Pipster's Journal

[Bird-boy]

8 months ago, I would have bet $1,000 that I would never be able to talk to someone in person about my p-addiction, but I would have lost that bet.
It is super crazy to think about--but if I was able to be in that miracle situation where I could tell someone what nobody else (off Through the flame) knew about, you can do it too. :)

Bird boy
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p.s. You may want to see this TTF forum thread.

[pipster22]

steve,
deep down, i know that smoking is not going to fix this problem. in fact i doubt it will even take the depression away. i have already started to associate it with sadness and depression so i feel like it will just remind me of porn and how sad i really am. i guess i am just so desperate to kick this addiction i will try anything.

as of now i am not able to even think about smoking let alone doing it again, but i guess i will see what happens later in the week.

i think i would be too embarssed to talk to my school counselor, incase someone were to see me there and question what i was doing. (and then the counselor possibly talking to my parents.. ahh) i am not necesarily embarrased to talk to people in real life about my problem, as i have talked to many of my close friends about it. none of them have ever freaked out or thought i was crazy.. i just dont think any of them really understand how much it truley hurts me.

i feel like i am just stuck in a rut. today is my first clean day and all day i have been battling thoughts of relapsing, just because its so early in the game and i really have nothing to lose. the only thing that has stopped me is the fact that i would have to log onto the admin account on my laptop and change all the parental control settings around, so i guess they are doing their job. i wouldnt say i am depressed today but i am not happy. i have no energy and all i want to do is listen to music and sit in my room.

it kills me to think it is already Feb 16. i have been fighting this addiction since september and yet i am still in the exact same place. spring is literally right around the corner, which is my one year mark. it makes me so overwhelmingly sad to think i only have 3 months of my high school career left and i am 95% likely to be depresesd and still addicted to porn through it. i want to change so much, why is it so hard? i dont understand how i can continue to relapse time after time when i know how much it hurts me.

Bird-Boy -
are you currently talking to someone about your PA in real life? i know this may sound weird but i found an online therapist who i talk to every wednesday. unfortunatley, i only get 5 free sessions before i have to pay, which i cannot do without my parents finding out. ( I am on my third session ) She really helps me and gives me a ton of great techniques on how to battle my thoughts and urges. unfortunatley, after 2 more weeks she will no longer be there. i cannot blame her for not continuing to help me though, i personally would not spend 2 hours working with some crazy kid without being paid.

Im not sure what im going to do. all i can think of is snapping my cell phone in half and throwing my laptop out the window... how good that sounds. to have no pressure or urges.. wow. im so ready to be done with this addiction. i hope i can at lesat make it past a week this time. i guess we'll see.

Thanks for your guys' support :)

[Bird-boy]

:)

I'm just gonna leave a quick reply:
No I'm not currently talking to anyone about my PA in real life. I have told it to 2 Christian acquaintances of mine i the past, one about 8 months ago and the other about 3 or 4 months ago. If you want to read the details, it's in the second post of my Journal.

Anyway, good luck and peaceful thoughts to all of us! :)

[rugbysteve]

Hey Pipster,
In regards to the counselor, if they are a licensed therapist I think there is a patient therapist confidentiality agreement in place where they wouldn't be allowed to tell your parents anything. Again, I'm not sure how things work at your school, but if there is a health center its certainly worth asking someone there if there is a counselor/therapist you can talk to (someone who will keep things confidential).

i feel like i am just stuck in a rut. today is my first clean day and all day i have been battling thoughts of relapsing, just because its so early in the game and i really have nothing to lose. the only thing that has stopped me is the fact that i would have to log onto the admin account on my laptop and change all the parental control settings around, so i guess they are doing their job. i wouldnt say i am depressed today but i am not happy. i have no energy and all i want to do is listen to music and sit in my room.

This can be the hardest time; right after a relapse. It is easy to feel like you have nothing to lose, like you say. But you're here, and that's great. You're back on the wagon, and that's a huge step already. This time, as you have already noted, is a time to be extra careful --- be mindful of the thoughts in your head, scan over each thought to make sure that it is not leading you astray. It is also important to have a safety net. So far, this is the parental control settings that you have placed on your laptop. It seems, though, that they also interfere with your normal activities. I would suggest installing a webfilter instead, like K9. I don't want to sound like an ad, but it really has helped me and its free.

it kills me to think it is already Feb 16. i have been fighting this addiction since september and yet i am still in the exact same place. spring is literally right around the corner, which is my one year mark. it makes me so overwhelmingly sad to think i only have 3 months of my high school career left and i am 95% likely to be depresesd and still addicted to porn through it. i want to change so much, why is it so hard? i dont understand how i can continue to relapse time after time when i know how much it hurts me.

Fighting an addiction is hard, but it can sometimes be even harder to admit to an addiction and seek help. Don't forget how much progress you have made already. Your day-to-day count of days P-free might be low right now, but you are building up strategies to fight your PA. It can take several attempts to overcome addiction, but because you still come back here it is clear to me that you have the strength and determination to do it.

We are all here for you, pipster. Hang in there!
-steve

[pipster22]

Steve -
thank you for those encouraging words. it helps me so much to know that this community will always be there for me. it feels good to know i will always have so much support here. i am trying my best to not let myself overthink right now because when i am on such a low day mark thinking typically doesnt ever help me. i am trying to just lay low and listen to music. i am looking forward to later this week because i know i will be feeling better. i really wish i could bring myself to talk to my therapist.. but i just dont think i would be able to. i am so emabrssed even talkng to my friends about it i dont know how i could ever manage talking to a counselor, non the less one from my school who knows who i am - my friends - my teachers. but at the same time i feel like if i dont get professional help i will never get out of this..



however i have decided enough is enough. i cannot continue to do this to myself. i have decided this relapse will be the last one, for good. i have decided that if i do relapse again - i will force myself to talk to my parents about my addiction.. and even more show them what i am addicted to. this will hopefully be the huge incentive to stay clean. and in the end, i win either way. if i do relapse again and have to tell my parents i will finally be able to receive the professional help i need - and if i dont relapse, well then there we go :)

having to not only tell my parents what has been torturing me for the past year, but also showing them what exactly i have been looking at would not only kill them but me as well. (un)fortunatley the time has come where phsyically and mentally i cannot continue to relapse.

today was a horrible day. every time i relapse and send myself back into this horrid depressed state it always amazes me. it amazes me to see how much porn truley does lower my self-esteem and self confidence. it is so hard to go to school and be in the most social situation you could ever think of and have the lowest self esteem and self confidence you could ever imagine - its absotloutley hell. to be around all my friends and to see them having fun and laughing while i cannot even fake a smile. of course this raises a lot of questions with my friends - the ones who do not know my situation - so they ask me whats wrong. this only makes me feel worse, like they are rubbing my addiction in my face ( even though they have no idea whats hurting me )
i enjoy talking to the friends who do know my situation, probably because those who know are the closest to me. they can tell when i have relapsed because of my mood. they always help try to bring me up even while we are at school - however it barely ever works for more than a few minutes.

its so funny because all i can think about is 9th grade. i used to always say in class, whenver we would get a huge assignment, "god im so depresed.." and i remember this girl turned to me and said "No. You're not. and i highly doubt you ever will ever have to experience what depressed really is." -- it was extremley awkward seeing as i had never even talked to her before but she was so right. although at that time i did believe i was "depressed" - i had no idea what depression was. unfortunatley, i am now able to say i do know what depression is. its not something you walk around class saying "I'm so depressed!!!"

Now, realistcally, i know there is a high chance of relapse in the near future. and while i am going to try my hardest not to let it happen, i need your help. i am sure once i relapse i am not just going to be willing to confront my parents and spill my deepest, darkest, most personal & humiliating secret. i need everyone's support on here. i am sure i will be so against it but please - urge me to tell them. it is truley the ONLY only hope i have right now in my life to actually beat this, no matter how humiliating it is. i don't know if i will write them a letter, an email, keep this website up on the main computer on 'accident', or what but whatever i do it will ahve to be very clear whats going on .
at the same time i hope this consequnce of relapse will help me stay clean. this is such a huge step that i never want to have to take i hope it will push me in the right direction.

I am not going to let this addiction control my life anymore. I am going to write one final letter to myself, one that i can look at whenver I need to. it might be in 5 days, 7 days, or even 25 days. im not sure when i will need it all i know is that i am sure at some point i will need it. i am going to write about how this is my final chance to beat this addiction on my own, without telling my parents and watch my relationship (whats left of it) crumble down to the floor.

Maybe... i could even write a letter to my parents right now - the one i will later email or show to them. i will write about the addiction and how hard it has affected me and my life. this will hopefully bring the reality of the situation to me. I guess if i want to go the extra step.. i could even send the email to one of my friends, along with my mom's email. if i relapse again they will send the email for me.

i guess i am going to go figure out what exactly i am going to do. i just want to say thank you steve bird-boy and dave for being here and supporting me so much. you guys have no idea how much it helps me knowing that when i relapse i wont only dissapoint myself, but you guys as well.. thank you.

thats all for now,
pipsterr

[rugbysteve]

Hi Pipster,
So... I'm a little torn about your plan. On one hand, addictions thrive on secrecy, so telling your parents would remove that shroud of secrecy and probably would help in the long run. However, you seem very afraid to tell them, and it almost seems like you have set up telling your parents as a punishment for a relapse. My shrink has told me that sometimes punishments like that may not always be helpful. They might be, but the rigidity of them only make the guilt loom so large that its hard to cope with. Plus, I could see a situation where, if you relapse, your fear would prevent you from telling your parents but then the guilt would build and you would be overcome with guilt and cause you to relapse again or even binge (I'm not saying this is what is going to happen, but only that I see it as a possible outcome, something that I might do if I were in your situation).

The bottom line, I'm not so sure what to tell you. It does seem like you need someone to talk to who can help you better understand your feelings. Perhaps your counselor could suggest a therapist that you could go to. You could ask in a way that doesn't tell the counselor what you are dealing with and see if they can't refer you to a professional? Just a suggestion.

You are definitely right about one thing, though. We are here for you no matter what!
-steve

[Daniel]

Pipster,

No, this is not the End, it is The Beginning.

I'm Daniel. I'm sorry I haven't posted in your journal now and am just coming around to your current situation.

I understand Steve's point as not wanting the pressure to tell your folks to take on a life of its own and begin to control you in negative ways, much like P does.

I don't know your parents. But thinking about my own parents, divorced now for many years... I have had to tell them things over the years that I REALLY DREADED.

I have told them things that were horribly embarrassing. And they took them all in stride. In every case, I had imagined a giant mountain range that needed climbing only to find a small mound of dirt to step over..

And not all parents are going to respond in the same way, and I do not consider my Mom or Dad to be the 'perfect parents', not by a stretch(!), but they always responded to my admissions with kindness and compassion and wanted to help me get over or through whatever situation that was plagueing me at the time.

Thus I throw in my opinion: Tell Your Parents.

Several things to remember: They (hopefully) love and care for you in a special way that no one else can approach, they want what is best for you, your cares are their cares, your dreams are their dreams, they want you happy and peaceful and fulfilled and engaged and moving forward and smiling and enjoying your young life.

There is good statistical information to tell us your Dad knows more about this issue than you may think. Too much perhaps (God forbid). But nevertheless, no matter what, I'm betting he is a resource that is untapped in your struggle.

When you tell your parents it will be phenomenal event. I predict it will be a hinge point in your life when you made a major turn and never went back in that other direction. You know the pain.

Like Trinity told Neo in The Matrix I, "You've been down that road before Neo. You know what's down there."

Tell your story and let the chips fall.

And like Steve said, we're standing by to help you however we can.

Blowing off the doors of secrecy around PA is like breaking the strong arm of this addiction.

You are doing, or about to do, the Right Thing.

All the Best,

Daniel

[pipster22]

Hi daniel, thanks for taking the time to check me out and sending all the support. i know i really should tell my parents - but like steve said i am using it 12000% as a consequence. i really would much rather eat a pile of worms than tell my parents, for many different reasons. this is something i am hopefully going to work out on my own.. but i guess only time will truley tell.

today is my fourth day of sobriety. i am feeling a lot better than the past 3 days, no shock there. i am really looking forward to this weekend, besides the fact that i already know i will have a ton of homework to do. i am hoping someway somehow i will be able to keep the stress under control.

i am going to try my hardest to re-arrange my schedule to keep the stress at an absoloute minimum. i am going to do some of my homework tomorrow (friday) after school before i go out. then instead of saving the majority of my homework to sundays - which is why sundays are always so stressful/high relapse time - i am going to try to do 1/2 if not 3/4 of it on saturday. this way i wont be able to go out saturday during the day but i willl still have the night open. but most of all it will allow me to have plans sunday afternoon.. this helps a lot when i can go out sundays. it really breaks the day up from working on homework ALL day and getting extremley stressed/depressed.

changing my shcedule like this is really going to take a lot of effort, especially because this weekend i ahve a huge project (250 points) due monday and a ton of other little things that i already know im not going to want to do saturday. unfortunatley my preference doesnt really have a say anymore. i now have to do whats going to help me get rid of this horrible addiction and wahts going to make me happy in the long run. almost every long-term relapse that i have had has been on a sunday afternoon or night. through the past year i have broken my addiction down from: every day+every night, to just every night, then just friday and saturday nights, now just sunday afternoons. i feel like this is the final step of my recovery - there isnt too many other days my addiction can take control of. once i get my new schedule set and get sundays to be a little more upbeat hopefully this addiction will be a thing in the past.

as for smoking, i plan on buying a pack of cigarettes tomorrow and just see what happens. if i get sick again *knock on wood* i will not continue- which hopefully will not happen. i will smoke friday and possibly saturday depending on who i am hanging out with. as of now, i am spending a lot of the time thinking about smoking (whether i am nervous or excited i dont know) rather than the porn, which is exactly my purpose of doing it. i dont plan on becoming 'addicted' to smoking, just getting myself to the point where when i get stressed out thats what i want to do, instead of porn. now, how i often i actaully let myself smoke.. i will have to figure that out later.

but overall today was a pretty good day. the depression, low self esteem/mood is definetly going away.

i realized this morning in the shower that there are two main reasons i relapse after a long-term sobriety run.

1. i manipulate myself into thinkings it fine: i, im sure like many others on this website, manipulate myself into thinking that porn is fine and natural.. everyone does it. for one reason or another i let myself think its fine to relapse. sometimes i say well... i am at day 20 - i am clearly not addicted if i can go this long. other times i just flat out say "**** this". oddly enough, times when i am extremley happy are when i am also prone to relapsing.. i don tknow why. i just feel so good i couldnt ever possibly imagine how low something as silly as porn could make me feel.

2. jealousy: i know this is weird but i get so jealous of people who are able to casually look at porn. i guess you could compare it to an alcoholic who is jealous of people who are able to go to clubs and have only a few drinks. when i am out i will sometimes hear my friends talking about what they have recently seen or that they are going to watch it that night. at the time it doesnt make me jealous but when i go home and i am all alone it kills me. its unfair they are able to casually enjoy it without the horrible side-affects that it gives me. i try to make myself feel better my thinking about my day marks but that usually doesnt help. even if i dont relapse that night, i wont stop thinking about it for a long time. i know it sounds ridiculous but its how i am.

i am going to try to write plans on how i can counter-act these issues when i get to that road this time. i am so set on not letting porn back into my life ever again. this has to be the last time. it always gives me something to look forward to. today might be day four, but tomorrow is day five. its a great feeling knowing tomorrow will be better than today.

-pippppy

[pipster22]

my mood has definetly increased over the last few days, which is typical for where i am in the stage of my recovery. i havent really been experiencing many urges, yet. whenever my mind starts wandering, in class or whatever, about sexual ideas i always try to conciously stop myself right away - it will only lead to one place.

i smoked a cigerette last night- which was so gross, like always- but they are starting to make me less dizzy! yay..? the thing about when i smoke is it makes me extremley happy, and i dont think its from the nicotine. it makes me feel like this really IS it.. like this is what is taking the porn addiction over. whether i am going to continue smoking or not, im not sure of yet. it truley is disgusting - but if it takes the porn urges away .. well, i will have to see.

but other than that i am feeling pretty great today. i am trying to spread my homework out more today so i can do something tonight and then tomorrow as well so i dont have yet another empty sunday where i just sit in and do my homework all day- which almost always leads to porn.

my online therapist basically slapped me in the face. in our last session she told me she cannot continue to see me because i am a LIABILITY?!?! i dont even know what that means but i highly doubt its good. she recommended that i seek out a psychotherapist in my real life and start seeing them as soon as possible. i know this is probably true however 100% not happening. so whatever, she never really did anything anyways. this website has helped me much more than she ever has.

i will check in later :)

[Boy with a Problem]

I'm guessing the 'liability' thing is because that, since you've been talking to a therapist who is expected to help you, she's afraid your behavior might cause you to hurt yourself. And, because of that, she would get in trouble (which is why she kicked you to the curb, really.)

I'm glad you're doing better. : ) Hopefully you'll continue to do well, and like I said in my PM; if you need someone to talk to, I'll be here.