Pipster's Journal

[johndonato]

Guys for sure your " Friend" has issues as well. In todays society its more often a problem then before. With the internet making things so easily accessable you dont have to brave the drugstore and buy a P magazine with everyone watching like I did when I was a kid.
Most youth today will be pulled into to P on the internet not even intending to get hooked.

I expect if I was to tell my mom or sisters they would react the same way.. Because they would have to review their own involvements in my life to see why and how and if they played a part.

Its easier to deny the issue much harder to admit and work on it.
but the payoff is much greater if you choose the latter..

Peace.. JD.

[23mole]

Yep, we covered this in religion class. The culture of life is when you are happy because you are who you want to be (might have botched that a little). Anyway, if you feel happy and that a P free life is what you want, then that is the path to take. Regardless of what other people say, you need to always follow your conscience. That's the most important part, to follow your conscience in doing what you think is right. Hope you are doing well,

23mole

[pipster22]

I am still sober and plan on continuing to be. things are going great; i do not forsee any relapses in the near future. i feel like the only reason for a possible relapse would be that im becoming too confident with my sobriety. although i rarely ever even think about P these days, i am trying to remind myself why i am here, on this site. i need to remember and even sometimes re-live my depressing past. i feel like the only possible relapse would be if one night i am just too confident and decide i can handle it.

i truley believe i will never in my life be able to "handle" P again.

tomorrow is easter, which i am so happy about. i will not lie, i am bummed that it wont be my 56th day.. but instead, my 12th. part of my feels like it may as well be my 56th day, but i know deep down its not. i really shouldnt let a stupid number dictate how i feel, but for some reason it does play a pretty big role in how i feel. i guess i will just need to continue.

good luck to all

[pipster22]

EASTERRRR!
my original plan, after my relapse, was to be take two vicodin to ensure i enjoy this day. but now i am not sure, i am feeling so great naturally - i don't want to ruin it. i am probably going to take only one.

i had an interesting night last night, my first wet dream in god.. half a year. this wet dream actually made me feel so happy. i truley do feel like this is gods way of telling me i am no longer a PA. it was night 7 of no mb, which i have done many times before. in fact i have gotten to about day 15 with no mb and still havent gotten a wet dream. throughout the past week i didnt think about sex, nor p, one single time. i feel like i am in so much more control of this addiction. it may only be day 12 but i feel like it is still day 56.

i started crying when i woke up and realized what happened. i was so happy. i havent been able to have a wet dream in so long because obviously when you're masterbating so much your body has no use for them. it makes me feel so happy to know my body is FINALLY back in control.

i am throwing out my lotion today. i previously had no commitment to 'no mb'. i actually thought people who did that were crazy and making it so much harder for themselves. i now realize it really does play a huge part in the addiction. PA = mb. its hard to do one without the other. i didnt mb once last week and i literally had no sexual or provocing thoughts. it feels great.

i hope eveyrone has a great easter and can stay clean for this day

[Little lock]

Hiya pipster. Thanks for that comment on my journal. :)

Anyways, 11 days and going! Nice one..about the wet dream. Yea its kinda good to finally wet dream again, but given the choice I rather not have any of them at all. Just a personal opinion.

Another thing. You said that you have to relive your depressing past in order to remind yourself not to use P. Welp, I think that using guilt ain't the best way to go about doing things. Its up to you to accept what I'm going to say or not. Either way its ok :D Refer to my signature.

The reason why we can progress so fast from one material to more hardcore ones is that in our brain, extreme guilt and moral horror is associated with viewing them. Unfortunately, our primal midbrain has the following association in it: The greater the risk, the more we should go for it. Why not? Excitement releases adrenaline, another feel good chemical. For those of you who have indulged in 5 mins binges in a risky situation, you know what I'm talking about.

Thus, excessive guilt might be detrimental to our recovery. I don't know, its just an opinion.

LL

[Bird-boy]

Hi Pipster. Both you and Littlelock have some good insight about wd's. I, like Littlelock, would rather never have them, but I guess they do mean the body is sorta getting back to normal. But then it also means that thought life needs to CHANGE. Plus with me, those rare wd's usually lead me to a "relapse" by the second day after. But other times, they serve as reminders of what I don't want to do consciously ever again (but I don't want my subconscious to think about it, either). EEeeh, it's confusing, but is an interesting thing to analyze.

Be careful about that Vicodin. As it turns out, when I had my wisdom teeth removed 2 years ago, I was also given vicodin for the pain; but I only took 1, a few hours after the surgery. I don't suggest using it to make you happy-I heard it is dangerously addictive...(~~) :(

Congradulations on your continued working to make things better! :D

[pipster22]

Thank the both of you for the advice!
Bird-boy, its been a while!!

So today was strange.
I was doing it with this guy (first time i've ever really done anything sexual in RL) and.... i couldn't cum. it was fairly embarassing, and even more confusing. the only thing i could think about was all those days where i would mb after school to p. did this mess me up? the guy was literally my fantasy - so its pretty weird i couldnt finish up. now, things were extremley rushed and i wasnt exactly ready to be doing what we were (oral) but i feel like no matter what the circumstances, its odd. has P/mb really messed me up that much?

also, i have not mb'd for 13 days. i have been so non-sexual since i have stopped, i think this may also play a role in what happened.

its not a big deal i am just starting to think how this has seriosuly affected me. other than that, things have been going great. i am feeling fine and really no interest in P or even mb. i hope i can keep my sexuality without having to mb constantly.

[pipster22]

I am still sober but i am on the line. I want to relapse badly; not because i am horny in anyway, but because i need something to get my mind off life.
the boy i was talking about in the previous post basically just isnt going to work out. we had a fling going for about 2 weeks, and luckily i wasn't too emotionally attatched - however i was still attatched a little, mainly because ive never gone that far with anyone. so now he has decided a BF is not something he is looking for, but he would really like to keep hooking up. now, i would not have a problem with this (because i liked it so much) but i feel like 1. i am just going to get more emotionally attatched and 2. hooking up with people with no emotion = PORN (?)
i mean really...
porn = no emotion
hooking up = no emotion

plus, i already want to relapse with P and mb but i know that will just make everything so much worse. especially because then i will feel like he just won even more. i am trying to smoke when i can, which actually really does help ease the pain.

Anyway - besides that things are going great. end of senior year work is always a struggle to complete but i am trying my best to keep up. trying to keep myself busy to now not think about him. the weather is finally 'spring-like' and i love it. i don't have many plans today so i am going to try to a good portion of my homework.

I just don't want to relapse. i have been doing so great, not even thinking about P/mb. it would really kill me to relapse over something so dumb like a boy. it doesnt even seem like a big deal anymore, one quick mb/p session. but i know that wont be all. one turns into two, two turns into 5 and before you know it you're doing it two times a day. i know smoking isnt the best alternative, but right now i am not going to worry about that. i haven't gotten addicted to them so far and i dont plan on getting addicted anytime soon.

hopefully i can keep my head in the game and not let this stupid drama make me relapse - thats really the worst thing i could do right now.

[Bird-boy]

Hi, Pipster.
I just want to say Hang in there.
You can make it.

Don't forget that all of us here care for you.
:)

[pipster22]

I am still sober. I don't have any thoughts about relapse.

I am getting upset, however.
I hooked up with this guy again, and yet again.. nothing.
P/MB has really messed me up. its so weird because when i am home and mb'ing i can get myself to climax really easily. its almost as if my body has become so accustum to mb'ing it cant get off to a real person. i don't know what to do but its getting to be fairly.. awkward. the fact that at the time i am unable to climax, but when i come home that day (and for days later) mb to the exact scene i am able to climax after a short period of time.
i dont know what else to say about the topic besides: p/mb addiction really DOES mess your body up as well as how you perceive REAL people. I don't know what to do. its sad to me to actually see what p has done to me. all those things you look at through the screen dont mean much in reality i guess.

Everything else is going well, though. homework is okay. i am stressed about making a decision about college. i have it narrowed down to two but at this point i just have no idea what im going to do. im trying not to let it get to me.

i finally, after such a long battle, feel like i am no longer a "Porn Addict". in a sense, of course, ill always be a PA. in times of intense stress and pressure i have to make sure i dont relapse to use P as a comfort tool. but as of now, i have it under control. so many other things are going on in my life i really just have no time to even think about it - and it feels great. the thought of relapse, however, will loom over me for the rest of my life. i will need to always be careful of that.

although i am pretty upset right now (because of the no climax thing) i will feel better after i eat something. i just feel so sad to see where i have landed myself.