The truth is painful - but required

[Storm]

FM & Inshi-

I should have articulated better- what I meant is that certain situations bring those images right to the front of my brain and I can’t make them go away. Then up pops all the feelings of insecurity, betrayal and wondering about LM “who are you? Is this triggering you?� etc, etc.

The images – the things that I saw that he looked at – shocked me. Not because there was anything – boy what can I say here – disgusting? Yes, there were things that are disgusting to me but probably normal to many. It was shocking because I couldn’t believe he had been choosing these images over me. I felt I didn’t even know what turned him on – certainly not me – as I hold no resemblance to anything I saw.

So how long will the images last? I would imagine and hope that as we heal the wounds in our relationship the circumstances that trigger them will become less and less as I will gain enough mental fortitude to shut them down before they send me hurling off a cliff into sadness and despair. I believe that is my responsibility and will require effort on my part.

The most important thing I have learned to date about this situation is I have got to put in as much effort as my husband. I could sit back and watch him put in all the effort to repair this and many would think rightfully so. But I am looking for an improvement in our marriage and I am willing to fight for that. I have made a choice to stay with him based on his choice to stay with me and only me – no more p. With each of our choices comes responsibility. Even though it was his actions that have put us in this crappy place, I have made the choice to stay. Therefore, it is my responsibility to work on my crap as hard as he is working on his. Is it fair that I have to work on stuff when I didn’t cause this? No – but what in life is fair? Life is work. Marriage is work. Parenting is work. Friendships are work. Anything worth having requires effort.

Just as I can’t fully understand the struggles he is going through it is difficult for him to understand why I feel so insecure and angry at times. He is, after all, trying so very hard to show his love and commitment to me. He wants me to tell him when I have these feeling of insecurity but I find it so embarrassing and demeaning to tell him “I’m insecure because I think you are looking at her and want her more than you want me.� Telling him that will not make me feel better and listening to his heartfelt response that all he wants is me won’t make me feel better – it would be hollow to me. So we arrive at an impasse.

My strategy to combat this is simply what I have learned from you, FM & Inshi. Reading your words provides an example of how a couple can get through this and has given LM and me great hope and inspiration. We must communicate - not only with our words but our hearts. We need to “feel� where the other person is and respond accordingly.

Inshi – your words have helped me see there is a reason to forgive and be optimistic about the future. FM – your honest opinions and advice have been invaluable to me and LM. You guys are a pillar of hope for those who struggle to see any.

I know that some days will be harder for me and some will be harder for LM. If each of us commit to putting in our best efforts and apply a lot of forgiveness and understanding I believe with all my heart we will reap the rewards of both our efforts. In the meantime, as we struggle, it is a great comfort to have TFF and all the support to help guide us through this journey.

Storm
P.S. Sorry to be so wordy!!

[Lucky Man]

FM, man, I’ve gotta tell ya…..there ARE good days, and there ARE baaad days…..and it looks like we kind of shared a crappy one together……but I think that as bad as they may be, they are learning experiences, and that without them you lose site of the goal that we are all after, a normal loving, trusting relationship. I’m glad that you and Inshi are on good terms, you guys rock, and are an inspiration to us. I know that Storm and I are going to have a lot of work ahead of us, but you have given us a great deal of knowledge and guidance to help us through. Sometimes I feel blessed and also cursed by Storms bluntness…..she say’s it like it is, she’s damn smart, damn curt, and I’m very lucky to have her in my corner. She could have easily said good-by, but thought this is worth something to fight for, which is surely what Inshi must have said. And as Storm said even though life isn’t fair she is willing to work on her demons, and that effort will do us both a world of good……thanks to you, Inshi and TTF.
LM

[bodget1974]

FM, man, I’ve gotta tell ya…..there ARE good days, and there ARE baaad days…..and it looks like we kind of shared a crappy one together……but I think that as bad as they may be, they are learning experiences, and that without them you lose site of the goal that we are all after, a normal loving, trusting relationship. I’m glad that you and Inshi are on good terms, you guys rock, and are an inspiration to us. I know that Storm and I are going to have a lot of work ahead of us, but you have given us a great deal of knowledge and guidance to help us through. Sometimes I feel blessed and also cursed by Storms bluntness…..she say’s it like it is, she’s damn smart, damn curt, and I’m very lucky to have her in my corner. She could have easily said good-by, but thought this is worth something to fight for, which is surely what Inshi must have said. And as Storm said even though life isn’t fair she is willing to work on her demons, and that effort will do us both a world of good……thanks to you, Inshi and TTF.
LM

^:)^
wow LM wish i could of said them words.
think my wife 'Abbie' is the same, i would be lost without her, we are all so lucky really, i thank everyone of ya, these posts i read, let me know there is hope and future happiness for us all, it is just going to take time and patients, and yes we all have bad days..

[Toria]

Hey,

Just wanted to say thanks for your advice. To be able to hear things from a male perspective helps me to dissolve some of the anger and embrace some hope.

I am overjoyed that you and Inshi are stronger than ever. I also think it's marvellous that you're British too (it's not just cycling we're good at eh?)

Please keep up the good work.

[FoolishMind]

Thank you Toria for your kind words :)

Havent been online for a few days, as my a close uncle of mine passed away on Friday, so been really busy with the family. On the whole, P wise, been a good week, and therefore not much to report.

Yesterday, I was mad though. We were watching a simple family movie for children, and my wife kept pulling stupid faces (frowning etc) I asked whats the matter, she said it was nothing. I carried on watching, then acknowledged there was an actress she mentioned before that I had looked up before of images! I was maaad! I kind of directed it at my wife, because she promised she would just tell me, yet obviously was so much more angry with myself, I hate this, i felt like smashing up the TV to be honest (but i didnt), So just snatched the remote from her, and changed the channel. Then kind of walked off in a huff. Bit silly, but didnt now how to deal with it.

When we do look for a movie to rent or something now, we dont actually look at the story, we look, if there are any sxual scenes, then my wife checks if theres any actresses she doesnt want to see. Everytime we go to the movie shop, I guess my wife has to prepare herself, and I have to prepare myself in different ways. Oh well.

30 days till I go on Holiday...caaaaant waaaait!

Wishing you all the best.

FM

[bodget1974]

i know what you mean FM about TV and Movies, i find if Abbie and me are watching tele, i find in the adverts if there is say a hair shampoo advert i conciously look away, coz i don't want Abbie thinking i'm you know looking in that way, even though i'm not.. it's weird but i think a conciquence of what i've done... think it's just going to take time like everything..

be strong my friend

B

[FoolishMind]

WOah! Feeling a bit weak, so just popped in for a bit. A colleague sent an e-mail of some Olympic pics, but it was a joke and the pictures were well, Not for my eyes. I hovered on the first pic that was embedded into the e-mail for about 30 seconds (29 seconds too long), then just as I caught on i deleted the e-mail and deleted from deleted items aswell. WHAT A LOSER!

Anyway, i think i will go and whack some pengiuns now or something.

[Daniel]

FM,

I am in the same boat with the TV/movies thing. We do not watch ANY movies with the least bit of sexual content. Just part of the steer-clear-of-triggers thing in my case. Violence? OK. High drama? OK. No horror and no sxual stuff. Just our personal battleplan.

The unwitting parts of it can be frustrating though I know. The other day I removed a picture of the two of us from a counter to de-clutter our house before a party. It turns out that removing the picture was me saying I wasn't proud of our marriage, and on it went from there... We eventually worked through it and sure enough, a lot of the negative energy was easily traced back to my addiction. A bomb I stepped on without even knowing it..

I suppose it's somewhat a "jail" of my own making.

Here's to supporting our Spouses!, because we will never completely understand them!

Daniel

[EndOfTheLine]

Hiya FM! Thanks for the comments you left on my journal. I've just begun to read through yours and I've been blown away by your and I's honesty - kudos to the pair of you!! I hope that you'll both be able to look back with pride at what you're doing right now in many years to come (that is if you aren't already!). Have a great PF weekend (no matter the weather lol). EOTL ^:)^

[FoolishMind]

#:-sPheeewww, few wobbles, few moments of stressful times, but low and behold, im 8 months P free today people! Wohoooooo \:D/

Still 8 months on in this site, Im still learning something new everyday, and am truly inspired by the dedication that so many put into their own efforts, as well as the selfless advice and help that this community gives each other.

Thanks to all, I think I will defo be treating myself to some fancy food tonight!

FM