My Struggle - HalfPint

[HalfPint]

well . . . I feel similar to the first day that I joined here. Desperate, tired, and in need of help. The last 2 days (Sunday and Monday) I, for 3 - 5 hours each day watched porn and masturbated. I masturbated tonight to the point of testicular pain, as described that I had before. I'm having some other slight problems that I "dedicate" to masturbating too much, and I don't know what to think about it. Maybe one of the "elder" people of the forum who may know a little bit more about the "male system" would be willing to talk to me about it on here (if there is someone who knows more about it) and give me and idea of what I should do.

I really want to give my life to God right now, and I want to give up this porn and masturbation, like I did once before. I really want to be encouraged, be encouraging, be hopeful, be excited, and I'm really, REALLY going to try to. I've been uber depressed this weekend and last week due to that ticket I got, I almost couldn't afford college because of it, and due to my financial status have had one heck of an emotional roller coaster.

I feel the strength in my neck lifting my head up now, and hopefully, just hopefully, I'll see the light and keep looking (and no, I'm not dieing :P)

[FoolishMind]

Ok HP, Time to wake up and smell the coffee ~o)!

At the time of typing this now, you have 26 pages to your journal with over 250 posts, and it has been viewed over 3600 times!

Out of those 26 pages, From page 12 onwards it is about slipping up.

Go back to page 9, this is where is started to go wrong for you. You started to get curious again, you started to make excuses "im stressed", "Im tired", "I have financial problems" I dont need to tell you all these excuses are already documented in the newbie area.

From page 9 in your journal you started to say you forced images into your head, you then started to MB, you then did blind searches on the net! I mean as a long standing member hear can you see the usual patterns emerging here?

I have tried and tried to point this out, but you keep batting me back man, you say, "oh I can get round that filter its easy etc etc" Im sure you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it. But why not put your mind to NOT giving in!

26 pages HP, and a lot of members put you on a pedestal here, Not that you owe anything to anyone but yourself, but for sheer self pride and respect, you need to do something to turn it around.

I mentioned before, you signature quoting what Alfred says to Batman "Why do we fall?, So we can learn to pick ourselves up"

Serioulsy HP, I think you learned alot, but how much of what you have learned are you actually putting into affect?

You say you want to give your life to God, You need to take one step towards him, and he will several towards you.

Again you say you want to give up P, But your actually not giving up anything at all! You are the definatley let yourself get blinded again and I strongly urge you to reread your journal, make a strategy, or if you have, post it up on here.

If of course I am being to blunt and you think I havent a clue what im talking about, Then please say so, and I assure you I will not enter into this topic with you again. I genuinley care, which is why I cant sit back, and say "Wohooo Well done HP" when i dont think youve actually done anything as yet. Whereas you of all people will know, I am the first one to jump in and write you a huge congratulatory post when you do do something amazing. See Pages 1 to 7 of your journal if youve forgotten the momentous acheivments you made.

I will leave it as that.

FM

[HalfPint]

thank you fm, you have been there for me in times of need and in high times. Always there to "kick my butt" if i need it. And yes, I have known for a while that I have needed it, and I know I need to do more than just try. Yoda once said, there is no try, just do or do not, and I have been in the "do not" category for some time now. I'm ashamed of it, I have felt like a failure countless times in the last 15 pages, and to put it bluntly, part of my problem was, I just didn't want to face the truth. The truth is ugly, and its something that rarely anybody wants to listen to.

I didn't want to listen to it, and since my last post, I've made the choice to listen to it and to use my strength to get back up again. I just haven't wanted to deal with it. All the other excuses just gave me ways to not deal with it. I do need to deal with it, I know that, and I'm going to deal with it. I need to "do". Trust me FM, I want this struggle to no longer be a struggle, I want it to be a victory. I feel quite ashamed that the last 15 pages have been what they have been. I wish I could say that they were 15 pages of victory instead of defeat. But, I'm determined to start making more pages of victory.

[FoolishMind]

For your complete honesty in that post, My faith still stands by you. 100% respect to you. You have friends and help here, dont be afraid to use it.

High 5!

FM

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

Hey HP. Remember me? Haha. I've been sort of a ghost around here for a while. I post every once in a while, but I'm definitely not as dedicated a contributor as many of the other stalwarts here. But I follow your journal. It's very important to me. I know I'm not the only one, but I can only speak for me: seeing you succeed is one of my greatest hopes. We're around the same age and seem to be in similar stages of life. I watched you when you were higher than a kite, and it was awesome. Now I'm watching you pick yourself up out of the mud, and all I can think is that I desperately want you to remember what it was like to fly.

I'm doing fairly well right now, and so I hope that I what I say will be worth a little more because of it. I was in your shoes (in my own way) one month ago today. I couldn't shake it. It was catching up to me, and every time I turned around, I was neck deep in my addiction again. Finally, I took a good, long, painful look at what was going on, and you know what? I figured some things out.

You really have to take this minute-by-minute. You have to take inventory of your thoughts and actions every couple of hours. You have to pray (I know you're a praying man) multiple times every day. You have to stare, determinedly, into the face of your addiction and fully recognize exactly what it is you're doing and have done.

It's all very difficult and emotionally draining, but in a way that is totally unlike the emotional drain of the addiction. Every time I stand up and wipe off my tear streaked face, I feel a little bit better, a little bit stronger, a little bit more dogged in my commitment, and a little bit (this is the most important part) farther away from the self that I hate so much.

I cried almost every day for a week. It was the best week I'd had in months. It hurts, but not like a relapse hurts. Relapses kill your spirit. Remorse of conscious cleans out your system. Allowing yourself to grieve, and letting that grief fuel your motivation for permanent change--that's what really gives you the power to beat this thing on a day by day basis.

It's only been a month, but by God, I'm not going to let that change anything. Every day is day one. Every day I have to realize that I've been blessed by not succumbing to filth. Many days I have to admit that I wasn't quite as strong as I could have been, and I still need to change many of my behaviors. The whole thing is hard and long and exhausting, but I feel better every day. I'm happy again when I go to bed, and I look forward to going out and living my life (the good and the bad) when I wake up.

It's so worth it, HP. You know it and I know it. Now just get through this one day. Get through it all the way. Give it absolutely everything you've got. We're right here behind you.

AE

[HalfPint]

well . . . I've been quite absent, haven't I? I've been trying really hard to stay strong, and I've done quite a bit better than I had been. every day since my last post I've been clean. I did mess up about an hour ago, and I feel like crap for doing it. I'm going to get up, try harder, and keep going I guess.

I'm going to try to keep coming in more often, but I've been quite busy at work/school replacing computers and such. I've been working extra hours too, so yea. I'll try to come in as much as possible.

[HalfPint]

I feel like such an idiot, like a fool. I fell, yet again, to the temptations >_<. I WILL try harder, I WILL succeed . . . I NEED to be done with this, I cannot do this anymore for every reason there is. ~X(I'm just so confused. How did I go from being so strong to being so stupid. I don't know, this is just really pissing me off, I really REALLY want this to be over.

[Daniel]

I feel your pain HP. Hang tough. Back to the minutes. One minute at a time.

[futurehope]

Sounds like you need a fresh start. From your earlier posts, it sounds like you are a christian... can you draw on your christian community so that you can make some sort of atonement, and vow to return to your spiritual practice? Can you talk to your spiritual leader....priest...(sorry, I am a buddhist and don't know the terminology), and discuss this issue? I did this with my zen teacher, and found it helpful. I was quite nervous about telling him about my problem with P, but he was quite matter of fact about it, and said if it was really addictive for me it might be best to stay away from it.

I like the idea and practice of atonement. The word literally means at-one-ment. Becoming at one with something (I thought that was made up when I read it, but that's really how the word evolved). I think when you atone you really own what you have done...which can be upsetting, but it's a sort of letting go. I think the word can have some connotations of being guilty and being punished, but I see it more as just really acknowledging what I have been doing, feeling what I feel about it, and then being able to let go and have a fresh start.

[brokensoul]

halfpint
just wish to say
you can beat this
i've read your journals
i see that you can beat this