Pipster's Journal

[pipster22]

I am struggling. today is just not a good day.
its thunder storming out, which i usually like, however not today. i am stuck inside with my parents who are totally driving me insane. i left all my homework to do today, which was a horrible mistake. i just need to get out of my house ASAP. i am trying to find plans with someone for lunch or something later this afternoon, but it seems like every single person i know is busy today.

i feel like if i dont find something to do soon i am going to relapse, which would just suuuck.. i really dont want to fall back into the horrible cycle. especially over something this stupid. i just need to get away from my parents. i guess worst comes to worst i will just take the car and go somewhere by myself.. but i feel like i would just be even more depressed when i got home.

i want to relapse so badly right now. to bring myself up to that high and just totally enjoy it. i am trying to force myself to think about how i will feel afterwards - but it really isnt sinking in. i actually think i am going to go back and re-read some of my early postings here. those usually scare the sh***t out of me. hopefully that will bring me back to earth.

gahhh why are sundays always so hard??

-pippy

[23mole]

You can do it pipster. Just remember what it is you are working towards. Rooting for you pipster.

23mole

[Mindtech]

Yeah, Sundays suck! Let's start an official club. People are always busy (or wanna be left alone) and stores are closed (at least in my country), most of the libraries are closed and there's only crap on tv (so I stopped watching years ago) plus all the retards are going to rent retarded movies and I hate being on the cue with them, listening to them bitching about how retarded their life is.

:D

But, I've found that just MOVING MY BODY is often enough to get new thoughts. Getting up, putting on shoes, walking somewhere. You know, I'm sitting in front of the computer, so I get the same world view. I usually go to the same sites anyway. And the view from my window is the same as ever. I wanna get myself up and going, just taking a walk - and I'll be different when I get back. Experience tells me this. My mind tells me otherwise, it says "Ah naw, it'll all be the same, might as well stay in yer seat" (yes, my mind has a southern twang). But it won't, cuz when I walk something happens. Visions comes thru my eyes, into my brain, gets stuff going in there, makes me focus on something new. Someone said to me: "if you're in a rotten place, move your focus." Sometimes doing the dishes turns everything around for me.

Hey - Rowlf suggested to me to get K9 and use a prayer for password. Works for me so far. Passing it all on.

[Bird-boy]

I think mindtech has a couple of good ideas there in the second part of his post.

Instead of only reading your own posts, you might also want to read some posts by the SO's (Significant Others:female members of this website). I first went to that section of the forums some time last week, and it really helped. Maybe I will send you a link to a journal that made me feel like not giving in to my urges.

Don't forget about not letting depression in.
In LittleLocks journal there is a new post about embracing a "slowly but surely" was of learning and success; it also says to not expect fast change, but slowly but surely will work and be a great benefit. All of us need to become more patient.

[Little lock]

Pipster, I was reading back on your entries at day 18 and 22. I think we're going through the same thing at about this point in the journey. I wanted to die after yesterday, the urges were terrible. I think I can understand how you feel to a certain extent, but then maybe I'm grossly mistaken. After all, nobody is the same.

I'm happy for you, that you held on.

[pipster22]

Everyday that i continue being sober makes me very happy.

a couple nights ago i had a pretty weird experience. i went to a P website that during my height of addiction i was visiting every 8 hours or so. i looked at the website and i felt so many emotions. through all the emotions, however, none was interest. i didn't feel the spark i used to feel when i would look at that site. i scrolled to the bottom and then x'd out.

i feel like my relationship with porn has drastically changed even in the past few weeks. i no longer view it as a mood-alterating substance. i really don't view it as anything anymore. now that i have really cut back on the mb'ing (i had my second wet dream last night) my urges as well as sexual thoughts over all have basically stopped over-all. i am letting my body get back to whatever is normal for me.

things are going well, i am still clean and plan on keeping it that way for a long time to come. i feel like i am almost getting "too" comfterable with my sobriety. i try to keep myself in check by reading others' posts about how they can get to even 3 months sober, but then relapse.

i feel like this is a disease i am going to have for the rest of my life. its just up to me to decide how much i let it affect my life. i will always have the possibilty of relapse looming over my head, but i have to always keep fresh in my head where i am coming from. i have never been in such a low place in my life - and i don't want to ever go back there. i have to always remember that.

one relapse is never just once. i feel like i have gone over this before, so i am just going to let that be that.

i hope everyone is staying positive and keeping themselves on the right track. hopefully we can all get through this week glitch free!!

[Bird-boy]

Well, you've said it before to me: You remind me of me. :)

It's because of the way we write our posts and our similar feelings (not neccesarily our actions or day-to-day lives). But I wonder...if we look around ALL of the forums on this website there might be at least Tens of other people we connect with in what we have been going through, and our feelings, and how we type it down.

Seriously, no matter what: you're not alone. And that's not a cliche--it's a fact.

The feeling you spoke of in your last post, I had that feeling last week; it's like a BURNED oUt feeling, right? Anyway..since then I have relapsed again, last night. :( *

one relapse is never just once. i feel like i have gone over this before, so i am just going to let that be that.

i hope everyone is staying positive and keeping themselves on the right track.

It is still not impossible for us to get on a better track. Maybe there is a series of tracks that we can should climb to, and then we need to jump forward to each higher-up/better one as time goes on.

I am glad that you are having that feeling you have towards prngrfy right now, and don't let the story of what happened to me influence you. You are on an individual road and you can take different steps, and hopefully avoid a replape. Get on to train hopping, and getting on better and better tracks.

Methaphor: it works /:)

*(I was clean for at least 5 days, which I felt happy about.)
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Another thing I wanted to mention to you is about sxual activity.
I live in California, in San Francisco, where I am guessing more things are taught in high school health class than in other States (especially conservative States). (Now, that is all speculation on my part, and it might not even be true.)

I want to...not warn.. um what word should I say--..jjlgfyjjytjy
CONCERN, yeah, I want to make sure you bring to the front of your memory, and become concerned about diseases that can be spread around amongst people and get to you.

Now I'm not the kind of person who would say "use a condom" or "take precaution"--and I'm not going to say that here either--because I believe sxual contact should be completely avoided between any and all groupings of people; that it is fo..well I think I got the idea across completely already.
That said, I believe that no human should say to another human what they should/can or should not (cannot) do.

But we can advise each other. And I want to warn you that people having sxual contact in anyway can get a disease, and AIDS is out there, and it can spread through many people without them knowing. I only mention all of this because I'm concerned about your safety.
(You don't need to reply to any of this part, but keep it as important as the first part of this post (and as any other post that you would respond to).)
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You have a good week too! :) (and sorry for the long post in a journal that's not mine!)

[pipster22]

Thank you bird boy for the post, it really did truley make my day! it's cool to find a close connection on a forum like this.

i relapsed last night. i dont know why, but i had felt it coming for a while. oddly enough i am not depressed, and im not going to make myself just because i feel like i "should" be. i know that probably doesnt make any sense, but usually when i relapse i fall into huge spouts of depression. i am just going to keep myself together and move on.

i am going to try my hardest to keep this relapse a one day thing. in my head it kind of goes like this: the last time i relapsed was a two day thing, the time before that was a 3 day thing, and the time before that was a 4 day relapse. so this relapse should be kept at a 1 day thing.. and if the formula stays correct .. well i shouldnt even relapse again. i know that probably sounds crazy , but oh well.

the only thing i am really feeling at this point is stress.. which i should say very loosley. i am so stressed about college that i am really not even dealing with it. everything sort of came crashing down, but i am trying to stay positive about everything. i am really not in a 'bad' situation, just not the situation i was expecting. everything will turn out okay.

at this point my overall goal is to keep sober. day count/marks really dont phase me too much anymore. i don't feel overwhelmed that i am only on "day 1" - which in the past i definetly would have been. relapse is a part of recovery and you have to take the good with the bad! i feel fine, which i almost feel guilty about.

i almost want to say i am in a 'normal' situation right now. i mean, looking at porn once a month isn't exactly an addiction... its not even a habbit. however, knowing me and my past, i cannot afford to have the luxury in my life at all. and for that.. i will continue being sober.

[pipster22]

Still sober,
feeling good that i was able to keep it at a one time relapse. i have never been able to do that in the history of my addiction, so it really means a lot. hopefully i can keep that true through the upcoming days. i thought about it a lot today, but i knew i was not going to let myself cave in. i hope i can keep it up and be done with this for real.

[Daniel]

Congratulations Pipster! Seize that feeling of accomplishment, of being able to pull back when on the edge of a binge..

It is VERY HARD to do, I know from [too much] personal agony.

I submit that if you can master that piece of self-control, you are more prepared than you may realize to take on the additional challenges that will come, and go through them victorious.

Rock On,

Daniel