Dave42's Very Gay Journal of Recovery

[Rowlf]

:D "You'll pass... eventually" wasn't such a great thing to hear on the day when you'd failed! :D BUT, and as you see it's a big but(!), this is one of the things that has stayed with me for 10 years, when most of those grading exams are forgotten....

There was a second degree black belt who was named an example for this as he'd failed one grade 5 times. But, he'd kept going, was a superb teacher now, as he knew many ways of failing, so knew many ways of teaching to get around those issues.....

Addiction, like aikido, is a lifelong thing - making a change at a fundemental level. So, I don't think that in 40 years it's important how many months it took to find your way of making the change you want to become the man you want to be!

Have a great day!

[gnein]

Gnein:

thanks for the part about just one grain passing through the hourglass. I like that, and I think I understand how understanding this would help lead to success. Thanks! I'm not sure I understand it, but I think you are saying that I should think about this moment that I'm in.

That's pretty much what I was getting at. I borrowed the quote from Dale Carnegie's How to Stop Worrying and Start Living (a great book BTW, even though it doesn't specifically deal with addiction). One of his suggestions to quit worrying is to "Live in Day tight compartments". In other words, the only day you can deal with right now is today. Sure, you can plan for tomorrow, but you can't actually live tomorrow until it gets here.

It's a principle I apply to PA. I can plan for how I'll deal with staying clean tomorrow, but right now today is the only day I can stay clean. When tomorrow gets here, it will be the only day I can stay clean, and the same applies to the day after, or to next Tuesday, or any other day. Days are literally like the grains of sand in the hourglass, only one can pass at a time. If we try to pass two grains of sand at the one time, we break the mechanism. If we try to live out too many days at one time, we do something similar to our lives, by becoming stressed out or overworked. That's also remarkably useful if you're ever trying to recover from a relapse.

[dave42]

Thanks, Rowlf and Gnein! I guess I'd like to aspire to being like the 2 degree black belt who failed a test 5 times. I do feel like I'm the world's expert on failure and relapse, but your story encourages me to make the most of these experiences. Thanks!

Gnein: I've never read it, but I've heard about it. One of these days I'd like to read it when I have a bit more spare time. Anyway, here's to one grain, and only one grain passing through at a time. I love this point you make: two grains can break the mechanism.

I'll deal with tomorrow's issues tomorrow.

Big news: I had a long, heart-to-heart with my partner. Told him about this site. Asked him to change the password on the K9 p filter. He had known about my p addication before, but he'd always said, "No problem: as long as you don't spend money." I told him that that message, while meant to be supportive, was not the message I needed to hear. I told him that I waste time and I eventually do spend money once the free stuff no longer satisfies me. He listened carefully and told me that he'd do whatever he could to support me.

I'm pretty lucky to have such a great partner.

[dave42]

Hey, 12 days of being clean. Feels great. Okay, off to bed! G'night!

[pipster22]

dave you are soo lucky to have such a supportive partner. although i do not have any partner at all, i can imagine how frusterating it would be to have a partner who did not believe porn is a problem and just brushes it off. you are quite lucky! also, huge congrats on getting to day 12. almost at the two week mark, which is always a huge achievment!! for me, once i pass the two week mark things always get so much easier. they say it takes three weeks (21 days) to reverse a habbit. although i wouldnt consider porn addiciton a "habbit" i believe most addictions are made up of habbits. ie; if you usually relapse at night, once you have been through three weeks of sober nights you will no longer be expecting to mb every night. only one more week until your habbits should be reversed! keep up the good work and look forward to the future

-pipppp

[dave42]

Pipster, can't believe you are just going to college: your supportive message is what I'd expect from someone older! So thanks and congratulations. I like the idea of 21 days to reverse a habit. Yes, I'm getting there! Thanks again!

yes, you are right, I'm lucky to have a supportive partner. It took some courage from me to tell him that his way of being supportive -- "don't worry, Dave, p is not a problem with me" -- was NOT supportive. He is a really mature guy, and so he listened to that and realized that he needed to re-think his stance. Thanks, Pipster: you have a lot to offer your future partner, not to mention friends at college in a few days. They'll be lucky to have a friend who is struggling and succeeding with a tough issue.

[Vorlan]

Hey Dave,

Just wanted to say how well you're doing mate! Is it 14 days now? :) Really great stuff mate.

I totally agree with what's been said about taking things one day at a time and learning from failiure.

I find that people who've never failed at anything and have always had it easy don't have any resolve when things get tough. You have to fall down so that you can learn to get back up again I guess! It definately can make you more compassionate and tolerant too as you can understand other people's problems better.

As for the one day at a time thing I always like to think of life as a journey down a loing road. When you slip up you go off the road for a while but if you pick yourself up again and get back on the path you don't loose all the time you've travelled. I mean for example if you go without for a week then slip up but keep going for another week then out of those two weeks 99% of the time was P-free! After all I'd say what defines a man isn't how many times he falls but how many times he picks himself up afterwards.

Keep up the great work,

Best wishes,

Ben

[dave42]

Thanks, Ben! I have fallen and picked myself up a million times on this road, so I love the way you put it: about what defines a man. Thanks! Also, your specific example of 2 slip ups over the course of a couple of weeks -- it's really helpful to frame it that way. Thanks! Yes, it's been, hold on now...yes, you're right 12 days I think. Yippee!

[dave42]

My news: I am still clean after a couple of weeks. Yay! I am heading off to bed. Good night!

[dave42]

Went away for a few days. I'm back. So far, so good. Sad because I, as usual, want to misbehave and I can't. That's okay, though: I'm a full grown adult, and I know you can't always do what you want to do. Good luck to everyone.