Onward: Daniel's Journal

[terry7]

Daniel

after a reading your advice on my problem i decided to look up on your journal.


I gotta say your story is very uplifting over 100 or so days of no p that is brilliant. I want to congratulate you on your success and i hope and pray that i gain the strength you have.

Well done

God Bless

[Daniel]

When I was active in my PA, my blood would turn to ice when my wife would say,

"Can I ask you a question?"

I would get the chills, my spine would tingle, I could almost feel the wave of guilt passing through my soul. The pressure was unbelievable. [P's message to Dan's brain: Keep your cool, she has to believe you when you answer]

"Have you been looking at P_rn?"

"No, of course not." I lied.

It took every ounce of deception I could muster to hold a straight face and look her in the eye.

But the fact is I had been looking at P.

The other fact is I'm a dirty rotten no good liar. And I'm really good at it.

Let's say I was really good at it.

But I was never very good at making a dirty conscience go away.

And this built itself into a huge mountain of guilt and pain. Surely the only solution to this guilt and pain, since I COULDN'T TELL HER, was to run back and medicate with more P.

I knew God had forgiven me for these sins of using P. Perhaps a theologian would argue "not" since my repentance of using P was an on-again-off-again cycle too many times to count or remember.

But could SHE forgive me? Probably not. I could lose her. Lose my marriage. Lose my children. Lose my happy home.

This loss would be crushing. There isn't a word or string of words in the English language to adequately describe my feelings when I contemplated this impending disaster.

Got to keep that Front running Danny Boy. Got to keep it going. Keep on with those lies. She doesn't ask very often so you can do it. 2001 was a long time ago. She's moved on. All that stuff she said, remember how painful it was, well it's gone now. She said it's between you and God. C'mon, let's go have a P-holiday on your next business trip, really get you fixed up. Who knows?, maybe you'll get enough this time that you really will quit.

Dear God, I confess these sins. I did wrong. I am sorry.

And then The Explosion.

All is lost.

I may as well die and be with God because I have screwed this life up so bad there's no recovering from it. I hope He will take care of what's left of my family.

But God was working in her life too.

He was teaching her how to forgive, how to move on, how to see herself for how she really is. That is, imperfect too. How to try to understand my PA. How to see the various inputs. Realizing that we ultimately are a composite of many things and the blame for becoming a PA - there's plenty to go around, at least in my case.

It was my fault though. I can't shift it around. It was me. Period.

Two nights ago an UNBELIEVABLE THING HAPPENED.

She says to me, "Honey, can I tell you something."

Unflinching and with a Clean Conscience [Thank God], I say, "of course."

She said, "I was thinking about everything that has happened. About all the stuff we have gone through. If I was at the beginning of my life and had it all to do over again.
I WOULD DO IT ALL EXACTLY THE SAME. YOU WERE MADE FOR ME."

This is proof that Mrs. Daniel's heart is a Heart of Gold.

I was speechless. Only tears and hugs could communicate what I felt at that moment.

I am a little emotional recalling this experience but it is an experience that I will NEVER forget and insist I hold onto when times aren't this grand.

She has validated me in a human way that I never thought possible. It's as if the Real Me is back.

If you've read this far, I really appreciate your patience and hanging in there.

I want this to be an encouragement to everyone at TTF and all PAs and SOs everywhere that you can and will beat PA. That you can and will get your life back. That your SO can and will forgive and love and live and move on. That your life can be everything you thought it would be but so much more that you never imagined possible.

Prayerfully and Respectfully Yours,

Daniel

[sybil]

Daniel,
All I have to say is Wow! Your positive, wonderfully expressed thoughts and emotions made me smile yet again. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Keep sharing the sunlight. Sybil

[dave]

Thanks for the inspiration
I'm a poor typer or I would make longer entries.
But your description of recovery is quite similar to mine.
I had a sense b4 I quit almost 5 months ago that god was getting me ready for something - I am glad that my SO confronted me. It has made all the difference in my journey and is starting to make a difference in my wife's journey.
If you read some of my journal you will see the emotinal roller coaster I have been on.
That your wife is on board and supportive is such a blessing.
I keep you both in my prayers.
Dave

[EndOfTheLine]

Hi Daniel - thanks for the messages of support you've left on my journal page - it's a big help having people read and leave messages as it does give the old ego a little boost (which isn't a bad thing in small doses lol).

It looks as though you're well and truly on your way to squashing the P bug in your life and I hope that I can do the same in my life (8 days and counting...).

All the best - EOTL.

[Daniel]

It's such a good feeling to not have think about staying clean all the time like I used to do.

I can remember vividly the hard concentration necessary when I was first starting out. Add to the pressure of concentrating continually the fear from the consequences of failure. God only knows how I did it.

I was not sure I could but I knew I HAD TO.

But it's really not much of a mystery. You try. Really hard.

You don't give up no matter what.

You believe you will get through it.

You stick to the Plan.

"Though a righteous man falls seven times, yet he will rise again."

Don't get down on yourself when you fall.
Get up and keep moving.

I try to remember the scene from Saving Private Ryan (and better yet the book by Stephen Ambrose "D-Day"),
to stay on the beach where they were pinned down by enemy fire was to die. To get up and get moving was to survive. We can be our own worst enemy if, after we're hit and down, we indulge in self-pity and self-loathing and just wallow in our filth as it were. I did this.

Starting out I didn't have an exact plan written down because I had it memorized in my head. It wasn't complicated. Stay away from things that can make you fall no matter what. Run toward the thing(s) that will make you stronger and spend lots of time there (literally and figuratively).

The Plan to Stay Clean now serves a dual purpose: 1) getting out of the thorn bush that is P addiction, 2) staying out of it the rest of my life; not allowing it to be a substitute for dealing with all of life's pressures.

I can chalk that last observation up as a distillation of the wisdom I've found here at TTF.

The support here, The Brotherhood, is simply unbelievable. We are enjoying a very positive virtual friendship through a very negative personal struggle. It is the epitome of a good thing being brought out of something bad.

Thus ends a great Labor Day weekend. In support of being off on a Monday I did almost nothing(!), trying to really celebrate the holiday properly etc.

Future & Continued Success to Everyone,

Daniel

[Little lock]

Hey daniel. Im glad that you're doing so well. I was thinking, are you considering letting miss daniel in on this site? I'm sure that can make a very positive difference to our community here. Oh, and your words about the Plan reflects my thougths, almost word for word. After falling down, you get up. You don't wallow in self pity, you don't allow self doubt and fear to get you, you just get up and continue on, even though every fibre of your being might be screaming out against even moving one step. Thanks for that post!

[Daniel]

I am realizing of late that there's one trigger that demands more than its share of my attention: boredom.

The funny thing is it's not pure boredom, I have PLENTY of do.

I refer to the boredom I frequently run into in my job. And I love my job boy howdy.

But during the tedious, slow-moving parts of my work I become easily disengaged and my mind wanders into all of the other things, good and pure things, that I could be doing instead of staring into a computer.

It's during these wheel- brain moments that the old memories, the temptation to see what would become triggers-on-purpose, comes into its own.

Thus far (Thank God) I practice the out-you-go thought control and reject the thought. Again. And again. And again.

So everything is cool.

Except add a thin layer of frustration as to why this aspect of my PA refuses to fade away like so much of the other stuff has.

Time is all that is required I suppose...

Daniel

[bodget1974]

from what i've read of your journel ,you as so many others on here D , are an insperation, your way of expressing your thoughts and feeelings is somehting i wish i could do as well as this

peace my friend

B

p.s

thanx for your thoughts on my journel i really appriciate anybody who takes the time to read it.

[Daniel]

We went through Hurricane Ike here in Texas. There's nothing like needing basic food, water, and wondering if your house is about to get crushed by a tree or get the roof blown off.

This ordeal needless to say kept my mind thoroughly off P or even any stray recurring short-lived thoughts. Though I did have at least one disturbing P-type dream. These are puzzling and will revisit in my journal again later.

We came through the Hurricane OK. I could write a few pages about all we went through but I can summarize it one way: we had a huge tree in our back yard (one of several but the biggest one).
Instead of falling towards the house and splitting it in two down to the floor, it fell away from the house into the forest.

Thank you God!

I'm extremely glad to see the Community back in action again. Last I saw the site it was still in the shop getting fixed.

Best Regards to All,

Daniel