Pipster's Journal

[pipster22]

Daniel, thank you so very much for your post. it makes me feel great to know someone cares enough to follow what struggles i am going through. i try to tell myself often that because of all the knowledge i have gained from this site, i will be able to beat this addiction. i hope it's true.

the days are hard to get through. i feel sad most of the time, always on the edge of crying. i think the first part of the recovery is always hard. i guess this is just the depression that i once again have to get through. my family situation certainly does not help the pain. at the same time though, my family situation gives me even more strength to want to stop this addiction.. sometimes though, i honestly feel like it is impossible to quit. i am very worried that i am going to sub-conciously replaced porn with weed. i am trying to be aware and not let it happen, but it's becoming harder.. which scares the hell out of me.

i start college in less than a month and can only pray to god that my emotions will be under control by then. i have a strong feeling the majority of these hard feelings are with the recovery process. i hope to god that happiness will come at the end of the road, which it usually does. i will be at camp now until this friday. this will give me a good, clean start on the road to recovery. i have to keep the strength i have now and bring it with even after i am home from camp.

looking at this journal kills me. it absolotuley kills me. looking back through the past year, reading how much pain and depression i went through and to think the only place i am going is right back there. i was positive that i would be over this addiction by now and i am not even close. i have no idea where i am going to go from here. i just want to be happy.

[pipster22]

i am not sure what day mark i am at, and to be honest i like not knowing. i am back from camp, and still clean since the last time i have posted. it was another strenuous and emotionally draining week at camp but i am home now and i am done for the rest of the summer.

i start college in two weeks. i am basically numb right now. some of my best friends are leaving now in the next few weeks, leaving me stuck here until i leave myself. it's a horribly lonley feeling. i have accepted the fact that if i want to deal with these problems in my life instead of run from them, i have to stay sober from porn.

i am happy i am still clean - but honestly i know it doesnt mean much. even if i make it all the way until i leave, i have no idea what college is going to be like. what if i get even more addicted than i am now?

between my family problems and now all this heart break with my best friends splitting up, i am so depressed. i don't think i have ever been this depressed in my life. i know, however, if i can stay away from porn.. i can get past this hard time in my life. i am going to see how long i can keep myself from counting what day i am on. it doesn't mater what day, all that matters is that i keep going in a forward and positive direction. i can no longer use porn as my shield from life; it's a bitch to realize that i no longer have a constant drug flowing from my internet box.

[dave42]

Hey Pipster: I love this passage: "it doesn't mater what day, all that matters is that i keep going in a forward and positive direction. i can no longer use porn as my shield from life; it's a bitch to realize that i no longer have a constant drug flowing from my internet box." I agree with all of your points here: the day doesn't matter (but congratulations on having made it so many days!), and, yep, it IS crummy that we no longer have this drug. Give yourself credit for naming that: it's just bad. Thanks!

[23mole]

hey pipster,
long time since I posted. Keep your head up. If anything I have found it easier to quit Mb'ing after moving in to college. See my new journal to get an idea of what I mean. Don't worry pip just keep going.

23mole

[pipster22]

Yep, i relapsed again. was on the admin account for a bit too long too late at night and that's that. i am not going to let myself freak out about this. i am also not going to let this one relapse turn into a chain of relapse after relapse.

i start college in about 2 weeks and the last thing i need is to be in the heat of a relapse cycle. 23mole says that being in college has helped him stay clear from porn and mb, i truley hope this will be me as well. i feel like being in a totally new environment with totally new people and new habits will help me a ton. while i was at camp, i never even once thought about mb or even porn. i hope this carries over into college.

some mornings i wake up feeling like i am tied to bricks at the bottom of an ocean. i feel so overwhelmed. all of my friends are leaving and soon i will be to. it's so much to take it. i am losing all of my best friends to go to college just to make a bunch of new random ones. i guess that's life and i just have to embrace it. i am praying it will be a good experience: socially and academically.

[dave42]

Smart to say this, Pipster: "i am also not going to let this one relapse turn into a chain of relapse after relapse." Good for you. It's so important to do what you are saying, and not let this relapse trigger more. Good luck!

[pipster22]

it's so sad to see.
i have to use porn to keep me above ground. i was going crazy.
i don't know what to do... all i know is that i am at a very low point in my life. i feel like i am constantly being pulled to the bottom of a deep ocean.
i always become so confused as to whether the porn is what's making me depressed, or am i using porn to take heal my depression?

i can only listen to certain songs bceause anything that has any substance or emotional peel to it makes me extremley overwhelmed. i hope this goes away. soon.

[gnein]

it's so sad to see.
i have to use porn to keep me above ground. i was going crazy.
i don't know what to do... all i know is that i am at a very low point in my life. i feel like i am constantly being pulled to the bottom of a deep ocean.
i always become so confused as to whether the porn is what's making me depressed, or am i using porn to take heal my depression?

i can only listen to certain songs bceause anything that has any substance or emotional peel to it makes me extremley overwhelmed. i hope this goes away. soon.

I've been in your position, and it's no fun. For me the depression was caused by rejection (or perceived rejection) from women, so I turned to P to heal the depression, which ultimately only made it worse, and increased the need for P to try to 'heal'. Before I knew it I was addicted. I think you're in a similar place. The good news is that you CAN snap out of it, but there might be some pain first.

What I suggest you do is talk to a counsellor about your problems, the depression, even if you don't mention the P. Also try looking for some new hobbies or some exercise to take your mind off the P and give yourself something to feel positive about. Your life has intrinsic value that can and needs to be nurtured, even if you can't see it now. You just need to find some positive direction.

[breakforever]

Also try looking for some new hobbies or some exercise to take your mind off the P and give yourself something to feel positive about.

I think Gnein is right. If you can replace p with something more rewarding, you can use it to help with your depression. It's like two birds with one stone. I know it's not as easy as it sounds, though. Good luck.

[pipster22]

I would love to talk to a therapist. unfortunatley without my parents knowing this would be very difficult to do. i go to college in about a week, i suppose once i am there i could look into finding a professional therapist that i could talk to. i guess we will see what happens with the addiction in college.

every sober day that i can get through makes me feel noticably better. it's such a strange experience... you finally get back to living your normal, porn free life, but when you start the relapse patterns again you just simply forget how much it hurts. you forget how much depression and pain you actually go through. and what? all for 15 minutes of pleasure? it's such a ridiculously frusterating system.

i am still smoking weed "ocassionally". i am trying to stay concious of how much i am doing it and why i am doing it. last night, i had a very bad experience. i smoked and everything went horrible. i had a horrible anxiety attack - which really gave me a lot of insight as to which problems in my life i am really over anlyzing.