Onward: Daniel's Journal

[HopefulsRock]

Daniel I abosolutely love this post and I agree with Teemo... thanks for showing us the way!

I love it so much I wrote a song about it! ...well me and Elton John!

Daniel is travelling tonight in his car
I can see the red tail lights heading for dance class so far
Oh and I can see Daniel waving goodbye
God it looks like Daniel, must be the clouds lifted from his eyes

They say Texas is pretty though I've never been
Well Daniel says it's the best place that he's ever seen
Oh and he should know, he's been there enough
Lord we love Daniel, oh I we love him so much

Daniel my brother you are wiser than me
You spend free time as it ought to be spent
Your eyes have brightened and you see more than I
Daniel you're a star in the face of the TTF sky

Daniel is travelling tonight in his car
I can see the red tail lights heading for swim class now
Oh and I can see Daniel waving goodbye
God it looks like Daniel, must have the clouds lifted from his eyes
Oh God it looks like Daniel, must have the clouds lifted from his eyes

[Daniel]

Holy Moly!

What a tribute Rock. Thank you very much. Extremely kind of you.

Daniel

[Daniel]

Dear TTF,

You have been instrumental in my recovery.

When there have been bumps and jitters and temptations, you have been there 24/7 to listen and encourage and challenge and help to keep me on the path.

So why have I neglected you?

The usual suspects of family, work, volunteerism, trips, etc. All true. Cannot spend as much time on the boards as I used to.

But can I still be as devoted to my recovery when I am not as devoted to TTF?

No.

The raw truth:

I note from my first few posts in this journal (around July or early August 2008), that the temptation of the day was not outright P itself but the edgy material.

True enough. And the thinking about the edgy material and saying to myself that since it "wasn't P" it was OK to look at it. So here and there and with noted increasing frequency, I began to dabble.

Not P? A philosophical question that PA in recovery would DO WELL to not ask himself or play around with.

As a recovering PA who needs to be serious, it was all baloney. I let my guard down and began to rationalize.

As I am a purist (in theory), and would prefer to hold a stark Black/White distinction with "material", and anything that would alarm Mrs. Daniel is (or should be) considered off-limits.

To put it another way, as a parallel to my Christian walk, if you are doing anything at all it is either 1) helping your recovery, or 2) hurting your recovery. You are either moving forward or backward, winning or losing.

Last night we watched "Fireproof" and subsequently had a conversation about whether I had been looking at stuff. A great movie by the way.

The truth was I had been looking. I was deeply ashamed. I was not willing to lie and shared the truth. Mrs. Daniel (God bless her soul) took the news well. We had a talk about our marriage and the simple fact that it will never be the way it's supposed to be if I am "looking".

I couldn't agree more.

Thus here I am. Almost 3 years on TTF, for which I am very grateful, and more than a year(?) as Moderator and involved in site management, for which I am also very grateful.

I am almost 40 months into this stage of my recovery.

It has been over 10 years since I wrecked the heart of my Soul Mate when my P addiction was first discovered.

And it has been 35 years since my first exposure to P.

I WILL NEVER GIVE UP THE FIGHT. And I predict I will master it.

Note I didn't say "overcome" as I believe this particular weakness will be with me until the end of my Earthly sojourn. Everybody has a weakness, this is mine.

Thank you for listening,

Daniel

[JenMac]

Hi Daniel,
Welcome back my friend!
I am glad to see you here. I am glad that you have considered your present circumstances and recommitted to a hard line. I too believe that is the only way through this, the only way to stay the course. Must be hard to maintain with all that is around us, but necessary just the same.
I too believe that our ongoing committment to staying connected to TTF will assist in keeping our recovery and healing current and help to keep on the right path. It seems that this has to remain part of our mindset in order to keep outside influences from, well, influencing us.
Mac and I watched Fireproof as well. It was loaned to us by some very caring people in our lives. Mac has also completed the Love Dare that goes along with that movie. It was such a great tool for deepening our connection. It reaffirmed much of what Mac was already doing for me and our relationship. We read from it last night. We hope it will continue to be something that will foster many meaningful conversations.
Daniel, I am glad you are here. I am glad you have had this awakening at this time, before further damage could happen.
You have been a guiding light for many of us here! Welcome back! We have missed you and your wisdom!
All the best,
Jenn

[Mac]

Hey there Daniel
Just wanted to thank you so much for sharing this post with us all.
This is a very important message for all of us in recovery, not to get to comfortable with where we are.
For all of us who have had some long term success it is not very hard to rest on our laurels, but for someone like you who has had probably the longest run of sobriety on the site, to come here with this kind of info, it makes us all stop and take a look at our own direction. I feel like i have accepted the fact that this has to be a lifetime committment, just a new way of living my life is how i like to look at it. I am really very much ok with that, the rewards have been amazing.
Anyway, just a thanks for jogging our thought process to where it needs to be.
Staying here at TTF as an active participant is a great way keep us deligent. I have let my participation fall off a lot lately with the same excuses of being to busy. you make me realize I need to be here more than i am, and i will be again, thanks.

Always great to see a post from you, as you are very much seen as a leader here at TTF.

all the best
Mac

[wantingfreedom]

Daniel,
I have recently been introduced to TTF by my SO.
Your journal is so similar to what mine would have been had I the sanity and courage to prevent the harm I have caused to my wife.
I have begun to journal and I have also started to read yours going back to the start.
I have already made a page of notes and action outlines that you speak about and I'm only to page 20 of your journal.
I hope to be able to talk with you in chat soon. There are so many wonderfully supportive people who share and prop each other up at TTF.

One of your entries (date 01-15-2009) reminded me of a recent discussion with my SO - how I felt like I was a guard on duty at night hearing a twig snap in the dark... a sudden twing in the pit of my stomach when something passes through my field of vision. Without a thought before hand of looking and still a super sensitivity... this must be harnessed and made into habit...the anxiety based in reality and avoidance rether than in deciet and lies is so much more palitable.

My awareness of a higher power has been confirmed by the good people who have been put before us in our moment of dire need. My best wishes and thanks to you and we will talk soon I hope.

Wantingfreedom.

[Daniel]

Thank you very very much, JenMac, Mac, and wantingfreedom!

The strength of TTF on display again with your words of support and wisdom.

I will be gone on a business trip and will not be around (or will I? -I will try).

Hang Tough and if you are person of prayer, I would really covet your prayers for Mrs. Daniel, my Soul Mate.

Daniel

[HopefulsRock]

Hey Daniel... sorry to hear that you were getting caught up in the temptations again. This stuff is everywhere and even though it's not P any such allure of lust can surely bring us down. I truly appreciate your honesty with us here and I hope Mrs. Daniel is able to rise up through it all because she sounds like an amazing woman with how she's handled it so far! I will indeed say a prayer for her to maintain her strength and confidence as she travels in this journey of recovery!

[FoolishMind]

Hello Daniel,

Im sure the tempation flurry has passed, and you are feeling your usual awesome self!

Im feel a little blugh today, and felt i needed the comfort of TTF, and so thought I would pop into your humble abode that is your journal space to kind of feel like I popped in to visit you.

But as your not home right now, I will just help myself to tea and biscuits, and leave you a note, and catch up with you later!

See ya round!
FM

[maggie]

I don't know what to say Daniel.

I want to write something encouraging to you, like you have done for so many here, but if I'm understanding what you've just written here, I feel sucker punched...and frightened.

This is my selfish rant: I read your journal daily when I joined here in Nov 09.
You gave me hope in a hopeless situation.
It was easier to have trust in you and your recovery than to trust my partner, because you were a neutral person who didn't hurt me and you were remorseful and committed to conquering this monster. You were logical. You helped so many people here with your thoughts, words and example.

My partner never developed the depth of understanding of this emotional and physical mess called p addiction that you did, so I worry every day that he will never be able to conquer it.

Please do not fall.