Dave42's Very Gay Journal of Recovery

[castaway16]

Good job on keeping yourself busy Dave.
I'm trying to cram up my schedule so as to have as little "idle time" as possible.

Keep it up.

Castaway

[dave42]

Thanks, Castaway!I'm doing fine today. Hope you are all doing great, too.

[dave42]

Tomorrow is the 80th day of my most recent period of being clean. 80 days, now that's pretty good, huh? It was Sunday, August 16 when I turned over a new leaf.

[Crisodian]

80 days! That's fantastic!

Good for you.

Best wishes. Be strong.

~C~

[StarPuppy]

Tomorrow is the 80th day of my most recent period of being clean. 80 days, now that's pretty good, huh? It was Sunday, August 16 when I turned over a new leaf.

Yay! 80 days, treated yourself and gave yourself a pat in the back today?

:)

[artguy34]

Tomorrow is the 80th day of my most recent period of being clean. 80 days, now that's pretty good, huh? It was Sunday, August 16 when I turned over a new leaf.

^:)^

Dave, that is awesome buddy! You truly are an inspiration to us all! Through your valuable insight, and even sharing your relapses with us, you prove to us that we can all continue to work hard to achieve what we truly want!

80 days! =D>

[pipster22]

80 days!!!
That is an amazing accomplishment; you should feel very good about yourself!
I am honestly very proud of you dave and am very impressed with your dedication, we all know how hard staying clean is. keep your head up and don't let your gaurd down!! soon that 80 days will be 160, then before you know it 365!! you're at a very good place to be :)

love
pippy

[Athenon]

Congratulations !

80 days that's amazing !

You are showing great courage and determination.

Keep up the good work buddy !

[dave42]

Thanks, Athenon, except today I messed up. Sigh...I didn't look at p, but I DID look at very, very suggestive pictures for the first time in, well, 80 days. ... I don't know what happened exactly. It lasted about 5 minutes. At work. I need to get back on the wagon right away.

here is the problem, though: as soon, as SOOOON as I saw the pictures, I realized that a BIG part of me really cannot quite picture living without seeing beautiful bodies. I realize that for 80 days I've been avoiding all pictures, and it's kind of unnatural. Like this: beautiful bodies are beautiful, you know? I realize that I'm playing with fire and doing a very dangerous thing, sentimentalizing p, but the fact is that I really, really miss looking at even a good looking guy's face. It's hard to explain...I saw a picture of a guy in a swimming suit: very athletic and cute and I said to myself, "That's beautiful" and then, "How can I NOT look at this? This is such an important part of my life." it's weird...I know that I'm playing, dangerously playing with fire, but I have to acknowledge that I can't imagine living for the next 4 to 5 decades without enjoying looking at guys who are cute! Am I crazy? I'm not being very articulate.

I guess I need to hear from people who are successfully dealing with p over the long haul. How do we balance the fact that like a beautiful flower or a beautiful mountain or a beautiful painting, these images are beautiful? Do we say, "Tough luck, Dave, you can drink a glass of wine and enjoy its beauty, but your friend can't 'cause he's alcoholic. Same with you. Some people can look at soft or even heavy-duty p, because they not addicted, but you can't. You know you can't. You've known this for 80 days, plus during other periods of being clean..." So do I have to give up such a central part of being human? By the way, my sex life with my partner is practically non-existent. Maybe I should channel all of my sexual energy into my relationship with him.

It's just hard. Life is hard. I'm sad. I'm just really sad tonight. Going to bed! Good night. Things will look better tomorrow. On top of everything I kind of snapped at my partner and hurt his feelings. I'm an a****** sometimes. Sigh...Okay, wallowing in my self-pity, I guess. Oh, did I mention that I'm about 30 pounds overweight! Ah, and I seem to have chronic bad breath! Ha! Everything but the kitchen sink tonight, huh?! Okay, I guess I've depressed the h*** out of everyone reading this. Thanks for your patience.

[castaway16]

Dave, I think the situation isn't as bad you think.
You didn't look at P in the first place. I realize you've looked at some inappropriate pictures, but still, it's a small slip in 80 days, if you think about it, it's nothing compared to those 80 days of sobreity.
Also, think about it this way, if you don't allow for even such small slips from now on, this slip will be really meaningless. I don't think you even have to reset your p-free counter. But still such a mistake could be a good wake-up call to keep you more focused.

Castaway