Pipster's Journal

[dave42]

Hey Mr Pip:

Hang in there. College is coming, and that will change so much. I suggest that you exploit this switch to a new environment: try to keep totally busy, give up the weed, seek out friends who are serious students who are kind and hardworking. I feel like such a preacher! Sorry! But it's cause I want this new environment to help you overcome your addiction.

My sister got into some trouble with cigarettes, alcohol and weed as a teen: she gave up smoking cigarettes on her 18th birthday, weed somewhere in there, and she gave up getting drunk on her 21st birthday.

Hey, Pip, I loved this section: "every sober day that i can get through makes me feel noticably better. it's such a strange experience... you finally get back to living your normal, porn free life, but when you start the relapse patterns again you just simply forget how much it hurts. you forget how much depression and pain you actually go through. and what? all for 15 minutes of pleasure? it's such a ridiculously frusterating system." Yep, it IS such a ridiculously frustrating system. Hang in there!

[23mole]

You can do it pip.

The change to college is humoungus, very few things stay the same, but with that, you can dictate the change that happens. With no history, but the learned expierence from your previous life, it is much like starting completely over AND having a map of how to avoid the pitfalls. Course, a roommate can easily change you just as easily as you can change your self. For example: my roommate is awesome. He is a socal bible banger. (not that I am just like him, if anything I have drifted away from my religion) but he and I share a similar moral and ethical code. Deep down, I know that that has helped me more than anything else (well, plus the initial enviroment shock). Good luck and hold in there. The days at home before leaving for college are the worst. It just gets easier from there.

23mole

[pipster22]

mole, i am so happy you and your roomate get along so well. use him to your benefit! i am very worried about how me and my roomate are going to mesh.

college is only a few days away and i have yet to pack anything. i am really stalling to the max. it is official that all of my good senior friends have left and gone to college. it's so weird being the last one here. i just want to get to college and be done with the first day so i can go get wasted. my mom starts chemo 3 days after i leave for college. it is so hard to think that i am going to be leaving and partying it up at college while she is going to be here at home hurting so much from chemo. i really try to not even think about it.

i am so happy that i made it to day 8 already, but sometimes i fear that if i had not been smoking that night i would have relapsed when i got home. smoking really takes my mind off porn as well as every other problem in my life. it scares me because at the beginning of the summer i bought a bag (of weed). i said that would be it and it would last me until college. it lasted 2 weeks, and that's with me being at camp all week. when i came home from camp i would say i bought at least 3 more bags. i bought one two days ago and now here i am thinking i cant even get through the next 3 days before college - i am buying another one. this, however, is not the place to be talking about things like this. this is the last time i will be mentioning my smoking.

i am so glad i made it to day eight. where things go from here, i have no idea. it's just so hard to think about it. everything is one big unkown. i try my best to avoid thinking about it, but sometimes it is inevidable. will me and my roomate get along? will i be able to handle the coursework? will i make good friends? what if everyone on my floor sucks? all my fears are things that i am not going to know until i am there and it is actually happening. honestly, i am scared to be out on my own; i am such a dependant person college is going to be a huge wakeup call. i hope i make friends who care about who i am and not just what i do. i just want it to start so i can get the first few days over with.

to the future-----

[dave42]

Hey, Pipster!

Wow, you have a lot on your plate. I didn't realize your mom is going through chemo just as you are going off to college. Sigh...that's a LOT for you to deal with. I'll be thinking good thoughts about you.

Pipster: I feel bad that I got kind of preachy about weed, because you wrote in your latest entry that "this, however, is not the place to be talking about things like this. this is the last time i will be mentioning my smoking." Hey, my friend, the important thing for us is that you feel supported. I feel bad that you might feel like "editing" your life for us. Hey, weed is part of your life: so why not mention it?

I want you to feel like we are all cheering you on, and now I'm concerned that you might think I'm judging or disapproving.

I guess this is the best way to say it: keep telling us about your struggles, your fears and your coping strategies -- keeping that communication going is important. We want you to succeed, and we are glad you've had 8 clean days. Awesome work!

[23mole]

You can do it Pip.
As for meeting people at college, sooner than you could imagine it becomes a non-issue. Just take it one day at a time.

23mole

[dave42]

Hey, Pipster, how are you doing? We are all cheering you on! Are you at college yet?

[pipster22]

Wahoo, I am finally moved in at college and have been here for about two days. although i am really missing home and my family, college is over-all great. i am having a lot of fun but finding myself becoming very lonley at times. i meet probably over 85 people a day, but will never see them again. this is probably because i am at such a large campus, but non-the less it is a very frusterating problem. i've met many people on my floor/dorm - they are all very nice. i guess what i am longing for at this point are true friends who are going to stick by me. i am trying not to dwell on this too much now because, as i said before, it is only the second day.

i have drank both nights i have been here, which really werent the smartest decisions but if i get the opportunity again tonight i will again. it is horrible waking up and going to the welcome activities. alcohol, however, makes me extremley confident. when i am drunk i am able to approach anyone and any group of people. people find me extremley funny and i love it. i feel that i never get that amount of attention when i am sober. (i like to think others, unless i tell them, don't know i am drunk - i am pretty good at keeping the stupid shit to a minimum).

so in summary, things are great and i love college. but i desperatley hope to make good and true friends very soon.

as for the porn... i am still clean. i am very happy i was able to have that last chunk of summer sober from porn. i think my attitude now would be very different if i was only on day 4/5. i am not entirely sure what day i am on, i have not been keeping up with my calander. i will eventually update it and then post on here. i truley find it almost impossible to myself doing that stuff while at college. however, next week when i start my real schedule and start attending classes i will have more down time so i guess i really won't know for sure until then.

i see extremley good looking people all day every day while i am here, but thankfully i am able to keep my head above the clouds and keep my mind clean - this is probably beause i am so nervous and just want to get my life set up here. i am hoping that such a big school as this one (top 10) was not a mistake. i am going to keep my fingers crossed and a positive attitude.

thank you dave & 23mole for keeping me in your thoughts. i hope all is going well with you two, i will be sure to keep myself updated with both of your postings.

-pippy

[dave42]

Go Pipster! We are all happy you are clean. Not to preach, but I am concerned about your drinking. Hang in there. If possible, I'd encourage you not to drink, or to drink less. It's okay that you find yourself lonely at times. I think that that is normal. You are the kind of guy, I think, who needs to be surrounded by supportive friends. But it's okay if you are alone, okay? And like you said, 2 days is just two days. The kind of friendships you are talking about take time and energy, but they are worth it. We are all cheering you on. Hey, if I had a dime for everytime I wanted to have instant confidence, instant friends, instant comfort, I'd be a rich man! Glad you are so clean and so enthusiastic. Keep up the good work.

[pipster22]

Dave, thank you so much for caring. Honestly, thank you.
------------------------------
I am still clean. I am loving college and all that comes with it. I have made (what i hope to be) good friends that i am comfterable and happy with. I have been partying way too much, didn't do any homework last week. i came home this weekend to see my mom - which was a great time to get all this lagging homework done. i started working on it at 11 this morning and finished (about half of it) by 5 at night. YIKES. who knew college would actually be hard..?

i am so grateful i decided to come home. if i didnt, i honestly probably would not have done any homework this weekend. i really did not think it would be this much. it scares me so much to think about if i had not came home, where i would be in the homework situation... how behind i would be. anyways, from here on out i will be keeping up with homework and no more thirsty thirsday.. well no im not going to lie i will still be partying but i will try to keep the homework more in check. i am at school for one reason only and that is for academics. i want to make my mom proud.....

I am so much happier at college than i ever have been. i love being around people, my age, 24/7. my friends are there constantly. i am never alone. i feel like i have started a new life. i pick and choose who and what i let into it and how i want to lead it. i dont think i have been this happy in a very long time, especially during the school year. everyonce in a while i will miss porn, and have a longing for it. i try to remind myself of where i am coming from. it is so easy to forget how life used to be.

my mom is starting chemo, which is very hard to see. it makes me want to relapse - very badly. being at home, i have almost relapsed twice. (i ended up mb'ing twice). it worries me to think i could have lost all of my progress. i am not going to let that happen. after all the pain porn has caused me i have finally realized how it works. it does not remove the pain from my life, it only adds to it. it's not going to take my homework away, take the cancer away from my mom, or make me happy. it is only going to fade these problems and make me not deal with them face on. it digs me into a hole and burries me alive. i am going to stay above water this time, and deal with my problems face on.

every day is a new struggle but i have to face it on my own. sure, i could search porn and have a great 15 minutes each day... but i have to realize what happens for the rest of the 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day. i need to learn how to handle real life issues without something i can fall back on, it's like cheating life.. and eventually life will catch up, whether you are ready or not.

i am still not sure what day mark i am on. i am actually getting pretty curious so i think when i get back to college i will count. college, as of now, has been the best thing that has ever happened to me - especially in terms of my porn addiction. there have been few times where i have even thought about it, let alone consider doing it. i will not let it into my new life, no matter how many problems i have. porn is not the solution it only creates more problems .. and of course the ever lasting depression.

i love not thinking about it anymore. not obsessing about it. i can wake up and think about my life, and not about what day i am on and how i am going to get through without relapsing. however, no matter how good i am currently feeling, i know that this can be taken away with the drop of a hat. i can come back to the dorm, my roomate could be gone, and i could slip back into the dreaded cycle all over again. if i let it into my new life, it will never go away. this is my final chance to kick it out and keep it out.

i wish the best for everyone and can only hope that this new life of mine will continue going the way it is.


pippy

[dave42]

I wish I had more time to respond. I'm very sorry about your mom. Hang in there! I know that you will try to do what you can to support her.

Hey, let's celebrate this: "I am still clean." Let's see that again, "I am still clean." Come on, that's amazing, you almost underplay it, Pip! I want to repeat so that you see your progress: "I am still clean. I am still clean.I am still clean.I am still clean." Hold on to your progress and savor it!

Pipster: we are proud of you!!!!

Dave