Pipster's Journal

[Bird-boy]

It sounded like you're going to be doing great in the next few weeks or days (keeping busy with working at a camp), until you mentioned the drinking and the "pot".

Those things just don't seem like a good idea to me...




Good luck on today and on the next few days!!! :)

[Mindtech]

Yeah Bird, I thunk the same thing on the drink and pot.

I'm a person who fairly easy become addicted to stuff. I have an addiction-based personality. This means I have to look out for stuff that other people seem addicted to. Since a young teenager I've really cut down on sweets, potato chips and anything like it, and have replaced it with fruits, nuts and so on. People always seem to crave these things, it's like they can't leave it alone. I'm at a party and the plate of chokolate and sweets is passed around. When I don't take one people look at me and go "you're not having any?!!" followed by "I wish I could do that!!"
I think I could be addicted to sweets. But I don't want to try my luck. There seems to be no benefit to eating sweets.
I hope you're keeping the benefits in mind when you're drinking or smoking. Otherwise, why are you doing it? To fit in with the retards?

:)

[pipster22]

I think i have a fairly addictive personality too, however in a different sense. i have never used weed or alcohol to 'escape' life. mainly because, while i am high/drunk my problems are still in my head. they do not free me of thinking of them - like P does. i smoke/drink because its extremley fun and makes any social situation even better. i am very aware to watch myself as i start smoking pot as in how often im doing it and why im doing it. if it gets to the point where im doing it to cover up problems in my life, i know i need to stop.
----------------------------------
i took parental controls off my laptop today. why? i don't know. i feel like having parental controls forces something upon me that may only be temporary. when i am at college, at the library, on a friend's laptop, whatever the situation may be, there won't be parental controls to keep me from this devil. i need to learn on my own to counter-act it. every time i open my laptop i am allowing myself the chance to relapse. and just as similar, every time i close my laptop, i can know that i had the chance to relapse - but decided not to. will this work? i have no idea. i hope to god yes.

i am here so late because i was searching facebook. i come across extremley scandalous photos of friends of friends of friends who were partying at college with very good looking people. the photos were extremley provocative and really got me going (i really have no idea how facebook even allows that to be uploaded). after scanning through multiple times, i realize i had turned the parental controls off.

my stomache jumped with excitment. until i realized: do i want to give up my soon to be nine days of sobriety? do i want to start over? do i want to ruin my summer goals? these questions are not the ones that kept me from relapsing, however they certainly opened my eyes.

the question that got me was this: will turning to porn make me any closer to these people in real life? will i be in these pictures tomorrow? friends with these college kids? create any connection with them at all? no. absoloutley not. turning to porn to satisfy my lust will actually, make me further away from these people than right now. i have to realize that porn will not bring me to these lustful college parties, have a boyfriend of my own, or fix my life in any way, shape, or form.

what finally got me was thinking of how i would feel after i looked and relapsed. how lonley i would feel, how empty i would feel, and how truley dead i would feel. the way porn makes me feel is something i would never wish on anyone. it would take that college party that i just peered at through facebook and slap it in my face. i refuse to let that happen, again.

i am going to take this newfound freedom of the internet and turn it into something positive. the power is now 100% in my hands and i am going to run with it. i am not going to let myself down.

my biggest anti-trigger that i have ever had is college. thinking about college makes me never want to look at porn again. why? in my mind, if i slip now (this summer) i will be relapsing for the rest of the summer. that will then bring me to the start of my college career. if i slip and relapse at college i fear that will be like letting the poision sink into the new chapter of my life - the thought alone makes me want to cry. now is the time to deal with this problem, head on. i want to be able to walk into college confident, but most of all i want to be able to walk in happy and comfterable with myself. i want to know that i am in control of my life, not the jock that sits in front of me in chemistry that triggers me to relapse everyday.

porn, to the majority of men, is a casual activity. just like alcohol, to the majority of college students, is a casual pastime. however, to me, porn is not a casual activity. i can never just look at it "once". one relapse has the potential to devoure my life, bringing me to a point where i cannot go 9 hours without it, where im masterbating 3-4 times a day, searching for new porn hours and hours each night. i will never let myself go back to that place again in this lifetime.

there will always be hardships in life but neither porn, alcohol, or weed will ever fix anything. if you don't deal with the problems head on they will only escalate, creating more and more problems on the slide down. now is the time to deal with them, not tomorrow.

pippy

[Bird-boy]

i took parental controls off my laptop today. why? i don't know. i feel like having parental controls forces something upon me that may only be temporary. when i am at college, at the library, on a friend's laptop, whatever the situation may be, there won't be parental controls to keep me from this devil. i need to learn on my own to counter-act it. every time i open my laptop i am allowing myself the chance to relapse. and just as similar, every time i close my laptop, i can know that i had the chance to relapse - but decided not to. will this work? i have no idea. i hope to god yes.

I have had the exact same thoughts about preventative measures (although if it were possible I still want to get a K9 thinggie or similar program that can lock myself off the internet when I need to be doing schoolwork), although I'm not going off to college.

I'll probably edit this post a little tomorrow (later today--it's past midnight).
Anyway, goodluck!!!

[pipster22]

Things have been going smoothly. hardly any thoughts about sex, porn, or masterbation - it feels amazing.

my schedule has started to pick up, which has been a huge factor in it all. i had my collge freshman orientation a few days ago. college is going to be an amazing experience, i can hardly wait. however, i realized something. there is absoloutley no place for porn addiction in college. the insecurities, the depression, the shame.. i can't even imagine dealing with those emotions while trying to make friends and figure out how to deal with college courses.

this has given me an incredible amount of inspiration. i know this time is going to be different. my life literally depends on me staying sober. i want to be able to walk into college knowing "i have been clean for three months, longer than ever before."

i start camp tomorrow and will only be home friday-sunday. this will be extremley helpful in keeping me away from P as well as mb. i will probably only be posting once a week, but nontheless will make sure to keep up here.

i am starting to not be so pre-occupied with my "day marks". i am actually starting to struggle remembering which day i am on, which is probably the best feeling in the world.

i want everyone to know even though i will probably not be posting much here or in other's journals, i will always be keeping up with my reading and keeping up with everyone's situations. i love everyone who has helped me here and will never forget anyone who has reached out to me.

[pipster22]

Not sure how to explain the state i am in right now... floating on a cloud i suppose. i love camp and it will very likely be the best experience of my life. it is changing me as a person and opening my eyes to the greater good.

unfortunatley, the day before i left i masterbated. it is unfortunate because the first 3 days of camp were consumed by nasty thoughts of other attractive counselors. i am making a pact to not let myself masterbate when i come home on the weekends. the thoughts are still in my mind, but i will combat them.

cheers to a great next week

[pipster22]

I have been relapsing for about a week. so far, i have not been affected emotionally. i am going through a pretty rough time which was the potential to only get worse. camp is great - i am really enjoying it. i am smoking a lot of weed on the weekends but at this point i just really couldnt care less how much i am smoking or looking at porn

[Bird-boy]

Sorry about what you've been going through the past week; it has happened to me too, a few weeks ago..

RE-read the post you made on "06-15-2009, 10:19 PM."

Oh, and Hi, by the way :); I haven't "talked to you" in almost a month. I've been out of the forums for the last few weeks, except for twice last week. But I can't forget the helpful network of TTF friends that I should keep up communicating with.

I hope that the present events get better really soon.

Congradulations on the college orientation, and have a good time at the camp.
Bird-boy

[pipster22]

wow... it's been so long i actually forgot how to add a new post. damn.

well, i am back after a ridiculous summer. i have basically found myself into my old ways. with less than a month until college starts. it really sucks and i am basically pretty much in the worst situation i ever could have thought of. i wanted to be through with this addiction ages before college started, and now, here i am in the exact same spot.

the summer has been crazy. my job was ridiculously hard but was an amazing experience that i will always cherish. my family life took a hard turn with a cancer diagnosis. this has played a huge role in my relapse. i am so scared to start the recovery process yet again.. i can't even bare to imagine how many times i am going to relapse before i can get this right.

i guess at this point i just have to look forward into the future and accept that relapses have to be apart of my recovery.

heres to this week's day 1.....

[Daniel]

Pipster,

I am real sorry to hear of the tribulation within your family.

And of course it's a drag to hear that this experience knocks the legs from under your resolve to quit P.

But I understand. Adversity can become your 2nd worst enemy in these circumstances.

I have stood by and mostly watched your progress, read excerpts from your journal, I can see what's happening and quite honestly when I was at your stage of life I was in the same or nearly the same boat.

But the one thing you have that I didn't have is Knowledge and Comraderie in the struggle. These can be a winning combination for you Pipster. The potential is there at least.

Believe me, I understand the wash-and-spin cycle of what seems like endless relapses and regret/remorse episodes. Only to go back for more.

You don't have to "accept" the relapse cycle though.

To do so is to come very close to saying you will fail before you will succeed. That failure is some sort of brute given.

It is not!

I'm not an advocate of the power of positive thinking etc., but work to maintain your attitude that Winning is theoretically possible, and I believe that you can attain freedom, and that you can do it without having to go through __ failures to get there.

It will all come down to your (and mine, in the day), personal pain index: how much pain am I willing to endure before I arrive at the point where my resolve to stay clean will withstand the tempations?

A question that only you can answer.

Fight the good fight Pipster. You do not have to give in.

Cherish every victory no matter how small it may seem.

Daniel