forever and honestly, quitting porn and accepting the fact that now i dont even have porn is basically like losing it all over again. unfortunatley we just have to deal with the problems head on and not cover them up with porn. accepting the loss is such a hard thing but you just have to be brave and deal with it - no longer just hiding behind porn, living in a fog.

it is perfectly fine to be sad, it just happens to not be too much fun. its so much easier to drown yourself in porn and not have to deal with the consequences or feel the pain thats waiting for you.. but sooner or later i think everyone realizes that the porn addiction lifestyle is not a happy nor healthy one.

today is my 11th day clean and things are going pretty well. i am starting to get my first urges, which are right on time. so far i am able to shut the urges down right away and just think about something else. after i have the urges it makes me sick to even think about the fact that for that one millisecond i wanted to relapse. relapsing is just not an option anymore; i feel like because i am now physically hurting myself (smoking) to rid myself of the PA i now have even more incentive to beat this thing. ie: the longer i relapse, the longer i am smoking.

i am getting a bit nervous for this weekend, knowing i will have a lot of stress. i have to be able to stay away and keep clean. this monday is the first day of march which means spring will soon be here. i cannot suffer through another spring depressed. spring is my favorite time of the year and i cannot have myself staying inside huddled around my cellphone ( or laptop now.. )

[Boy with a Problem]

Hey Pip,

How has the weekend been so far?

Hope you're going well. :)

[pipster22]

The weekend has been great :)
Yesterday i had some pretty strong urges but i just ignored them not even giving them the time of day. i figure theres no point in fantasizing over something i will not be doing.

today is the first day of march and i feel great. its been a pretty interesting day so far. there have been so many things that would normally drive me crazy but today nothing is bothering me, which makes me feel even better. i really feel like things are turning around for me. i taught church school today and there was a little skit about Lent. they said that the six weeks of lent (it just started) represents the pain and suffering of Jesus on the cross; and then Easter day finally represents the happniess. i dont know why this made me feel so good, but i feel like i can relate. easter has always been very close to my heart and one of the main reasons i am doing this (quitting) is so i can enjoy this easter. the story made me feel like lent is my journey as well. 6 weeks of pain and suffering but then Easter reprsents the happiness at the end of the road.

i really havent had many urges aside from yesterday, which has been very nice. i masterbated twice this week which i am going to try not to do again this week. i want to masterbate at most one a week. i feel like the more i masterbate the more sexual feelings i have and the more i think about sex - which obviously isnt a good thing. but at the same time i dont want to not ever do it and therefore still drive myself crazy with the hormones. i am trying to find a good balance, which is still a work in progress.

as for thinking about why i am here - i am trying to do that as much as i can. every night before bed i try to sit down in an empty room and just think. sometimes i start to cry and other times i just become really depressed, however sometimes at the end of my thinking session i feel better than before. its hard to truley overcome the sadness of what has been lost.. but i am on my way. i feel like the more i think about it the more i accept it. a lot of times it makes me sad thinking about the memories but i know its something i have to do. i have to move on with my life and accept that it is gone.

the reason why i am trying to think about it so much is because i am horrified that i will subconciously take the easy way out again - either with cigarettes or masterbation. i dont want to keep the memories and pain burried inside of me - i want to release them. i dont want to hide them. i am afraid that by just simply using cigarettes to cover my porn addiction that isnt doing anything. unfortunatley, i think my cigarette "addiction" is actually becoming an addiction. its not to the point where i phyiscally need them, nor will it ever be, but it is at the point where now every weekend i just assume and expect i will be smoking them. they are what i look forward to. i am scared that when i want to quit them, i may not be able to. (thats probably why i am trying so hard to deal with the real emotions that landed me in this situation to begin with).

today is my 14th day. i love being here, it feels so good. to finally not be on day 1, or 2, or even 6. i feel like i am finally on my way up. although i am scared for the next week (because i have only ever made it past week 3 once) i know that with my new perspectives i will be able to do it this time. i have to be able to. it really does feel great getting my life back! :)

-pipsterrrr