Dave42's Very Gay Journal of Recovery

[dave42]

Okay, hello, everyone. This is going to be a short "everything is going fine" message. I'm trying to write in my journal every day, but tonight I'm pressed for time. Hope everyone is doing great. I am feeling excited about life these days: busy with work and classes and other stuff.

All the best,

Dave

[dave42]

Another short entry here: Busy, busy, busy. I'm a bit stressed out about an assignment due tomorrow.

All the best,

Dave

[pipster22]

its good to know you are doing so well :)
definetly gives a lot of hope to others. i have read your blog and am very proud of all your success and how you have worked so hard to beat the addiction, keep up the good work!

[dave42]

Hey, Pipster! I just wrote you a long message. Hope it helps. I'm going to go read your posts right now. Good luck with everything!

[rugbysteve]

Hey dave,
Haven't dropped you a note in a while. Seems like you're busy as well. That's good. Just wanted to say "hi and keep up the good work."

Hope your assignment last week went well.
-steve

[dave42]

Back at you RugbySteve! I think staying engaged here is tough for me, but crucial to my success. I have been super busy and will probably be so for the next year. But, wait: that's crazy, right? I mean -- everyone is busy. I'm working and I'm taking classes. So, sure, I'm busy. But, I still need to be engaged in the recovery process. It's probably the most important thing to my overall success as a person. So, I'm going to try to focus on getting stuff done and on analyzing that sense of busy-ness. Yesterday I watched TV for at least 3 hours: now how busy could I really be. Probably it's more accurate to say that I'm feeling unsettled. And that I'll be unsettled for the next year. So, NO WAY! I'm not going to spend the next year feeling unsettled. That's just me playing the victim again and excusing myself for all sorts of things.

Okay, today i stop claiming that I'm busy. I start claiming that my life is unsettled -- that I have trouble focusing, getting things done, feeling relaxed. I think then the strategy changes from trying to be more efficient and more energetic to trying to be more mindful and happier.

Here's to mindfulness and happiness! Good luck, everyone!

[rugbysteve]

dave,
I totally understand about being "super busy" and then wondering why you just spent 3 hours watching tv the other day. That was me back in college. Sometimes I think it was just a mindset --- I thought I was always busy so I acted like it (I did have lots to do, but I often found myself wasting time with tv or video games, etc). I also think, though, that 3 hours of tv watching (or video games) can be relaxing and somewhat necessary so we can be busy the rest of the week -- a way to unwind.

As far as having trouble focusing... I have good days and bad days. I like your strategy change --- be more mindful and happier.

Good luck with your busy/unsettled life!
-steve
p.s. i'm just curious, what are you studying?

[dave42]

Thanks, Steve, as always for your insights and encouragement. I'm studying education -- specifically how schools tend to reproduce inequality, even though no one ever enters the teaching profession saying, "I want to spend my life working to make sure that social and economic inequalities are continued to the next generation."

Anyway, about p: boy, I'm an idiot. I was playing with fire yesterday. I didn't actually look at p, but I sure came close -- looking at soft p and clicking here and there tempting fate.

Sigh...today was better. I hope that everyone reading this will learn from me: don't play with fire unless you want to get burned. It's only luck that some of those links weren't p. I guess I wanted to get burned. Why? Hmmm....low self-esteem? The need for a continuation of a soap opera starring me? I sure love wallowing in self-pity, so that would make sense.

Anyway, onward to a new day.

All the best,

dave

[rugbysteve]

Playing with fire... Oh I know exactly how that goes. Sometimes I find myself clicking more or less "randomly" on websites, just following one link to another. With the sx-infused culture we live in, it's not surprising that p is only a few clicks away. When I realize that I have been "randomly clicking" there is sometimes a recognition that I may have been perhaps "looking for" or "hoping to come across" a provocative picture (not necessarily p). Thanks to the support from TTF, though, it's getting easier to recognize this subconscious thinking and either click away to the forums or just close the window.

I'm not sure about the motivation --- why we want to get burned. I know, quite well, that I don't want to seek out any p , or even triggers for that matter. I think part of it is habit, and part of it is us unconsciously seeking out that "fix" that we were so used to getting. Another thing that I talked about with my shrink is that sometimes we might realize that if we fail its easy to get into that "binge," and then part of us (the sick, addicted part) starts to look forward to that. "Well, if I fail, at least I get to binge for a while to feed the fix."

As far as your studies, I think that's awesome! I spend some time volunteering in the inner city public schools here and I often wonder how these kids are going to find a way out. It's great to hear how people are attacking this problem from all angles!

Good luck! Stay away from the fire
-steve

[dave42]

Thanks, Steve, for your insights. Here is my favorite sentence of yours: "Another thing that I talked about with my shrink is that sometimes we might realize that if we fail its easy to get into that "binge," and then part of us (the sick, addicted part) starts to look forward to that. 'Well, if I fail, at least I get to binge for a while to feed the fix.' "

I think this is probably a big part of what is going on. But you also mention habit and the hope of a fix. Yep: I guess the answer is to keep doing all of the good stuff that we know we can do: being cautious, being aware, trying to stay refreshed and balanced. It's a constant task to stay mentally healthy. Thanks for the reminder.

All the best,

Dave