Pipster's Journal

[dave42]

Hey, Everyone! Hey, Pipster! Wow...I feel Pipster's pain. That sense of a cycle of relapsing every 20 days must be awful -- I'm not in that now, but I sure have been there in the past.

I don't want to make things worse for anyone, but I have a suggestion that I'm sorry is controversial for a lot of people, but it has helped me.

When I feel the urge to look at p, I go into my bedroom (no computer there) and masturbate. It relieves the pressure. Okay, that's it! I don't want to make it sound like recovery is easy: obviously it's not easy for me -- I relapsed for 5 or 6 weeks from mid-November until early January!!!

But, I simply don't know how I would have made it from last February until last November without relapsing earlier without masturbating from time to time (sometimes as frequently as once a day, usually more like once every few days, occassionally twice or even three times in one day). I know that some folks will complain: no -- that's not the solution. But for me, it works.

Again, for anyone reading this who thinks that this is a very bad idea, I apologize. Some will say, "But the images in your head while you are masturbating ARE p." This is true to some extent, but the big, big differences between images in my head and online p are:

1. images in my head are free! I have spent a TON of money on p.
2. images in my head don't seem (for me) to be addictive. In other words, once I finish masturbating, I can get on with life. when I look at p online, I'm usually there for HOURS and even when session are shorter (let's say, 20 minutes) I usually want another session much sooner (often within several hours)
3. images in my head are less connected to the world of p. In other words, I find the whole world of p to be extremely addictive: the idea of a bunch of people worldwide looking at, producing, writing about, laughing about, discussing p -- this creates a kind of attitude like: "it's okay; so many of us are interested in p, that it's got to be okay." The images in my head are less connected to this world. So there is less of a sense of community, which, in this case, is a good thing!

Ignore my advice if you hate it or if you sense that it won't work for you (I know that for some, masturbation is, itself, an addiction), because if it doesn't sound useful, then it probably isn't useful! For me, it has really helped.

Wishing everyone good luck on this rough journey,

Dave

[pipster22]

Newman-
thank you so much for spending the time to give me all that great advice. i am trying to follow every single one of them, hopefully that will finally give me information i need to be successful!

and dave -
thank you very much too for sharing your insight!
i would have to say i 100% agree that mb is a safe way to go. im not sure why some would call it relapsing. i just read somewhere on this site that a certain doctor that specialzes in porn addiction says that he reccomends NOT to just stop having sex all together when trying to quit a porn addiction - which is basically the same as masturbating?? there are many times where if i get an urge to relapse or view P, i just mb and all the urges are gone (obviously:P)

although i know mb can be an addiction in itself, i find it to be about 99.5% LESS addicting than porn. why? well for me, mb does not give me the same high viewing/mbing to porn does. porn is exciting and thrilling, every click opens up an enitre new world.. while when mbing all you have is your mind-which, if you're not creative.. sucks:P- but to me mbing without P is 100% different than with P. i am not sure if it is that way for others, but thats how it is for me.

i have never had a problem with substiting P with just regular mb, i actually think its the only 100% sure way i can prevent myself from relapsing. however, i have found that the more i mb the more sexual i am.. IE, the more i think about sex and porn throughout the day. i try to go as long as i can without mbing because ironically the longer i go without it the less urges i get. i think the more you mb (whether with or without porn) increases your hormones or something and therefore makes you think about it more. which makes sense, i mean if you are mbing every day you're going to be thinking about sex more than you would if you were only mbing every 5-7 days(which is what i try to do)

but dave, i agree with all that you said about mbing and why you do not consider it to be porn. i think its a great escape from urges, however i try very hard to only do it when i am "horny" and NOT as a replace for porn (when i am stressed, angry, etc)

i also have to say when i am done mbing without porn i feel 100% different than how i feel after i am done with porn. if porn were a drug i am sure it would be considered a depressant, because never once out of this whole time has it ever left me feeling HAPPY.


Anyhoo -
today is my second day and i feel so much better than yesterday and the day before. every once in a while a wave of depression comes across me, mainly when i am thinking of how far i have to go just to catch up to where i was.. but i try my best to keep those thoughts out of my head. there is no use in making this harder than it already is. i am expecting my urges to start coming around sooner or later, but as of now i am still urge free - which is actually really nice. instead of just "waiting" for my month mark to come around, i am trying to enjoy every day individually. like today - i have no urges, compared to day 20 i am extremeley crabby and pissy because of all my urges that i have to deny.

i guess no matter what day you are at, each day has a blessing in disguise. i experience so many mood changes throughout the day.. from depressed to happy to sad to angry to happy. its frusterating but i know its only temporary and the sooner i can get out of this horrid "20 day cycle" the sooner i can get on with my LIFE.

well thats it for now, thanks for everyones input i love hearing from others and what your ideas are to keep clean :)
thanks!


-pipsterr

[pipster22]

I met with my (online) therapist yesterday. she had a lot of great advice for me, however unfortunatlley i do not remember any of it. i know she said something about whenever i get an urge or think about porn, to snap a rubber band on my wrist and say out lout "STOP".

I have recently started smoking. In my mind, for whatever reason, smoking will help me get rid of my porn addiction. I figure if i can get addicted to something else (ciggeretes) i might think of porn less. i am just at the point where i can not be depressed anymore. i would rather feel physical pain than this horrible mental pain. instead of craving porn, i want to crave something else. something that when i am done doing i don't feel like dying. i know cigarretes are not a good option, but seriously, right now i will take anything.

as of now i am just "socially" smoking, with my friends who smoke, etc.. never by myself... mainly bceause i cannot personally hold the cigs because if my parents were to find them .. well that would be an issue. i know this new plan of mine may sound psychotic but as i said before, i have to find something else to become addicted to - and this is what came to mind first.

As for my parental controls, i dont know whether they are helping or hurting. although they definetly create a great barrier between me and porn - which helps a ton when i am "freely" browsing the internet - they also make me very frustarted, which is bad. it really ****s my computer up in terms of e-mail, instant messangers, etc. EX: every once in a while when i try to send an email, my computer totally locks up and shuts off. it takes about 10 minutes to get back into it.. only to find the email has been deleted. this can happen up to 5 times in a row. (FRUSTERATING) I tell myself it will all be worth it in the end, but when i am in the moment that doesnt seem to help my frusteration. this anger only makes me want to sign onto the admin account and not only take off the parental controls, but relapse while i am there. i am afriad this is going to be an issue in the future...

i guess all i can do for now is try to keep my frusterations to a minimum and try my hardest to use the laptop as little as i can (whch is also very frusterating because its so new=/)

But, in the end, no matter how many crazy plans go through my mind.. i just wnat to be set free from my pornography addiction.
I am on my 5th day and am so far staying strong. this is the first day since i have been clean that i ahve masterabted. it suprisingly was not very enjoyable, i mainly did it because i was so stresed out. i hope this does not screw me over in days to come..
The next two weeks are going to be very stressful which i am also pretty worried about, but what can you do.

Hopefully smoking (or anything for that matter) will help me get porn off of my mind.

-pippp

[rugbysteve]

Hi Pipster,
I have often thought about replacing my PA with another "less harmful" addiction, and smoking definitely crossed my mind. That being said, I feel like I have to say that I don't think I can really "approve" of smoking because I think there are other things you can substitute. BUT I'm not going to tell you not to smoke, either.

As far as your laptop; I would suggest trying the K9 Webprotection filter (K9 Web Protection - Free Internet Filtering and Parental Controls Software). I think it would probably do a better job than the built-in filters. It doesn't interfere with my webmail nor my instant messenger. In fact, once I got the thing customized it rarely blocks the sites that I think are legitimate and if it does "accidentally" block something you can temporarily allow it instead of having to completely disable the filter (or log onto an administrator account). It's also entirely free.

Good luck with the next two weeks!
-steve
p.s. perhaps try cooking or baking as a new substitute. I find breadmaking a very therapeutic enterprise, plus it has plenty of downtime to let the dough rise. And as a bonus, you get some pretty tasty bread when you are done!

[pipster22]

Thanks for the support steve!

UNFORTUNATLEY, i relapsed yet again tonight.
i have no idea how this happened. i had a fairly good day today overall, but i came home pretty depressed. somehow i got onto youtube searching around. before i know it i am watching pretty much soft core porn, freak out, and close the laptop. this, of course, only made my depression worse. later in the night i got very stressed out with my homework load and found myself searching again. i kept trying to get to websites that my laptop's parental control system blocked. unfortunatley for me, i found a loophole. i dont know if others know this, but at school kids go to "btunnel.com" to get onto sites such as facebook, hotmail, etc. (ones that are typically blocked by the school) btunnel basically let me snuck through my parental controls and get to the sites i had blocked on purpose.

somehow, i don't even know why, i ended up in the admin section of my laptop continuing my search there. i actually ended up relapsing twice tonight... great. i am feeling pretty low but at the same time i just "dont care". i know the depression will be hitting me pretty hard most likely tomorrow, or even the day after. i plan on continuing to "socially smoke" this weekend and .. hopefully get addicted.

wow, how often can you say something like that and actually mean it. well thats life i suppose.

thats it for now, i will write back most likely tomorrow or saturday night. this weekend is a threeday weekend so hopefully i am able to stay clean and start my day marks all over again. my ambition has basically been lost, along with my self-esteem. i am so over this addiction, right now i just dont care anymore.. i cant continue this cycle... relapse, stay clean, go through imense depression, relapse. its so frusterating because NOW, where i used to be able to get easily to 20 days, i now cant even get past a week... is this for real??!!


I am soo frusterated and depressed its the craziest thing i have ever experienced in my life. who knew porn could literally tear a person apart? well, now i do.

[Newman]

Pip,
If you are depressed you may need to seek professional help. Although I'm no expert, there is a link between depression and addictive behavior. That was part of my problem. I consulted a professional who recommended some medication. That really wasn't what I wanted but I had reached the point where I was willing to try just about anything. With the oversight of an MD I began taking light doses of medication to deal with the depression, which also served to help my compulsive porn behavior. Fortunately, I had no seriously adverse side effects. With the breathing room I've gotten I've been able to assess my situation more or less objectively. I'm almost to the point of weaning away from the medication with medical oversight. If depression is your problem I'd encourage you to consult a psychologist or even an MD just to see if something couldn't be done about it. You may be trying to deal with the way your depression feels through porn and mb. And, if you can improve your outlook and the way you feel, it may be easier to deal with the porn and mb. I think the cigarette thing is a bad idea. I don't know of any evidence indicating that one addiction can be successfully substituted for another. Instead, the result is likely to be that you are simply adding another addictive behavior to your porn and mb. I think you'd be better off getting rid of all addictive behaviors. I wish you luck.

[Bird-boy]

I agree with Newman, except for the medical thing (I don't disagree with it either; I just don't know anything about that subject).

When you get home from school, I suggest getting a lot of sleep tonight--no matter what. When you wake up in the morning you may feel a little refreshed, or at least just a little unstressed. That has helped me:) (after failings or "relapses").
Sleeping is a good short-term way to get rid of some stress, I think.

--BirdBoy

[pipster22]

Thank you bird and newman for your insights:)
I very much wish i could seek professional help, as i know i need it. unfortunatley, while i am living with my parents that wil not be possible. (only because i refuse to come out and tell them whats been going on.. its horrifying to even think of)

I feel like its all unravelling. i had such a good grip on it, and im losing it all. where i used to be able to be sober for 20 days, i can now barely go 2 days. it slowly started decaying, i would be able to go 16 days, 7 days, and now 2 days. i cannot believe i am back at square one. i literally cannot even believe it.

as for my cigarette 'addiction', well thats not going so well. this friday, i smoked a cigarette after school with a friend and then later that night again with some other people. the second one i smoked was crazy. i felt extremley high and started getting verrry dizzy. at first it was great, such a high. but then the high went away and i was just dizzy... i figured it was just temporary for like 10 minutes, so i decided to put a snus in (its like spitless chew). well, after about 10 minutes of that in it all went down hill. i became extremley sick and sat on some curb outside of a mcdonalds for about 30 minutes, then i decided to go back in and try to sit down with some water. i only got dizzier until i finally went to the bathroom where i sat on the ground near a toilet for about 50 minutes. i finally forced myself to throw up just because i knew that would make me feel better.. which it did for about 5 minutes and then it all came back. so i basically just had my friend drive me home, which i am very mad about because i missed out on a big party. so overall it was a horrible experience.

But that will not deterr me. i will continue smoking ( most likely not for a while.. ha ) but non-the less i will continue. as i was throwing up (literally as i was over the toilet puking) i was thinking to myself.. well, this is is the physical pain compared to the mental pain of pornography addiction. i chose the physical pain then and will continue with it.

now whenever i relapse i only think about how i need to keep smoking. it sucks because apparently i can only smoke like one cigarette in a short period of time but either way i guess as long as i get addicted whats the difference.

the main reason i am obsessing about smoking so much is because i always hear about people who use them to quit their drug addictions. i figure if people can use them to quit actual drug addictions, why couldnt i use them to quit a stupid porn addiction? what i am hoping, long term anyway, is that i can replace my porn addiction with nicotine addiction and then later down the road i will deal with the nicotine addiction - with patches or whatever.

i wish there was a patch for pornography - it would save me a step :) i really hope my sickness from the cigarettes wont deterr me from continuing to smoke. i am so tired of being depressed. bleeehhh i feel like everytime i close my mouth i can taste the cigarettes and its so gross -.- but at the end of the day i would rather have a nasty taste in my mouth than feel an overwhelming wave of depression take over my body for a week. yah know? well i guess it will be interesting to see how it all plays out.

i will be going out tonight and possibly smoking.. hopefully no throw up will be a result ;) YIKES!

well thats it for now,
piipppppyyyyy

[Bird-boy]

I feel like I have to be a scolding parent. You are NOT going to help yourself by smoking and using tobacco; you're only going to hurt yourself even more. Additionally!
Parent's only scold their children when they need to know something, when they need to learn an almost fatally important lesson.
okay, now I'll go for a calm tone: I think that doing that stuff could make any addictive behavior even worse. It could erase the line between a mental addiction and a physical addiction. Doing things like that may also get you involved with people that will only make your life a way you don't want it to be; a life that you're not happy with. I'm just like you, in the same situation as you. I'm a year younger, though, and am sort of "sheltered" (I don't go out to hang out and stuff like you seem to), but I know that I strongly feel that what you sort of feel will help will do the opposite.

Think about the true problem, and don't add problems to your life..

:| :] :)

[rugbysteve]

Hey Pipster,
So I would probably have to agree with Bird-boy about the smoking. You're more likely just to add another addiction on top of your PA. I don't think its necessarily a bad thing --- I have several friends who smoke, but I'm not sure that it really helps them deal with anything.

It really does sound like you need someone to talk to, though, to work out your feelings and emotions. Does your school have a counselor that you could talk to? I think then you wouldn't have to tell your parents. I think most schools have a therapist or some other professional. It's worth a shot, and you would probably be able to talk to them during school hours.

Good luck,
-steve