Dave42's Very Gay Journal of Recovery

[dave42]

Happy New Year, everyone! Here is my story: I stopped looking at porn last March, but then in November, I fell off the wagon. Until yesterday.

Now I’m back. I’m hoping that this journal helps me stay away from porn.

Let’s see, what else: (I’m writing this quickly, since my first version got lost in cyberspace.) I’m 43, I live in San Francisco, I’m gay, and I’m 100% okay with being gay (so if you see homosexuality as a sin, that’s fine, but, please, don’t share those thoughts with me; we’ve all got enough on our plate dealing with addiction without entering into endless debates on homosexuality), I am one of those guys who believes that masturbation is okay (again, if you disagree, please overlook this! It worked for me for about 7 months and I don’t find it useful to debate this issue; I support you in whatever strategies are working for you. ) as a release valve.

Other stuff: who knows why I fell off the wagon? Well, actually, I do have some insights here: I was playing with fire – looking at Wikipedia and clicking here, then there, then here, then there, and, before you knew it, I was back looking at pictures like a starving person with a banquet in front of me. Yikes…sigh…I’m human; I forgive myself. I’m back.

I’m a Christian, but I almost never discuss religion here because for many people it is not a useful approach, and my thoughts related to Christianity are usually not very interesting even to other Christians, I’ve found! LOL.

Oh, and I’m in a monogamous relationship with a great guy. We’ve been together for over 3 years now. We live together. He is one of those people who makes life sweet simply by walking through the door.

Hope 2009 is full of great things for you and your family! Hang tough, everyone. This addiction is a tough and sneaky thing, as I’ve learned!

[Daniel]

Welcome to Your Journal Dave42!

And Happy New Year too!

If I remember right you never had your own official journal.?

I'm glad you're back, I still remember your "Don't Mess With Texas" congratulatory note from awhile back, -a very belated "Thank You".

You went missing in action and I'm sorry for the mental trauma but very glad you recovered and came back to TTF.

Don't Let Off!, Peace and Success in 2009,

Daniel

[lonesome_soul]

Hi Dave,

Just wanted to say hi and commend you on finding the strength to climb back on that wagon. You know, I fell off the wagon too this past November. I really think for me it was the holidays. Being with family brought up a lot of old feelings and triggers, and I think it was just too easy for me to give myself permission to fall back on old habits. Especially since I am still in the very early stages of recovery. I only admitted to myself (and to the people in my SAA group) that I was a PA back in October.

Well, life is a journey. There are peaks and valleys, and sometimes we let ourselves get bogged down in those valleys. But as long as we keep looking forward and remain positive we can keep moving and not let PA drag us down and keep us down.

Best wishes to you, and happy new year!

Peace,
LS

[Rowlf]

Hey Dave,

I know that Wikipedia route only too well. Been there. And welcome back here! I know for me this 3 steps forward, 2 back type of progress seems to be the way I make progress. So I'm in complete sympathy with anyone who occasionally uses the same strategy.

Here's to a clean day today :-)

[dave42]

Hey, Daniel, Lonesome Soul and Rowlf:

Thanks for you words of encouragement! You are right, Daniel, that I never had a journal before. I hope that this practice of keeping a journal will help me. Lonesome Soul, sorry about your troubles, but thanks for your insight about your family and how that might have had a role in, as you say, "old feelings and triggers." Rowlf, thanks for your empathy on Wikipedia. How very crazy this addiction is, huh? We say to ourselves, "Oh, it's just text and I'm just interested in knowing this little fact about such and such" and before you know it your looking a pictures and hooked again.

Going to play a little piano and then I'm going out for a jog! Hope everyone reading this is finding some way to achieve some sort of balance in your day! Good luck, everyone!

[lonesome_soul]

....We say to ourselves, "Oh, it's just text and I'm just interested in knowing this little fact about such and such" and before you know it your looking a pictures and hooked again.

You know, I am glad you said this, Dave. This is something I was thinking about the other day, and I wasn't sure how to bring it up as a topic for discussion, but is something I would be interested to hear people's opinions on. Is reading stories or text as much of a trigger (or maybe more of a trigger) as looking at pictures or videos for people?

Sometimes for me I would say it definitely is. Certain topics really get me going. And of course, it easy for reading about certain topics that might be considered 'stimulating' can quickly lead one back to looking at images. Sometimes I would even write about my thoughts and fantasies myself, either as a short story or just a journal-entry type of thing. Again, this is an area where my creative mind and my PA get blended into a fog. Where does one end and another begin? Reading and writing are supposed to be good things, right? But not when they lead you back to the same place where you have been suffering for so long. That's what PA does to you.

Going to play a little piano and then I'm going out for a jog! Hope everyone reading this is finding some way to achieve some sort of balance in your day! Good luck, everyone!

A fellow pianist, cool. :) Thank you, and good luck to you as well.

[Daniel]

Lonesome - Dave42,

My opinion, which is a reflection from something Farmer said, is "if it's used for stimulation, then it's P".

I don't think the medium matters: TV, DVD, web, billboards, magazines, VHS, telephones, text, books, sketches, graffitti, THOUGHTS(!).

It's really the intent of the 'heart'. What are you trying to do? What am I trying to do?

Sometimes things start innocently and we know where they are going because we have an off-the-rails intent.

Sometimes things start innocently, we veer, recognize we're veering and make a correction, then continue on and things end innocently and we do not feel like our efforts have failed.

Reading stuff is not a trigger for me. But I don't read anything that I think will trigger me. If there's even a whiff that I could be triggered by a book or mag, then I don't read it, look at it. "If you don't want to slip and fall then don't walk in slippery places.." I try to put that one into practice...

For what it's worth...

Daniel

[dave42]

Well, yep, text has a hold on me as much (sometimes more than) pictures, I'm afraid. Sigh...In other news: Yep, I'm a pianist, although you might not think it's so cool if you heard how I play! Just went for a walk/jog (mainly a walk). The sun was going down through the foggy San Francisco sky, and these birds were honking. Was thinking today, "What is better than porn?" I couldn't think of anything, sadly. I'm really hooked (obviously!). But, hey, those birds were pretty nice! Okay, that's it. I'm getting cleaned up and getting dinner ready. Hope everyone reading this is holding on to whatever it is that you hold on too when you are not feeling strong!

[dave42]

Hi Everyone:

I have a couple of big projects I should be working on. Instead, I'm puttering around cyberspace. Not feeling vulnerable, though. I guess I'll go for a jog. Might as well get some fresh air if I'm not going to actually work!

Is there anyone else out there who is trying to lose weight? I'm 43, and I ought to lose about 20-30 pounds. It's rough with this addiction as a kind of excuse ("Well, I might have just eaten half a box of cookies, but at least I didn't look at porn.")

Hope you are all doing great,

Dave

[dave42]

Lonesome Soul:

How are you doing? Thanks for your comments about text and piano and so on. I really DID reply, but I can't seem to "see" my reply. Maybe it got lost in cyberspace somehow.

Anyway, yes, text is just as problematic for me as pictures -- the two seem to go together. About your creative projects: I guess I'd ask myself what is going on there. Is writing a short story or journal entry a sneaky backdoor way to get at porn? I suspect it would be for me. I'm pretty sure that for me that that would be playing with fire. But I don't know if you feel the same. About piano: boy, I'm out of practice!