Pipster's Journal

[pipster22]

Thank you, Daniel. i totally agree. one of the hardest things about this addiction is beging able to pick up the peices after you've had a relapse. i honestly think is making us all such stronger people, even if we don't realize it right now. what we're going through is seriously ridiculous. i dont know any drug that messes your brain up as much as P.
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But yes, i was able to keep it at a one day relapse. it gives me an extrodinary amount of hope knowing this. there used to be a point where if i relapsed, i wouldnt be able to pick myself up again for at least a week and a half. i have come so far since last summer, but i know if i let myself slide i can be right back at that point in a matter of days.

right now i am just going. i am not really thinking about it much. all i know is that i will not let myself view P. i have started mb'ing again. so far, i dont think i have a problem with it. i am able to keep it at a couple times a week. i need to make sure to keep track of how many times i am doing it. it becomes so easy to just not even "realize" your doing it.. and then all of a sudden you realize you've done it every day that week.

i am confident that i am going to make the big run this time. i am going to get past day 30 and then past day 60.

i was thinking of this summer, which makes me fairly worried.. mainly because the height of my addiction was last summer. i dont know if it was the amount of time i had on my hands, or if it was just thats when it happened to be the height. i actually dont think it was really the time factor too much because, no matter what i was doing that day.. i would find time. late night sessions would last a good 2 to 2.5 hours. it became so bad i wasn't able to go 8 hours without it.. it was the only time i could be happy. i became so reliant on it, it makes me really emotional to think about it.

this summer is going to be different. i have a great job that i am really excited for. last spring one of my biggest stresses/cause of depression was the fact that i didnt have a job. this no job thing killed me because it represented me sitting home alone all summer doing nothing. i mean yes i knew i would hang out with my friends, but realistically most everyone either has a job, sport, camp, or some other summer activity that they are going to be doing. i think, or well i know for a fact, this combines with my huge loss that spring as well. the loss really made my whole world crumble around me. i really just felt alone, and extremely depressed.

anyways im sure that makes no sense to anyone else but its for me.

from here on out i am just going to try to focus on my present life and be happy. theres no point in dwelling on the past, it won't get you anywhere. i need to move on and keep my head up high. it is sad that i had to go through what i did, but it's over. i learned from the experience. i need to make damn sure that later in life when things go ary, i need to talk to someone.. not drown myself in porn.

i dont know exactly why but im starting to get really emotional. thinking about past favorite memories in my childhood, not good memories, and everything in between. this has been happening throughout my recovery. i think the fact that i am graduating in about a month also plays a role in this. im not sure how i feel about it, but im just accepting it. i need accept my feelings and emotions not try to cover them up.

[johndonato]

hey pipster, summer is a more dangerous time for me cause there is a lot more exposed skin to get stuck on. I say it this blunt to demonstrate how my p mind views it.
I try to limit myself to areas where I know are dangerous.....jd

[Little lock]

from here on out i am just going to try to focus on my present life and be happy. theres no point in dwelling on the past, it won't get you anywhere. i need to move on and keep my head up high. it is sad that i had to go through what i did, but it's over. i learned from the experience. i need to make damn sure that later in life when things go ary, i need to talk to someone.. not drown myself in porn.

i think the fact that i am graduating in about a month also plays a role in this.

That was a nice bit of advice to all of us :) Also, congrats on the graduating part. That's cool. Also, thanks for that post on my journal. And of course, 4 days! We're on the same track, and lets hope we can stay that way. In fact, I have confidence that we will stay that way, with enough effort and hardwork.

[Mindtech]

I think sometimes "failure" or "illness" is related to death. When I get a cold or the flu, I start to think about death for some reason. Also when I relapse, I also start to think about "life and death" and how much time I've "wasted" on this, and "what I should be doing with my life instead."
I think it's perfectly natural to have mood swings when you're trying to quit a drug like this. Sometimes for me, I just have to be clear and say: "Just gotta get me thru today. It doesn't matter if I am an incredible person today, like I usually am - alls I gotta do is survive today. Just get to the end, don't relapse, tomorrow will be different."

And that's okay by me. People have days like these. I take it into account.

[Bird-boy]

Hi Pip.
Continued support :). I am on day 1, myself, and I'm going to try to make it through the rest of this month without...doing any of that old stuff.

That might mean that I'll have to come here every day and do hard work.

To everyone's successes and cleanliness!
bird-boy

[pipster22]

Thank you Bird, Mind, LL, and John for your comments/advice.

Mind, i really like your quote. "Just gotta get me thru today. It doesn't matter if I am an incredible person today, like I usually am - alls I gotta do is survive today. Just get to the end, don't relapse, tomorrow will be different." at times, thats exactly how i would view it. no matter how shitty you are feeling, you need to know that the next day will be better. you just have to stay clean.

im still clean and have just reached my one week mark. it feels pretty good. i've been having more sexual thoughts than i would like, but as of now i am able to keep them in check fairly easily. i don't forsee any problems in the near future, but then again i never do.

[CuoreSportivo]

Hey Pipster, I have just been browsing your posts and i think your honesty with yourself and your passion to succeed are an inspiration.

[Daniel]

Pipster,

I just wanted to say how cool it is that, at your age and stage of life, you're seeking to bring the monster under control.

My hat is off to you in that regard!

I don't always see an opportunity to add to your journal, but please know that I am following your Journey and wish you the best way forward!

Continue to cultivate the Triple Venture (Bird-Boy, Little Lock, You), I think you guys can pull and push a lot of good things to each other.

Daniel

[Bird-boy]

Mind and Pipster, the posts you made recently really flesh out the phrase "one day at a time." Before, that phrase just sounded nice, but never sank in. Now, my mind is glossing over less and less things, and I can see now how you only have to worry about the day you are currently in. It makes things a lot easier. :)
Thanks, guys

[pipster22]

Cuore - thank you. i believe at this point in the game, at this level of desperation, there is no use in being anything but completely honest. a lot of things are hard to accept, but without accepting the problems/losses you will never get anywhere.

I agree with you daniel, i think the three of us can help eachother immensley! thanks for your support.

Bird - taking things a day at a time has been crucial to my recovery. i get overwhelmed very easily, so obviously when i think into the future i get very scared (in terms of sobriety).
one of the most reassuring things i would tell myself is: "no matter how bad today might be, its always nice to know that i could go sit in a dark closet for the next three days and feel better than i do now." IE; tomorrow will be better than today, no matter what.

for me, my immense depression was a complete stem off from my porn addiction. the longer i was clean, the happier i was. for others, if depression led to the addiction, obviously sitting in a dark closet for three days won't get you too far. hopefully that made sense. (its all so much easier in my head!)
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Anyway, its about 12 am right now so i am going to consider this my 10th day. things are still going fine. i have, however, experienced some intense patches of depression over the past few days but i am assuming that is because mother's day is approaching. this makes me depressed basically because it was, at one point in my life, the best part of the year. now, becuase i have such a different relationship with my family, its just a stressful event.. which makes me extremley sad. its hard to see something go from the best point of the year, to one of the worst. not because i lost my mom, not because i lost my grandma, but just because the relationship i have with my extended family, as well as my mom/dad, have just gone to shit.

its at the point to where right when i get to my grandmas house, i go straight for the liquor cabinet. this is of course a challenege, but so far i have always suceeded. i can only ever get enough for about one drunk escapade, so i always keep it under my bed for the most stressful time.. usually the formal dinner or just a bad/awkward moment.

the drinking plays a huge role in the depression. my grandma and my cousins used to be my favorite people in the world. my best childhood memories involve them at their house. now, i have to drink just to be around them. it kills me. i dont know where it went wrong and i doubt i ever will. we just grew apart.

being there isnt the depressing part.. mainly because i am always so 'on-edge' that i can never really relax. the depression hits me before/after i visit them. (they live in another state so i will be there until sunday) when i get home is usually the hardest part. my brain keeps going over what happened on the trip. usually awkward or uncomfterable moments that never would have happened years ago. it keeps going over how things used to be, compared to how things are now.

i am not going to let this rough patch spiral me into a relapse. i do not plan on relapsing again. i am going to get to day 30, go onto day 40, and continue strongly onto day 60. from there.. hopefully everything just falls into place. the only thing more depressing than the next 3 days would be if i relapse because of the next three days.

i feel like mb/p is one of those drugs your teachers used to talk about like "don't do drugs to cover up your problems, they will make you feel better for a short period but in the end they just create more problems." well, to think of dealing with all this depression and then adding on a relapse.. that wouldn't be good. at least as of now i have my sobriety to keep me up. Day 10.

-pippy