Pipster's Journal

[Mindtech]

Aaak!

Stop beating yourself over the head! Okay, so you didn't make June either. So what? I didn't make 2002-2009! So I SUCK compared to you!

I aim to handle today. That's all! I don't even wanna think about the rest of June! Or the rest of the week, it's too much, aaaahhh!!! And thank you Life for making this possible. That way I can get along too! Yay!! :)

[pipster22]

bird - yess of course i read daniels journal. and thank you for mentioning the miley song. i have listened to it so many times when i have needed strength. sometimes, though, its hard and painful to listen to. i would noramlly listen to it when i was completely in the slums and now for that it brings back all the memories. but the message it conveys (which could be taken in a million different ways) is very profound for me. (and for anyone who listens with a PA mind-set)

MT, you make me feel so happy!!:)i love reading your posts. i will try to handle it a day at a time, but it gets so hard.

i have two full days of high school left. (friday & monday).
i am in an emotional frenzy. in so many different ways.
part of me is of course excited, but then the other part is so depressed and emotional about it. i will never see half of my graduating class again and its a hard thing to deal with. and of course, im scared for this summer. what will come of my PA? i don't know if i could live with myself if i go into college at the same place i am at now..

i need to be over this addiction by the time college comes around, and thats what scares me.

its funny because you'd think with school ending, all my stresses would be gone. but ironically enough the summer brings with it a plethora of stresses. im such a psyschotic person i put so much stress on myself. i always have to have plans, constantly. i hate being alone, i hate it. i dont even know what else to say right now.. i guess thats all

[Mindtech]

Patience, young Jedi. Eat your oatmeal, do what you gotta do and you'll be okay. Don't dwell on the past, try and accept it. Don't fear the future: Realize that it doesn't exist. Only the present exists. As you're reading this, you step from one moment of the present into another moment of the present. See? It's always the present. There is no future! There's no college, no nothing to worry about! You're doing fine in the present, keep it up friend. It's the fear that messes up your present.

Another thought, what whatever it's worth:
A whitehaired Irish dude at an AA meeting held in a basement in an old part of town once grapped me by the arm after a meeting and said in a thick Irish accent, pointing at me: "Your mind is a dangerous neighbourhood. Don't go there alone."
What this means is: You messed up your life with your mind behind the wheel. It's your mind that's causing the trouble. Sometimes it's good to step back and let something else to the driving. Just be a body, and try and let the spirit take control. It will never hurt you.
My Higher Power, which I believe to be the essence of humanity which I humbly share a part of, is right now telling me to tell you that your mother loves you and wants you to be happy, and now go and be good to yourself for the rest of the day. Because you deserve it. Because you're a beautiful human being.

[Scooter]

Hi Pip - haven't met you before (I don't think) but just want to say I have really enjoyed reading your journal. I relate to many of your experiences and your way of thinking. I sincerely wish you all the best in your journey.

You mention depression a lot - I'm sorry if you have covered this elsewhere in your journal (I've only had time to read the last page), but have you been clinically diagnosed? Are you on medication? How crippling is it for you? Or are you just losing the term loosely?

I too suffer from it but am now on Prozac. I hadn't considered if it was my porn cycle that affected my depression, I always tended to view it the other way around (I view porn when I'm depressed). Thanks for some really thought provoking posts, and I hope to get more time to catch up on your posts that I've missed.

[One day at a time]

Hey Pip,

I've read a little of your journal and see how bad you beat yourself up for relapsing every now and then. I think you have to step back and realize that most of the guys here are way older than you and are only now having the courage to deal with this issue. You had the courage at a very young age to realize this is a problem and try to deal with it. You should be VERY proud of yourself! If my husband had realized he had a problem when he was your age we wouldn't be going through the difficulties that we are going through right now. You also have to realize that when we are teenagers our hormones have this insane driving force that is really hard to control so I think you've got it tougher than allot of older guys which again only shows how strong and brave you are! Take it one day at a time and I know you'll get through this!

In regards to Scooter...

Stay away from strong medications like that for depression. They only take care of part of the problem and most times worsen some symptoms like suicidal thoughts. I have been diagnosed with genetic chronic depression ever since I was a teenager and have taken every medication doctors, therapist and even psychiatrist have thrown at me. All it does is leave you feeling so numb that you can't do anything including get better. The only way to break through from depression is to find the source of the problem and confront it and deal with it. Remember that depression affects everyone around you and it's hard for your loved ones to see you go through it. Keep a positive mind and whenever you feel your head going to a negative place talk to someone you trust about what you're feeling. If your depression is chronic like mine it will never fully go away but it can get to a point where you know how to deal with it in a way that it doesn't affect you as much. If you need any help or have any questions about depression feel free to contact me. I've been dealing with it for over 10 years.

Sincerely,
One day at a time >:D<

[pipster22]

One day, scooter, and MT :
thank you three for your posts - i can honestly say they are the probably the three most insightful, helpful, and most of all empowering posts i have ever been written! it makes me overwhelmingy happy to know people of your guys's knowledge/wisdom are reading my posts! thank you:)

well, as the title says i am on day 2. during the last week of school i relapsed another three times because of the stress (however, i am not dwelling on that). it's now summer and i am ready to move on. my goal, not to relapse at all during summer, is back in action. i am trying to keep myself down to earth about it and just not worry about it. and even if i do end up relapsing, i will just pick myself up like always. its funny because now that i dont have my "school" stress somehow stress still finds it's way back into my life. between college, graduation, my job, and social pressure the stress has definetly not dissapated - i think thats a word.

as of now, i am actually pretty depressed and low. tomorrow we graduate and then have our end of the year party - which will be the last time i will see 3/4 of my graduating class. im not necesarily sad to be leaving HS, but i just feel like its a huge milestone in my life and it makes me so scared because it means college is right around the corner (ahhh). unfortunatley ontop of these already sad feelings, i am going through my withdrawl stages that i get after a relapse (depression, emptiness, anxiety). i am trying my best to block it all out and just move on and enjoy summer. i am going to try to keep myself as unbelivably busy as possible.

i hope everything is going great for everyone else, its finally summer! i wish the best for everyone
pippy

[pipster22]

yesterday was my graudation from high school.
i was not in the right mood to deal with it, but i got through it.

after reading Bird Boy's most recent post, i realized how much i want to stay/become sober. it made me realize and accept that porn DOES alter how you interact with people and even worse how your brain functions. this current feeling i have gives me a lot of hope that i will be able to beat this over the summer. i want to be able to interact with my parents on a deeper level, as well as my friends, before college. i feel like this is so crucial, no matter what i am feeling i have to make sure porn is never the answer.

from my behavior yesterday (twoards my parents) i have never wanted to quit porn more. also, while i was at a party last night i could not stop checking people out. i had forgotten how porn makes you brain work in such a different way.

for now, all i can say is that i am going to take it day by day, hour by hour, and take all the knowledge i have accumulated through the previous year and use it to my advantage.

it's funny how bad you can want something, and even funnier how i am the only person who can give it to me.

[Bird-boy]

I am glad my post was able to help you out.

The past few days, including today, I HAVE been having urges, but I have not caved in. I didn't feel like dropping the weight I was struggling to hold up, but I also felt like the weight was getting too heavy.

I hope that, after a few more days or a week of doing this, the weight will feel like nothing at all. I hope it will be the same for you!

--Bird-boy

[Mindtech]

I remember graduation. Was incredibly drunk and stoned, but quite happy that "I would never meets these sorry retards again." Got thrown out of a club, smoked all night, stole a bycycle at 5 in the morning, went past a allnight convenience store to buy an adult magazine, and ended up breaking into a basement to MB. The good old days, huh? Hope your graduation was more fulfilling.

After about a year of trying to quit P, I one day asked myself: Do I actually love myself enough to treat myself right every day?
Every time I relapse I feel bad. In effect I'm telling myself that feeling bad is what I deserve.
You would never hit yourself in the head with a hammer, because you would go "that's bad for me." So how is P different? You feel bad? Every time? Every single time? Do you love yourself enough to stop doing P, and start being good to yourself?

:)

[pipster22]

i think your graudation story wins;)
i completely agree, however. i do love myself and i deserve to be happy.

today is my one week mark and things are going well. i have not had any real urges or anything like that. i have mb'd once and luckily that hasnt affected my recovery. i was with my friend yesterday while she was on the computer and out of nowhere she just started searching P. i kept my eyes on the keyboard, although the sounds were hard to ignore. i did my best to block it out of my mind.

i am still in the mindset that i will be clean all summer and nothing is going to change that. i start working at this camp next sunday and after that i will be extremley busy for the rest of the summer, i am hoping that will help me immensley. until then i am just hanging out, going to grad parties, drinking and smoking pot.. such a healthy schedule.

pippy