Onward: Daniel's Journal

[dave]

A very nice list that I can relate to as well.
I feel a special bond with you in that both our journeys are approaching 2 years.

Take care
Thoughts and prayers
Dave

[Daniel]

Thank you Foolish and Dave.

Yes I feel the same way. We are all "in" about the same time and have covered some of the same ground.

And it seems we have arrived at a place where we may not be completely comfortable, but a couple of galaxies away from the place where we started.

All the Best to both of you,

Daniel

[Daniel]

So I go to my road-riding spot at lunch to do some laps on the bike.

It is an abandoned neighborhood with a looped street, no cars, quiet, trees everywhere -very picturesque.

But it's not the place you'd go on the weekends as you can tell by the more secluded turnouts and dead-ends that partying etc., goes on and who knows what else.

I unload the bike, prepare to ride, step out to the street to get in the pedals and guess what I see alongside the road...

Yep. A weathered and discarded P mag.

It's been a lot of years since I've seen one.

I didn't go to studying the thing to be sure what it was. Even though it was a brief glimpse, I knew.

I've been riding in this place going on 3 years and this has never happened.

The split-second decision was those pictures/pages etc., had to go as I did not want the fact of their presence to be a distraction in a place that I closely associate with outdoor serenity and good exercise.

Not to mention that I would literally be riding right over or right by them with every lap. Blah.

So I (picture this) walk towards the God-forsaken paper without looking directly at it, reach down and claw around until I've got it, crumple into a tiny ball and chuck into the brush without looking to see where it landed. I repeated this exercise about 4X to remove the TRASH from my beloved course.

Job completed I did my ride and felt a certain sense of accomplishment.

There are a handful of runners who run through the same area at lunch. I couldn't help but notice that some of them, one in particular, when we were both in the area where I did the clean-up operation, he seemed to be more than a little distracted with looking along the side of the road... Could've been my imagination.

I would like to say I'm this perfect angel who never thinks about these things or who hasn't looked, thought, remembered, triggering-type material etc., but I cannot.

But I'll do my best. And I will not ever stop trying to be more clean.

Thank you LORD.

And thank you TTF for listening.

Daniel

[Daniel]

I am coming up on two years free. And yet there has been intense pressure to go back to the old ways.

Why?

There have been a number of stressful aspects to life lately, involving my own work, Mrs. Daniel's work, a very busy family schedule, not being able to spend much time with Mrs. Daniel due to her schedule, boredom with some of the tedium that my job entails, wanting a "hit".

But thank God my work has very strong filters in place (and always has). Although I don't really need them.

What I really need is a reinforcing of everything I've said here! And that is SO FRUSRATING!

It's the triggers, plain and simple.

Back in the earliest part of my journal I note that triggery-type material was my path-forward headache as far back as July 2008.

I must state in public, here, that I Reinforce My Plan to Include Anything that Causes Even a Mental Vibration.

Is that too strong?

Maybe it is. But it seems if I relax my standards then my mind begins to play games with what is acceptable to see, what is acceptable to think.

And all of us PAs know that once the Door to Rationalization is cracked open even a little tiny bit, then pretty soon the whole farm has passed through and the slide begins.

Please pardon me while I vent.

Another thing: all of you (or nearly all of you!) know that I am not shy about my Christianity.

Whatever your worldview, let's say for the sake of argument that when I teach Christianity to others, it does them (and me) some good. We are "built-up" using the Christian rubric. We are encouraged and reinforced in our faith and walk with Christ.

Don't you know that whenever I am scheduled to teach or need/want to read my Bible, there is terrible pressure for me to indulge in the trigger material. This is spiritual warfare plain and simple. Someone wants me out of the way.

In a way that is a good thing. That is, if I wasn't doing any good, then I wouldn't be giving the Devil too much of a problem and he would leave me alone.

I want to be very honest that I am far from perfect.

But I am fulfilling my mission. And I always will!

I just wished it was easier than this.

Daniel

[Benedict]

You are an example to all of us, that it is possible to beat this addiction. And you say the triggers are still there after nearly two years, causing mental vibrations and those rationalizing thoughts to arise. But you are consciously deciding not to follow those thoughts and make the wrong decisions. So that is really success. And something to be incredibly proud about!

It would be so easy if the triggers and thoughts disappeared, then PF would be a cakewalk and not a big deal. Would be so great if thats what happens. Maybe it does for some people, we are all different. But if it does not, you are the example that its possible to still have triggers, thoughts, etc and to decide not to act on them.

For me, there is still a dangerous tendency to skate. I think you are past that. I will have to ponder why I do it....probably key to remaining PF for me.

[dave]

I have had an easier stretch in the past week or two but the old triggers were at me last month.

I don't have a clear answer but here are a few thoughts that come to mind in my own life. My counsellor and I learned to look for the underlying emotional currents that can show up on the surface as triggers.

For me it is sometimes self worth issues. When I was facing some health stuggle or work challenge these triggers suddenly seem more active. It seems the odd innocent fleetin glance at a commerical or a pix at the bottom of the newspaper have too much influence on me. At other times these distraction pass easily. But when something is lurking deeper they seem to draw me. I actually feel fear then.

Other times it is when I am around my failing parents. Two things catch me under the surface here - the inevitable finality of loosing them and the painful memories of the poor ways they handled some of the sx issues of my youth.

Sometimes these trigger just come out of the blue and then a day or so latter I will see some issue that was under the surface.

When the triggers start to annoy me I try to take some time to reflect on the inner me and what I need in terms of self care. Often spending some physical / non sx time with my wife helps. But always I need to get busy quite soon. A long walk, or better yet, a long XC ski are great times to refocus my spirit.

More and more I realize that I need to be graceful with all the Dave's that still live inside me. There are several besides this 57 year old. Sometimes they need 'caring for'. Decades of using sx to salve their anxieties mean there is some conditioning that still wants attention.

I guess in the end all we can do is say a pray, stay clean and wait for the crud to pass. . . .

Take care
I'll keep a prayer and a thought for you...

Dave

[Little lock]

Hey man. Keep your chin up eh:) I'm on 8 days, you're on two years. Yeah its probably still tough at some corners, but you don't need me to tell you that you've done great so far. Like benedict said, if PA was an easy addiction to overcome then things would be a piece of cake. But look, you've all but overcomed something really, really tough. I've been trying for the past two years and I still haven't gotten that far. You on the other hand have soared!

The "maintenance" work might not be as easy as you wish it to be, but you've already done so much so far. Don't let such a thing bug you so much. Stay vigilant, yes. And remember how well you've done thus far.

Stay strong.

[Desert Ghost]

Daniel,

While read some of your earlier posts I came across this "Being vulnerable, becoming vulnerable, seems to be a learned skill.. It has to do with sharing your innermost thoughts, something PA militates against. I have (thank God) learned to do this. And Mrs. Daniel has learned to make a safe environment for my sharing. We have learned together. Now there's something "cool"!"

I seem to be a this point in my life were I am have to learn what you did so, long ago. I find it very uncomfortable and alien. But, in my family there was no such thing as open honest communication. An if I said anything that might upset my mother especially the environment would become very uncomfortable and my father would tell me "don't upset your mother" this from the same man who would go hide in his workshop to avoid confrontation with my mother.

[Daniel]

DG,

I will respond to this post in your journal. See it there!

Godspeed,

Daniel

[Desert Ghost]

Well Daniel I haven't seen any posts here for awhile. I hope that everything in going well. If so, keep up the good work and enjoy yourself.