Dave42's Very Gay Journal of Recovery

[pipster22]

it certainly has been a while, i have missed you!
i am sorry to hear about the long relapse.
i hope things will pick up soon! try to stay positive and things will start looking up. its always so hard to get out of the cycle.
i will pray for you!

[rugbysteve]

hey dave,
It's been a while. I, myself, haven't been that great about sticking around here. I feel like you are a good friend so I have to say that I'm glad you are back, no matter the circumstances.

I think the other guys gave a lot of good advice to follow on getting back on the wagon, so I'll save mine for later.

However I did notice is what you mentioned about feeling completely undisciplined and also how exhausted you are. I think the two might be linked. When you're exhausted its hard for your mind to concentrate on anything so its hard to get anything done. It's also hard to stay on task as well, and you feel like you're a little bit ADHD. In fact, I heard on NPR once that a lot (I don't remember the exact number, but it was significant) of children diagnosed with ADD actually have a sleeping disorder.

So my question to you: Are you getting enough sleep? Lack of sleep leads to a lack of concentration and attention span, an in turn leads to feeling undisciplined, way behind in work, and stressed out. These are all things that I'm feeling right now. So, are you sleeping enough? I'm getting tested (eventually... stupid HMO takes forever) for sleep apnea. If you're known to be a snorer maybe it would make sense for you to get tested as well?

Anyway, I don't want to sound like a sleep apnea commercial or get too preachy. Just thought it was worth the suggestion. Hang in there, dave. I'm pulling for you.
-steve

p.s. ever heard of the SF Fog RFC?

[dave42]

Thanks Pipster! Thanks, RugbySteve. I think I'm too sleepy to respond tonight, but it is great, really wonderful, to get your support. Thank you very much. Nope: haven't heard of the SF Fog RFC. What is that?

All the best,

Dave

[rugbysteve]

The Fog are one of San Francisco's many rugby clubs. Just curious if they were well known in the region outside of rugby circles.

[dave42]

I haven't heard of them, but I'm not much into sports. So, here I am again, thinking, "Foolish Mind" is right: I need a plan, and even before that, I need to know why I want to give up p. The truth is, of course, I don't! I don't want to give it up at all. I like it. Sigh...but, and I guess this is a good analogy, like a friend of mine who had to give up alcohol because he was addicted, I guess I have to give it up because I can't seem to control my appetite for it. I guess that's a pretty weak way of saying I'm addicted and because I'm addicted I need to give it up all together. Sigh...

So, I've been thinking about Foolish Mind's thoughts: why do I want to stop. Hmmm...I guess the most honest answer, besides the one I already gave, is that the alternative is so unappealing: I can picture a messed up and eventually broken relationship and a lot of money down the drain if I keep going.

I don't know if that is enough. Deep deep down inside myself, I don't know exactly why I'm into p. Why I need to misbehave. Why I need to mess up. It's probably a bunch of things. Low self-esteem? Probably. I keep coming back to a sense of a lack of discipline: I look at this stuff because I WANT to, because I am a big, greedy, self-centered person who can get away with it. I look at this stuff because it's fun. It makes me feel good. I don't know what to do with all of these ideas. Sometimes I feel that I'm spoiled. The youngest in my family. I never thought I was spoiled, but maybe I am. Also, I love escaping from reality. This week I've had these fantasies going during my long commute. I fantasize about a million things: being rich, being a hero. I actually speak these fantasies aloud in the car. I just want to escape reality so much. so much. Right now, I have a lot to do today and tomorrow. I don't want to do it. I really have so much on my plate.

[dave42]

So much to do. I work almost full time in a place that is understaffed. I am taking classes in a graduate program. This time of the semester is awful: 2 big papers due, and I'm no where near where I should be on either of them. Really: I have hardly begun one of them and I haven't begun the other. I'm totally stressed out. I really hate this feeling of never, never being able to relax. I do, though. I do relax. I just don't do it right. I procrastinate and make myself miserable. I ought to get some work done and then say, "Okay, after a few hours, you can relax for an hour." Or "If you work hard until 5:00, then you can do whatever you want." Okay, I'm already feeling better. I think that one month from now all of this sh*t will be behind me. I've got to focus on that, coupled with actually working on these papers, coupled with RugbySteve's idea of all components of my life: eating problems, exercise, p addiction and so on "flying together." I need to remember RSteve's idea that just as all of these problems can work together to bring me down they can also work together to fly. Meanwhile, I hope everyone is doing well. I hope my ramblings aren't depressing anyonoe. I find it useful to ramble here. I just need to focus on getting one of these d*mned papers done, or at least get it a quarter or a third of the way done, and then I'll feel a lot better about life, I think.

[dave42]

Hello, Everyone:

I fell off the wagon sometime in February, but yesterday I think I hit rock bottom. I'm back. Hope you are all doing well. More later.

All the best,

Dave

[dave42]

Hi, Everyone:

I am back, once again. I guess everytime you fall off the wagon is an opportunity to climb back on. I'd been on the wagon for about 2 weeks, and this morning I fell off, but I'm trying to do damage control. Need to come here everyday and check in. Good luck, everyone!

Dave42 (now 44!)

[HalfPint]

Hey dave, NEVER forget. One time in 2 weeks is a lot better than one time every day. Your still getting better, your still getting stronger, just don't let it get to you, but at the same time, don't let it catch you off guard. Use it to strengthen yourself, and to teach yourself what not to do next time ;)

[dave42]

Thanks Half Pint, I really appreciate this reminder!