Onward: Daniel's Journal

[Little lock]

Gasp! Daniel is back! Jokes aside, its nice to know you're doing well buddy. And I'm also happy that Ike left you unharmed:) And yeah, I'm glad that TTF is back online again after a short hiatus. Luck to you.

[SetMeFree!]

Daniel,

Today was the first I read over your entire journal. I couldn't help myself...I broke down and cried. You are a good man Daniel. Keep the inspirations coming...they are more valuable to us than you realize.

God bless.

SMF

[Vorlan]

Hey Daniel,

You've come a long way my friend. I hope the hurricane didn't do too much damage besides the tree. Thanks for your recent comments! I can see you're words of wisdom accross the sight. Great work!

Keep it up,

Ben

[Rowlf]

I'm always happy to be 'blown away' by your thoughtful and compassionate sharing here on the forums.

Glad the universe didn't take this too literately!

It's amazing the number of near misses we have in life. Glad the tree fell in the right direction for you all. I reckon there's a legion of angels looking out for us. On the P front the number of times my internet connection has gone down at the right time for me to have some time for consideration of what I'm doing. Not always taken notice of it in the past. Am doing so now!

[Daniel]

I have become sensitive. It's crazy!

Yesterday my wife said, regarding a promise to help clean out a room, "I guess you're just all talk."

I had to look away for fear I'd be shedding tears in front of her and the kids (we were in the car). Dave has talked about this and now I can somewhat relate. I almost wondered out loud what has happened to me.

But I think I know.

As I have sought to shed the exterior armor of secrecy and false stoicism that was to a large extent built to hide my P addiction, my true honest-to-God feelings have come more to the forefront.

I see this as a huge new and good development but sometimes it can get in my way. I'm sure Mrs. Daniel did not intend for her comment to run as deep as it did.

The grand effort to rebuild my self-esteem, confidence, integrity, practice honesty, has caused me to be overly sensitive when someone questions me on made promises or other issues around "core Daniel".

I've talked before how, as an adolescent and rebel punk don't-care-about-anything teenager, my highest goal was to Feel Nothing. In hindsight I see this was several things: 1) a protection mechanism for my feelings, self-esteem, etc., 2) a cloak to hide behind so when I did wrong things (fill in the blank) I would not feel guilty, 3) a way to appear "cool" to my friends, and 4) to fit in, because in degrees they were Feeling Nothing too.

The good news was my conscience stayed alive and the guilt never really went away. Not until I was Regenerated by the Forgiver and Regenerator, but I digress.

I am thankful my feelings have returned. I hope and pray that when they are hurt that I do not cause collateral damage in my reaction(s), be they silence or less-than-kind responses...

SMF, Rowlf, Vorlan -thank you very much for the kind words, they are very encouraging.

Daniel

[Little lock]

That was a very insightful post Daniel. To some extent I can relate to the Not feeling anything feeling, since most teens either go all out to hide their emotions or just let it all out. About the overly sensitive thing, maybe it could be just another part of your recovery, which is a sign that you're on the right track? I dunno, its just my opinion.

Anyway, keep up the good work and just relax. Feelings are just feelings:) Luck!

[Vorlan]

I agree with LL, that was a great post Daniel. I'm still a teenager myself and I find that quitting P has made me more aware of how much I habitually hide how I feel. There are only a couple of people I don't keep secrets from. People always seem a little shocked if I have bad days. It's a side of me I don't usually let show. Going for a walk usually helps me get over it. So yeah I can understand about this making you more sensitive. I tend to be able to ignore insults etc but if one of my closer friends rejects me even in a minor way like not wanting my company for a while it cuts like a knife. I guess we will get tougher as time goes on but I think in many ways it's important to feel pain, even for little things. I guess it makes us more human...

Well either way, good to hear you're still fighting.

Best of luck to you,

Ben

[dave]

I think you were referring to me Dan ???
Yes, my tears were very close to the surface but that has lessened somewhat.

I am not sure if it was a return to the "real me" or a phase I needed to work through. My doc and I talked about some short term meds but decided together to leave the emotions open for work with the great couselor I have.

As I see it now, the lack of P and M have left me "feeling more". I have quite a pile for LOSS to deal with.
- loss of integrity, self respect
- loss of time - years
- loss of self image
- loss issues from some childhood abuse that has never been worked through
- loss re recent major career shift that I was using P M SX to adjust with
- loss of hope for my relationship "this PA is the best I can get"

Now that I am clean of P M for close to 6 months I can see and feel things so much clearer. Part of this is to live out the pain for my losses head on. My couselor uses the British phrase " I am a little chuffed to realize that I CAN handle this on my own "
chuffed - a healthy pride

Even if it is rocky at times, wading through these emotions without bailing with P M SX is worth it. I have grown and I can grasp that feeling don't last - sobriety does. The sun always shows up.

In more spiritual term - God is guiding if I only let go and let god

Take care Daniel

At times there is too much to read on this site but I always try to catch most of your post.

Thanks for adding so much to our community. If you are like me you get as much from posting as we do from reading

God Bless all Be graceful with yourselves.
Dave

[Daniel]

I think you were referring to me Dan ???

Even if it is rocky at times, wading through these emotions without bailing with P M SX is worth it. I have grown and I can grasp that feeling don't last - sobriety does. The sun always shows up.

Thanks for adding so much to our community. If you are like me you get as much from posting as we do from reading

God Bless all Be graceful with yourselves.
Dave

Yes Dave, it was you I thought of when I was nearing the brink of tears at that moment. And I thought, "Hey, Dave can do it. I can do it." Your perhaps unintentional support for another struggling brother, remembered at precisely the right time.

Thank you for your comments. Your quotes are EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

Vorlan and LL, thank you very much. Lot of wisdom there -just let the feelings come and go and to Remember They Will Go! How important that is! Thank you very much guys.

I will be traveling to the Rocky Mountains for a field trip, Everyone hang tough while I'm out, I will "miss" everyone!

Daniel

[Daniel]

Back in action.

The week away was good but a flood of the old thoughts had to be constantly battled/put away. I can't really explain this seemingly random cycle where the old memories and thought life patterns are very dusty and nearly impossible to recall, or don't even think about recalling them at all, and a new cloud blows in and the thoughts resurface and won't stay away.

The solution I found at the toughest points was a simple prayer of deliverance. Another solution (in tandem with the first) was to force my mind to focus hard on the task at hand. Another option was to move out, walk away, change the environment.

Mind you, I wasn't even near a computer, TV, DVD player -not even a radio for news! We were encamped in a remote area, remote enough to not have cell phone coverage (now that is "way out there" ha ha).

Nevertheless, the thoughts came.

I emerged "OK" and didn't perform as nice as I'd like -that is every thought ditched as it came in... Other than the thought life issues everything else associated with my being 'out' went very well.

And I'm glad to be back. Hello and Greetings to the Collective!

Go Big,

Daniel