My Struggle - HalfPint

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

HP, it's true. Everything everyone has said.

I just finished reading through this entire thread, one by one, in order. You know how sometimes you allow yourself to count on something? You set yourself up to rise or fall based on the outcome of a situation over which you have no control. It's usually a mistake, but sometimes you can't help it. Well, when I read your first post, and your experiences and thoughts, I thought, "I have to know if he's made it to now. I just have to." And I just sat in complete suspense as I read through all of the posts. As you got further and further, I kept dreading that you would fall, that you would slip up, that your next post would say, "Today was a terrible day, but I'm going to start again...." To see that post would be so difficult to bear--much more difficult for you to say, I know, but my point is that your success DOES built up the strength and resolve of others. Not that that hasn't been made clear by so many others at this point, but let me echo them.

You're an inspiration to me because our stories are similar. I can say almost all of the same things you have said. I've been mired for a similar number of years, am in college, and have never made it past 3 months. You have a faith in God that resonates powerfully with me, and I am inspired by your admission that it is his strength, and not your own, that has helped you come so far. I find that I fall, after great success, when I begin to feel that that success is my own.

Thank you for being strong, HP. I will do everything I can to follow in your steps.

[HalfPint]

Thank you guys for the posts, again, Icant say enough to thank you for the encouraging posts. time and time again the people of this forum never fail to lift my spirits, no mater how high they may be.

today marks 105th day.

[HalfPint]

So yea, Today was kinda hard. I don't know if its the stress from finals coming up and me trying to get my grades up in astronomy (not doing too well) or what, but I have felt real tense lately. I have been close to deciding to masturbate and I know that if I do that, that it will just go down hill, and I need to stay strong so I'm not going to do it. I can definitely feel a strength holding me back that I didn't have before. Before I wouldn't have taken a second thought about it but now, I come here, see what people have said and write something on someones journal or post in my own or both, whatever lol. I Just know that the sexual tension is building in me and I hope it goes away because its slightly uncomfortable. I used to just go ahead and look at porn and what not before when I felt like this, and this time I'm actually trying and its hard. I'm sure that once I get this stress under control I will be able to shove the feelings aside and be able to control them a bit more but yea, school . . . good times.

[Light]

I feel bad for not posting for a while, I've been a lurker here lately and not doing much to contribute, but Half Pint, when I see you are in distress, I have to step up!

Look at that ticker you have, and all the days under your belt, the freedom and strength that you have...is it really worth trading all that for something that will make you feel depressed, frustrated, and defeated? You've made so much progress man, don't do it! I am transmitting over the internets my strength to you so you will not do something you regret, can you feel it? :)

Please go workout, run around the block, whatever it takes, but don't go back down that road! If you are feeling tempted it might be a good idea to do your studying and schoolwork in the library or another public place, or get a study group or partner you could hang out with. Good luck man, stay strong!

[castaway16]

Hey HP .. I'd been extremely busy so couldn't log on .. now, here goes my first come-back post :D :

Listen dude .. the progress you've done, like light said, can't by any means be traded with something nasty ,, so briefly.. just go do any kind of sports.. and seriously, you've to do smoething that you really love to be able to get this excessive energy out of your body ..

And frankly, I think about it this way ; I would, willingly, accept any drawbacks implied by me overcoming the temptations .. even if it meant a worse grade than I want ..

you know what ? when I was studying for my last exam in my mid-terms .. I was struggling to focus on my studies.. but I couldn't .. i had hated this subject , yet i was really anxious because I had to study for the exam ..

Before, I would've resorted to P then MB soooo easily on such situation.. but this time, I thought, "NO" .. and i kept trying till the last minute ..

what next? i didn't finish half of the required material and consequently did bad in the exam .. but I'm happy with it ! screw the exam ! I can deal with that and I will make up later on !! .. I just can't take relapsing again and falling back to this recursive process ..


Last .. I want to emphasize how important it's for ou now to exert great effort .. go play football, basketball .. go swimming .. anything you like .. just make sure you keep doing it till you're REALLY TIRED ..an I guarantee you it will benefit even later on..

Good Luck man .. Keep going!

[HalfPint]

You know, I'm starting to see patterns, and no its not because I'm high or anything like that lol. It seems that when I start to stray away from my journal and start posting on others more, that I start focusing on encouraging others and I stop thinking about my own happiness. Perhaps thats one reason I've been down lately. I'm sure another reason is because of the stress from this being one of the last 3 weeks of classes at college.

I guess a combination of the two have really made me start posting here again. I know this morning I someone "forced" an "emission". I didn't masturbate or look at porn but I allowed, and some could say "forced" images into my mind to make myself "release", I guess I did it with the notion that it would help me again with the sexual tension because it was starting to get bad again, and it did. I haven't been wanting to look at porn any more, but I should have let it occur naturally, which kind of made me a little more depressed again.

I thank you guys for trying to encourage me, it has been helping. I may not be posting as much for a little while due to this being really close to finals. I have some finals next week and I have the rest of my finals the week after. (just fyi), but I will try to post as much as I can.

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

First of all, I'm really glad you're still doing so well, and that you've made it so far. Surely, you are one of the primary inspirations to the rest of us here.

It's about right that you'd have difficulty at this point, though, I think. You're right around three months, and you're going to struggle. I would beg you to be more careful at this point than you have ever been.

You've probably already realized this, but anything that ends up making you feel depressed is something you should stridently avoid. Our minds have a way of tricking us into thinking we need something that we don't. You're subconscious may be reeling with addictive patterns, and you wouldn't really notice it except for, perhaps, an idea that you could release a little of the tension by, as you call it, "forcing an emission." I wouldn't say that, having done that, you've somehow failed, but instead that you may have given strength to the addiction that you didn't intend.

I give this warning because it was right around or after 3 months (I don't know because I never kept track beyond a few weeks--which is one of the things I plan to change), I would think to myself that it was OK to indulge in a little fantasizing (still with absolute revulsion to the idea of actually using pornography). Really, this was like noticing a small flame and deciding to give it some fuel to satisfy it in hopes that it would go away. When the sexual tension builds, it is a fallacy that we will be able to make it go away by answering its demands.

My suggestion is to get out of the house. Take a walk (we're at the most beautiful time of year). Exercise. Call someone. Deny your sexuality any outlet because giving in at all is a little like putting a small hole in a dam.

My experience is limited, but I'm certain that being in an active, healthy relationship with a spouse is not something that will encourage the use of pornography, whereas a personal "release of tension" most certainly will.

Sorry for the lengthy post, but I had to jump in and share the hard-won wisdom I've gained over the course of my struggles with this awful problem. Good luck and God speed.

[dave42]

Hang in there, Half Pint. All these end of the semester stresses are hard. You are going to make it! All the best, Dave

[HalfPint]

Yea, I used to smoke cigars, that used to help relieve the stress during these times, but I quit that like a year ago, and I haven't had a craving for them until this week (if that says anything about the level of stress I'm having right now). I work in the computer lab at my college to (the main one at least) and I'm having to help other people as well. People who procrastinated, people who didn't care and are regretting it now. Arg . . . oh well. I'm still going clean, I've been glancing at women lately, which I know I shouldn't, thats another way that I can tell that I'm getting stressed. I feel quite good tonight though, weather was beautiful for the first time in a long time and I was able to drive home with the windows down, hair blowin and radio cranked, got to hear some of my favorite songs, that really encouraged me as well. And I got paid and was able to fill up my dads tank of gas, which is also encouraging as well. Anyways, thank you for the encouragement.

[HalfPint]

Well . . . I almost slipped today. I've been getting spam in my inbox and while trying to report some of it as phishing and contemplating reporting some of the websites that are linked in the e-mails to their hosts for them supporting this spam I started reading one of the sites and it had some text that I know I shouldn't have been reading. It wasn't porn but it almost made me go to porn, so I came here instead. I'm glad that I did, the stress lately has been getting worse and worse and coming here shows that I still have enough strength to say no, which right now I'm feeling just how hard it is to say no. Especially seeing as I've made it 3 months 23 days. I don't want to slip up now, I need to remember to keep going forward and to stay strong, exactly what I've been telling everyone. Its getting hard though.