Its my story and Im stickin' to it.

[Michael]

Its day 1 on here but I started recovery about 4 months ago. I have failed miserably along the way. I been addicted for about 20+ years and have tried to stop several times. I've read on here about how most addicts feel. I was quite surprised to find I wasn't alone. What I thought was a healthy appetite was actually an addiction.

What helped me realize what porn was doing to me and what I was loosing was the woman I had been with for about 7 years. She showed me this by kicking me out. It made me take an honest look and realize that there was something wrong with me.
During the last year that we were together I came to the conscious decision that I could do better and that I didn't need her to make me happy. I was miserable and I made her miserable. I know it was my porn addiction that caused all of it.

I look back on my thinking and realize how much porn had clouded my thoughts and even my heart. The reason I felt I was more or less pushing her away from me was because my porn obsession had manifested itself as my virtual girlfriend. Its where I went when I had a bad day, When I needed to feel connected and alive, and it satisfied the sexual urges I had. That demon had me convinced I didn't need anyone else. I was so wrong!

I never connected with her kids while I was there. Its hard enough for someone to come into another families life and try to gain acceptance from everyone. on occasion where we attended kid functions (school, birthdays,etc...) I felt I didn't want to be there, like my time could be better spent. I realize that I just wanted to get back to my porn collection. As a side effect I never spent any time with the kids. We never connected.

The past 4 months have been one extreme to the other emotionally. I have days where I don't need her at all and days I cant go on without her. But we have talked and I know she cares for me. She's asked me to come back home several times but I declined. Honestly not because I didn't want to, but I felt remorse and guilt for how I had treated her. I am probably trying to punish myself too. I so miss being home and with Her!

Ive looked at houses for me, but every time I look I get a sick feeling and have to stop. I want her with me. I know what makes a house a home now. Porn took a lot of valuable things from me.

As much as She supports me in my fight, I know She's angry, hurt, and disgusted inside. Id' like to bring her on here. I think she could get a lot of answers and understand some things. Especially about us.

I still don't know if She would be better off without me. Am I just punishing myself or is it the truth?

to be continued...

[last2know]

Hello and welcome Michael. I'm rather new here. I am convinced that my husband is a SA/PA. He is now working on divorcing me and I believe a large part of it is because like you say, porn has become his virtual girlfriend. It blew my mind when that occurred to me. I think that he is riddled with shame to admit it too. It rang such a bell when you tell of how you would be bored with family outings because you could think of something else that you would rather do. I noticed the same attitude with my husband, when we went on family vacations. He often had an air of irritation and annoyance , like he DID NOT want to be there. I swear, he hated wholesome situations (especially if I was there)!

I am no doctor, but I am now 100% convinced that his negative behavior came from all the porn that he was watching (unbeknownst to me). Anyway, something about the way you bared yourself makes me want to show your post to my husband (who is running scared). I am hopeful once more!

[Michael]

Hi last2know,
I can tell you that for me, when I was at family functions and wanted to be doing "other" things, my annoyance was really frustration. Frustration that the porn cycle I was in was never ending and that I needed it again. Frustration also, that I didn't feel I could function as a normal family member.

Just a hint also, anger is the worst way to approach him. he may be angry but you need to be calm. I know that I broke not when my GF blew up, but, when she sat down and talked with me not to me.

Thanks for the reply.

[Michael]

I called her today and told her I was willing and actively seeking help. I told her about this place. Up to this point I don't think She really thought I had any interest in coming home or even being with her except for the occasional dates we took. I'm not really sure I thought there was a chance Id want her to take me back as odd as that sounds.

She told me She couldn't give any promises. I know She's worked hard at moving on and trying her best to put me behind her, not because that's what she wanted but because I chose it. I think I did this to somehow protect her from me.

Something that struck me was that I have a double addiction. I definitely have an addiction to porn, but I have another addiction called love. Think about it, it has the same powers and results. It takes hold of your entire being. It doesn't let you out of its grasp without allot of pain. It affects others around you. And it blinds you. I hope I don't have to recover from both. I miss you baby. Id so love to be in your arms right now.

to be continued...

[last2know]

My sitiuation seems so far gone until I can't phathom that my husband admitting his addictions to me (again). Two years ago when I made the discovery, he admitted to being addicted to porn but has since retracted that.

We live under the same roof still but he is not at all where you are. Thank you for the hint to stay calm and talk with him and not to him , showing anger. He is VERY angry and so am I, but I have failed at being calm in the face of his anger. I will be calm and understanding. I will talk with him.

I will do this as I negotiate the terms of the separation and divorce with him.

If I can't remain married to him and live together as a family then I want to be like your girlfriend, to do my best at putting him behind me because that's what he wants. Thanks again.

[Jacinda24]

Welcome Michael! Well I sure can relate to what you posted, especially:
"I look back on my thinking and realize how much porn had clouded my thoughts and even my heart. The reason I felt I was more or less pushing her away from me was becuase my porn obsession had manifested itself as my virtual girlfriend. Its where I went when I had a bad day, When I needed to feel connected and alive, and it satisfied the sexual urges I had. I was so wrong!"
That's what I believe it must be like for my boyfriend as well. P is his virtual girlfriend. Ugh......
I want to congratulate you on joining TTF, you will find so much support and strength here. I wish you well!

[Daniel]

Michael,

You've woken up! Congratulations! This will probably seem really strange hear/read.. But imagine the [probably] millions who continue to run down this P-path to personal destruction without even realizing it! And you are no longer part of that herd heading for the cliff.

You have a chance now and I believe a really good chance to be the real you, pre-20 yrs. P-addicted you; back to how you were supposed to be before P threw you off the rails. I was there too. I figured I was involved with P one way or another 31 years.
My Mrs. Daniel used to think I had a thing for an old GF. I could never understand why she thought this. But guess what.. - it was my P habit that she had put her finger on without knowing it. I had not come clean in those days. But her "Woman's Intuition" had figured it out!
We're doing great today but there were plenty of past rocky moments in the healing process.
I sincerely hope things can turn around in your relationship. They have already turned around in you personally.
If you get the chance, tell her and the children how you feel. It will be your down payment for getting things right.

We're here for you...,

Daniel

[Michael]

Thanks everyone. The further I go down this recovery path the more I become aware of the things that I was numb to before. We all know how porn commands you when your addicted to it. It wants every second you can give it because it makes you hungry for more and more. It creates a vacuum where your life used to be. But one thing I realized just now is that when an addict breaks the porn seal its just like oxygen rushing back in. You get to breath for the first time in a long time.
Thanks!

[Michael]

Went home after work, ate dinner, and worked in the garage to keep busy. I honestly don't miss the porn as much as her. At least thinking of her keeps my mind from wandering down dark avenues. I tried to give her a rest and not bug her last night. I broke and sent her a text around 8:30Pm just to see what She was up to. No reply. I sent another an hour later before I went to bed. No reply. I miss her and just want to hear from her.

11PM. You would have thought someone fired a shotgun to wake me up, but it was simply the soft vibrating of my cell. She replied! I must be pathetic that a simple smiley face in a text message can make me feel so much better. Its so strange. I breath a sigh of relief and fall right to sleep instead of tossing and turning like most nights.

4:30Am. I wake up aroused but I'm not wanting porn, I want to be with her. I toss and turn for an hour then finally get up, shower, and go to work.

Ive asked her to meet me for lunch the last 2 days, which we do during the week. Strange this time she's got other things going on. I guess it's the truth. I'm probably paranoid that she's ignoring me. Anyway, I didn't ask her today and wont be able to for rest of this week. I'm not sure if I should keep trying to talk with her or back off and hopefully She'll miss me a little? I'm afraid She would see this as a lack of interest on my part. I'm trying to keep a balance of communication with her and still leave her alone as she is very busy with Her kids. Am I nuts? I kinda feel like a stalker? She's never really given me any indication to leave her alone. Actually quite the opposite.

you know porn has demanded allot of attention from me. In the past I had to provide attention to Her and it. Now She has all of it and I cant give it to her.

On a spiritual note. Ive always believed that God guides us and up to 4 months ago I prayed every night that his will be done and that he would deliver me from this relationship I was in (With Her) because we were both unhappy. This was before I fully admitted I had a porn addiction. God answered my prayer. The thing was, when He did, I no longer felt His presence in my life. I felt that I had been set out to the curb. I began to curse him. Last night I broke. I was on my knee's for I dint know how long making it right and coming clean with every last fear that I had. I cried HARD! But it was more tears of relief than anything. Amazing thing was that after this I went to bed and that's when She sent a text.

More to come...

[Daniel]

Hang in there Michael.

Two things come to mind:
1) try not rely on your feelings as a gauge to what God may or may not be doing in your life at any given moment. My feelings ebb and flow like the tide and ultimately they prove to be poor indicators of "what is really going on" for me. You feel how you feel. It's good to acknowledge our feelings but try to not let them dicate what you think God is up to. Only He knows...

2) sounds like you're doing two things at once, a) breaking the P cycle/habit and b) getting the girl back.

It may work out just fine and I certainly hope so. Some may advocate taking these issues on one at a time. I'm not really sure to be perfectly honest.
I lean to thus [free advice, no pressure]:
a) the one most important thing here is Michael's return to long-term health; mental, physical, spiritual. Everyone will be a beneficiary to your improvement including and especially Her.

At the end of the day you have to be on the mend for YOU. She will greatly benefit. She will see the change. God willing She will want you back after seeing positive changes. Let her notice it..

You're making great progress, keep up the good work.

All the best to you,

Daniel