Onward: Daniel's Journal

[Daniel]

Thank you to the collective of TTF for inspiring me to start a journal.

It's reading those journals and the excellent support that is offered in response that has motivated me to start my own.

I am 40 years old, a Christian, a professional w/ a graduate degree, married 12 years, have four beautiful children.

Today I am P-free 147 days.






I have told large segments of my story throughout TTF. I will keep my "Old Dan" part on stuff I haven't shared in detail yet. Here's a timeline illustrating how my P-use started and where it went:

• exposed to adult magazines as a kid, 5-6 yrs. old. Mom kept them to read the articles. My friends LOVED to come over to my house. I was an adult before I figured out the real reason..
• began to collect my own mags 1981-1990
• 1982, discovered HC P mags at work, had the approval of many adults and peers who thought it was normal to look
• MB was going on starting about 1982. Cycle was to look at P and MB to the images in my mind, not necessarily "imagine myself with them" etc. This was a rationalization that allowed the behavior to continue
• step mom finds collection and throws it out; tells me it's wrong. First time I've heard this. Step-brother laughs and says I needed to hide them better like he did. This to point out that many folks considered the behavior "normal" thus no incentive to quit
• in 1990 accepted Christ as my personal Savior. Very first action is to have a ceremony in the alley, throwing a large plastic bag into the trash, filled w/ my P mag collection. Good bye! But not forever unfortunately
• Never had my own collection of mags again but found others collections (because [major past SHAME] I looked for them). Major guilt but the titillation over-rode the guilt more often than not. Once in a while I could resist the urge to look around for them (I worked in the oilfields)
• mid 90s. Heard about the internet but never tried it. After using it for innocent reasons I experimented to try to find pics. And I found them. This began an on-again/off-again cycle of looking, confessing, repenting, looking again over and over again. I was afraid to tell my then-fiance how powerful a hold this cycle had on me. Married
• After marriage successfully fought urges to look at P and no more mags. MB had stopped before now. Some battles fought and won, others ongoing
• had the internet brought to the house in late 90s and then began P use -pictures only; no collections; I was funny about that, a hold over from my mags I guess -I was determined to not keep anything physically thus I would look but not save anything (except in my all-important mind of course)
• discover hotel movies on bus. trips; ouch
• wife discovered my P use on our home PC; marriage struggles big-time; we both see a counselor; I recommit to getting P-free and do so for over a year; I shared my battle with the wife; a lot of hard work here that doesn't warrant word-for-word how it went; she had just learned to really forgive and in the knick of time(!); attend a recovery group before we moved
• look at soft P at work, triggers too, no home P use; but the work stuff got me in big trouble; the grace of God and a few folks kept me employed. Shouldn't this be enough to make me stop? No.
• Get my own laptop, around 2005, and P-use increases drammatically. Guilt is huge but not enough to beat the titillation. Discover free P vids, this was very bad for me and represents the danger that a new attraction can add a whole new layer of junk to resist
• During this use period, my P attractions did not escalate into the more bizarre etc. Just stayed with more of the same stuff I found stimulating, FYI
• Also, I was getting bored with P; no urges to look for more stuff or different. The old pull was going away and I could recognize it was going away. But still I looked like I didn't know what else to do. Maddening...
• March 25, 2008. Caught again. World nearly comes to an end for me. Totally crushed, totally broken. Afraid wife will leave, take kids, go away never to be seen again. Divorce. Divide estate. Live alone. Explain to friends and colleagues why it all happened. Intense shame. I cried, and I mean for real. I was at the bottom. I couldn't stop sometimes and was reduced to a slobbering mass of tears. It was this reaction of mine and the gold-plated advice from a Christian friend that stayed my wife's plans to leave (THANK YOU LORD)

Since March 26th, I have been P free. Squeaky clean, which is very important since it's a big slippery slope as we all know.

I promised to be honest with my wife about any future failings within 24 hours of the failure -to not drive it underground, make it a conspiracy again, wall of secrecy etc.

I make that same promise to all my friends here in TTF.

She has read several books that have helped immensely. One of them is "Betrayed" (or "Betrayal"?). The story of the SO of a PA. It is good.

On her recommendation from the book, I drew up a timeline of P use going back to the beginning to show my wife. By now we both know she's not perfect either (not imperfect in the same way as me let me be clear), and we tearfully work our way through this timeline. She now knows EVERYTHING and one of P's strong arms is gone (SECRECY).

She commits to support me and love me. God is good. She re-commits to not leave me.

You can imagine how incredibly encouraging this is; precious beyond words.

The first few months believe it or not were nearly temptation free. I literally did not have one tiny bit of an urge to look.

As dave42 can testify, the thoughts of what it used to be like to look at P have lately barged into my mind. I reject these thoughts the moment they arrive. Nevertheless sometimes they continue to come in.

The biggest challenge lately has been to see my old triggers again. Not P, but in the past these triggers ALWAYS led to P eventually. Rather than decreasing pressure they increased pressure.

I avoid the triggers like the plague. But they are continually re-introduced to my thinking and I continually throw the unwelcome guest(s) out of my thinking. It gets tiring.

So I have been free from the triggers too but it's the immediate struggle.

If you made it this far I REALLY APPRECIATE your attention and any support/advice you may lend.

Onward for all of us at TTF!

Daniel

[dave]

Our stories are so similar in terms of P history - so many of these sites describe an escalating level of P use - my problem was contained to internet and the other areas you describe. It never changed much over the years.

Also the tears . . . . I am 138 dyas clean and still have emotionally rough days. S my journal if you care to read about my roller coasterlife . . . . .

We are 56 and our marriage has major sexual challenges beyond P - not that I deny I contributed to our mess. My wife and I see different couselors for now . . . but it is a real struggle. Other than sx our relationship is actually quite strong.

In a sense I am further into recovery than her. She shows very limited interest in my recovery journey.

We are christians and I can see God leading but it has been very painful at times.
My prayer is that we can see the same couselor soon and make some joint progress.
Right now it seems I am in the bedroom doghouse for my behavior and this is all my wife can do.
We have sx but it is quite regimented and controlled by her.
I try and try to let go and let god - but it is a daily struggle.

My P urges are very minimal but I may return to some M if I can't adjust to our sx life or if we can't find some more mutually comfortable sx pattern.

I am attending SAA and have just begun a relationship with a sponsor.

Sorry this is all about me but sometimes I need to tell y story - especially to someone on such a similar journey.

May G bless you and you marriage / family journey.

I will add you to my daily prayer thoughts

Dave

[Daniel]

Thank you very much Dave. Same here, I will support your recovery/healing of wife's points with prayer also. Strength in numbers!

[Lucky Man]

First off, good job starting your journal. I hope it helps you as much as mine has helped me. We have very similar histories Daniel, from early exposure to p to our age. Although if you are "old man Dan", then I have to be"ancient Lucky Man" because I'm 47. Anyway great job on your 147 days, I'm currently at 80, (june 1st) and have no desire to be miserable, feel guilty, or hurt anyone EVER again. Keep up the fight, and I am looking forward to reading your posts.....God bless LM

[Daniel]

I'm elated this morning for a lot of reasons.

Particularly satisfying is the complete absence of break-down-the-door negative thoughts, flashbacks to P-use etc. These are gone today.
All of the stuff I used to recall so easily -it's gone, can't recall it anymore. If I wanted to could I? Yes probably. But I really don't want to thus the memories continue to fade, completely out hopefully.
Early this morning I was using the family laptop to move music from Windows to itunes to my BD-present ipod. Now that's what a PC is for! Construction not destruction. I was so happy to be able to do this task and have zero thoughts about what I used to do with the computer at times, early in the morning. Beautiful.

And I shared with Mrs. Daniel about starting my journal yesterday, 'talking' and sharing with the many good people here. She was very happy. And of course that makes me feel great, validates my being here in the first place. During recovery it's extremely important to me that she knows what I'm up, particularly online, and buys in to what I'm thinking. And how. Perhaps she'll make an 'appearance' one day...

As LM said in his journal this morning: "Life is Good". Amen to that!

Daniel

"A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished." Proverbs 22:3"

[Lucky Man]

Well Daniel, it sounds like life is treating you well. Congrats on your computer tasking, I’m sure it felt good to be able to reach a goal on your pc without having the past haunt you. And I couldn’t agree with you more about letting our wives know the whats, wheres, whys, and hows of our thinking and daily actions. I think this helps them with maybe trusting us a little more, and confirms that the “battle� is under control. And I hope Mrs. Daniel does make an “appearance� at this site, I can tell you it has helped storm out. If she reads your posts, I bet it will just be a matter of time before she joins in. I read and read before I ever posted. I was happy reading and learning from others but really didn’t want to get “my stuff� out there. Not only because I was ashamed, but being mostly shy, didn’t feel I could really communicate effectively……now you can’t shut me up….I need to post, it helps to get it out, to write it down, and it helps with my communication skills (or lack there of). And lastly, thank you for your words of encouragement in my journal; I like the investment idea….and staying positive, forward progress indeed!! Good luck to you, and have yourself an awesome day. LM

[Daniel]

Another good day today. And yesterday wound up well.

Got home from work and found the house empty. 150 days ago this would have been a huge problem. Not anymore and I AM SO GLAD. I focused on chores: 1) hose piles of mud out of truck's undercarriage [had some fun on way home from work], 2) fill up bird feeders, 3) go for a run in the forest.

During my run a lot of things ran through my mind; I want to get them into my journal but they'll have to wait their turn. One of them was on the proposition of being vulnerable to my Soul Mate Mrs. Daniel and others.

During my adolescence, as a result of peers and certain family dysfunction, I became an expert at turning my nerves into steel. At that time it was the highest internal compliment if I could feel nothing. "Feeling nothing" was cool. Nothing was allowed to bother me. Nothing bothered my friends. By definition "problems" did not exist.

In other words, the walls had been erected so high and so thick that NOTHING can get in (or out!). These walls went up around the same time I began to get wrapped in the cords of P addiction.
As I got older the walls were dismantled in various areas of my life.

But not the P area. That area was off limits.

Now that the vicious addiction cycle has been broken, the last big wall is thrown down and I am incredibly vulnerable to those closest to me. Very unfamiliar territory. I am the most vulnerable to Mrs. Daniel.

And she handles that responsibility really well.

Of course I am really glad about this too (big understatement here).

Being vulnerable, becoming vulnerable, seems to be a learned skill.. It has to do with sharing your innermost thoughts, something PA militates against. I have (thank God) learned to do this. And Mrs. Daniel has learned to make a safe environment for my sharing. We have learned together. Now there's something "cool"!

And in the same way I have shared here at TTF. Similarly it makes me vulnerable here. I know that vulnerability is in good hands based on my experiences thus far.

The Coping Mechanisms of the days of old have to be thrown into the junk pile. I am sure I went to P to cope with a lot various daily pressures, in addition to the brute habit.

Without P I continue to learn to cope in healthy ways, a lot of which revolves around communicating with my Soul Mate. And without fear of reprisal.

This is the place I am in now and I'm very very grateful for it.

Daniel

[Michael]

Seems you and I have very parallel paths. I grew up in a family where there was no "I Love You's" or emotions or shown affection. My parents even slept in different beds. I’ve done the same thing you have and conditioned myself to be numb to personal and even others feelings. I think this is the reason porn seem to fit so well. I could have the satisfaction without the emotional attachment. This coupled with loosing my dad and several good friends when I was younger really let me build these walls nice and thick. Ive never made this connection before.

Thanks for sharing.

[Little lock]

Hey Daniel. You're whole journal, despite the fact that it runs up to one page, is full of information and thus I apolgise if I have not read through everyone of them. I do, however, have a rough picture of whats going on right now. Congrats on the 150 days! Its a huge accomplishment, and you deserve it buddy!

And you're right in the part of being vulnerable. Intimacy, love, being vulnerable, these things seem to be what P abhors. All the more we should use it in our march to freedom. Welp, that's all. Good luck!:)

[Daniel]

Man alive!

It's hard to imagine what it used to be like running, hiding, lying, stashing, scheming, planning, being weary, being tired, frustrated, feeling intense guilt and self-hatred, remorse, regret, fear, pain, the shakes, the chills, guilt guilt guilt did I say "Guilt"?.

Gone are those days! God have mercy.

I 'arrived' here about Day 122. But this site and the communtiy have been a Huge Help. I've learned some new things. I've been edified by others' journals and relating.

Thank you to TTF for this site and this forum.

Thank you to all those who have made this latest journey out of P and into freedom so possible.

Very much appreciated, I'm very grateful.

Daniel