The truth is painful - but required

[Light]

Sounds like you're on the right path Mind, I think it's easy to replace this habit with some other bad habits (buying stuff, over eating, etc.) I think the trick is to find some new healthy habits that you can replace it with.

The other thing to remember is, you probably didn't get to this point overnight. If you are like me, you may have spent many years looking at this crap. So to expect it to all go away overnight is probably unrealisitic. It's going to take a lot of work, and constant vigilance for all of us here to not slip back into our patterns of bad habits by slowly repairing the damage by replacing them with good ones.

It sounds like you're on your way, keep it up!

Tell me, the next time you get tempted to look at P, what is your game plan? :)

[FoolishMind]

Today I received an e-mail from my best friend, seeing the name of the attatchment, it was clear that this picture was not for my viewing. I deleted the e-mail in a flash before temptation kicked in. I then created a new e-mail to my friend and explained that he should not send me anything like this because it can be monitored by the company (it isnt - but felt less embarressed to tell him that)

Later on, i thought I would open up to him, and gave him a call. I told him about what happened between me and my wife, and how I have joined this forum etc, he was really quite negative saying its normal to look at P and its really not that bad. But i explained that i can now see from the other side that it is really hurting a lot of people and destroying lives. After some time trying to explain myself, i realised there was no joy with my anti P preaching.

It is just really shocking me that the current norm in the culture is that P is norm and its acceptible. Most of my friends - infact all, are single or not completley committed to a partner, and I see that P is a big part of their lives. Does this mean in generations to come its just going to get worse and worse!!

I really do think in the western world we live in, the subliminal messages of objectifying woman is huge and is only going to get worse. You only have to compare sxual content of commercials now to about 10 years ago. Things are just becoming more and more socially acceptable. And people will get onto P at a far younger age. If i was not married i would be more and more desentisied to this.

Frightening. With all the new people joining this site, this is probably a minute percentage of the damage caused. I sincerely hope all on this site can pull together and help all who have made the intention to be P & MB free. Marriage & Love between a man and a woman is a sacred thing, and i sincerly hope this world doesnt ruin that.

[Light]

I agree FM, it really does seem like sex is a commodity now, much different than it used to be even 5-10 years ago. I am amazed at the changes when I look around me. What is revealing, when you read about it, you find that (I'm going off memory here, so not 100% accurate) over 50% of divorces are because of porn use. That statistic is not surprising to me, because porn turns men into robots who just want to jerk off all the time, there is no room for intimacy in the relationship, and women are left trying to be porn stars to even attempt to satisfy their men.

Well, this is not what I want for my family, or future wife, and I'm glad it's not what you are about either.

I agree that it is easier to not try to talk someone into seeing things this way, because they don't want to give up something that they like so much. But they don't realize that sometimes things we like can be bad for us, and most of them probably aren't thinking down the road long enough that they can even imagine what it would mean to their future wives, or even if they had a daughter of their own.

[FoolishMind]

Today is 2 weeks, I have been P and MB free. Sounds small doesnt it? But you what...this is 2 weeks more that I have had to love my wife, that I wouldnt have had if I had 1 more day of P. So..2 weeks in that context...That is huge to me. I admire so many individuals here who are going it alone, But i know if it wasnt for the support of my wife, I couldnt do this. The help and support of others on this site is also overwhelming.

I actually feel like a better human being, ive got nothing to hide anymore. I have walked out of the living room many times, due to certain sxual adverts etc, for 2 reasons, 1) I dont want to think anything further about any provocative images and 2) I dont my wife to think that im thinking about the provocatively dressed woman etc.

Reading my wifes e-mail back to myself every still has the same effect to me the day I first read it, but I am turning this e-mail into a motivator, and it really is motivating me to be a good sincere and genuine man. Yes a man, because with P, you are not a real man. and you do not know what real Women are either.

If my wife decided not to seek help from here, she would have left me, and I would still be blaming her, and carrying on with my life, and then what would happen? would i ruin someone elses life with my dark secrets!

Would I have actually lost my daughter and wife to P. 1 wrong decision...BANG its all gone. I the industry for what it nearly did to me, and i am so upset reading how many couples this is affecting. and we are only seeing a small percentage which actually stumble on this site.

I am not a great practicer in religeon, But I am do beleive in God, and I do beleive everything happens for a reason. This was a huge shake up to me, and I needed it, any other way, I would have been blind to my wifes hurt.

So while i started this post with a opening sentence of 2 weeks P and MB free, I will close this post, with the more deserved and rewarding line for me..... 2 more weeks marriage! and 2 more weeks as a Dad.

Thank you to all again, and especially Inshi.

[Light]

FM, you and your wife's story is really inspiring and I am so glad that I was here to witness it unfold. In the coming months you guys will bring a lot of hope to people who discover this site and I hope you are still actively participating, because there is nothing more helpful than your example.

Congrats to you! Keep up the good work, and stay strong, there is a lot to live for outside of porn. In fact, the longer I am away from it, even the simple things keep getting more sweet...the spark of life is returning :)

I wish you guys all the best.

[FoolishMind]

Thank you for your usual kind words Light. I feel I owe a lot to this site, as it was the advice of you guys, that really helped Inshi, to help me. Things are getting much better at home, but I CHOSE not to forget what i have done. So yes I will be on this site as much as possible, and definatley where I can offer my support and hopefully some good advice based on my own experiences. Thank you again.

[FoolishMind]

Feeling sad today, I am being really strong inside, turning away from anything remotely provocative that could potentially get that monster in my head ticking.

Last few days reading new members posts in the forum, gets me really sad. I chose to not forget what I have done to my wife and how much I have hurt her, but reading other members posts, and how they are hurting there partners....(sigh) its really hard to bear, and the hurt that I feel is such a small fraction as to what my wife has been going through.

As a recovering PA, I can honestly say, if the P doesn't kill you and your life, Your guilt will. I admire all the guys who are coming to this site early on in there twenties, I wish I had the maturity to acknowledge this problem before i hurt anyone.

Anyway, just a random posting of my feelings for my journal :(

[FoolishMind]

Last night I had a big fight in my head, first time actually in these 2 and half weeks now. Came back home late and to pretty much within a couple of hours went to bed. My wife was tired so she was fell asleep really quick. These thoughts and images started to pop in my head, and it was horrible, I was desperatley trying to think of anything but that, cars, flowers, beaches, but whatever I did, these images kept overpowering what i wanted to think about. It was trully horrible. I just wanted to cry.

Honestly, these 2 weeks, have been great in retrospect, I feel so free, I am completley true to myself. cos realistically as a PA, you not only lie to your loved ones, but you do lie to yourself, by blocking out the real thoughts making yourself beleive P is ok. It is SO NOT OK.

I was tossing and turning for hours, and honestly all I had on my mind was ! I wanted to turn to my wife, but thought that was wrong, and felt more disgusted with myself.

These last two weeks, I have kept myself a lot busier at work, and have generally been more productive. I have also been focusing on my weight recently, and been keen to shed a few more pounds so really taking time and reading up on calories and healthy eating, which is great, as this has been another focus away from P. I do feel i need to incorporate some sort of physical excersise though, and get some buzzes and endorphins from other areas.

I will think of something and let you know.

But I thought I should report yesterday I won a big fight in my head. I expect that more will come, but as I win more and more battles, the strength of my anti army will overpower and conquer my head! and let love prevail!

[Light]

I don't have much time to post here these days, but I still read these boards almost every day before I get started, because I feel like it gives me a little "boost" and reading the stories reminds me not to let my guard down and slip up.

FM, you are doing a great job and I think soon you will be in a place where it gets even easier and the temptations will continue to pose less and less of a problem (but that's when you must be extra vigilant!). I am really proud of your progress and find it inspiring myself.

The reality about this addiction is that instead of building us up, it tears us down, and takes our friends and family with it. We are left empty shells of our former selves. So I'm glad to hear that you are exercising, working on your relationship, etc. I get sad when I think about all the time I wasted searching for "something" in pornography and masturbation. I never found that thing. But looking forward, I am encouraged that I could live the rest of my life in a way that is much more rewarding for myself and for others.

I realize now that Pornography, while it seems harmless and fun when you are just getting into it, is one of the most selfish and self destructive things a person can be involved in. But unfortunately, most people don't realize it until it's too late.

Keep going FM, we're in it for the long haul here :)

[FoolishMind]

27 days and going strong! :D

Is it easy? at first no.

Is it getting easier? most definatley, because the benefits are starting to become obvious.

Is it plain sailing from here? Definatley not. I face temptation everyday, everywhere you look, past images still floating around in your head, although some are starting to blur and fade now.

So how can I keep strong? Focus! Focus on what you have done, and understand there was no real benefit. Focus, on the hurt you have caused yourself and others. Focus on other activities in life. Focus on what you want to achieve in the rest of your life. Focus on not giving in and being strong when you are at your weakest.

Will the thoughts ever dissapear? I dont know. But I am going to focus on creating better memories for my wife, to hopefully allow her to push the bad ones out of her mind.

Am I still disgusting? No, I am a good person at heart, like many of the other people who suffer from PA. It is the PA that blocks your senses from real life and loved ones. It may not kill your health, But happiness and wealth it just might do.

In the first few weeks, after acknowledging my problem, and being completley open and honest with myself, my wife and everyone on this forum, I feel far more at ease with myself.

My wife made a comment that it is like im a new man, she has never seen before. This hurt me, so who have i been the last 5 years of marriage?

Could it really be this obvious? I havent noticed a difference in my character.
But anaylsing it further, I think shes right, Im a lot calmer and relaxed, have a lot more time, and feel less frustrated. I am seeing my wife in a completley new light, im admiring her more and more. How could P have blinded me so much.

I wish everyone who is on the same journey as me, some further ahead, some just starting out, the very best of strength and will, to overcome this.

I am on this site virtually daily, to never let myself forget, so i will always be open for questions and hopefully offer some form of support.

Looking forward to a new life ;)