Dave42's Very Gay Journal of Recovery

[dave42]

Hi everyone. My news: came awfully close to looking at p a few hours ago. Stupid mistakes: mistakes that are too basic and boring to mention for an old p-addicted recovery expert to mention (that is supposed to be funny). I was, again playing with fire, looking at soft porn. why why why why why? boredom, sense of despair, sense of "I need a fix". Anyway, the crisis is over. I was at least smart enough to get out of the house, go to the gym, work out.

[Rowlf]

Hey Dave,

Good catch there! You got out, went to the gym!! So you moved away from the computer, changed your physical posture in order to change your mind - nice going!!!

If you are feeling that you want to do more, then perhaps just use this winning strategy earlier in the cycle - e.g. before you click on the second link having realised that you've started looking at soft P.

Hope today is going well

[dave42]

Thanks, Rowlf! Great advice. Unfortunately, I didn't take it and had a 10 minute relapse. Sigh.... Well, okay, at least it was only 10 minutes. I wish that I would do what I know I need to do.

One insight: I had overeaten and was feeling incredibly fat and unappealing. And it was that thing I described a while back of feeling that I could either be addicted to food or to p, and an addiction to p was a better choice. Plus a sense that my sex life with my partner is not going great, plus a sense that school and work are piling up in anxiety-producing ways. And all of this on a 4 day weekend!

Okay, so I give myself credit that I didn't slide back into p. I have told folks here that if they fall off the wagon, whether with p, or dieting, or whatever, dust yourself off and climb back on the wagon. I hate this advice. What I REALLY want to do is role around in the mud and wallow in whatever it is I have been riding in the wagon above more or less safely. Sigh...having said that, I did follow my own advice. I dusted myself off and got back on the f'ing wagon.

Good luck everyone. What, if anything, is wrong with the wagon and the mud image? When I'm on the wagon, I can fall off of it, fall down, fall from it, can get knocked down off it by a person, a tree limb, even pushed off by a person. I can jump off it. The mud sure looks good from up here. Thoughts?

[rugbysteve]

Way to go coming right back, Dave. It can be tempting to want to stay and wallow for a while, but you did a great thing by getting back on the f'ing wagon. I think one of the things, is if we think of the wagon as "life", when we fall of the wagon it can leave without us and we have to wait for a new one to come along and jump onto. While we're sitting and wallowing in the mud, life is going on without us. Unfortunately, we never know how long the wagon is going to wait.

Wonder if that makes any sense
-steve

[pipster22]

Dave,
its so great that you try to keep such a positive attitude; it really makes things easier. i think you're right. although a relapse is still a relapse i think the amount of time your relapse for does play a role. if you can control how long you view p/mb i think it says a lot about how comitted you are. if you can end the session earlier rather than later(instead of viewing P for hours on end) i think that shows a lot of comitment that you can have that much control even when you are up that high.

you will be able to get right back on the horse and get clean again :)

Good luck,
pipsterr

[Daniel]

Dave42!

It's been ages, tell us how you are..! You are missed.

Daniel

[dave42]

I fell off the wagon around the midddle or end of February. Hit bottom tonight. Been looking at it for hours. Spent 200 dollars in an online chat room. I promised my partner I'd never spend money again on p. Sigh.......... I am a mess. 30 pounds overweight, weeks behind at work and school. Gorging myself on pizza and margaritas. 43 years old and superficially looking well-adjusted, but there is a basic lack of discipline in my life. Sh*t! Sorry, guys. I just don't feel very good about myself right now. I sincerely doubt that I'll ever be free of this addiction.

[Rowlf]

Hey Dave,

Sorry to hear that - glad that you've come back!

Just wanted to post a thought on the
"I sincerely doubt that I'll ever be free of this addiction"
part of your post. Basically at this time (just coming off a binge) that is a normal way to think. Indeed you probably couldn't think anything else. I've been reading a great book - 'Stumbling on happiness' which is about we view happiness and how bad we are in predicting - e.g. go food shopping just after eating too much - you will underbuy as you just cannot, at that moment, imagine eating another thing or ever being hungry again! - Same thing here I think!

You'll make it, one step at a time, if you want to keep trying - I'm sure of that. I think the pattern is 3 steps forward and 2 back most of the time in life!

Have a clean day today!

[FoolishMind]

Hi Dave42,

Ive just read been reading your journal and can see your really hurting inside right now, but dont give up on "giving up". Through your many posts in your journal, you have reflected on the differing types of relapse youve had, be it dive straight it or slowly edge in sub consciously. From an outside perspective, I can see youve got the right attitude and are clear that you want to be P free. However, IMHO I beleive that the main flaw here is a lack of strategy and focus.

When you relapse once, its all too easy to let it snowball. In theory yes you can say that you will dust yourself off and try again, but just easy as it is to say that it is easy to fall again.

What you need to do is actually get out of the comfort zone, and and focus on WHY you relapse, focus on WHEN your weak, and focus on HOW you are going to make the changes to counter your weaknesses.

My suggested reading is to first understand Why We Relapse.

Secondly, you need to draw up a plan for youself. You can use the mission planner as a good template to do this.

You can apply this logic to anything in life Dave But you need to be explcitly clear in your objectives. If you ever question yourself or doubt you hunger, it is unlikely you will reach your goal.

Ask any sportsperson at the start the line, if they plan to come second. The answer will always be no, If they doubt themselves they will fall. However If they are clear on their goals they can still fall, but as they are focussed they will look back at their stratey and realise their weaknesses and then build on that, to strengthen their plan further.

Pick yourself up Dave, use your partner as support and focus on your finish line and beleive you can win.

FM

[dave42]

thank you, FoolishMind and Rowlf. I think you are both right. I'm tired right now: physically tired and probably just worn down too. I'll try to come up with a plan soon. I don't know about using my partner: on paper it makes sense, but he is stoic and totally turned off by what he sees as a California phenomenon of people getting attention for being in recovery. Also, I don't have enough courage to tell him. I guess that's a bad sign, huh? But I will think about why I relapse.

Not sure I like the athlete analogy: they all lose except the one winner. But that wasn't your point. Your point was that I need a plan that has success as its goal. That is a good point. Thanks!