My Struggle - HalfPint

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

You're right to be careful, you're right to come here (so right), and you're right to recognize how hard it is. But also remember that it WILL get easier again. The temptation comes in cycles. I'd say your greatest danger is despair or discouragement. It would be so easy to get weary of the fight, to feel like it will never end. But we all know it will. And you'll win. You've proven that you can beat it when it comes, which is so, SO great.

Another thing is make sure to look at each day you remain P free as an enormous victory, and that victory grows as the number grows. Because each day, you can say, "I've made it today AND I've made it for three months and ___ days," and then, pretty soon, "I've made it through this day, AND I've made it through four months." Each day is still a victory. When we get tired, I think we start to feel like the individual days don't matter--I know that's how I feel a lot of the time. But I have to remember that the victory of each day does NOT diminish as I hit new goals of progress. You don't have to wait until your four month mark to feel good about being free of P. In fact, I would suggest dwelling on it every night for a while--how happy you are without the addiction controlling your life.

Anyway, you're amazing. Keep up the enthusiasm, and keep up the fight. I think your journal might be in the top two or three as far as hits. There are an enormous number of people who are thrilled to death with your progress. And I'm one of them.

AE

[HalfPint]

hey anxious, I thank you for the quick reply. I also thank you for the encouragement, it does help, and yes, when discouraged it does help to look at how long I've been going without. I know, I've been saying all along that I need to not be looking at this as if I don't have a set goal (i.e. I'm going to make it a year) but all in all, one reason I've been getting happier is because of the more time I've been not looking at porn. I have secretly had a goal that I've wanted to hit all my life and that goal has been to go as long as I was looking at porn, without it. I have seen people that setting up goals like that is like setting up for failure, but really the success is an encouragement. (if anything I'm typing makes no sense, forgive me, its 2:05 in the morning and I'm tired, and if thats not convincing then I'll just have to try to convince you that a monkey wrote this and not me :P).

Really the reason I've been down isn't because of holding up my happiness until I hit that 4th month its all these darn exams. Next week is the last week of classes and this is the first time I've had this many hard exams. I have 2 exams for my astronomy class alone. One for the lecture and one for the lab, and I'm doing terrible in that class. My gpa has been so good and I have promised myself to not get anything below a b- again. My astronomy class might turn out to do just that. I really just need to study and all this time that I'm taking to study is taking away from my me time and its frustrating, its stressful, especially seeing as I didn't have much me time to begin with.

Anyways, like I said, thank you for the encouragement.

[HalfPint]

Well . . . again this morning I kind of forced images into my mind so that I would "release". Again It wasn't masturbation or looking at porn but still I feel shameful for doing it and thats kind of depressing. However today has seemed a bit better, I haven't felt so stressed and I haven't been tempted to look at porn, so I guess tit for tat. I'm trying as much a I can to cheer back up. I'm listening to music and working on homework hoping it will take my mind off of life and such.

Its hard to believe. One more week I will be able to say that I've been 4 months porn and masturbation free. I cannot believe it.

[castaway16]

wow HP .. 4 months is something !! .. good for you man !

I just wanted to "remind" you of something ..

what you're doing by forcing those images is not helpful by any means .. your body will simplly ask for more.. so instead of the time you waste thinking about those images, just, as I always keep saying, take a couple of hourse to carry out any kind of activity that entertains you and "releases" your energy ..

you know, perhaps even better than I do, that it takes just so darn little triggers to slip up .. so please do not allow these images the entrance back to your mind !



I don't know how this post sounds to you so far, but I'm very tired and sleepy right now, and I'm struggling to write those words, and I won't even bother doing this unless I care enough to !

please man, you've done a great job so far .. please don't consider any act that might, in a way or another,have a negative effect. If everyone who got stressed a little, resorted to any kind of addiction .. I can't imagine how it'd be like !! .



Buddy, you're amazing, nothing on this earth deserves this amount of anxeity .. so :

-Cheer up !
-Entertain and have fun!
-Study (yes mentioned in this order delibrately)
-Keep going !!

You've set a great example here man .. no more P, MB or "triggers" for life :D ..


hope this helped a little

[FoolishMind]

Hi HP, hope your keeping well. So nearly 4 months aye! Wow you should be stand proud my friend.

I am sorry that I have not been that active on this site for the last few days, have generally been a little unwell.

I am slightly concerned / confused about this 'forced images' though. Youve mentioned this a few times in your journal now. Im not sure if im understanding completely. Is it that you choose to close your eyes and view images in your head? and that kind off releives you? or is it that it pops in your head and you choose not to fight it off or distract yourself?

I dont know if you can relate to this, but im confident some people on here definatley will, When you are ill, and home alone (as I was last few days), that used to be a time when I would use P alot aswell. These last few days, I have not been so bad really, whereas earlier in my journey I really did have little battles within my head. Thankfully I have really found an inner peace within myself that I genuinely dont have that much of an urge or little voice in my head anymore.

But...Yes sometimes say when going to bed, and I close my eyes, some sort of images start popping up in my head, and I suppose I could drift off playing my P dream movies, But again, just like in everything else I have done, I replace them. So now my little dream video recorder in my head, plays more interesting things like me being a secret agent, or a formula one racing driver etc etc. Just general random crap. But no P.

You also said the a couple of weeks back, that you felt weaker that you havent been posting in your journal for some time, and focusing on yourself. Well firstly you should praise yourself for helping others first. You should stand proud, and you are a great figure of support for many members her, including myself. But this should not mean it will make you weaker. This should make you stronger HP. Everyday we are reading more and more posts, clearly highlighting what P can do to a man and a relationship and ultimatley a family. It can be very depressing, but you need to turn it around, and get a good balance. One thing that I always try and do is to focus a higher percentage of my energy into the positives and futures potential.

We know the first steps in our journey was to acknowledge, then analyse study and learn why we did things. We've done that, yes keep reminding yourself, thats what this site has done for me, but man....you need to be happy, I cant stress enough, how all happy fluffy and flowery I feel! I can honestly say i have never felt like this before.

There is a high risk that I have completely lost the plot and not posted anything relevant. If that is the case, I sincerely apologise! and just put it down to my loss of a few marbles!

Take care

FM

[Dominus]

I think it must be something in the water, so many seem to be struggling at the moment. Im thinking of you Halfpint, you have been a huge encouragement to so many people. Try and keep your spirits up and ride through this difficult time.

[HalfPint]

thanks guys for all the support, I really really need it right now.

Foolish, to answer your question, what I mean by forced is this. the 2 or 3 times that it has happened (the times I have said "forced) normally it happens when I wake up. I wake up thinking these things and they are already in my head but Its almost like their welcomed instead of asked to leave <---best way I can think of it. I let them play on while I sit there in a kind of rest/moment before I get out of bed and the times its happened it has resulted in "resolve" so to speak. I've noticed, I've been (almost) 4 months clean, no porn and no masturbation. I've noticed that I can feel the sexual tension build. As someone else stated, I believe dominus, in someone else's thread, maybe something along the lines of "blue balls" where my testicles build up sperm and it hasn't been able to release. It almost starts to ache down there and thats all I can think about. I've only had this "forced" thing happen maybe 2 or 3 times out of these 4 months and I had a nocturnal emission once or twice (meaning right as I woke up, the time where your not sure if its real life or if its a dream, you think the dream is real and everything is back to the way it was).

It seems that when I'm stressed I'm easily caught off guard. Something can pop into my head and I will think about it, no matter what. Finals are this and next week and all the final projects are due this week and for some odd reason this semester has been extra tough. I'm really feeling the pressure right now. I need support now more than ever. Right now I feel like I'm on the edge of the cliff called emotion. If something else happens to me right now I might just snap. It takes a LOT to make me mad or unstable and one of my co-workers in using me as an example pushed me that far and I swore at him, something I've only done ONCE before to someone in my life and it wasn't towards him. I feel really unstable right now, I feel stressed, almost shaky still from the adrenaline from the confrontation earlier today with my co-worker, and on top of that I'm tired from not sleeping from the other stress and I'm highly caffeinated to contradict that. Right now, I don't know how to be positive, I don't know how to be happy. In fact I feel like all I can do right now is put on some soothing music and just break down and cry. I honestly feel like I'm about ready to break down and it takes a lot to do that. I don't know what to do. I honestly don't know what to do. Life is getting the best of me because of college right now, and I just don't know what to do . . .

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

In one word, all I can tell you to do is that. Stop. Pause. Say, "For the next hour, I'm not going to worry about anything." Go outside, somewhere pretty and just sit and relax. Think positive things. Thing about all the things you have, the things you've done, the things you plan on doing. Think: "I used to be addicted to porn, but I'm free of that horrible, ugly thing now, and my life is mine."

After that, take another hour and lay out everything that you have to get done and by when. I don't say to do that to stress yourself out but to show yourself that it actually is all manageable. You'll get through it by this date. And then you'll be able to relax and say that through it all, through all of the stress and craziness and ridiculous amounts of work...you never once resorted to that old vice that always held you nailed to the floor in the past.

And then pray. Out loud. It's funny, even when I don't particularly feel as thought I believe in anything, it's still terribly therapeutic to pray out loud. Talk it all through.

HP, trials come to the strong ones. You get on top of your life, and then your life reflexively gets back on top of you, all so that you can claw your way back up and be stronger at the end of the day. Just the way it works. A PA doesn't get back on top. He turns to P. He lets life sit on top of him and he never goes anywhere. You're not like that. You know you're not like that because you've already proven that you can get up there and stay on top. You're in control.

I would be willing to bet that almost every single person here (are there dozens?) is incredibly proud of you and incredibly impressed with how awesome you've been as an example of what it means to fight addiction and win. Just keep it up, big guy. We're all sure you can do it. Time for you to clue in on how amazing you are.

Best of luck. My prayers are with you.

AE

[Dominus]

Yes, I agree with anxiously engaged, you need a break. Just for a bit forget your finals and all the other things. You will find if you get to wound up you won't be able to do anything. So go for a walk in the park, have an ice cream or something and just chill out. remember, at the end of next week it will all be over so don't fret it.

[HalfPint]

I just thought I would post this, thinking that maybe it might help someone and I guess it just helps someone know what I was like. This story is about why it was so hard for me to give up porn. One of the main reasons it was so hard to give it up is because I didn't used to have many friends. I've had a hard time getting friends for some reason. I try to treat everyone the same but then nobody treats me the same as they want to be treated. Anyways, porn became my friend. It became much more than an indulgence, it became much more than a stress reliever or an indulgence. Porn was my one and only "good" friend. It was there for me when I needed it, it would never talk bad about me, it entertained me and I could access it whenever I wanted, making our "relationship" better. Letting that go was tough. Its like you make friends with someone you know you shouldn't and for some reason you gain this strong friendship that both of you would admit that it would take a huge thing to tear you apart.

There are times that I have honestly missed it, but I know that I shouldn't and that I shouldn't go back to it, but its hard. Especially right now in this time of my life where stress is really getting to me for some reason I am really wanting to go, shut myself in my room, stay there for days on end, not talking to anyone, not leaving, just surfing porn all day long. But I'm not going to because too many people are counting on me, including myself. Its just, the stress levels this school semester have been so much higher than normal. I don't know why and many people have noticed a change in me due to the stress. One of my co-workers yesterday kind of, used me as an example in front of our "customers". I work in a computer lab and he just kind of used me as an example by using a loud voice in telling me not to do something. The way he said it also made me feel like I've never met him before, he said "you need to take that drink in the hallway sir", and no, he wasn't joking. You'd think that at the very least he could have treated me like a co-worker, he could have come up and said "yah know, you probably shouldn't do that, just sayin". That really made me mad/depressed. I've only swore at 2 people in my life and he was one of them yesterday.

So yea, I'm going to be comming on here even less now for a while because finals are in deed starting up, I just did one (only got a C+ :( ) and I have another one I'm doing this week, as well as 3 other tests (for the same class) and then the class that I did my final in already, the one that I got the C+ on, I have yet another final for that class next week. Yes . . . I have 2 finals for one class. So . . . I guess you all can tell why I'm under so much stress. Anyways, hope to talk to you guys soon, again it might be a week or so, and I may be able to find time now and then to come on, but right now all my free time is studying. lol the only reason I'm able to make this post is because I'm in my business class right now and we're watching a movie and I don't feel like watching it because I never watch the movies in this class (too boring).