Onward: Daniel's Journal

[Daniel]

I had a nice meeting this morning with my accountability partners over breakfast. This is something we've been doing every other Wed. since meeting up at the Men's Retreat I mentioned in an earlier Journal entry. It has made a big difference in so far as "keeping it real", not hiding, not pretending, and watching my progress closely.

The one thing that has bothered me lately, and I've noted others speaking of essentially the same thing in their posts & journals, is this aspect of provocative images prevalent in nearly every media form, particularly the web, but also rampant on TV.

I have noted their appearances on several sites I like to visit for hobby/interest/news and I have for the most part blown them off, ignored, or in some cases just exited the site pronto to not stain my conscience.

But there have been a handful of times when I did look, on purpose.

And my reaction was one of indifference. The old heart-pounding endorphin rush "I-need-more" reaction was not there. It was like observing in a disinterested fashion something from long ago.

Now in this is a dangerous rationalization: since it doesn't bother me anymore, since there's no reaction, since I "don't like it" anymore, then it's OK to see it/them etc.

But it's not OK. Going down for a big fall will begin with small steps in the wrong direction. And that's what brought me down in all past attempts at keeping clean.

There can be NO COMPROMISE with P. No collective bargaining. No deals with the Devil.

This is an observation of my own and strongly reinforced from one of my accountability partners who is taking lessons from an online course called Setting Captives Free.

I need to ignore the Devil's sales pitch and move on. This I have done.

And now I'm putting another stake in the ground that says: despite my interest in various hobbies, if there is some media outlet known to put racy content in their pages to draw traffic and advertising, etc., then that media, for me, is off-limits PERIOD.

I wonder why I didn't wake up to this reality a lot sooner, instead letting the mind-struggle gnaw away at me sometimes for days on end. Several years ago I discontinued a magazine subscription for this very reason and I haven't missed it at all. Just too dangerous.

But if I rule it out defacto, then there is no more contemplation, the answer is NO no matter what.

Meanwhile I can identify with a lot of the things being said recently... thought life issues, contemplation issues, random urges, maintaining good eye-control.

In these various battles I feel "pretty good" about my performance. But I know I can do better.

I'll get there, one step at a time and with Divine assistance and support from my many friends here.

Onward!,

Daniel

[Vorlan]

Good work Daniel. My policy tends to be if some thing is Pish enough to make me have to think "is this ok?" then it is bad enough to avoid. As you say there sould be no decision to make and in the end you know what is and is not acceptable.

Keep up the great work my friend,

Best wishes,

Ben

[dave]

Been struggling with similar issues of late.
I'm on a slightly different track at present. I too NEVER want to return P, but I am wondering if I can learn to let the incidental BRIEF potential trigger images pass by using the following prayer/thought.
"God thankyou that you made me a sexual being. I pray this stimulation pass. Thankyou that I am free of the acting out compulsions of the past - that I can say no to my urges and that I can get up and leave this situation if need be."
I am referring to the run-of-the mill sexy stuff in generic programs - Friends, CSI etc.
This has been working for me sometimes. Other times I change channels or turn it off.

Lately I am thinking more of what is under the surface emotionally that is pushing me to medicate sexually, than what generic stimulus I may be over responding too.

Perhaps in the early stages of recovery we are hyper careful and necessarily so.

I don't mean that we let our guard down, but we loose some of the fear when confidence and self care are strongly in place ???

Just some thoughts.

Dave

[johndonato]

Absolutely Daniel you hit it again on the head we must always fight this fight...

JD....

[johndonato]

Daniel finally I think I can give back some of the assistance you always have given me and others: Here goes. As you say since you dont get excited by the things that caused you issues before then you dont have to worry and therefore can look or endulge a little. And then the realization that you can never let down your guard.
Heres the truth as I see it and as I feel it. I was hesitant to say it before cause I didnt want to bring anyone down but the reality is that each and everyone of us on this site save the SO. We are Addicts.... S. Addicts in one form or another. We talk alot on this site p. because the site focuses on P... But behind the P is a sexual
issue. Whether its boundary issues or things that happened to us as children we had a seed planted incorrectly in us and it has grown out of proportion into a weed inside us, cut it down as much as you want it will still grow back slowly but surely....
We need to fight this demon inside our minds forever, its a fact we need to accept, the sooner we accept it we can really understand and deal with getting rid of it. This is why I denied it for 35 years, cause
dealing with it man takes work and all the energy you put into viewing now goes into staying clean...
So for those of you who stay off the internet and are clean great this fantastic, for me and I think if you look deep inside for most of us, we will find a way to lust anything to fill this need so we cant just look at a woman without being aware of how and what we are thinking. Sex and women are everywhere our society will dish it up to us so many ways but dont lose hope as Daniel and so many have proven we can win this fight and find love and be happy. truly happy
this is why I am fighting this fight so that I can live my life to its fullest and be happy......

Falling forward as always

JD......

[Little lock]

Admin once said to me, with my dropped hours, will anyone be able to give is much. In this case Daniel, I am in your shadows, and extremely proud of that. As of this day, I look up to you. Your a great man, I say run for senate in Texas, and let that be your first step in changing the world! If Obama can, Daniel Can!

FM

Haha I agree with that. TTF needs a political representative! You have been hugely sucessful in winning this addiction, and extremly magnamious. I am in your debt. Honestly. Thanks for all your encouragement and comments.

LL

[Daniel]

Big family outing to a big well-known high-endish mall near where we live.

Lately I have been amazed how far advertisers are willing to push the envelope in terms of how much their people show in their signage etc., both male and female. In is a parallel I suppose to the flow of provocative material on TV, only of course in the Malls it is frozen in time and usually placed for maximum effect and minimal clothing...

So I'm getting some shoes, Mrs. Daniel and the Darlings along with me. I had been in the store figuring out which ones etc., when I noticed what looked like a leg in the distance, across the walkway from the store I was in. It took about a second to figure out what the leg was connected to and I looked away, going about my business. There was another look in that direction several minutes later, after which I put together a quick ad-hoc plan:

"Don't look up, don't look over there again, don't try to pursue this any further, you know it leads nowhere good."

I didn't have any further trouble and took a pass on what could be called "great opportunities", but a misnomer I'm sure you know what I mean, and did not look again.

Mrs. Daniel had noticed it and apologized to me at there being "so much stuff" as she called it. I thanked her and thought it was kind of her to note the material and note that I was taking evasive action so as to stop any potential polution.

Back in the Chicken-or-Egg forum Dominus raised the point of whether the P-rnographers are intentionally trying to get folks addicted. And futhered the idea into theoretical future litigation for the undue emotional/psychological trauma people experienced due to the marketing of such stuff... a very provocative topic in a good way.

Using this giant banner ad in a high traffic mall as a test case, I would say they are selling, or trying to sell, more than just what the model was wearing.. Sx sells, nothing new under the sun.

One thing is for sure, if I would've noticed the vendor's name, I would never buy anything from them as my statement on their methods...

Onward!,

Daniel

[Little lock]

One thing is for sure, if I would've noticed the vendor's name, I would never buy anything from them as my statement on their methods...



Daniel

You probably would have to go live out the rest of your life as a hermit in a cave if that was the case:D Kidding. But seriously, sx is really everywhere isn't it?

Also, I've been wondering, do the people in your country(You live in the UK right? Sorry, poor memory) wear revealing clothes? As in, not just at places like the beach but also places like malls, cinemas, etc. Because I've just realised that in the town area of my country, its an explosion of flesh. Maybe its because I live in the tropics. Still, it makes eye control outside very tough.

Just wondering. Nice one on the not looking. Like you said on Vorlan's journal, you need to have discipline to do that.

[Daniel]

LL,

I live in the U.S. (see below my avatar!;)) and I haven't noticed excessively immodest dress lately. But then again, I am trying not to notice...!

I have noted it before though so I know what you're talking about.

And you're right LL, to be perfectly clean we would need to leave this world and even then we could probably look at the stars and generate images...

My example from the mall would be one of the extremes that gets high-lighted. Most situations are more mild and/or can be easily avoided..

Go Big!,

Daniel

[johndonato]

Daniel/ Little lock I posted today and to recap.

I do notice as the spring approaches the flowers are not the only

things budding... Its like people are coming alive and shedding a

protective skin from the winter....

Which of course makes me want to wear blinders.....@#@$%%@

JD