My Struggle - HalfPint

[HalfPint]

Well . . . I got through yesterday just fine. I managed to fight back the urges, Praise God. Today went fairly decently. I have been able to sit around home and just not think about stuff. I was able to play some of my games, listen to a hole bunch of music, watch some tv and eat food. It makes me quite happy to say that there aren't other activities that I should put in there, because there wasn't anything else that I did today. Quite a satisfactory day, I would say, especially after my first 2 days back to College. Yippy. I had a small period where I was thinking about stuff, but I guess I just let it slip my mind, and I just let it go. Letting it go really helped keep me from thinking more into the subject. By the end of the day, if I succeed, which I have no doubts, I will have made it 16 days, which now that I can say 2 weeks, and seeing as 2 weeks just sounds beautiful to me, I'm going to say 2 weeks and 2 days :). Praise God for that as well. I've NEVER made it this long, and man, I'm getting that feeling inside me like I'm just geting more and more excited that I'm starting to get through this. With help from you guys, thank you ALL so very much, and most my help coming from God, I'm getting through this. Lets just see if we cant make it another day.

One thing I would like to add is this. One problem I believe I was having at first is this: Take it DAY BY DAY. I was saying "okay, I'm going to go a week without" and also I was praying "God, help me with this week" and I found I was only saying that and praying that once or twice a week. NOW . . . I take it day by day. every morning I pray to God for strength, and also I tell myself that I'm just going to keep going, today is a new day, with new strength. A day is a lot smaller to look at than a week, you can easily get over whelmed if you look at a week and say to yourself "Gosh, I hope I don't mess up". With more on your plate, you have more of a chance of thinking you may mess up, thinking you may mess up with make you think about previous mess ups, then it will just lead to just exactly what your trying not to do. Taking it day by day is like taking smaller scoops on your plate. You do it day by day, and you have less of a chance of worrying you wont make it. Then the next day, you can have the same attitude. "Today is a small day, I don't have to worry, today, I can get through". Also . . . Always be positive, even if you mess up. One saying I like is this "When satan reminds you of the past, remind him of his future" lol that saying has always made me laugh.

[Light]

HP, I'm really excited to hear about your success. It sounds like you are well on your way, your advice to just take it day by day is great.

If you don't mind, I have a few questions for you (I am going to start doing this to other members so we can make a really strong list). Thanks for your help! I understand if you don't have time or can't answer right away.

Question 1) Please list the reasons why you decided to quit P:

Question 2) Please list the positive benefits you have noticed since you stopped looking at P:

Question 3) What are some of the things that you have changed (habits, strategies, etc.) that have helped you not go back?

Congrats again HP, stay strong!

[HalfPint]

Question 1) Please list the reasons why you decided to quit P:
Answer 1) Well . . . multiple reasons. The first, I would have to say is because I'm a Christian, I view it as a sin, and it was something I was struggling with most my life to stop. Secondly it was making me anti social, and it was hogging up bandwidth at my house, my family was tired of my excess downloading etc. Thirdly it was making me look at women objectively and I didn't like that. Fourthly, and maybe I should talk to a doctor about this, but the last time that I looked at porn, actually the first day I came here, I was looking at it all day long and for one reason or another my testicles started to ache, and the pain got so serious that even after I did what I thought may relieve the pressure, I had to put Ice on them. I looked at it as "a kick in the balls from God". I assumed it may have been part of the reason that drugs like viagra say "if you've had an erection for more than 4 hours consult your doctor immediately" There are so many reasons why I felt it was good and positive for quiting, those were the main reasons.

Question 2) Please list the positive benefits you have noticed since you stopped looking at P:
answer 2) I'm not as depressed, which was a result I didn't expect to see. I'm having more fun with other things I'm doing, and slowly I'm not objectifying women.

Question 3) What are some of the things that you have changed (habits, strategies, etc.) that have helped you not go back?
answer 3) well . . . Thats a tough question. One of the things that I have done when I felt the urge is come here and type out my feelings and reminded myself that I've made it this far. Also I keep reminding myself that I'm not only doing this for myself, that I'm doing it for a future wife (that I may get eventually), that I'm doing this for my family and my friends. Its made me a better person, I feel more confident about myself, and thats part of what makes me want to keep going. I love the feeling.

[Light]

Great answers HalfPint, those are all very encouraging. I definitely think that if you read over those whenever you get tempted, you will surely be able to overcome the temptation. The problem is, when we are not vigilant, we tend to forget all of those reasons. So stay sharp and don't forget :)

I really like to hear that you are thinking forward to your future, and possible girlfriend/wife. I think most guys feel that it's ok to look at porn when they're single, because they think that once they have a girl in their lives they think they won't need it. But those habits stay with you and really destroy the intimacy and bond between you and your partner (speaking from experience). So keep it up, I'm proud of you :)

Have a great week!

[FoolishMind]

I think most guys feel that it's ok to look at when they're single, because they think that once they have a in their lives they think they won't need it. But those habits stay with you and really destroy the intimacy and bond between you and your partner (speaking from experience).

This is so very true. I think I was in this boat, and know of many people and friends who are single and are like this now, and think its easy to just stop P when you have a serious relationship.

It probably does initially, but the habit comes back. Completley admire your maturity and sense HP. I salute you, and sincerley wish I could have had the sense to understand my faults before hurting my wife.

It is a Very Very steep and slippery hill to climb back on up the mountain to repair your loved ones hurt.

[HalfPint]

You're very right about that. Trust and relationships, once lost, are very hard to repair and gain back. Thats one reason I wanted to stop before I ever had to. It did effect my relationships, but that was because I was spending too much time away from them and I was always depressed while with them.

I'm glad, and I Praise God, that I have been able to realize this "strength" and quit this addiction. For all those Lord of the Rings fans, I can kind of let the ring symbolize my addiction. If you've watched the movies you know what I'm talking about. Once you use the ring, the ring keeps calling you, getting heavier and heavier on your chest, on your mind, on your soul. You just feel the urges to stick it back on, you keep feeling the need to use it. Even though your journey is to destroy it, you feel the need to use it all the way. Eventually, if you keep giving into the urges, at the end, when you've finally made it to the place where you can destroy it, you don't want to, and decide not to.

I read some of the reports on the front page about this addiction and such, and one of them told about how it can effect the relationship that you eventually have with a woman. It said that it makes the woman have to do more things and has to go farther to "measure up" to the porn stars. Looking at the stuff makes us get more and more numb, and make us want bigger and bigger stimulations, and it makes us think we "need" it a certain way or else, its not worth it, and the article explained thats why most men, even when in a relationship, will keep going back to it.

Also one of the main reasons I kept failing at first, was I was basing my "strength of quiting" on a relationship or on something that can most likely be a temporary thing. I based quitting on, trying to go out with a girl, once we both realized we weren't meant for each other, I started right back. This time I'm basing it off the need to quit and the need to be pure for my future wife, and also for my friends. Also who will be here to set an example for the next generations if we're all looking at porn.

If I make it to the end of today, I will have made it 18 whole days (2 weeks and 4 days).

[HalfPint]

Well . . . I posted earlier today that If I made it the entire day that it would be 18 whole days (2 weeks and 4 days) . . .

Well . . .

. . . I did it . . . YaY . . . this makes me very happy. 18 days, nothing particularity "special" about 18 days. Its just, every MINUTE I'm breaking my own record. gosh, the "longest" I went without porn was like, 2, maybe 3 weeks, however, I've NEVER gone this long without masturbating as well. I'm just so happy that God has given me the strength to make it this far. I just hope and pray that I can continue through the night, and then start again tomorrow.

[Light]

I love the excitement and enthusiasm in your post HP. We should all be so excited by our progress :) Stay strong!

[bob]

Great work HalfPint ...keep up the good work and also your spirit :) .
God be with you

BOB

[HalfPint]

Well . . . this post may just be the most enthusiastic post I have ever posted in these forums.

lol I can see it now, everybody thats reading this is probably saying "Oh great . . . put on the seatbelt, here he goes"

Anyways, in all seriousness, I've been doing Great, thank God. Today was a pretty good day. I've been doing pretty good ever since yesterday morning (I'll cover why at the end of this post), even though yesterday sucked because I was running off about 2 - 4 hours of sleep.


Anyways, today, if I succeed to the end of the day, which I have no doubt that I will, thank God, then it will be the 20th day. WOH . . . the big 20 . . . wow . . . thats like 2 weeks 6 days. One more day and I'll be at 3 weeks. Praise God for that. Not too many temptations today. There was one that was starting to make me think stuff that I shouldn't. Lets just say that really pretty legs, usually ones with stockings, usually were what turned me on, and I saw this lady with a dress and really pretty legs, with stockings, and that made me start thinking bad, but I turned away after a little bit and started thinking of other things. Other than that, I haven't looked at porn and I haven't masturbated, Praise God on both accounts.

Anyways, about me being happy since yesterday morning. Boy do I have a good story to tell you guys. Wow . . . so yea, I work in a computer lab, of all places, of a college. I help the students with their work, I help them with odds and ends. creating college accounts at the beginnings of the semester, looking up grades etc. Anyways, we, of course, have an "Acceptable Use Agreement" As all colleges should. Part of this agreement is that you shall not look at "adult materials" using the campus computers. Now and then we come across an idiot who's stupid enough to do it in the middle of the lab. lol the last idiot that I caught, when we called him on it and told him if he continued we would call campus police, he said "oh that was a popup" Hmm . . . our campus only uses 2 different pop up blockers, that is the biggest excuse EVER, and . . . umm . . . you tend to not get bad popups without going to bad sites. Anyways, speaking of idiots, I was making rounds 2 days ago, it was about 8:30. I went to a room, and turned on the lights. I was a little startled because there was a man sitting in the far computer using a computer still. Of course, I got a little suspicious of the circumstances, well, as I went in I explained he would have to probably leave, and that he was free to use a lab computer. I also explained that someone else would come around and ask him to leave. He replied "My class is supposed to get out at 10 so I'll just stay till then" Well . . . the class got out early and you usually leave when class gets out. So, as I was shutting down computers, getting closer to his, he kept getting more and more talkative, stopped using the computer, and was changing the subject quite a bit ---> lol, you all know whats coming . . . yes . . . another idiot. I went and told one of the people that had more seniority than me, and he went in there and got him to leave and shut off the computer. Well, that was when I Found out that he was looking at bad stuff. See I didn't know, but I assumed he was doing something due to the amount of conversation and conversation changes that was occurring. come to find out the next morning, also yesterday morning and also the reason I'm so happy, I got questioned by campus police in the back room. Well, while being questioned, I find out why I'm being questioned. Apparently the porn the dude was looking at was porn of people under the legal age limit. :) And I'm the one that got the ball rolling. I'm the one that told the guy above me that reported it. Their not 100% sure that it was child porn, but he was doing naughty stuff. So I feel good about myself that I potentially helped get a child molester and someone who looks at child porn off the streets. They said at the very least he was looking at porn, but most likely it was child porn. The guy that went in there to ask him to leave said he saw a picture of a child. w00t that makes me so happy. Anyways, have fun laughing at that (insert word here) <--for lack of better words. Because I am laughing at him very much.