My Struggle - HalfPint

[jimmy78]

Hey HP,

Chin up, my friend! You're an inspiration to us all here... you're frankly one of the reasons that i had the courage to make my first post. You tell it like it is, and I think that makes it easier for the newbies here that might not know what to say or how to say it.

We're all here for you! And, I KNOW you will do it. Keep charging strong! :)

Jimmy

[HalfPint]

you know, I know that I will get going too, but its just hard once you fall flat on your face. I did look at porn again this morning and it sucks. I was kind of brought down by the fact that foolish is so far, and i used to be ahead of him, if I didn't stumble that once I would still be lol. I just have to keep pushing forward and eventually I'm going to make it, I just have to keep getting stronger and keep pushing.

[FoolishMind]

Hey HP, dont benchmark yourself against others theres honestly no need. Just be clear on what your specific goal is.

Your footnote, "Why do we fall? So that we might learn to pick ourselves up" has a fatal flaw.

the word "MIGHT". Again, i refer to positivity. clarity in your mindset as to why you are on this journey.

If you fall once, and you dont make any changes to prevent that same fall happening again, it will innevitably happen again.

Take away the "mights, maybe's, perhaps, hope so's, and try's"

Replace them with simple and clear positivity.

Everytime I get weak HP, and beleive me, I get weak quite often at times, I go through the letter Inshi wrote me, I question myself, why I am on this journey, and is it worth looking at P for even a minute"

After 2 / 3 minutes of contemplation on this, I am so thankful I always revert to the best decision i ever made at the beggining of this year.

Take a walk back a few months my friend, and readdress why you are here, why you want to do this, and reestablish your focus.

HalfPint, are you half full? or half empty? be clear dude.

Wish you the best
FM

[HalfPint]

yea, well . . . I looked at porn, again, today. Twice in one day, this is the worse that its been since I quit. I really need to work on this. I think part of my problem is that I start worrying about some of the stuff and then that leads me to thinking about it and wanting it more and more. I know the reasons I want to quit and I'm passionate about it, its just, it seems like my strength is gone and I don't know where it went. I don't know how how to get it back, I don't know anything right now.

I'm trying to stay positive, even though this post really isn't, but I'm trying to keep my strength up and I have to keep my chin up, its just right now I feel like a failure.

[castaway16]

Hey HP, Thanks for your post in my journal, you're quite an encouragement !

second, You were doing just fine, so don't let this relapse let you down and lead to another one. Sometimes I lose focus, and don't know why I decided to wuit. But I then tell myself, I want to quit even if I lacked reasons, why ?.. because I KNOW I'm sick of this, maybe I don't have this powerful feeling at that certain moment, but I know that sooner or later, this disgust will be back. And when it does, I want to be thankful that I stayed strong in the moments of weaknesses rather than regret a relapse.

Keep moving forward HP, believe me, getting back up maybe much easier than you think ! :)

Take care !

[HalfPint]

Thanks guys, you all rock. You guys are there for me, and your willing to let me lean on you if I need to, and I've needed to, so thank you guys. I've gotten a bit better since my previous post, I feel a little more determined, and I feel less depressed about it all. I'm wanting to quit now for another reason. Theres this girl I want to ask out :). Shes beautiful, she believes things similar to what I believe, and she's amazing, not to mention she has blue eyes and I'm a sucker for blue eyes. anyways, I'm promising myself that from now on I'll try harder, no mater what it takes, I need to fight this, I need to overcome it, I need to be the winner. I NEED! Theres no other way, I have got to stop.

Okay foolish, heres for you:

List of triggers:
Bordom
Worrying about being found/worrying about my usage
letting my mind wander
magazines/catalogs in the trash that need to stay in the trash

:Those are some of my triggers, I need to try to stay away from them. If it means I have to wake up early on the days I have nothing and start running, then so be it. I'm busy this friday saturday and sunday, so I'm looking forward to a good week. Tomorrow and thursday I work as well, so this will be my chance. I'm going to make out a list of things I need to do, and workout is going to be on that list every day that I can, and on the days I'm free I'm going to go to some stairs and work out there too. I'm going to make a plan this time, I'm going to list things that I need to quit for, and I need to look at them every freeking day as if my life depended on it. I'm sick and tired of this, and it needs to end, NOW.

[HalfPint]

since my last post I've been 100% clean. the 2nd I was, the 3rd I was, and the 4th I was. 3 days, and I'm starting on the 4th. I'm maintaining focus, I'm trying to hone in on my strength and trying to enhance it, and so far, it seems to be working. Just keep pulling for me.

*also, my apologies for being absent. I've been uber busy and I expect that I'm not going to be able to come in the next few days, maybe for a week or so, because some things at work are just starting to pick up.

[tipple.downs]

Fantastic, keep at it because you can certainly beat it.

It sounds like when you experience a trigger you probably go though a few minutes to a few hours of thinking about looking at porn before you actually do it. Probably you're telling yourself that you're not strong enough to stop the urge this time so what's the point in fighting it.

This is just the addiction talking. Actually, if you don't listen to that little voice then you may find that you are strong enough to fight off the urge. You just have to remember that you'll really gain nothing from letting the urge beat you. You'll just end up feeling like crap. And I know you remember how good it felt when you were going strong, if you don't, read your journal!

[Cobalt]

Hey my friend, hope things are goin' allright for you.

-Cobalt

[HalfPint]

yesterday I stayed clean, and today I stayed clean. I'm getting stronger, and I'm staying focused. I'm feeling more positive and happier, especially seeing as I'm seeing that I still do have the strength to be the one in control. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, they've been a big help to me.

Also, for all of you who are christians that may read this, theres a song that I've been listening to lately and its really speaking to me. Its by the band "Group 1 Crew" and the name of the song is "Forgiven"

Here are the lyrics:
Father, I'm going through some heavy things
It seems like this world ain't getting any better
The more we try to get closer to You
The farther we run from Your throne

I've spent so many nights wonderin' when will it end
When will the day come when happiness begins
I'm running the race but it seems too hard to win
I'm sick of mourning my stomach is throwing up in the morning

I'm calling for help and watching it melt away
My heart's been put on display and put away
In many ways, many times I told myself it was ok
And anger was the price that was paid
While these faded dreams just screamed to bring them home

The burden was too heavy I kept running from the throne
I can't take it any longer
I can taste my spirit hunger
God please help me get home

Chorus:
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath
I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left, Lord please
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath
I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left

I've come to terms that I'm burning both sides of the rope
And I'm hoping that self-control would kick in before I'm choking off
The sin that be destroying every fiber I got
I need the Lord in every way I'll never make it I'm not
Going back to the way I was before Christ in my life
I couldn't do it I would lose it there's no point to the fight
And I'm writing this song, for the people who don't belong
I pray away the pain you feel from all the things that went wrong
Inside a life that's filled with anger and disappointment
Cause daddy treated you weaker than all of the other kids
It's annoying and I feel for all of you who wanna give up
You feel stuck I feel the same way Lord help us stay up
You couldn't pay me to abandon the idea of true hope
That I could make it through this life into a place where there's no crying
I'm dying to find You with open arms when I go
Knowing You love me and You waiting to give rest to my soul

(chorus)

Lord I don't know what I'm struggling for
There's got to be more
Than this life I know
But still I'm here fighting to never give up
I find strength in Your love
And You will see me through

(chorus)