Onward: Daniel's Journal

[JenMac]

Hi Daniel!
Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. Hard to do I am sure!
Daniel, your story is what I fear, what most of us fear, I believe. I can so see this very thing happening over time. Believing we have this beat, becoming a little neglectful of our 'program', stretching the limits just a little, and then a little more, as time goes on.
I think that is why I have been so needing to keep this in the forefront during this time. Why the thought of letting it go, even just a little, scares me. But then I do worry about how long we can keep this up. I guess it is evident that we need to do this in an ongoing, continuing way. Is that possible? Only time will tell.
Funny enough, when Mac and I were away on our vacation, having a wonderful time, we became aware that while we were connected, we weren't really feeling that very close and intimate connection that we have come to know. We were distracted, not by bad things, but by our wonderful surroundings and activities. Now that is not a bad thing, to be distracted from our troubles for a time and once we were off on our own, in a different setting, we were able to get that close connection back again. So all is good.
But I have come to realize that by discussing this addiction and the ramifications it has had on us, daily, it actually has a way of fostering that bond between us. Strange but true. I feel like we are in fact using this struggle to move us ahead in a way I wouldn't have understood until lately. It seems to keep us in a good place, most often.
Daniel, I am glad you are back! I am glad you are feeling strong in your committment and that you and Mrs. D are working your way through this, together! Can't ask for anything more than that!
All the best!
Jenn

[TooSensitive]

Daniel, I am an SO here since January this year. I am slowly starting to read some of the RA journals, such as yours. Up 'til now, I've been afraid to. Afraid of what I'd read that might correlate to my own h's journey. But in reading how you jump right back onto the wagon after falling off, and how well Mrs. Daniel and you are doing, I am inspired to keep reading and to remain hopeful for my own marriage to get to where you two are at.

ETA: Forgot to say I am thinking of printing out parts of your journal for my h to read (he does not come here). I have said that about one of the other journals too, but haven't yet found the courage to follow through. Anyway, I think if he reads what you wrote, he will identify with it, and it might help him.

[paulmor909]

I read your "What Happened" post and I myself just started my 5th Day clean (100% clean that is). The compromising and other materials I now have to admit for me is just another part of the addiction. More so, it is a habit, once that once you start it and get it rooted is very hard to break. But I decided I can't just quit P, I must quit looking at ANY and ALL objectionable materials that God would disprove of or could serve as triggers. Than as I have worked the steps God has hit me things like my own morals, values, integrity, and honesty to myself. So I had to ask myself am I doing right to look at websites of N female celebrities? Or girls dressed in suggestive clothing or swimwear? Or just movie clips from something innocent like R rated movies (not really so innocent)? Man I could on and on, it's almost like a wicked curiosity to look at things that could stimulate me and provide another little escape or fix. I was probably doing some of this even in my 10 1/2 months of sobriety without even thinking about it. Like walking along the fence and going over the lines (just a little bit). I'm more than just a P addict, I'm a S addict. I get obsessed and act out. These things are habits and the root causes I believe are all the same as regular P. I cannot do it anymore, that connection and light from God just keeps shining down and the light can't exist with the darkness. So I see my wrongs, and want to dedicate myself to developing NEW habits! I hope you can break the pattern if your still doing what i was. Part of this week for me is admitting it, getting honest, and coming here for accountability. On my own I keep swaying back again. If I know I have something to answer to (like a journal), I have to give account for my success or failure! Hope you come back too and start posting again!

[Disillusioned]

Daniel,
I have read your heart-felt, brutally honest journal from start to finish today. I am amazed at your strength, your commitment as a husband, as a Christian, as a father, and as a loving, supportive, responsible member here at TTF. I want to thank you for all your loving efforts here on TTF and for the strength you evidence in journaling your struggles.

There are several things that strike me about your struggle. All men are attracted to women of child-bearing proportions and this is a biological imperative. P makes a man more sensitive to looking for these women when they are out in public, the beach, the mall, in a magazine, in a news web site. It really feeds what is a natural amount of lust and notice of women of reproductive potential into what might be termed a seeing frenzy (I’m thinking of our friends, the sharks here and their feeding frenzy, of course.) My h always points out to me that men are visual creatures. Women see things too, and look for fine detail. Think how many times you have I lost something, looked and looked for it, and your wife or one of your daughters rescued you. It is feeding the lust that leads us too far down the path into obsession with female images. Recovering p addicts, can only note, and turn away, in my mind.

You have the strength and faith in God to help you and the belief and validation of a precious woman to aid you. You have 4 daughters who I imagine you would not want to have PAs look at the way PAs see women. There is so much going for you, and still you struggle. Your standards are high, and that is honorable.

You owe no one here at TTF anything. You only owe God, yourself, your wife and family to become and stay the better man that you are able to be without P. Too many of us here look to others to hope for victory in our own lives and situations. That may be too much of a mantle for a mere human to carry. You have documented your struggle when lesser men would simply not have brought this up, as it is a source of discomfort, and you might fear that your struggle will discourage others. I am urging you to do whatever you need to do for yourself, and not let the weight of all the high and hopeful expectations here weigh you down. You have been a wonderful teacher.

God bless you on your personal journey, God bless your wife, and I am grateful for the sense of her presence and forgiveness and empathy in your life, as you detail your stories.
God bless your friend who says he’s never been interested in the emptiness of the mags, etc. I keep hearing there are men out there like this, but it is nice to have a first hand experience with one, even if I am only borrowing yours.

Thanks again for your painful sharing.
disillusioned

[Daniel]

Last night I entertained a question from Mrs. Daniel that started off with "can I ask you a question?"

The funny thing about a question starting off like this -I know what's coming next. It always starts this way, as I pointed out and we (actually) shared a laugh about it.

Mrs. Daniel wanted to know, if I was using again, would I tell her? Everything is on the line: knowing how much I have to lose there must be incredible motivation to lie.

I said I would tell her again. Who would want to live in the shame, after having not lived in the shame for a while now?

This question is anticipated everyday, though I don't really expect she will ask me everyday. Praise God, as a couple we are very far beyond that because she does trust me now. For those of you PAs with SOs, you will know how very deeply that rebuilt trust is appreciated AND guarded.

There's something about having a clean conscience, knowing you're not hiding and lying, that you are trusted, can discern black from white, not compromising, able to stand at the appointed time and make some hard personal decisions, or work decisions, where others are depending on you. This has lately given me some extra motivation to continue in sobriety.

It's not as if I am cured. I still have the old thoughts, memories with increasing levels of dust building up, and I work to rid my brain of those thoughts and the old memories.

Dreams. On occasion I have dreams where I am watching. The PA will know what I mean without me having to provide any more details. It's not explicit necessarily, but perhaps only risque. Only very rarely am I participating in any way. The toughest part about these dreams is my committment to total honesty with Mrs. Daniel, whereupon the first good chance I have I share my dreams. I have been using my willingness to share the dreams as an indicator of my new (since July 2011) "total honesty" approach with Her. Not wanting to share a particularly bad dream is a bad sign. In the last several years, there have been a handful of these dreams, sometimes waking up with a yell and feeling very dirty and helpless. How can you "not dream" a dream?

The dropoff in unpleasant dreams I interpret as a good sign: garbage in, garbage out. Purity in, purity out. Good thinking in, good thinking out.

Business trips. I have been doing a lot of these lately. Many of you PAs will know that business trips can be recipes for disaster when it comes to binging. I remember all too well the buildups that would take place ahead of a trip. Unfettered access, etc. Yuck. That's what I say nowadays, yuck. Can't do it. Won't do it. I actually could if I wanted to. But I don't want to. In fact, the pace on trips has been so fast, the importance high, others depending on me, not to mention a family eagerly waiting for me to reappear with hugs and sweets, perhaps some small gifts, and best of all, A CLEAN CONSCIENCE. Something so simple yet so very powerful.

There is still a war going on in my mind. But the noise of it has grown less and less. Trust is back with Mrs. Daniel. Our marriage is stronger than ever. Relationship with God is intact and growing. Work is going very well. Kids are doing well. Life is going well. And now a bomb appears under my foot in the form of a temptation. Should I take the temptation and step on the bomb?

No way.

Best to everyone!,

Daniel

[Dominus]

I like you Daniel, always so encouraging. So happy to see your success, your wife must be so very proud of you! I know I am!