Onward: Daniel's Journal

[Daniel]

Rest assured of one thing: if you are serious about getting over this thing (PA), there will be surprises. And how.

Just today, with Mrs. Daniel and the Children in the truck, we round a corner and what's on the shoulder of the road but the entire crew of waitresses from a restaurant known for immodest dress.

No lies here. Honestly, I turned my head and said aloud "Oh Dear" to alert Mrs. Daniel of the danger zone.

This is my normal reaction to a visual Red Alert. Could I look and not lust? Yes. Do I want to look? No. It's too dangerous. Too risky. Under the right (or wrong?) conditions this is one of my triggers.

I was stunned at how circumstances can militate against your best efforts.

Thank God this kind of a decision (how to react) was already made and just needed circumstances to confirm.

If I'm not back before the weekend is out, everyone have a good one, on the Straight and Narrow..

Daniel

[Daniel]

Last night was a challenge.

Made myself explain to Mrs. Daniel about a couple of P-related episodes that had happened prior to my coming clean with her, things that she didn't know about.

Add to this that I triggered this week. I figured I should tell her about that too.

The trigger involved a TV broadcast running over the bar at a lunch place. I found myself glancing at the TV more than I should (I sat with four others and was facing the TV of course).
Back at work I'm looking the show up on the internet when I knew I shouldn't. Now the material turns out to be very tame etc., but I knew I failed when I let the trigger take me that far. Shame.

So we had a good long talk about my issues. Some of it we had been over before but some of it revolved around some specifc questions she had about my past P-usage and cravings etc. Uncomfortable territory. But I held nothing back.

But amazingly, it pulled us closer. She says she knows me better when I share this inner core. I feel it's like walking a tightrope. Necessary to do though. And some of the shame from the memory can be overwhelming.

Nevertheless, all of this is worth it.

This evening I'm walking across a parking lot, the trees are beautiful, I can hear my children laughing about something, and I'm staring ahead into the darkness, and I think:

"Danny Boy, your conscience is clean."

How much is that worth?

[Daniel]

Maybe I'm coming off the high of having a lot of Wife and Children time over the weekend.

Maybe I'm just excited to be back on the job.

Maybe it was the new friends we met at the pool yesterday, and plan to go out with soon.

OR MAYBE it was being P-free, conscience clean, and the world seems to be such a better place!

"Awesome Blossom"! as my wife says..

Here's one for the Whole Gang of us at TTF! On to the Victory!

Daniel

[bodget1974]

OR MAYBE it was being P-free, conscience clean, and the world seems to be such a better place!


Daniel

I totaly agree my friend, my world is just so much easier without the guilt, however i'm still getting accused sometimes, but i guess that comes with what i did... things are gettint better and better all the time..

stay strong daniel.. like everyone here your an insperation, your strength is admerable

peace

B

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

Nevertheless, all of this is worth it.

This evening I'm walking across a parking lot, the trees are beautiful, I can hear my children laughing about something, and I'm staring ahead into the darkness, and I think:

"Danny Boy, your conscience is clean."

How much is that worth?

Thank you. I'm so impressed by your courage and honesty. Sometimes I'm there, and sometimes I'm not. It's a beautiful thing to have it recorded here in your journal, this wonderful display of strength, resolve, and peace of conscious.

Kudos.

AE

[Daniel]

Boy did I have a test last night.

One of my Big Promises, to myself and Mrs. Daniel, was that I would no longer use the laptop early in the morning before work. This is when I was 'caught' March 25, 2008, my personal Day of Infamy.

As part of my battleplan I have cut way back on PC use, and none at all if no one is home. A part of this was none at all in the early morning.

My wife quizzed me last night if I was using the PC in the morning(!). "No way!" I said with a perfectly clean conscience.

I must say I was hurt somewhat that she didn't believe these two words. This is the life of a PA in recovery though. Sometimes your words, however true, aren't worth the air that formed them because you are not completely trustworthy, you've lied and hid and schemed before. You (I) were/was an expert at it. So of course she won't believe me. That's a choice I made. I am at peace with this. I believe the trust will come back by degrees. Indeed, I see it happening every day...

Well, she shows me a post on TTF that was recorded at 5:04AM on the 25th of August! How can this be?

[I sent a note to Admin asking what time zone is used on the site's posts] I am in US Central.

I showed her an unaltered history on the laptop I use that showed no activity at all from Aug. 17 to Aug. 26.

I guess it was a draw.

Cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die I did not fool with, delete, or otherwise attempt to hide my tracks in the history.

Another promise to myself: Thou Shalt Not Delete or Touch Your Internet Browsing History. Just to show I'm being transparent and honest. This HAS TO HAPPEN to rebuild the trust between Mrs. Daniel and I.

I told her this morning I had inquired of Admin here to find out the time zone that is used. I had proof what I said was true. She seems to be OK for the time being.

And it wasn't about P, but it was very much about Honesty.

Following Farmer's excellent example:
"I promise to be Honest with Myself, with Mrs. Daniel, and with TTF, and with certain accountability partners I have. If anyone else outside of that sphere asks me a direct question they will get a direct answer."

That's my promise.

[dave]

I share this success too.
Thanks for stating it so clearly
Take care Dave

PS hope the trust / internet CPU problem gets cleared up

[Daniel]

Today is another good day.

Nothing to report in the way of failures or so even thoughts that are off. Does this mean all of the re-programming is working? I hope it is.

But I have reflected on rebuilding trust with Mrs. Daniel.

The other day she was alarmed to see a post on TTF with an early-morn time stamp. A time when I wasn't supposed to be on the computer. And I've explained it must have been a time zone different than ours because I didn't post it in the early morn, I did it from work.

But the issue really boils down to her being able to trust me again. I believe she does trust me but it has been a long slow climb back to that delicate perch. And I should not be alarmed, mad, or even frustrated at the moments when she may doubt.

I pray. Early on in our healing process, I used to pray every day for God's protection around my wife's mind, her thinking, and her heart. This helped tremendously. Sometimes the world felt like it was closing in on her, nothing is good, everything is bad, everyone is a liar, no one can be trusted. " I just want to be done with this WHOLE THING!"

And all I can do is stand there and take it like a man.

Well, on second thought, I can pray. It's literally all I can do.

Talking isn't going anywhere because my credibility is below the cellar. Looking sad won't work because if my sadness is a drop in the cup her's is the ocean. Being stoic and expressionless only makes me seem like a hardened PA with no emotion (which is what I tried to be for many years [see earlier Journal entries]).

So I pray and leave it to God.

That is more of a retrospective, as she has come out of the dark tunnel.

We only now and then suffer the ocassional relapse within the relationship, where I am the guy who completely screwed everything up and she is the one who walked into a trap.

On the rebuilding trust thing: If I said I'd be home at work at 5:30. Then by God I'm home from work at 5:30. If I said I was going to do something, I did it. If I said I wasn't going to do something, I didn't do it. If I was asked about something and I had a fuzzy memory, I just said so, to avoid claiming more accuracy to the event only to find out later I had it wrong. Even innocent lies will count against me in these situations.

So all is well at the moment. This stretch of Recovery Road is fairly smooth and the sights are worth stopping for....

Daniel

[sybil]

Daniel, I was so thankful to hear those innermost thoughts of trying to understand PA. It helps me to hear it from someone. My husband is on this site. He doesn't post much and doesn't say much about it. He tells me he's read my posts- not very often though. I don't know if he has let TTF help him though. Anyway, like I said, it's nice to hear someone really explain things the way you did. I think he's probably a lot like you in the sense of "numbing" himself. Reading other PA's stories will hopefully help me to understand my husband more. Keep sharing. Thanks again from an SO. sybil

[FoolishMind]

Daniel, Finally found the time to read through your journal.

I was so impressed by your timeline, and your confidence to openly share that. I also love the moment where you say "oh Dear" for a red alert moment. I think I will definatley adopt that! As right now, I kind of look away in a huff, or feel embarrassed. Whereas by saying oh dear and looking my wife, we could probably have a laugh about it aswell.

You have brought a fantastic energy to these forums, and your clear focus to this mission, is admirable. I can certainly learn a lot from you.

Thank You.

FM