My Struggle - HalfPint

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

Hey, HP

First of all, thanks for keeping up with MY journal :)

Second, I don't have a lot of advice concerning your actual question, but I do want to say that I agree you should give up MB. A lot of people have pointed out that the same objectification of women occurs within our minds when we MB as does when we look at P. So they're both off limits, as far as I'm concerned. But I still think you're doing very well, even though you really do need to be more careful. A recovering PA can't afford to let himself be bombarded with images like that, which I think you know.

My other piece of advice is about movie research online :P I'm a film major, and the site I use the MOST often is IMDB.com. There are rarely any sketchy pictures there, but just about all the info you could hope for about pretty much every movie ever. So...in the future, you know where to go.

Good luck with everything, and I'm super glad you're through finals. It's certainly a huge weight off the shoulders, isn't it? I hope you're satisfied with the grades you haven't gotten yet, too.

AE

[Dominus]

Glad you got your exams out of the way. Sometimes when the way forward seems a bit cloudy it can help to sit down and think about our original objectives. It is very easy to become complacent and to let our guard down and thats when we slip up. Why don't you take some time to read through our old posts and revitalise the zeal that you had in the beginning.
Good to have you back, look after yourself Halfpint.

[Light]

HP, I'm glad you got through your tough time in school and can relax a little. And happy birthday! I wish I had the PA under control as much as you do at your age.

With that being said, it sounds like might be allowing yourself to run into things that could trip you up. Flirting with temptation, I would call it. I'm only saying that because I've been there myself, so I say it from experience. Once you get far enough, as you have, and begin to experience some success, you need to be really careful, because the complacency can lead you to slip up big time.

What does being careful entail? Well, for starters I think it means "playing it safe" when using the internet. That means avoiding "blind" searches whenever possible. Stick to sites that you can trust, and if you run into questionable material, even slightly questionable, you might want to just turn off the computer and do something else.

If you really, REALLY need to search for something, and you're not sure what the results will be, go to a public place, like a library, or a computer lab and search there. You will be less tempted to slip up or view questionable material if you're in a public place.

After this experience, when you did MB, were you thinking of the images you saw on the computer? I think for me that's where I draw the line between MB that is acceptable, and MB that is not. Calling up images of past porn sessions as a means for release is not acceptable for me anymore, and doing so falls into the category of looking at porn.

I don't want to be a bummer, I think you're doing great, but at the same time I want you to be honest with yourself and really be smart about the future, because I know from experience that it can be easy to slide back down the mountain you've climbed, and usually it happens when we least expect it.

I'd like to see you make an "internet battle plan" which details the rules and guidelines you set for yourself regarding acceptable internet use, and when to turn it off and do something else. No pressure, but I think it would be useful for you and the other members here...

Sorry for the tough love, but I want to see you succeed for the long term. Good luck HP, stay strong!

[FoolishMind]

Hey HP, I think youve gathered some great advice from Fuzzball, Castaway, Light, Dominus and AE. I do not think I can add anything else to that. And probably deep down, you know it already. You know how it is, That little sometimes gets a little bit louder, and tries to not act like the little voice, and tries to provide you with logic and justification to make you succumb.

Glad you've finished your exams, chill out now, and have a blast with some friends.

Last but not least H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y !!!! :D

FM

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

How could I have forgotten to address THAT particular issue??

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, big guy! The big 21. Such an awesome age to be. Savor every day. 23 is really so boring... ;)

AE

[HalfPint]

I know what I want to do thats about it right now. I'll say this much. Yes, I was doing blind searches, and no, I'm not doing them anymore. It seemed to be more of a temperary thing than anything. I have still been masturbating a couple of times however. But I seem to have that under control for the most part. Also, to make things a little clearer, one of the times I was masturbating I wasn't using the pictures in my head but they came anyways, and the second time I was kind of trying to think of the pictures but actually none of the real ones that I've looked at before, they seemed somewhat grainy like they weren't actually there. They didn't even help cause I was almost done anyways.

I guess, I just want/need someone to confirm what I've been thinking. I don't know for a fact if I should reset my numbers at the bottom. I don't want to, however, I wouldn't be depressed if I did. I just like the 4 months and the date that I have. I can remember what it was lol. Been sayin all along, my date of freedom is 12/27/07 at 22:33 eastern time. I really don't know. Many of you are saying "no, don't reset it" some of you are saying "I would if I was in your shoes". I don't know.

[FoolishMind]

Duuuuude! Where has this hyper HP gone? Since your exams, youve been really subdued and withdrawn.

HP, I think you need a little tough love friend, with regards to your questions, Im not going to answer them, because it is you that has to figure out what you think is right for you and your specific situation.

You know a big trigger is depression, brooding etc, You have been under a lot of stress recently, and you really need to draw a line over that, and cease to dwell on that on anymore. THere is always the comfort saying its easier said than done, But in this case I dont think it is.

You have got tremendous strength and determination. You have got a positive auroa that is contagious. You have a vibe that everyone wants to be part of. Dont be selfish, share it out, and let everyone feed of your strength!

I feel you are losing your focus, which is easily done, and can start from a momentary lapse of concentration. But you need to haul it back in now.

Focus, This time last year, what were you doing, what was your character like, How productive were you. Compare that to now? I will put money on it, that it would be a completely different reflection of you from then to now.

You said:
"Many of you are saying "no, don't reset it" some of you are saying "I would if I was in your shoes". I don't know."

Many will say "this" many will say "that" truthfully, I dont think you should even worry about it or give it a moments care! Your focusing on the wrong things, Negative things!

HP...I want you to really try and clear your mind, and spend a moment and reflect on all the challenges you have been through this year, Take pride in what you have acheived, and smile, knowing that you have, and are continuing to control this addiction. We as a group are less than one percent of the worlds population who actually acknowledge this problem, let alone counter it. If this was an olympic sport, you would be in Beijing and you would be on the podium, standing tall, standing proud, One Hundred and Fifty Thousand people screaming and applauding, echoing around the stadium, as the star spangled banner is raise above you, you raise your hand to you chest, and look up to the sky, Tears of emotion should flow, confirming, You are a great guy, and you have been battling damn hard, to achieve all you have to date, it isnt easy, and for that reason alone, you deserve the best. Your hand pushes against your chest, crowd goes to silence....

The music plays....

Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars thru the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket's red glare, the bursting in air,
Gave proof thru the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

You are going through a perilous fight HP, be brave, be proud.

Consider me right by your side when you feel weak. As I will not let your weaken further, nor shall I let you fall.

I salute you.

FM

[jacksinn]

Hey H,P-- You still have the support from everyone here! It's easy to get discourage and have a situation ballon into something that is larger and more significant than what it is. Keep up the battle my friend.. we can only succeed, but we must not stop. :)

[Light]

Halfpint, I hope you're doing well, and that my post wasn't too hard on you. I haven't seen you around here lately, and I sure do miss your posts and enthusiasm. You are one of the cornerstones of the boards here and it's just not the same without you.

Summing up what I think everyone has said here, even if you did slip up, who cares really? The "time" that you've had not looking at porn isn't so important as your continued commitment to not having it in your life. That's why I like to focus on every day. Was it a day I spent without porn? Then it was a good day and I am on the right track!

Good luck my friend, and I hope to see you back here soon. If you need a break, I understand, know that we will all be thinking of you and missing you. Take care HP.

[HalfPint]

Thanks for all the encouragement. I know that I've been, what I believe you or fm described as a submarine. I've been under for a while. I don't know, when exams came around and I was unable to come on because of being so busy I just kind of lost my enthusiasm and my want to come here. I don't know why. Its just one of those things. I get stressed out very easily and I get depressed really easy and one of the side affects of depression not wanting to do things you normally do. I'm doing better now but the damage has been done, I just lost the want to do some things like post here. I'm wanting to more and more now, I'm trying to post as much as I can when I remember.

In all reality I am doing better I don't feel stressed out anymore and other things aren't nagging on my mind so I don't have to think about them. Its truly amazing how the mind works, is it not? Anyways, I'm half tempted to take the counter out of my signature, because you know, you are right light, its not "oh looky 4 months" its "look at the amount of time that I've not looked at porn vs the time that I have". (kind of hard to describe I guess). I guess looking at "if I mess up now I'll loose my "winning streak" when in reality I should just look at what I've gained by what I gave up. and even though I did have a small slip up, that doesn't really matter. I guess i was just focusing on "going a length of time" without porn vs working on it day by day (which I'm doing now). Anyways, expect to see me slowly but surely making a come back and I thank you all for the encouragement.