Pipster's Journal

[Mindtech]

I used to drink. A lot. Now I havn't for years.
Eventually what made me quit was a sudden brush with death. I felt my mind slipping. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the guy staring back at me. He was not a good person. He didn't eat, he had nothing going for him. All he had was attitude and dangerous eyes.

Can highly recommend doing something about the drinking. I really consider my old life to be some sort of dream that I needed to wake up from. I saw it escalating into more wet nights and drugs and ladies on the side, couldn't stop it. Then I finally quit in late August 2003, and when spring came I had never seen spring before. I was nothing less of reborn. No words will do. I wish for every person to feel like I felt that spring.

I wish it for you, dude!

[pipster22]

Mindtech - i read your post as i was boarding the airplane. i decided not to drink this trip. your post made me realize that i could fall into a drinking habbit just as easily as i did with porn. i never thought in a million years i would ever consider myself a "porn addict", but here i am.

it's day thirteen and i am doing okay. the trip was hard, as expected. but i am home now and getting back to my normal everyday life. i cried myself asleep saturday night for many of the reasons i explained in my previous post. it's just so hard to be there now. i had many strong urges while i was there and i actually mb'd once (which is really odd) as of now i am still extremley horny and having many urges however i am fighting them off. i know after about a week of no masterbation that my urges will subdue greatly. today is day 3 of no mb.

other than the upset of emotions this previous weekend, i am pretty happy. i am staying on gaurd, though. i realized that i am on a downward slope that i must get off. i went from a 42 day steak, to a 28, and now if i am following suit it will be underneath 28. i have to break this pattern and stay strong. i won't allow myself to fall into yet another vicious relapse cycle. i will stay clean, no matter how hard it is. i have to stop masterbating as freqeuntly. the only thing mb does is make me hornier the next day which causes urges and distractions.. its a recipe for disaster.

this will be a hard week but we will all get through it.

[CuoreSportivo]

Pipster,
Each and every post you make here makes you a better person. Even if you post to say you have relapsed it makes you stronger. Remember that within you is the strength to go one step further than everyone else believes you can. And we all believe you can go far. One day the monster that is tearing at your soul will be beaten into submission and will surrender your heart back to you. Until that day every hour free is a victory in itself. Do not fear the relapse. Instead focus on celebrating your days clean. Let your brain build euphoric associations with time spent away from p. Keep doing this until the lure of p is not enough of a narcotic for the brain. Allow it to become inane and uninteresting. Take your life back.

[pipster22]

your right Cuore. every day does make us stronger, and every relapse as well. i am trying not to fear it, but sometimes it just gets so overwhelming - i really try to not even think about it osmetimes.

today is my two week mark however i almost lost it yesterday. i have been having bad urges ever since the last time i mb'd saturday night. i started watching riskey youtube videos but after about 3 minutes i realized what i was doing. i shut the computer down and then decided to mb. so far, the urges haven't come back. either one of two things happen when i mb: 1. it makes me even hornier and i have horrible urges for about a week after or 2. it actually helps get all my urges out of me and sexually calms me down. i am hoping this will just calm me down and not make things worse. so far, i haven't had any more urges. it makes me sick to think i could have lost it all last night. i really am on a downward spiral.

[pipster22]

I went from 42 days to 28 days, to now 16 days.

Im sinking and im sinking fast.
Right now, the depression hasn't hit. the depression really doesnt hit until its down to every week. i am watching myself fall back into the horrible relapse cycles. at the rate im going, it will soon be a relapse every week.

i cant let this happen

[pipster22]

*siiiiighhh*
relapsed again today after school.
i still have time to pick this shit up, i just have to focus.

i refuse to go back to how last spring was.
i won't let porn control my life again.

[Bird-boy]

Same thing happened to me (not directly after school though).

One thing we CAN'T forget is that if we let ourselves stay depressed, we won't get anywhere at all. The fact we come here looking for help with each post like this shows us that we definately DO want to move-and not stay in the same spot.

So rid yourself of the sadness, and think of good things today. Just worry about today..

[pipster22]

thank you bird boy for your support.

unfortunatley, i relapsed. again. and again. and again. (four times.)
i can't believe this is happening. all my progress.. gone.

oddly, i am not depressed yet. i think this has to do with the content of the material i am looking at. (generic, typical videos) nothing out of the "norm". usually i will start sliding off the norm path after i get bored of the soft core stuff. luckily, im not there yet.. i believe that is where the depression hits the hardest. i mean, obviously i am going to feel worse about myself afterwards thinking .. "damn, thats what i just did it to??"

anyways, i am taking these four relapses very seriously. its the end end of my senior year and i refuse to let this shit back into my life. i know where this path goes. i am taking away my laptop for three days, and then setting my parental controls to much stricter settings (however, in the end, it is still my choice if i go onto the admin account or not). i will set 'timed' controls, where i wont be able to use the laptop at all during periods where i typically relapse.

im very bummed this is hapening, but i am not going to let it take over. i have fought the depression of so far, so i plan on using that to my advantage. as of now i would not say i am 'hooked', however it is becoming a habbit.. yet again.

my long-term goal was to not relapse June, July, or August. i wanted to leave for college on a great note. this is NOT the way to prepare for a summer free of porn.

i don't know how much i am going to be able to post in the upcoming weeks, but try to assume i am sober ***please.

i hope everyone else is having much more luck than i am.

[Little lock]

Pipster, I share your pain. I too did well initially, then crashed and burned. But I hope you don't give out. Its not worth it letting the addiction master you. I think the hardest thing is to do is to stop the cycle of relapse and make two weeks. Like you observed, your periods of abstinence shortened steadily after a relapse. Same for me.

Well, I hope you don't take things too hard. Its great that you're keeping the depression at bay. Now go get em :)

[StarPuppy]

pipster, i know you are going through a tough time..try to bear with it, the rest you seek is near, just don't let P blind you, you done it so far, don't give up now..get up and go again! :)