Dave42's Very Gay Journal of Recovery

[rugbysteve]

Eggs Benedict: I love it; you've GOT to find a way to make just enough for a meal, I think. Otherwise, I'm picturing you depriving yourself of something you enjoy, which I read everywhere is not the way to lose weight...

Maybe Daniel's advice from a couple of posts above is helpful -- all of our life issues ARE interrelated, but that means that they can all "rise and fly together."

My new strategy is to invite a bunch of friends over for Saturday brunches. That way I can make a full batch AND share the deliciousness (I have some smoked salmon from Alaska that I'm going to use this weekend).

I was definitely hearing the message about things being interrelated yesterday, but I was focused on the negative. Thanks for reminding me (via Daniel) that it goes the other way! Now I'm really looking forward to brunch this weekend.

Here's to a positive attitude for all of us!

-steve

p.s. I saw from your reply in my journal that's you're going to be on the California coast. I am very jealous. I really miss CA, and the west coast. Connecticut stinks! I used to drive up and down the coast from my home in Seattle to LA and back for college. My favorite places have to be Humboldt County and Santa Barbara.

[Daniel]

Dave42, RugbySteve,

Stop already!

Ha ha, I'm kidding.

I am in Texas but born in California.

Dave, my wife was born in SF and lived there until she was 9 yrs. old.

Her parents grew up there. Her maternal grandparents (a full-blooded Hawaiin and ditto Italian) met in SF and started their family there. Her Italian grandmother watched the construction of the Golden Gate(!).

On my wife's Dad's side of the family, the Grandparent's lived in the Bernal Heights district from 1964 until 2003.

So when you said you lived there I held back!

But thank you so much for the kind words.

I am very heartened that my advice strikes a cord. You never know if what you are thinking will mean anything to anybody. I figure, "put the thought out there, perhaps someone will be edified..."

California Coast. Don't get me started.... We were just out there for a 20th H.S. reunion and spent the weekend in Pacific Grove, ate and hit the beach at Carmel, walked through Lover's Point, took tons of pictures, stayed in a PG cottage built in 1905 (700 sq. ft.), and generally blew the lid off having such a great time.

So,... Thank you for the memories Dave. And trunks full yet to come, in the words of Neil Young..

Go Big, Peace and Success to you,

Daniel

[dave42]

So many great California connections. Glad to hear it. Yep, I've lived here more or less my whole life. So, here is what I'm up to these days. I'm leaving tomorrow for a trip down the coast a bit. (Thought I'd already be offline by now, but we had a slight change of plans.) I've been fine with the p addiction, not so fine with eating, but I'm trying to keep it all together. And trying to get back on the horse whenever I fall off and eat too much.

Nothing profound, but feeling pretty good about my resolve. The other day I was thinking about finding a gay diet site. (Sounds like a joke, but I thought, "Gee, it'd be great to find a website where gay folks are supporting each other with health and fitness.") I was reminded that a lot of gay stuff is just a couple of clicks away from gay porn stuff. Also, in the Castro District yesterday (gay part of town) my partner and I were walking down the street and there was sexual stuff in a lot of the shop windows.

Since being gay is, in large part, a sexually-related thing, and since gay "culture" seems to be, in my experience, completely saturated with sex and, to some extent, porn, it's going to be an ongoing negotiation for me to be visiting gay non-porn sites or gay places. I'm thinking about the need to be very deliberate. I have to say that while I was looking for gay diet and fitness stuff there was a part of me that WANTED to stumble onto porn.

It's complicated. At 43, I feel a strong need to be proud of being gay. I used to think "Why proud? My brother isn't proud to be straight. Why not just okay?"

But now I feel that it's not enough to be okay with myself. That a big part of recovery for me is feeling more open about myself. That I really need to assert my wholesomeness: I'm whole. I'm okay. I'm gay, and that's who I am. No secrets. No shame. Just: that's me.

So I feel a need to get involved in gay issues. It’s funny to be at this stage in my life, having been more or less opening gay since age 18, and still not feeling very connected to gay community stuff. I need to feel more connected to this stuff: issues, events, friends, etc. So, for example, I was just reading a story in an online gay newspaper about a gay issue. But one of the ads on the right-hand margin was for a site that was probably soft porn or stronger or at least going in the direction of porn.

My last relapse was due to playing with fire and not staying engaged with TTF. I feel sometimes that reading these articles in gay newspapers, even though they aren't sexual, is playing with fire. But I really want to be connected. Maybe a solution is to read these gay articles only while I’m in a public place.

Okay, enough “gayngst” for one day. I am going jogging now. It's an amazingly sunny day out there.

[rugbysteve]

Dave,
I think its a great thing for you to want to assert your identity. I think its a very healthy thing, and I also agree that it is important to get involved in issues that you care about (and frankly, I'm sure most of these are issues we should all care about). I can relate about the feeling of part of you wanting to "stumble upon" P from another website. The simplest answer would be to stay away from those sites where P is only a few clicks away, but I understand that is probably not possible if you do want to stay involved. It might be worth sending those sites an email saying how you feel about some of their advertisers (although with this economy they might need all of the ad revenue they can get their hands on).

Another strategy that might be worth a shot is to try a web filter. They do a decent job at blocking certain ads while letting the rest of the site come through. I use K9 web protection. It's not perfect (a lot of legitimate site categories are blocked by default, but you can change it), but again, it might be worth a shot.

I wish you luck with being Very Gay and Very P-free. You've got my support 100%!
-steve

[dave42]

Wow, Steve! Thanks! When you said, "I wish you luck with being Very Gay and Very P-free. You've got my support 100%!" I felt really thankful for people like you! Thanks a lot!

I took a trip with my partner down the coast and realized that I'm in a bit of a weird fix, in terms of being so proud of being gay. Here is the thing: so we are walking along in this touristy area with tons of people, and there are couples: young couples, old couples, middle-aged couples. And some of of them are holding hands, some have an arm around the other's shoulder, one teen/young twenties couple is kissing in a kind of "presentational" way ("Look at us. We are so in love that we want to kiss here in front of everyone!"). I'm feeling...what? I'm feeling: "Okay, well, I can hold hands with my partner, too! I can put my arm around my partner, too. I can kiss my partner, too."

Except....except...let's face it: it's uncomfortable. First, we are in our 40s, so it's not like a 19 year old couple kissing in front of everyone: "Looking at how in love we are." Second, it's like I'm making a statement. I tried for about 15 seconds to link arms with my partner: you know, arm in arm pretzel kind of thing. I was so self-conscious. it was in a hotel hallway. A straight couple had just walked by us holding hands, so I felt, kind of....angry...I don't know: jealous, angry, "hey! If you can do that so can I!" And there was a bell hop and another guy. Who KNOWS if they even noticed, but I felt like they were disgusted. Sigh....

I guess I'm playing the victim a bit. I've got enough money, a good job, a nice home, good health, a great partner, and I am doing pretty well over all, yet I'm concerned about whether or not I can/should hold my partner's hand in public.

Is this linked to p? .... honestly, I think everything is linked, but that might be a cop out. I think the truth is that we all are struggling with demons, with issues, with aggravations, with who knows what. Good luck everyone!

[Rowlf]

Hey Dave,

Good going so far!

...
I guess I'm playing the victim a bit. I've got enough money, a good job, a nice home, good health, a great partner, and I am doing pretty well over all, yet I'm concerned about whether or not I can/should hold my partner's hand in public.

I was nodding with this. So much stuff seems to be bound up in others perceptions of us, even when we don't want that. I guess it comes from being a social animal. And when the majority around you are holding a different way of being, then being oneself can be challenge to them. Really it's their problem I reckon! And I also know, if I had been in that situation I would have reacted the same.

I don't know if I was being oversensitive, but I was thinking that the frustration / anger at the situation and your not being able to find how to be comfortable in it could build up into a trigger - don't know, just wondering.

Anyway, I hope today is going good!

[rugbysteve]

I'm glad you appreciate my support, Dave. I can certainly appreciate that, at the very least, being gay is today's world is very complicated.

Is this linked to p? .... honestly, I think everything is linked, but that might be a cop out. I think the truth is that we all are struggling with demons, with issues, with aggravations, with who knows what. Good luck everyone!

I think that statement definitely hit the nail on the head. I think that we all are struggling with issues --- and it might not necessarily be any one thing --- that cause a lot of stress. What we all have in common, is that to deal with our stress and/or issues we turned to P for escape just as an alcoholic would turn to alcohol or a drug addict to drugs. Our issues may or may not be directly related to P or relationships, but the common thread is that we all found escape in P.

However, our other common thread is that we have all figured out that the escapism of P is self-destructive -- just like alcohol and drug abuse. We are trying to rid ourselves of P and in doing so I think we are forced to find other ways of dealing with our stress/issues, which may force us to face those issues head on (which is a daunting task), or to find other healthier outlets (e.g. non-destructive) for our stress. I think if we can accomplish those two things then not only will we free ourselves of PA but we will improve the quality of our lives (everything is linked!).

Ok, enough long-winded self-analysis in somebody else's journal for now. Stay strong and P-free, Dave.
-steve

[dave42]

Hi Rowlf and RugbySteve and Everyone:

Yes, Rowlf, probably the anger and frustration could build into a trigger. I have thought about that in a vague way, but it was great to hear someone else (You!) articulate it. I need to remember that all sorts of experiences feed into my addiction. Triggers aren't just alcohol, soft porn, etc. but also emotional states. The less anger and frustration I experience today, the less likely I'll be looking at porn tomorrow. I guess.

RugbySteve: Yes, facing stressful issues head on and remembering that escapism is a trap -- these are key to overcoming addiction for me. Thank you to both of you.

I need to be proud that I'm gay; but I need to face the fact that holding my partner's hand in public leads to stress and that often leads, eventually, to porn. It's tricky. It's slippery, this whole business of wellness, of being wholesome. It's tricky, but I know a couple of tricks to dealing with trickiness: sense of humor; keeping it simple, sincere and direct; keeping my eyes on the prize of loving kindness. Thanks everyone!

As the Dalai Lama says, "May I relieve the suffering of all sentient beings!" Now THERE'S a stressful job -- being the Dalai Lama. I'm dealing with public displays of homosexual affection in tourist traps and the Dalai Lama is dealing with trying to get justice for his people. Makes my porn addiction look like a cake walk.

Long live the Dalai Lama and the people of Tibet! Long happy life to everyone reading this.

[futurehope]

Interesting discussion....it must be hard having to hide your sexuality. There's still a lot of prejudice out there and I guess you have to be careful.

But, I agree with Steve... it's good to have gay people in the world because they add to the richness of it.

[dave42]

Then I've been enriching this planet since 1965!

Thanks,

Dave