Pipster's Journal

[pipster22]

why am i doing this?!?!?
i am making this recovery so f8****ing difficult. i woke up this morning extremlely horny. i got onto the admin account and flirted around and only stopped because my mom got home, thank god. i was about to relapse (literally getting ready to do it) when the garage opened. i was lucky.

i dont know what the hell is going on with me but i am taking away all internet access until my horniness has gone down. i have no idea how long that will take but i just cannot risk this anymore.

relapse is so close. :(

[pipster22]

I relapsed.
apparently i didn't get the computer off soon enough.

Grrr, and to think this all stemmed from youtube makes me sick.
well either way, i am going to still keep my laptop off for the next few days.

at this point i just want to keep this relapse to a one time thing. in the past, i have never been able to only relapse once. it has always been a 2, 3, sometimes 4 time thing.

i will feel good if i can limit it to just today; hopefully keeping my laptop shut off will help.

although i feel horrible that i relapsed, i am trying not let it get to me. i don't want to spiral into a depression just because thats what i think should happen. normal people can look at p casually with no side affects, hopefully i can try to be normal for today.

[pipster22]

This is suuuch an issue.
So i got my wisdom teeth out, wasn't too bad. but now i am basically stuck in my house for the next 2 days at least.

i relapsed again when i got home.
i tried to load a computer game onto my laptop that i used to enjoy a lot, it didnt work and i got really frusterated trying.

i was already on the admin account so enough said.

i relapsed for about 2.5 hours. yikes.
i have no idea what im going to do considering i have already tried just shutting my laptop down, and this is where it got me.

this week is going to be hell. i can't eat so im always hungry and not to mention in pain. ive taken a ton of strong pain killers yet the pain is still strong.. it makes me nervous for how its going to feel after they run off.

basically i have no idea what im going to do.

im trying to keep in mind that just because i relapsed doesn't un-do the last 42 days of progress, but its hard. the best thing i can do now is stop this relapse in its tracks and continue on with my recovery.

i have learned and grown so much in the past 42 days i refuse to let all my progress slip out of my hands.

i have hid my laptop charger downstairs in a box with my old kid games. not only will this make it very difficult for me to get it back with my parents home, but also it will create numerous steps between me and viewing P. i hope i don't have to start using my other cell phone, the one without internet access. so far it hasn't come to that so i am keeping my fingers crossed. i have 2 hours and 15 minutes left of this charge and then my laptop will be off until i feel i am able to handle it.

i can't believe this is happening!

[Bird-boy]

I hope you are successful in the things you're planning.
I hope you don't feel sad for long.

A piece of advice: rediscover some non-electronic hobbies to do--that you are able to do--during this time of healing (from the wisdom teeth surgery).

Our generation is "plugged in" during most of our leisure time, so maybe we can help ourselves in a couple of ways by doing electronic things less.

Good luck for the next few days! :)

[pipster22]

I decided to re-charge my laptop today and start using it again.
i am not 100% sure that i am completely ready to start using it again but schoolwork along with other random work needs to be done.

my wisdom teeth sugery went fine. the pain has really started to die down and the only symptom left really is the swelling, which does suck. during the recovery my doctor gave me a bunch of vicodin to take for the pain. i am still taking it, even though the physical pain is gone. it makes me feel so happy no matter what is going on in my life. i was able to sit home all day doing nothing but still be as happy as ever because of it. i know its incredibly addicting and because of that i am going to stop taking it. however i am going to keep it for a gloomy day.

besides the discovery of vicodin, the recovery period of my wisdom teeth was lame to say the least. i relapsed twice which was pretty upsetting, but i did not let it get to me.

part of me kept saying "how could this happen, you just lost the last 42 days of your life." but i realized that isnt true. the last 42 days of sobriety have not been erased or destroyed just because i relapsed. i grew so much during that period of sobriety and thats something that can't just be lost.

the relapse has brought me down, though. i have been having many urges to do it again - which is why i tried to stay away from my laptop as long as i could. i am still fearful of another relapse, but with easter next sunday, (one of the main reasons i wanted to be sober in the first place) that will hopefully give me the strength to stay away.

i want this relapse to be different from the many others i have had. i don't want it to be long and drawn out. i don't want to go 7 days relapse, go 4 days relapse, 3 days relapse, and get stuck in that horrible cycle bceause before you know it 3 months have gone by. to me, thats the worst cycle one could be in.

im at a strong 4 days right now, i just need to find the strength to continue. i am still going to try to use my laptop as little as possible.

[cyberpunk]

Good luck Pipster. Remember, those 42 days are a success and noone can take them away from you, you know you can do it and longer. I don't know if you have talked with your parents, and I know that it is difficult, but they would probably be the greatest help you could have in preventing relapses. Also, if I were you, I'd throw out the Vicodin. Just like P you first start using with innocent intentions but it can take a life of its own very quickly. Keep on fighting the good fight.

[pipster22]

Thanks punk,
i know i should talk to my parents. but i honlestly just don't know how i ever could. it would be the worst experience of my life, even though i am sure in the end it would bring us closer. i am losing intrest in the vicodin so i don't forsee that being a problem, but i am still going to keep a few extra for whenever i may need them.

i almost relapsed last night but instead i just mb'd. its hard keeping myself from relapsing because of the stage of the recovery i am in right now. knowing i only have 5 days to back me up isn't exactly strong support to keep me from the P.

i am still looking at the 42 days i made before the previous relapse positively. those are days i grew during and just because i relapsed twice doesn't mean i lost it (sorry i keep repeating myself - i guess im just trying to convince myself what im saying is true, which it should be.. right?) anyways, i sure hope its true.

i havent really been experiencing too much depression, which is great. today is the last day of my spring break so tomorrow i start a full week of school. my last quarter of senior year. wow! i can't even believe it. im sad, excited, depressed, angry, and a whole bunch of other emotions alll at the same time! all i can do now is keep being sober and hope for the best.

next week is easter, which i am so excited about. even though its not going to be my 56th day, which originally it would have been.. it will still be my 12th day. i am not going to let my previous relapse ruin it for me (i have 2 vicodin stashed away in case it does). i want to enjoy it to the fullest, which i intend to do!

i realized that when i post on other's blogs i usually end with saying something like "keep your head up high" and i now understand thats exactly what i have to do.

i am going to keep my head up high and focus on all the positive things in my life. i am going to stay away from P and not let myself slide into yet another vicious cycle. i will truley be proud of myself if i am able to make it out of this relapse with only one "cycle"!

i guess only time will tell! :)

[pipster22]

Things are going fine.

In the past 7 days i have mb'd only once, and really have had minimal thoughts about P in general. i have been pretty busy which has been great to keep my mind away from dirty thoughts. the weather is finally starting to change for the better (hopefully once in for all).

senior slide is definetly hitting me, so homework is on the backburner. i really dont want to get into personal aspects of my social life, mainly because i dont feel its necesary, but things have certainly been getting better. my friends have definetly been pulling through and i am feeling great.

at this point, even though porn is truley so far away from my mind, i know that i can't let my gaurd down. letting your gaurd down is the first step into a relapse, which i don't plan on doing again. i am ready to end this school year on a positive and sober note.

its so frusterating for me because no matter how much i love my friends, most of them just can't understand what im going through. i 'came out' of the PA closet to a friend tonight, a guy at that, and he seriously thought i was crazy. "porn is not a problem, every guy does it.. stop worrying" i tried to explain how it has affected my life but he wouldnt take it. when i asked him, he said he mb's daily and frequently uses P .. i found that interesting.

-pippy

[Little lock]

Hi pipy! I'm LL. I haven't read your journal in full yet(its kinda long, haha)but from your recent posts I think I can get a picture as of what is going on.

First thing, society is screwed up. When the mob starts talking philosophy, you know its time to run away. What I mean is, Don't accept what society has to say about P. Or MB. I'm know there are alot of experts there who say that MB is healthy. And even more people(millions actually)who say that, hey P is ok!

I leave you to decide. All I want to say is to not accept the insidous messages our society has bombarded us with. And of course, congrats on the 7 days! Some research has shown that after two weeks things start getting easier. I can't testify to that as its been a long long time since I made two weeks. Still, you did make 42 days, didn't you? You can and will beat this. I won't give advice, since at the moment my position is kinda pathetic to merit giving advice.

Keep up the work:)

[Daniel]

...most of them just can't understand what im going through. i 'came out' of the PA closet to a friend tonight, a guy at that, and he seriously thought i was crazy. "porn is not a problem, every guy does it.. stop worrying" i tried to explain how it has affected my life but he wouldnt take it. when i asked him, he said he mb's daily and frequently uses P .. i found that interesting.

Pipster,

This is the pat response from someone who is in basic denial that there is an issue. It usually will take something to break loose for them to "wake up" to the fact that there's a problem. Some folks come to this point sooner than others. And then others take longer to react and DO SOMETHING about the problem longer than others (I was in the latter camp BTW).

As LL says, most people will deny there's a problem, "it's no big deal, loosen up!" They say this because they are using too and they cannot get any perspective because their mind is in a P-induced fog, getting high everyday whenever they feel like.

And please note I do not mean this as a bash against "them". I WAS 'THEM'!, for more years than I care to remember..

This is just my take on the Massive Rationalization and Self-Delusion that is now taking place on a gigantic cultural stage that seems to span all nations and every form of media.

At least one close friend of mine, friends for decades, reacted the same way as yours.

Daniel