The truth is painful - but required

[FoolishMind]

Hi all, Today I have been 71 days P & MB free.

I dont have a lot to say to add to my journal today, but I kindoff wanted to pat myself on my own back ;).

Also just cant say thank you enough to all that contribute here, as each day through your posts I learn more and more about the devastation P causes and that gives me more and more strength to live my real life.

Thank You.

[FoolishMind]

I cannot believe it! I was just browsing some motorbike sites, and clicked on Suzuki Ninja gallery, to find a wallpaper to put on my screen. And then there was like 50 odd thumbnails of which 30 / 40 contained a Bike, and a half dressed female! My heart just jumped, and I literally got scared, in a flash just clicked on the X on the browser to close it down!

I know sx sells but for goodness sake! I am trying to enjoy new things, and this stupid P be it soft or hard, always has to get involved somewhere! Really really P***sed off!

[HalfPint]

man, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. Not too long ago I was at school looking for backgrounds for my computers (I build computers, which, yes, means I'm a geek/nerd). Many geeks who build their own computers use a scheme to name their computers. Like me, I use energy drinks. My one computer is red and black so its named full throttle. My second computer I built is blue and black so its bluejolt. My laptop (which no, I didn't build) is named *REMOVED* because of the way it looks. I want to have wallpapers for my various computers that go with the energy drink its named after. I went to the *REMOVED* site to look for backgrounds and oh my gosh. they had some pictures just like you were saying probably 40 some od thumbnails and I would say a good 50 - 75% of them had half women on them and I got that panicky/angry feeling. My heart was pounding so bad I thought it would come out of my chest. I closed that as soon as I could. then I went to monsters website to get one from them and theirs were even worse (or it was the other way around, I cant remember, one or the other was worse but I think monsters website was worse for wallpapers).

Hang in there man, 72 days today? thats awesome. I'm at 77 today. Sure does feel great doesn't it?

[davids]

Man thats quite the journey you've been on FM, I don't feel I can be so open with my wife. She knows I have struggled with p in the past, I too was caught and have seen the hurt in her eyes. I went to counselling out of guilt, but with no real desire to change, but this time, with the support on this site,, this time feels different. I WANT TO CHANGE!
Its great to read of your success, I want to follow your footsteps:)
d

[FoolishMind]

Today is my 81st day P & MB Free. While I am proud of this, I am not feeling overly ecstatic.

For at least the last week, I have not been my usual bubbly self, and have been feeling a bit lonesome, I was quite closed and reserved. These last few days i feel like ive kind off been beating myself up, and honestly I dont know why. But I have been getting quite upset with myself because It has become more and more apparent that I cannot completely rid this addiction from myself. I have controlled it, and am controlling it well. Sometimes battles are easily one by simply changing a TV channel, or turning my head away from a magazine rack.

But sometimes battles are harder, i.e. llingering on a channel that could be displaying something suggestive, or glance at a magazine shelf that goes into a second or more.

When i watch with my wife now, any form of sx scene i fast forward it, till it passes. I feel like a complete child. Why do I do it, 1) i dont see the need to see it, and 2), I dont want my wife to get worried.

Recently i have been reading everyones journals again, to see where they think it started from, ie linggerie in catalogues, chat rooms, soft P etc etc.

I am just struggling to understand, I am starting to really dislike my label of a PA, and struggling to logically understand what is different about me, and a normal man, who can look at something and obviously be intrigued by it, but thats it, it stops there. Can I do that, can I be that normal man?

If I am a PA, should I be able to know my limits, and know that I can comfortably watch a hollywood movie and watch a sx scene with my wife, without me getting paranoid or not trusting myself.

Not sure if im communicating effectively, this is the kind of mish mash going on in my head at the moment.

Confused

FM

[Dominus]

http://www.throughtheflame.org/forum...cons/icon1.gif 03-17-2008, 03:43 PM



There is only one objective of lingerie, suggestive adverts and erotic scenes on tv, and that is to turn people on, so you can't be surprised if it happens to you, if anything that affirms that you are completely normal. Years ago the only place you would be able to see lingerie was in a ladies outfitters and I doubt a man would be allowed near the place. Really speaking anybody other than your wife shouldnt be exposing herself to you, and the only reason it has become so prevalent in society is because it is what people want to see to titillate themselves.

i don't like the label porn addict either, its more a case of 1) you and I love the female form - nothing wrong with that, 2) when confronted with it we feel a temptation to look further - nothing wrong with that either, 3) these events set off a reaction in our body which encourages us to pursue until we reach our desired sexual fulfillment - and that is entirely natural. what is not fair is that we should have to be bombarded by pictures of women who are not available and do not have the right to try and arouse passion in us.

I don't believe a normal man as you describes him exists, just that some men have more self control than others, you are in that case a normal man.

You've done so well FM, but you have had to change your personality and thats not a very easy thing to do. After a while the novelty of being 'porn free' starts to wear off and the old temptations come flooding back. I wish I could tell you it will pass, but as I am only a couple of weeks ahead of you the future is an unwritten book. Maybe it doesnt get much easier, maybe we just get better at saying no, but I think thats sufficient to earn the label 'normal men'.

[FoolishMind]

85 Days and feeling alive in so many different ways!

If had produced a line graph of my progress over these last 85 days, you would see a number of peaks and troughs, constant fluctuations of moods, but I can confidently say, things are mellowing out for me, and just genuinely happier, and stronger within myself. Relationship is constantly blossoming with my wife, and just makes life feel great!

I AM IN CONTROL! I can turn away, I can walk away, I can say NO! That has been the battle, and I will not deny that I will have to continue to battle the constant ardment of temptation thrown at us from vitually every angle on every medium in this world, but it is SO WORTH it.

Stay Strong everyone.

[HalfPint]

hey hey hey, 85 days. w00t! that rocks. Your doin great man, stay focused, stay encouraged and keep looking forward. You helped me to see that when I started doubting the other day ;). Like said, the honeymoon may be over, but we got the rest of our lives ahead of us to keep getting stronger. Great job man, keep it up.

[castaway16]

wow ,, this is really inspiring FM .. i'm very happy for you and wish I could make it as well..

for me, guys like you and halfpint, represent ones who are going through the same path as I'm .. but way ahead of me .. they have struggled through the tough path and managed to pass beyond a big block .. and finally they're describing what they're seeing and experiencing on the other side, which gives me , and lots of whom are and will go through the same excursion, a great hope and desire to pursue the dream!

that's exactly how i see it .. thank you all ! :)

[FoolishMind]

Thank you for your kind words Castaway16. Regardless of number of days etc, we really dont need to focus on that, you can go 10years, and slip up, how will that feel? I count my days, every now and again, purely for the journal's sake, and for any members who want to follow a member progress. My point... Wether you are 1 day or 100 days, we are all in the same boat. Yes the man with 100 days has experienced more, yet he will still experience the same temptation as he did on day one. Therefore the battle remains the same! From day one, you should focus on the positives! If i remember correctly, it took me about two weeks to really try and understand why I did what I did, and after that my wife, commented on how I am like a different man, That made me look at myself differently. I stopped trying to be critical of myself "oh why did i do this, why did i hurt her, why am I loser" I looked at myself with pride. "Im a good man, I good husband now, I good father now, I have no secrets, etc Focusing on the good, is the best change I have made on this journey, and it means i feel good 90% of time. You can feel good from day one if you want to! because you are not missing anything, you are not giving up anything, you are not quitting anything. YOU ARE GAINING EVERYTHING!