Pipster's Journal

[Bird-boy]

Everything in your last post is things I feel (maybe 99% of it).
I felt a type of comfort when I read this, because SOMEONE was able to type all the feelings out like this, and clearly!:)
But I wish neither of us or anyone else had to have these feelings, though, and be stuck in the situation that brought us here. But that doesn't mean we can't break free.

Let's make an effort every single day to use and practice the tips and advice and things we learn (here and elsewhere).

--B.B.

[pipster22]

Thank you birdboy for posting and letting me know you feel so similary.. it helps me too :) Its such a ridiculously hard thing to deal with, it still amazes me.

It is friday afternoon currently and I just got home from school. Even from being home not even 30 minutes, I almost relapsed. My mind started to wander and thinking about all the homework and stress I am going to experience this weekend makes me want to throw all my progress away and just give up.

However, I had a secret weapon this time ;)
The only reason I did not relapse is this -

The last time I relapsed, I felt intensely depressed. I felt probably the lowest I have ever felt in my life; and because of this I decided then that I would never put myself in that place again. I created an account at blogspot.com and wrote a letter to myself. The letter was intended for myself to read 20 days later, when I knew my urges would be at their height. I spent over an hour writing the letter to myself, including every exrushiating detail of pain I was in. The letter talked about when the addiction started, and how it is still strongly affecting me a year later. I talk about how it has affected not only my social life but my relationship with my parents as too. Well, something I said in the letter worked; as soon as I was finished reading the letter, I had no urge whatsoever to view P/mb. Without the letter, I would most likely be writing here.. but with a different story to tell.

I am so happy I wrote that letter to myself and would reccomend it to anyone. You don't have to write it right after a relapse, it's just for me thats when my depression and other emotions are at their height, so I can write exactly how I feel to deterr myself from doing it again. I wrote about how what i'm doing isnt going to end unless I end it; if i let this problem continue, it will literally take over my life.. again.

So, as of now I am okay. I am however very nervous. I planned for myself to read the letter around day 20, or even 25.. not day 12. If I am already having such intense urges at day 12.. what is to come with day 20? 25? 30? I am so scared I won't be able to handle the pain... but I guess until then there is nothing I can do but take it day by day and keep posting here as much as possible.

I am sure I will post again later this weekend, but until then I hope the best for everyone *including myself* :) Have a fun friday.
- Pippppp

[pipster22]

This is so hard.
Last night was so incredibly hard and frusterating. For some reason, this time around my emotions are more concentrated with anger and frusteration rather than depression and sadness; I don't know which is worse to be honest. All I know is that within the last 24 hours I almost relapsed over 10 times. I am so close to doing it it kills me.. I know one of these times it will be over. I am getting so frusterated because everything in my life (for once) is finally all going right. Why is this frusterating? Because I cant feel it, I cant feel anything. I know I should be so incredibly happy with my life, yet I feel so empty, frusterated, sad, depressed, and angry. WHY? Why can I not be happy? Why must I suffer from all these urges and deny them everyime? Why can I not just be happy?

Everyone is pissing me off. My friends, my parents, every single person in my life. My mom will walk in the room and every WORD she says drives me INSANE. My friends will text or call me, I will reject the calls and ignore their texts. I am in such a horrible place right now and it is killing me. It is killing me not be able to do the one damn thing that makes me happy, in the whole world. I know this is going to make me a happier person in the long run, but as of now I have never felt so upset. I have never felt such frusteration in my life, which I am actually very surprised by. Anger and frusteration have never been a symptom of my withdrawl but I guess you learn something knew everday.

I just want to be able to be happy. I want to be able to feel what I deserve to feel. I just got accepted to a job that I have wanted for the past year and a half, I got all good grades last quarter, my whole life is finally putting itself together; but here I am as frusterated and sad as I have ever been in my life. I just do not understand it.


will I ever be happy again? I mean truley happy?
I really hope so. I hope this is a fase that won't last long, but I guess noone but me can control that.

[pipster22]

Gahhhh.
So, this weekend has been ridiculous. Although I didn't relapse, I just caught myself clicking around some of my favoite sites. Luckily I was able to catch myself before I got too far into it, but I still feel horrible.
Today is my 14th clean day and now I am so scared I will not be able to resist the urges next time they come around. I feel like teasing myself like I just did gets me nowhere but to a relapse. I am so scared.

I just made a new set of rules for myself, more indepth and strict. Such as: no internet use will be allowed from 12pm-5pm on weekend days. (This has been the only time period in which I have relapsed for about 3 months.) It sucks just because I will now not be able to use the internet, or my new laptop, during the time I am home the most.. but I know i cannot handle it and it is for my own good.
In a way I am excited. I feel like the more strict I become with myself the more power I have over this addiction. Because I am so shooken up with what just happened, I am going to start looking more into a parental control program for my laptop. I am planning on having a close friend set the password and only giving it to me if a site I need to get to is blocked. I just feel like I cannot trust myself, one way or another I will relapse.

Its so scary I was not even thinking about it and all of a sudden I find myself watching these provacative videos, one after another. Luckily, somehow I had enough strength to shut them.. but next time I feel I wont be able to have that strength.

Yikees.. the weekends are so hard. The free time kills me. I am relieved the week starts tomorrow, but at the same time am already so nervous for next weekend. I can only pray that I will have the strength to beat this.


- Pippy

[dave42]

Pippy: Having read a number of your postings, I'm impressed that such a young person is really mature! Yes, you have a big problem: join the club! But the important thing to focus on is that you are doing your best to get over it. Good luck!!! Dave

[pipster22]

I decided to write a quick post before I go to bed, as of course I am having my pre-weekend jitters and anixety attack :)

[I am currently on my 17th day clean]

I have recently added parental contorls to my lapto (didnt have to download anything, just the ones that came on it). It has already stopped me from relapsing over 5 times, and I just added it 2 days ago. There are pros and cons to it, though.

Pros: I can no longer "accidently" stumble onto a P website and "innocently" watch the videos/images. I made it so whenever I need to unblock a website, I not only have to log off my account and sign onto another one (a process that is easy, but definetly a deterrant from a "quick session"), but I also made it so whenever I want to add another website to the aprove list I have to type in this..
Username: StartOverDayZero
Password: Relapse
This is obviously a great way to force myself into realizing what exactly I am doing. This method has actually helped me a ton. A couple days ago was the hardest experience I have had yet to encounter with this addiction. I ended up searching my favorite site, and of course the pop up blocker came up asking me if I wanted to unblock it. I said yes, and typed in the password and username. as my curser was over the 'accept' tab, i looked at what exactly i had typed, what it meant. it meant I would lose my 14 days of hard work. it meant i would start over again at day zero, and painfully have to work myself up the days.. again. Sure enough I realized what i was doing and immediatly x'd out of the screen. However i went back to that site over 3 times, going from "DO IT! DO IT!" to "No way in hell I am doing this" over and over again, but somehow I ended up in bed, with my day counts still in tact! I am very impressed by this because never in my whole addiction have I been able to say no to myself when in "the zone". This proves to me how big a role the parental controls can play in quitting this addiction. It's like a friend who is always with you when you are on the computer - they can't stop you from doing it, but they can certainly try to talk you out of it; but hey, in the end you're going to do what you're going to do.

Cons: (this may only be for me.. but here they are anyways) The way my laptop is set up (macbook) parental controls can be very frusterating. they block my hotmail account, MSN messenger, and another random websites that even if I add to the 'accept' list they still dont fully function. Now, this frusteration only causes me more stress in my life.. which is the exact reason why I got the parental controls in the first place. However, all of these problems can be easily solved - by logging onto the "admin" account, which has no parental controls. So, whenver I want to check my email, use MSN, and a couple other features - i have to go there. This isnt necesariyl bad, just annoying .. but hey, it's worth it. I just need to make sure I am careful when I am on the no parental controls account. I also try my hardest to make sure I dont go on that account when I am frusterated or stressed - definetly bad.

So, in the end I have found the parental controls to be 100% useful and extremley effective! I would reccomend them to basically everyone. It is just that one extra screen between you and your addiction, which for me.. has prevented me from relapsing about 7/7 times - and it's only been about 2-3 days. Its a great resource if you are the kind of person (like me) who always tends to 'accidently' stumble upon P and then 'innocently' view it until you end up mb'ing and feeling like crap.

Of course I know this is not full proof and in the end, if i want to relapse.. I will. I need to keep my persistance up high and actually pull through this time. I am getting nervous for this weekend, because it marks my venture into the 20's. (Saturday will be my 20th day) This is scary for me because i almost always never get past day 25.. or for that matter day 20. I just hope to god this new 'security net' will protect me from falling..

what i have realized in the past few days - you cannot focus on the past, nor on the future.. because if you do you will always end up relapsed. for me, i always somehow end up thinking "god, how could I have relapsed so many times? i could easily be on day 100 by now.. its such a waste of time" which just leads to more depression, etc. but on the other end, if i think too far out into the future (usually more than a week) the same overwhelmed feeling hits me and the only thing i know to combat it is, of course, P/mb.

I am going to try to keep my thoughts positive!

-Pipsterrrr

[Bird-boy]

Just want to leave a quick verbal thumbs up. That was a great idea you put into effect.
And it IS true, one of the last things you said, that we still have to fix ourselves further than installing a safety net (paraphrased).

I hope we can constantly gain spirit and make effort. :) !

[Newman]

Pipster,
I think the filter/block on the computer is a very good idea. My suggestion is to make access to porn as difficult and involved as you possibly can. Ideally, it ought to be impossible to access. One of our problems as addicts is that when the "urge" hits us, we convince ourselves that it won't go away until we give in. So, in order to get some relief, we submit. A recent article in Time magazine about addictions generally, not specifically sex addiction, indicates that these urges will go away in a relatively short time. Now, they may return, but once they show up, they won't continually torment us until we act out. If you can find some way to re-direct your attention when the urges hit, I think it would help a great deal.

You mentioned being scared after having read some stories about what porn has done to some people. You ought to be scared. We all ought to be scared of something that can take such joy and meaning out of our lives. Good luck.

[pipster22]

Thank you newman and bird-boy for all the support :)

Unforatuntley, yesterday I relapsed.
Out of the whole time i have been addicted, i have never felt this low. i really thought is was going to be the last time, but here i am. i cannot handle this. i literally almost threw up this morning bceause of how depressed i was. i just want this to be over so badly.

my relapse started two days ago, when i was chatting via MSN messenger with someone i met a while back. they sent me some photos and that was that. I did m/b, but that was it. the next day (yesterday) i was extremeley depreseed and sad at the thought about what i had done the day before. i could not handle this pain and knowingly decided to relapse. i don't know what was going through my head, but all i knew is the only way to relieve myself from the previous pain was to relapse and start over at the beginning.

So, here i am .. day one, agian. i am now not going to allow myself to ever go onto the admin account, for any reason. i am going to act like it is not even there - or like i don't have the password for it. i have to make this time the last time, i know i can do it.. i just have to do it.

like i said i have never been this depressed before in my life. all i want to do is sleep. it is a friday night and although i am pretty sure i will be going out tonight (my friends as well as my parents would find it very odd if i didnt) i am not going to be enjoying myself. although when i am with other people (or doing anything for that matter) my depression decreases about 50 fold, i know it is still going to be waiting for me the moment i step into my house. i dont know why, but whenever i am home i think about my addiction almost 24/7. for this, i try to be gone as much as i possibly can.

the images and videos i saw in the past two days have been haunting me all day and night. as of now, they make me sick to my somache.. however, i know sooner or later that feeling of sickness will turn into excitment and want to do it again. that wont be for about 7 days, so i guess i have until then before my urges really return.

im not sure what more to say right now besides the fact i am extremley upset about my relapse. i know its part of the recovery, but i sware this happens every 20 days and it takes a huge emotional strain on me. i literally physically and mentall will not be able to relapse again. this has to be it.

i guess that is all for now, i am sure i will be writing more later this weekend. hope everyone is doing better than i am.

-pipster

[Newman]

Here are a list of suggestions, offered in the hope that one or all of them may help:

1. If you have a "stash" of porn somewhere, get rid of it, all of it. Completely.
2. Create barriers to your access to porn to make access as difficult as possible. Ideally, porn should be impossible to access. For example, consider using computer filters, blocks or accountability programs. If your regular path to work takes you by an arcade, use another route.
3. Identify those circumstances/situations that trigger the urge to use porn and avoid them.
4. Make a list of what you are going to do to re-direct your attention when the urge to view porn hits. (Call a friend, go for a walk or a drive, visit with a co-worker) My experience has been that if I can re-direct my attention for 10 minutes or so, the urge will pass.
5. Read up on this problem using this site and others like it as well as the books that have been written by people such as Dr. Patrick Carnes.
6. Read posts by men who have lost their wives, children, girlfriends and/or jobs because of porn. Also read the posts by the SOs who have been affected by porn addiction.
7. If you have a friend/mentor/counselor/priest/pastor etc. that you can trust with this information, tell them about your problem. This seems to take much of the strength from the urge to continue using porn.
8. Depending on how much success you have otherwise, consider seeking outside professional help. I resisted this for a long time but wasn't having much success until I did.
9. Commit to getting control of this problem every day.
10. If you mess up, analyze what went wrong, decide how to avoid the problem in the future, modify your plan and get back to work.

This is a difficult thing to do. And, if you are really depressed, it is even more difficult. You might want to consider seeing a physician or a psychologist who can prescribe something for depression. It helped me. I hope you find something that works. No matter how difficult life may be otherwise, porn use doesn't make it better and usually makes it worse.