Pipster's Journal

[pipster22]

I am starting to get very strong urges. I am trying my hardest to not even think about them, let alone act on them. i would be extremley upset to relapse at this point and let the toxins back into my life.

homework and the people on my floor play a huge part in my sobriety. they both keep me very busy, and when i do have free time i want to sleep - not mb. i have found myself getting very horny very frequently. i think this is because i started masterbating agaign, which i am really going to stop. when i first got to college (i hadnt masterbated in about 2 weeks) and i had no sexual urges whatsoever. now at parties i am certainly keeping an open eye and even my dreams have become so much more sexual - which is probably the hardest part of all.

i hope i can keep my strength and stay away.

[dave42]

Very wise, Pip: " I am trying my hardest to not even think about them, let alone act on them."
Great news: "Homework and the people on my floor play a huge part in my sobriety." Hey, homework is fantastic: it's the way we learn, right? I've always felt that most of the learning I've got is when I'm doing homework. Going to class is important -- it's very important, usually. But, when it's you and a study partner or a book or a set of problems or a paper you have to write -- that's where so much rich growth comes from. It's where the "next" Pipster is born. AND, for you and so many of us, it keeps us away from p.

Hey, Pipster, we are all proud of you! Keep up the good work! Hey, about the sexual dreams...I think that that is normal, right?

[Bird-boy]

Sorry I've been away from commenting for kind of a long time. I've been going up and down in my rollercoaster--feeling unable to contribute positively to anyone's journals. (I did keep up with the daily updates, though.)

You've already started college, WOW! :D

And you told yourself right away that you're not going to expect instant friends. That's great you thought that! :D I just want to suggest to you to not get involved with people that are ..detrimental (?). I don't have any authority on party knowledge, so I wont comment on that, but don't get involved with people in bad scenes. Especially in the beginning of the "new Pipster" time hang around people with fine lives. No one is perfect, but make friends with people who are steady with life and not on any scary rollercoasters. But you probably already knew that. :)

Well good luck today, and on the upcoming days and the future.

I hope you don't just "hold on," but that you "sit steady."

-Bird-boy (Robert)

[dave42]

Bird-Boy: I think that that advice is great for Pip, but also for the rest of us. Was it Buddha, or some other great figure, who said you really need to try to surround yourself with, as you put it so eloquently, "people with fine lives." I am going to try to think about this a lot over the coming days. Thanks!

[pipster22]

well, i finally replased.

these past few days have been ridiculous. i have had more sexual tension within them then in my whole life. every second, every minute i was thinking of sex. i couldnt walk down the street without looking every guy up / down. it was horrible. i came back to my dorm and just relapsed. it lasted about 5 minutes.

as of now, i am feeling okay - much less sexual tension. i am trying to use this system when i am stressed:
1. friends - people on my floor
2. cigarettes - really try to avoid
3. porn


roomie just came in, will post more later.

thanks

[pipster22]

I relapsed again last night.
I was originally not going to go out, because i have so much to study today, but i went out anyway and come home early by myself. it was a rough night to say the least, and being alone certainly did not help. i came home and at first P was nowhere even in my head. right when i sat down and opened my laptop i knew what was going to happen, and it did.

i just can't imagine that this addiction is going to continue affecting me even in college. i have already started feeling the negative affects: low self-esteem, incredibly insecure, and of course the overwhelming depression.

honeslty, i dont think i can emotionally handle this at college. i am already naturally a pretty insecure person to begin with. how am i supposed to go out, be outgoing and meet people while in this state? i actually think it is impossible.

i also smoked weed before i came home last night, which did not help. it was a "bad trip" to say the absoloute least. it was horrible. it kills me to think this is starting to happen here, in my new life. but to be honest, i cant say it was unexpected. i feel like after reading so many posts about people thinking marriage would end their porn addiction, and then later finding out... it doesnt. i cant imagine that if marriage doesnt do the trick, why would college?

on top of all this shit i have literally at the least 9 hours of homework to do today, my first HUGE test on tuesday, and my first huge paper due thursday and then another on friday. i just cannot handle this.. at all.

it is so hard to find a balance of academic and social life. i feel like when im having a good acacdemic week, im having a horrible social life. and vice versa. i just dont know how to balance it without losing all of my current friends / failing out of college. i have no idea what im going to do.

[dave42]

Well, I'm sorry I haven't written lately. I just realized that you relapsed on the 23rd. I'm sorry about that.

Hey, I gotta say, you know you are -- what -- 18? I think it's normal for you to be looking at every guy. You just moved to college, and you are surrounded by nice looking guys -- hey, don't beat yourself up, okay?

Can I make a suggestion, but tell me if you don't like it: the next time the sexual tension builds up, can you just mb? I mean, without looking at p?

I don't know if this advice is good or not, but from my perspective if you mb, the tension will subside. Or will it for you? I mean, for me mb'ing really helps. Afterwards, I can focus on other stuff (homework, etc.) and you know the temptation to look at p is very low. But you might not like this idea. Not sure. Hope it helps, but, of course, I support you if you write back and say that you are against mb. I don't want to, you know, weaken your resolve, if that is your approach. I just feel that there you are in college with all of these cute guys and it's normal for you to feel sexual tension.

Stay in college! Okay? It gets better. It gets better, It gets better. You'll be able to cope with the balancing act much better in the spring semester. You can do it, Mr. Pip! Yes, you can. Yes, we can! Go, Pipster! Go!

[dave42]

we all care about you, buddy! you are gonna be just fine, okay? Chin up, Pip!

[pipster22]

dave, thank you sooo much for your support.

i defiently agree with your mb idea. i mb when to releave the tension. but unfrotunatley, that too gets addicting. quickly.
it is currently at the point where i have to do it before i fall asleep and before i am mentally able to do my homework. it is ridiculous. i am trying to stop, but it is so hard. i tell myself "well, i neeed to sleep... and i need to do homework. who am i to stand in the way of that?" and therefore, mb mb mb mb mb mb.

i have also started relapsing on my cell phone's internet. (because i am scared of getting kicked off the campus internet, that would be horrifying). so, i am literally back to square one in a matter of 5 days. i cannot believe i am here, but yet here i am. i dont know what to do. my life is such a mess right now i absoloutley hate it. i drank alone today in my dorm because i was so destressed.

i looked up counselors / therapists at my school who i can talk to, i am highly considering going to see one. i am at the point where i am accepting that i need help outside of myself. im not sure what is wrong with me but i know there is a lot off. i dont know how to explain it but honestly i am just not happy. i am never happy. i am able to put such a good front on for those around me, but seriously inside i am just dying 24/7. i do not know what to do.

somehow this addiction has made its way back into my life, but sadly enough that is the least of my problems. i dont know what i am going to do but hopefully i can break this relapse cycle sooner rather than later.

not sure what else to add.. hopefully things pick up.

[riseandfall]

Hi Pipster,

It may help for you to understand what goes on in your brain when you masturbate.


Holstege's Graph of the Neurochemical Reaction to Orgasm
Orgasm’s Hidden Cycle | Psychology Today
Sexual Superabundance II | Psychology Today

When your dopamine is low (as it can be from time to time during the post-orgasm cycle), you may feel like...well...like something is missing, even if you can't put your finger on what it is.

Chasing after today's potent array of superstimulation can easily overload our vulnerable reward circuitry. Without realizing why, we may begin to experience withdrawal symptoms, cravings for even more frequent stimulation, and, sometimes, enduring brain changes.
The more extreme the stimulation (whatever our individual thresholds), the more dopamine surges in our reward circuitry. And the lower it drops afterward (or the less sensitive we are to it, due to down regulation of nerve cell receptors). Dopamine balance matters. For example, high dopamine is associated with compulsions, anxiety, risky behavior, and so forth, while low dopamine is associated with conditions like social anxiety, depression, inability to feel pleasure, and lack of ambition.
Most of us learn about the high-leads-to-hangover cycle fairly early by drinking too much alcohol. So why are we so likely to reach for short-lived, intense stimulation even when it begins to set off neurochemical hangovers? Usually because we aren't getting enough of the other rewards our brain finds gratifying.


...
Let's say we choose to comfort ourselves with a big dose of today's super-sexy stimulation. After dopamine soars in response to extreme stimulation, it drops unnaturally low. Withdrawal symptoms, such as restlessness, irritability, frustration, desire for isolation, and apathy are signals that we're not yet back to equilibrium at a brain chemical level.
So why the massive libido? During recovery, we may feel uneasy or depressed, as if some key ingredient for our happiness is missing. As a consequence, we're very susceptible to cues our brain associates with rapid relief from discomfort. When we spot one, our reward circuitry starts yapping and bouncing around like a crazed Jack Russell terrier. Surging dopamine is hard to ignore, so we want to "feed it," just to shut it up. Yet if we climax now, we can easily fall into an accelerating cycle, medicating ourselves with more stimulation every time we get The Urge. Strapped onto this roller coaster of peaks and drops, we may forget entirely what balance feels like.
...
Once we recognize the vulnerability of our reward circuitry in the face of today's superabundance, we can see the real challenge before us. It is to get our dopamine levels back in balance and keep them there. Then we can enjoy the occasional indulgence without falling into an uncomfortable cycle of highs and lows.
Balanced dopamine is associated with feelings of well-being and satisfaction, pleasure in accomplishing tasks, healthy libido, good feelings toward others, motivation, optimism, sound choices, healthy risk-taking, realistic expectations and healthy bonds with others. Ahhh!

you can find more about the effects of dopamine and prolactin on this previous post of mine.
Fried brain and a bad back anyone?

good luck