Onward: Daniel's Journal

[Rowlf]

... And so long as I do not skate near the edge or play games in my mind or actions as to "how far can I go and not cross the line..?", then continued success is virtually assured.

.....

Daniel

Hey Daniel,

Thanks for this. I've grabbed the quote for my journal as well - I'm feeling like if I need to walk further away from the edge, not walk towards it to check where it might be right now!

Thanks for your wisdom!

[Daniel]

I would ask why it is that I can go for many days and not have the slightest wobble in my thinking. And then have a day where I get mentally slammed with all sorts of "Try this" or "Do that" sort of thinking.

In the big scheme of things, this "Why?" question would be really far down the list of things to ask God about.

But I am bothered that, being several hundred days into freedom I still have to wrestle with the potential of wrong thinking and skating close to the edge.

I say "skating" because it's not P that is the temptation but racy pics, news items, other provocative material.

I can never view P again.

The current menace is to compromise.

And our culture unfortunately reinforces this idea continually in virtually every possible form of media ad nauseum ad infinitum.

This far into recovery, I can honestly say I have not looked at P or S acts. And these things do not cause my mind to race simply because they have been absent for so long that the old pull is gone (thank you God).

And in the name of my visual sensitivity coming back to something like normal, something that most would consider innocuous I may find gives me pause.

We have made the mistake of seeing movies that caused a certain amount of incidental contact with very risque material. VERY. But I handled it fine. No relapse etc.

And in the day-to-day of life, certain things happen, are witnessed, or watched, or glimpsed, etc. It's life. It happens. And I just move on and don't let it bother me.

It's really a question of a New Equilibrium and what is OK and what is not OK to see.

It's a struggle to not beat myself up about "mental performance" or nag myself with questions about a story or a picture and wondering if it's appropriate... Compared to my life 2 years ago this is very tame.

All things are permissible but does it build me up or tear me down?

That is probably the question that needs to be asked.

Pardon my blather.

Onward!,

Daniel

[castaway16]

Hi Daniel.

First of all, Thanks for the reassurance that "that pull goes away". I for one really need to know this from time to time.

Regarding your wonderment, I guess you're fine if you :
-Don't actively look for those "compromises".
-Move on safely, and quickly if possible, when when compromises are accidental.
Both of which you do. So I believe what you're talking about is just a normal person's viewpoint. As one who has PA experience, I'd say that's definitely not a PA's mindset.

I think what your post could be portrayed as a person questioning the current moral values of the society and himself, and contrasting that with the media offers. So for me, I'd tell you congrats again, for turning into this !

I remember a discussion on the forum before, that we aren't trying to beat our human natural desires. i.e, we definitely could be easily aroused by something provocative, that's a natural consequence and not specific to PAs. We are just trying to break a certain filthy addiction, which you seem to have already done.

Castaway

[dave]

I've just passed 600 days clean from P and MB, and my experiences are similar to yours Daniel.

In my case I know that sx thoughts, fantasy tend to pop up when I am under stress. It is the place that I always went to over my decades of undulgence in P and MB.

When these times visit me I say a quick prayer and move on to some activity. Often this means trying to adress the things that are emotionally challenging me.

I recently spent over 2 weeks apart from my wife. During that time I was very lonely, emotionally troubled by health issues and horny. But I made it through by 'working my program'. At times I was quite troubled but I was able to reflect on the bigger picture of my recovery and tough it out.

All-in-all it was a good learning experience.

Still I wish those TV and magazin images didn't 'pull me'.
A day at a time is all I have to do.

Overall the new life of recovery that I have is far more valuable than all those thousands of hours compusively fixated on a screen and acting out.

So glad I found my way to this new life - without getting all religious there certainly was a mystery at work leading me into a new life.

Take care all.

Dave

[gnein]

But I am bothered that, being several hundred days into freedom I still have to wrestle with the potential of wrong thinking and skating close to the edge.

I say "skating" because it's not P that is the temptation but racy pics, news items, other provocative material.

I can never view P again.

The current menace is to compromise.

And our culture unfortunately reinforces this idea continually in virtually every possible form of media ad nauseum ad infinitum.

This far into recovery, I can honestly say I have not looked at P or S acts. And these things do not cause my mind to race simply because they have been absent for so long that the old pull is gone (thank you God).

And in the name of my visual sensitivity coming back to something like normal, something that most would consider innocuous I may find gives me pause.

We have made the mistake of seeing movies that caused a certain amount of incidental contact with very risque material. VERY. But I handled it fine. No relapse etc.

And in the day-to-day of life, certain things happen, are witnessed, or watched, or glimpsed, etc. It's life. It happens. And I just move on and don't let it bother me.

It's really a question of a New Equilibrium and what is OK and what is not OK to see.

It's a struggle to not beat myself up about "mental performance" or nag myself with questions about a story or a picture and wondering if it's appropriate... Compared to my life 2 years ago this is very tame.

I think we need to be wary of trying too hard, or going too far in the opposite direction. You've stayed clear of P for over 18 months now, you've done extremely well. In life, however, there are going to be things and situations that you simply cannot control or avoid. Beating yourself up over these things won't help, and may actually harm your recovery in the long term.

For example, you can't control whether or not a person of the opposite gender is wearing a provocative outfit on a given day, you can't control what will be shown on the television news that evening, or what will be printed in the newspaper. I really don't see any value in beating yourself up over situations you can't control. If you're inadvertently exposed to something a little "racy", well, you just have to see it for what it is, and move on in a calm, detached manner. If you try to stop yourself from living life because you're afraid of relapse, you've probably negated most of the benefits of quitting to start with.

I believe that to fully beat this addiction, we need to reach a point where we can experience things like this in our everyday life, and not be drawn into relapse. It's a little bit like the smoker who quits, and has to stay clean even when he's out with friends who decide to light up.

If I decide to go to the beach this weekend (which may be likely, given Sunday's weather forecast), I'll probably be exposed to young women not wearing a lot. Of course, I could simply lock myself in my apartment and not go out, but that would probably defeat a large part of the purpose of quitting to start with, and may even lead to relapse on it's own. I'm much better off to simply go out and have some fun, regardless of what might be out there, and get myself away from the P. This works in other aspects of life, too.

[Daniel]

Lately I've been seeing a lot of parallels between drag racing and the quest to be free from the PA's perspective.

You could substitute nearly any competitive sport but for some reason drag racing sticks in my mind so I'll explore it as an analogy to a PA who wants to be free and WIN.

A quick primer: drag racer's goal: to have the lowest elapsed time (ET) between when the light turns green and the nose of the car crosses the finish line, 1,320 feet (402.3 m) away, traveling in a straight line.

If you took your "bone stock" car out to the track, if you're lucky (or an enthusiast) you might get over 100 miles per hour and maybe cross the line in 15 seconds.

The current record in the U.S. is 3.771 seconds ET; the speed record going across the finish line is 321.58 miles per hour (516.5 km/hr).

Forget for the moment that the race is usually against an opponent and the one with the quickest ET wins.

For folks who don't have fancy cars, or who don't have the time or skills or the preparation or the tools or the garage and trailer and friends and family etc., etc., local tracks will have races for beginners with an advertisement saying:

RUN WHAT YA BRUNG!

This means that Johnny can take Mom's minivan out to the track (with permission of course!) and let 'er rip against Ricky who is racing his dad's SmartCar.

They're just playing around and it's all good fun.

Now for the ones who are Really Serious there is a huge big rig or two or three, a whole crew of people to prepare the car, each with his or her own particular task, the driver, the owner, the sponsors, all the spare parts you can shake a stick at, every kind of analysis done on the last run to determine every conceivable attribute of the engine's performance.

And as a lesson for the PA: there is an incredible focus around GETTING BETTER.

There's a universal rule: "if it breaks, make it stronger. If it doesn't break, make it lighter."

So the Big Question of the Day is how are you going to Change Up your situation to try to guarantee the greatest possible chance of finding long-term success?

And believe me, I ask myself this same question, 630 days in.

THIS IS THE BATTLE FOR YOUR LIFE.

Hasn't the time yet past been sufficiently wasted that we don't need to waste any more?

Since the cumulative affect of so many small decisions can add up to a legacy of joy and happiness and fulfillment and purpose or it can add up to unspeakable sadness and an emptiness that will never be filled, let us strive for the right decision, moment by moment.

God willing, we by degrees become free.

Take the first step to success.

I will if you will!

Daniel

[Rowlf]

Hey Daniel,

I like the metaphor! it does fit well. I think for me the statement is 'This is the battle for your soul' - for your heart and mind - if I live the P life I exist as hollow husk of a man.....

If it breaks make it stronger, if it doesn't make it lighter - what a superb way of looking at things! Continual improvement in the battle against P.

I've been moving house and now am needing to clear out lots of old junk, old stuff from my past - this is a reminder perhaps of how to shift out what is worth keeping!

Have a great day

[FoolishMind]

What an absolutely fantastic post! Lets be honest Daniel, what we are saying is, we should have marshalls at the front of the TTF gates, and every member (driver) that rolls up to the gates we ask (in a Daniel style Texan accent), "Howdy, you runnin' what your brungin' or you a gonna be a pro?"

Are you here to play? or are you here to win?

This is unequivocally the best and purest metaphor I have read/heard to date with relation to PA.

Well this is going straight to the hall of fame sir!
I will make a post in my journal too, to compliment yours... but FM style of course!

Thanks Daniel, awesome post

FM

[Crisodian]

Daniel,
After discovering TTF, I spent a lot of time reading the journals of married PAs who have not only successfully found a path to recovery, but who also successfully rebuilt their marriage and relationship with their SO through this journey. There are a few which will always stand out as the stories I consider a road map to success, yours is definitely one of those.

You and your journal are definitely one of the top three choices for the New Year's Challenge.

You are an inspiration to all couples struggling to find a path to recovery and to all PAs with your dedication and thoughful consideration of all.

Peace,
~C~

[FoolishMind]

I am joining what will inneviatably be a queue here Daniel.

As part of the New Years Challenge, it cannot be denied that you have inspired hundreds on this site.

Why have you personally inspired and helped me?

Quite simply put, it is your drive that motivates me. Your constant positivity that is truly contagious. I consider myself a very positive person. But at times I struggle, I only need to a read one or two posts you have made, to really let me see things from different perspectives. Your energy on this site is that of legends, and I can only aspire to have the same energy as you, and the same focus and calm disposition as you.

Your a great man, and you deserve every happiness you wish for.

Thank you for helping me in so many ways that you may never truly understand.

God bless

and wishing you and Mrs Daniel a truly wonderful new year.

FM