Dave42's Very Gay Journal of Recovery

[dave42]

Daniel and Lonesome Soul:

I just "found" my response about text. Daniel, I love the idea of intent. I think that is a really useful way of looking at the issue. I also like the slippery place metaphor: " "If you don't want to slip and fall then don't walk in slippery places.." That is really smart. Thanks!

[futurehope]

Yeah, I know what you mean about the weight thing....I'm also trying to cut down on my food intake, but that makes me more irritable.....

[dave42]

Glad to hear your response, Future Hope. I get irritable when I can't eat as much as I want, which is just about every meal of my life. And when I DO overdo it, I feel like, "Oh, what the heck: I messed up my eating goals, why not go ahead and mess up my porn addiction goals, too." Plus, even worse, I think about how extremely fit some of the porn actors are, and I think that, gosh, wouldn't it be better to be fit and addicted rather than off the porn habit but 30 lbs overweight.

Of course, the wise voice in me says, "Oh, shut up, David. It's not either or. Lots of guys are struggling with porn addiction and they aren't eating every last piece of food in the house, so grow up." Sigh...I hate being fat...but I evidently don't hate it enough to get fit. Hmmm...I hate the way well-being is integrated. You know: if only life were truly compartmentalized. I think the eating problems are related to the porn addiction problems, to self-esteem problems, to lack of discipline problems, to things that happened 30 years ago, to who knows what. All of these are related, I guess. Sigh...Okay, well, good luck every one. Hope I didn't bring anyone down. I like to whine...I guess thats integrated with these other issues, as well! Here is some good news: there is not a single cloud in the sky out my window. I'm going to go out and do something on this beautiful January afternoon.

Hang tough, everyone!

[spartan]

Dave,

Just thought I'd say hi!

I completely agree with you when you say 'Oh, what the heck: I messed up my eating goals, why not go ahead and mess up my porn addiction goals, too."

I do similar things all the time, though not with food. But I find myself thinking 'Oh well my jobs rubbish and I'm skint - why don't I just go home open a bottle of wine and look at p'

Which of course makes me feel worse because then I've gone and lost sight of another goal. Why do we do this ourselves?!!

Good luck anyway and I hope you're managing to keep this goal in sight... even if you do waiver a little along the way.

[dave42]

Thanks, Spartan! Good luck!

[Daniel]

I think the eating problems are related to the porn addiction problems, to self-esteem problems, to lack of discipline problems, to things that happened 30 years ago, to who knows what. All of these are related, I guess. Sigh...

OK Dave,

Here's another way of looking at this: if those interrelated issues can crash and burn together then they can rise and fly together!

Daniel

[dave42]

Hey, Daniel: Yes, you are absolutely right: all of these interrelated things can rise and fly together. I need to hold on to that though.

Spartan, you asked yourself and all of us: "Which of course makes me feel worse because then I've gone and lost sight of another goal. Why do we do this ourselves?!!"

I think one of the answers to your question, for me, has to do partly with long vs. short term satisfaction. I think too much in the short-term: "this bottle of wine will really make life great for the next few hours." or "This huge slice of cake is going to taste great." But the long-term result is, in the first case, a hangover (for me, at least) and, in the second case, another pound or two extra when I need to go the other direction. Porn is the ultimate for me: a few hours of total immersion and escape is the short term gain, but the long-term problem: I should have spent that time relaxing, reading something for my class, baking a pie, or even watching TV.

Ah, well, good luck

[rugbysteve]

Hi dave,
I haven't been around for the past week, and as a result I fell off the wagon. That's all it took, yesterday I was at day 34, today I'm at day 0. The point is, I wanted to wish you a belated welcome (back).

I can totally relate about the food. I love cooking, but I've been avoiding using it as a way to distract myself from urges because I don't want to gain any more weight. I gained a little more than 20 lbs of weight last year (under the pretense of getting bigger for rugby, but I suspect most of that weight is all in my beer belly). Add to that, my favorite thing to make is eggs benedict and I haven't figured out how to make Hollandaise sauce in small batches, I'm sure you can understand my reluctance to turn from P to cooking.

I also agree about things being very interrelated. Thinking about that has inspired me to make a post about it, but I'll spare your journal a long post from me and put it in my journal.

Good luck, and its good to meet you.
-steve

[lonesome_soul]

Lonesome Soul:

....Is writing a short story or journal entry a sneaky backdoor way to get at porn? I suspect it would be for me. I'm pretty sure that for me that that would be playing with fire. But I don't know if you feel the same....

See with me, I have never really been one for consuming what you might call "conventional pornography." For me it's not as much about the sexual acts depicted on film, as much as it is about the fantasy and the escape. To be honest with you, it is rare that I will ever let myself watch a straight-up P flick or buy a mag or anything like that, let alone get aroused by it.

I made a journal entry today talking about how the internet may have caused my PA to become worse, but it certainly wasn't the cause of it. Long before I had any notion that anyone else in the world shared my fantasies, I reveled in a make believe world of daydreams and fantasies. It was my escape from life anytime things got too hard to deal with, which was pretty much everyday.

So to answer your question, the writing and drawing that I do is for me far more powerful and potent a trigger than anything I could find on line or in a magazine. They are reflections of my own personal fantasy world. That world is a very lonely place which has brought nothing but heartache and pain to my real life, which is why I am here now trying to recover.

....I think the eating problems are related to the porn addiction problems, to self-esteem problems, to lack of discipline problems, to things that happened 30 years ago, to who knows what. All of these are related, I guess.

Yes yes YES!!! You are right! I also believe that all of these issues are related to one another. I am struggling with my weight also... and if it makes you feel any better I am only 35 and I am at least 50 lbs overweight. I have had major food issues most my life (ranging from borderline anorexia to uncontrollable binge eating, with a gamut of feelings and emotions associated with all of it.) Most of it is rather cliche I'd say: food is love, food is comfort, we eat to escape and self medicate. A lot of the same reasons many of us turn to P. However, I think for me it runs a little deeper than that... sometimes I really feel like it's all one big mess, my food issues and P addiction, and it all relates back to my issues with self esteem and self confidence.

I don't know, I haven't figured it all out yet. I supposed that's why I really need to get back into therapy (or at least one of the reasons.) But it's good to hear from someone else talking about this stuff. I am always amazed to hear from someone who is tackling similar issues as I am. Makes me think maybe I'm not so strange after all.

About piano: boy, I'm out of practice!

It's never too late man... music is a very positive and life affirming way to deal with things... that's how I feel about it anyways. You got the right attitude though, keep it up Dave!

Peace, LS

[dave42]

Hey, RugbySteve:

Thanks for the welcome back. Back at you! Hey, I really appreciated the way you framed it: "That's all it took, yesterday I was at day 34, today I'm at day 0." That "that" in your sentence refers to not being here at TTF. I think that you are so right about the importance of coming here and participating as often as possible. I think that before my falling off the wagon, I was not as engaged here as I should have been. So thank you for pointing that out.

Eggs Benedict: I love it; you've GOT to find a way to make just enough for a meal, I think. Otherwise, I'm picturing you depriving yourself of something you enjoy, which I read everywhere is not the way to lose weight. (I know: easy for me to write!) Well, the silver lining is that you are into rugby: that's got to be great exercise. Good luck! I'm hoping to read your journal entry after I write this.

Good for you that you fell off the wagon but got right back on the next day. Excellent. When I fell, I SHOULD have gotten right back on, but, instead, I waited something like 6 weeks. Sigh...

Hope you lose your extra 20 lbs or so in a really wise way. I'm hoping to end my yo-yo-ing weight loss/gain pattern. Maybe Daniel's advice from a couple of posts above is helpful -- all of our life issues ARE interrelated, but that means that they can all "rise and fly together." Thanks for your post, Rugby...

Lonesome_Soul: Hey, at least give yourself credit that while the rest of us porn addicts have been consuming porn, at least it sounds like you have been creative in making "a make believe world of daydreams and fantasies." I'm serious: this might seem like cold comfort, but you are at least actively doing something instead of the rest of us sitting here and looking at picture after clip after story after picture after clip...Still, I don't want you to think that I'm minimizing the pain that this make believe world has caused you. Hang in there, buddy!

About losing weight, hang in there! There is not one person reading this who doesn't have self-esteem and self-confidence issues. We support you!

Take care, now!

Warmly,

Dave