The truth is painful - but required

[FoolishMind]

Very very quick post:-

Pressure at work is really high at the moment, and feeling very stressed. Feel like I dont have much time in the day anymore. Im also on these no smoking tablets which has significantly reduced my consumption but, the adverse affect is that is has made me feel very lethargic at times and wide awake at odd hours in the middle of the night.

I have to admit there have been the odd occasion I would break into a small cold sweat, as i hear that voice emerge in my head again, telling me to ease my stress in a non productive manner. But thankfully have managed to keep that at bay, and divert my attention to a game and shockingly in a few days ago religeon. Which made me feel really good after aswell.

On an amazing note, i just checked out the Sobriety calculator to make me feel better and Boy did it! 225 days P & MB free equates to 7 months and 2 weeks!!

Anyway, I think I will be back on top of things shortly, then i get get posting all over this place again :) (much to somes annoyance)

Take Care all, and wanted to make a special note to Lucky Man and Storm, as communicating with them and reading their story so far, Has really lifted me. I sincerely thank you both for that.

Missing my friend Dominus too :((

FM

[FoolishMind]

Was a little reluctant to posting today, as I dont want to upset my wife, but i thought as always I should be honest and share how things are going.

Previously as a full on PA, whenever I went out with friends or for a work occasion, these were the times that my wife let all those feeling build up inside her. She did not like being home alone, and she always just went through the computer to basically see if I had been up to no good. Through everything I had done in my past, I understood this was still a sore topic and she doesnt like the thought of being home alone especially at night. So Since January of this year I have not gone out without her.

One occasion arose yesterday where a member of my team was leaving the company, so i tried to start making excuses why I couldn't not make it etc, But they all made me feel really guilty, so Asked my wife if it would be ok, She said yes, but of course I could sense she resented the idea.

So I decided to just send this person a text/SMS and say i couldn't make it.

I told my wife to not worry about it, because i wasnt going, and I knew she was thinking that I may have thought about this other person (female) in an untoward way, as she said "i know you are fond of her" again, i could read what she really meant (which riled me a little, but chose to just let it fly). So yeah, I just took a deep breath and said dont care, Me and you will go out for dinner tonight instead. I felt good about it, in the back of my head was a little upset, thinking i have come a long way, but again 7 months versus 5 years is nothing.

Today at work, is not very nice, Im being treated like a completed idiot. So im fighting that of with a couldnt care less attitude. I said sorry, and things came up etc, but as far as im concerned it will be forgotten by the weekend. At the end of the day, I would rather upset or annoy anyone else if it keep my relationship with my wife sound.

There thats it...writing it out like that, makes it feel like nothing, yet I had all these blugh feelings inside me.

Leave it as that, Wish you all a wonderful weekend.

FM

[Vorlan]

Sounds like a pretty tough descision as to whether to go or not but I think you did the right thing dude. Your wife has got to come first. I'm sure you're right and they'll have forgotton the whole thing by the weekend.

Good to see you're still going stong! Your a HUGE inspiration for me.

Best wishes,

Ben

[Lucky Man]

Keep your head up buddy I believe you made the right choice. I think that our focus needs to be on our wives, and it sounds like you are in tune with her feelings. I’m sure she was happy with your decision to take her to dinner, and understands that it probably created an uncomfortable situation for you at work. But as you and Vorlan both stated, I too believe this will soon be forgotten by your co-workers. And with your continued vigilance your 7 months with turn into one year, then two…..honesty, focus, and time should heal all wounds. I hope that you understand what an inspiration you are to so many people, me included. Have yourself a great week-end and good job posting, it sounds like it was tough, but worth it….KUDOS! Stay focused, stay strong-LM

[bodget1974]

i totally agree, wifes and partners should come first no matter what, we need to prove our selves again.. you did the right thing FM,i admire your handling of the situation.

i have an idea for the september challenge, on the wifes, and partners theme... we all have to make our wifes, girlfiends, partners...feel special at least once a week, for the whole of september..

B

[Storm]

Dear Friend,

I am responding to the question you asked of an SO about how long the images remain for us. I have thought long and hard about this over the weekend. At first I thought I had no answer as I have not been in this position as long as you and Inshi – but tonight, something struck me that may be pertinent to your question. So here goes . . .

I’m not sure it’s the past images of what you guys looked at as much as the images that present themselves daily – on tv, in real life, in magazines, etc. I find myself becoming uncomfortable when I’m with LM and other women (be those women in real life or on tv). I catch myself wondering if he is attracted to her – and why. Before this happened to us I never felt self conscious about other women. Now everything and everyone we see makes me wonder if he is secretly attracted to whatever female happens to be around.

We were watching the Olympics tonight and I actually got embarrassed – and mad. He did nothing wrong. I wondered if he found a certain female swimmer or gymnast attractive – he showed no outward signs of it. I became terribly uncomfortable and scared and lonely and mad. The total lack of confidence this situation has brought to me is unfathomable and embarrassing. I feel so vulnerable.

To sum up – it is not so much the past images haunting me but the reality that my husband can be attracted enough to other people that he would betray our vows. And that knowledge puts every fiber of being on high alert. I hope with time I will regain the confidence I once had and stop being so paranoid of every other female. Until then I can only pray that LM gives me the patience and understanding I am so desperately trying to give him.

Storm

[FoolishMind]

Thank You Storm for giving that some real thought. That explanation has made things very clear for me, and I think many SO's including my wife will relate to exactly as you have explained.

Now, While what you have explained does not come as a massive shock, as I suppose deep down I do know this, as it was me that has knocked her confidence. For my specific situation, I have changed a heck of a lot of things, and that has required serious strength of mind at times, but I gain that strength from knowing that my wife has been through so much more. Yet sometimes, Just sometimes, when you feel your doing so much, and just seems never enough, and that (no matter how small) can seem like a smack in the face.

I am in know way saying this is an equal feeling, as Im sure Ive given out more smacks in the face tby breaking promises to my wife than I have received.

So whats my point? Based on what you have explained, What should a recovering PA do?

Extreme measures could be to cut oneself of from all media, TV, magazines and to be honest just go blind.

Or Secondly..... infact I really dont know. If I say anything remotley that sounds like I feel sorry for myself, it just doesnt rub with what SOs have been going through.

Perhaps I should have been blind!

[Inshi]

Good post Storm. I know exactly how you feel and trust me I feel the same way.
Regd. how long the images remain in us, I really hope not long but the images I saw 5 years ago( when I first saw the stuff on FMs laptop) are still pretty clear in my head.So I guess it takes over 5-6 years to clear, dont know how long. I just hope and pray it doesnt take for ever, cos it seems to alter my moods from time to time, which is pretty crap.
Weekend tv is pretty crap in UK, so we usually get hold of one programme and kinda look forward to it. I used to love watching X'Factor ( British version of American Idol, I think), pretty sad I know, but i quite enjoy it and so does FM. Anyways this year,I told him Iam not watching it and he asked me twice if we are watching and I was like no, but u can if u want, which annoyed him. Anyway I felt so so crap that I cudnt actually watch something I want and enjoy cos of my stupid head. The reason I didnt wanna watch it was cos of 2 female judges on that program. I know that FM looked up for images of them on the net and I really cudnt watch the program without thinking of this.I hate those 2 women, for no fault of their own. But I cant help myself from disliking them and many others.
I dont how long this will carry on. I just hate it..
And everytime he talks about some women at his work place , all I can think of is ,the way his mind wud have worked back then.I know he is a changed man and is not like that anymore but I really cant stop myself. And when he says, there is some work do, all I can think of is how he is gonna be with all of them and if he will get those thoughts again. Thankfully, he hasnt been to any work dos recently, respecting me, which Iam very thankful for, but I feel rotten, for feeling this way and stopping him from going to these things.

This weekends been pretty rotten cos I was in a bad mood. Had all these past images in my head and cudnt get them out. So I was very quiet at home and wasnt much fun to be around. So I guess by being this I kinda ruined FMs weekend as well. Iam really sorry for that.

So just hope these images fade away as soon as poss, cos its getting too freaking annoying now!

I love you FM and am so proud of you! Sorry for messing the weekend :-<

[FoolishMind]

No problem Inshi, understand. But this is the first time in 7+ months we have not been open about something. You just need to tell me, I have listened to everything ive done, and it kills me, but I stand there and take it, because it helps you to get it out, and for me to acknowledge and understand.

So i think this is a serious issue that needs to be discussed with all those in a relationship. Because this weekend I did have real feelings of resentment, and it shouldnt be like that. I know it sounds silly, But its like a if someone does something good, or makes a positive change, you want that little bit of praise, you want to know its helping. So in this case, You have done exactly that, and have supported me immensely, But I think all partners and PA's with a partner need to address this issue, as I see it as a major stumbling block. Some SO's saying they dont remember the images and its more the media, and you say you do remember the images, so there will be obvious differences hear. I would welcome an SO to start a thread on this and see if we can get some help / advice / tips to resolve or make this easier, as I see this a crucial part of an SOs journey that will definatley affect a PA's.

Thanks again

FM

[FairyG]

Thanks FM and Inshi for reminding us to communicate - seems we're on a similarly-timed wavelength, as my husband and I have had a couple of "grumpy moment" reminders lately to keep communicating, too. And thanks also to Storm, for admirably putting into words what many of us struggle to explain to our partners! :)