Pipster's Journal

[23mole]

Pipster, I understand your want to have a clean summer. Sure I wanted to get rid of my addiction by the time I ended high school. What happens after HS? College. I don't know if your P / MB use is tied in with your stress but I found the second that my finals were over and school was "done", it completely left my mind as an issue I haven't been back yet. I don't know if you have yet to finish school. If you haven't just relax. Your going to college, you can beat your addiction, and always stay positive. I know you can do it. If you have, get a job or something to fill your time. Do something that just lets you sit there, completely at peace. (I personally have checked out about half of the library's movie collection) Hope it helps.

23mole

[pipster22]

Bird, star, and mole - thank you guys so much for your words of encouragement during my relapse! i read them throughout the week and i cannot tell you guys how much inspiration and hope they gave me.. thank you

Things are going so much better.
i was able to get ahold of the relapses and am now proudly on day five. i am never going to let that happen to me again. i felt things i havent felt in months, it brought me instantly back to this hell i never wish to return to again.

now, however, things are so much better. i feel great and am moving right on past my relapses.. which totaled to four days. the depression hit me hard a few days ago but now i am moving past it and am barely even thinking about P. at the begining, i was mb'ing a lot but i have stopped that due to fear of that becoming a problem as well.

school is coming to end before i know it.. we get out June 8. i have bittersweet feelings; i am excited to move on but at the same time very sad to be leaving high school. also, i fear for the summer. last summer was the height of my addiction and i don't want that to happen again.

i have also put myself into a new mindset. during my relapse period i was so overwhelmed. i thought of my goal to not relapse at all this summer and how i was going in the completely wrong direction. i felt so inredibly overwhlemed.. but then i realized what everyone on this site says. take it a day at a time. well i finally realized what that truley MEANS.. and it feels great. i cant explain how much pressure it takes off of me.
i don't have to worry about how june, july, or august is going to go. all i have to worry about is how i am going to end TODAY. i have to worry about whats going to happen when i come home at night and how i am going to get through TODAY - Sunday 24 2009. thats it. nothing more and nothing less. i can't worry about this summer, all i can control is what i will do now: after im doing writing this, after i come home tonight, before i go to bed, after im done facebooking.

i truley feel liberated. its one thing to think about the concept but another to actually use it and implement it in your life. i recommend to everyone to make it a huge part of your recovery.

-pippy

[Bird-boy]

I am so glad that yet another person has internally realized that concept. I realized that about a week ago, I think.

[Mindtech]

You got it! One day, just today.

Sometimes if you're in danger, you can even say "just this hour. Just until 4 o'clock. Just 5 more minutes." I know this helps a lot of people who quit alcohol. I used the "just one more hour" one time when I had left a girlfriend. I wanted to call her all the time and get her back and make the pain go away. But I thought "I just have to survive this day. Because tomorrow will be better, I know it. So just one more hour. Eventually the pain will go away. In time."

A couple of months later she called me and said she wanted me back, and I rejected her! Go me!

GO PIP!!! \:D/

[pipster22]

i love your story mindtech, i laughed so hard. im glad you came out on top :)

as for me, i am struggling. i am going through a stupid phase i always go through during my recovery. i become so self-absorbed and only care about myself. i feel that everyone in my life needs to revolve completely around me, and if they don't.. i take it personally offensive.

obviously this is a horrible way to go through life and i currently am in shit with about 2/3 of my friends. it makes me feel horrible to see how i am treating the people i care so much about, especially since the end is so near. i don't want this to be how i end the year so i am going to try my hardest to end this phase as soon as i can.

its the dumbest thing ever: i can see how stupid my thought process is.. yet all these small things make me go crazy. i become so confrentational with everyone and it makes me feel horrible at the end of the day.

i have quit masterbating, which has cut my sexual thoughts down two fold. i am going to try to keep this up as long as i possibly can. i hope things get better soon.

[Mindtech]

Here's a trick I use sometimes when I'm becoming self-centered:

Think about other people and their lives. And even better, listen to them talk about their lives. If you really listen, you will feel yourself being removed from yourself and your own worries.

[pipster22]

Mind, thank you! i used the technique this weekend with a few different friends and i am now out of my self-centered state of mind. :) thank god !

i turned 18 this weekend. i got tested for STD's and went to a strip club.

i got tested because of my sexual encounter earlier in the year. it made me realize how fake and unrealistic porn truley is. if i can't have sex twice without worrying about STD's, how on earth can porn be even a little real? those porn stars must be the unhappiest people on the earth, with a ton of gross STDs. i dont know how else to explain how i feel, but it basically just opened my eyes to see the truths of sex. (i was negative for all STDs, including HIV) what we see in porn, is not what normal people do.

i am very proud of myself with how i dealt with the strip club situation. it was filled with porn, some of which my friends bought, and videos that were playing in the store. even after seeing scenes from videos, looking at magazines, and getting lapdances from strippers i was able to come home that night and not look at p or even mb. i hope what i saw at the club does not come back to haunt me later on. i am going to try to remove it from my memory the best i can.

stopping mb has been the best move i have made throughout all my recoveries. i truley dont think one can quit the addiction if they keep mbing. and this is odd, because earlier in my recovery i was totally for mb. i thought it was a way to free myself of the tensions, but in reality it was just creating even more sexual tensions. i barely think of sex now, and even when i do i do not get erected (which helps trumendously). at times it can be hard because every once in a while i get a strong sexual urge, but i am getting good at ignoring them. i hope i can keep it up!

this will be my last full week of school! wahoooo.
im so excited, yet filled with nerves and anxiety thinking about how my recovery will go during the summer. i am crossing my fingers.

[StarPuppy]

Mind, thank you! i used the technique this weekend with a few different friends and i am now out of my self-centered state of mind. :) thank god !

i turned 18 this weekend. i got tested for STD's and went to a strip club.

i got tested because of my sexual encounter earlier in the year. it made me realize how fake and unrealistic porn truley is. if i can't have sex twice without worrying about STD's, how on earth can porn be even a little real? those porn stars must be the unhappiest people on the earth, with a ton of gross STDs. i dont know how else to explain how i feel, but it basically just opened my eyes to see the truths of sex. (i was negative for all STDs, including HIV) what we see in porn, is not what normal people do.

i am very proud of myself with how i dealt with the strip club situation. it was filled with porn, some of which my friends bought, and videos that were playing in the store. even after seeing scenes from videos, looking at magazines, and getting lapdances from strippers i was able to come home that night and not look at p or even mb. i hope what i saw at the club does not come back to haunt me later on. i am going to try to remove it from my memory the best i can.

stopping mb has been the best move i have made throughout all my recoveries. i truley dont think one can quit the addiction if they keep mbing. and this is odd, because earlier in my recovery i was totally for mb. i thought it was a way to free myself of the tensions, but in reality it was just creating even more sexual tensions. i barely think of sex now, and even when i do i do not get erected (which helps trumendously). at times it can be hard because every once in a while i get a strong sexual urge, but i am getting good at ignoring them. i hope i can keep it up!

this will be my last full week of school! wahoooo.
im so excited, yet filled with nerves and anxiety thinking about how my recovery will go during the summer. i am crossing my fingers.

don't take it the wrong way but i think its great that you went to a strip club, to step into the lion's den and to come out knowing what was in there and how you face it brings a new aid in your fight against P

I am glad you tested negative but at least you know the dangers and know how to avoid such issues from now on

Good luck with the fight :)

[pipster22]

Relapse # 931811

I'm really blowing it. my goal, of staying clean all summer, was just trashed. june second.

i dont know where to go from here, all i can hope for is that this stays a one time relapse. (however, i already did it twice tonight)

the only thing i can think of doing is smoking. its my last ditch effort to quit this crap. it worked last time and hopefully it will work this time.

[Bird-boy]

I don't think you read Daniel's journal, so here's a link to the latest page. Go ahead and read the post he put yesterday:
Onward: Daniel's Journal

So hopefully you read it and then came back here to read the rest of my post. Daniel's journal is helpful, and one of the nicest ones to read; so I reccomend reading it regularly (and going back to read old posts, like starting at January 09 or so).

I just relapsed too last night. The only thing that means is that you're not alone. A few days ago, I sort of started to think/feel that I might be completely finished; but like in Daniel's post maybe it's just not the time yet. It will come for both of us.

You read Mindtech, right? Well, like him, lets start thinking about how to make a lasting (however the length) peace inside us--to like ourselves more, so that we can focus on the actual problem--on getting rid of p and lust).

Let's go,

B.B.

p.s. and like the miley cyrus song The Climb (I noticed you mentioning it in a forum) it's not about a coveted spot or final destination (Sobriety)--it's about going through every day, not despising our lives, and going through the failures and ALL the successes right as they happen (the "climb").

So let's keep learning how to enjoy our lives, and learning to improve, so we can go through every present moment well.
:)