Onward: Daniel's Journal

[Daniel]

As in "being more sensitive".

I have noticed, going through my 9th month free from P, that I am more sensitive to verbal affronts than I have ever been.

It seems I notice slights, oblique criticisms, or all manner of low-level criticisms much more than when I was using.

This has to be due to how I perfected the art of stuffing emotions down and building a barrier around my core so thick that nothing could penetrate it. The barrier is gone. My core is on my sleeve so to speak.

In other words, I am VULNERABLE. Yikes.

This isn't new. I've noted it before.

What is new is the "dealing with" part of those slights. Now I can't just let it go. I have to bring it up, seek some apology, grant forgiveness, and work on moving on. The ride can be bumpy.

I always considered myself the forgiveness master, able to let anything slide. WELL YEAH! When you're a PA and you're in your addiction, you almost have to let it all slide because if you don't then you need to let the dark secret out. Which is anathema of course, if you're time is not yet come.

Everything has worked out well. It's almost like I am redefining boundaries or making boundaries for the first time in some cases. For example, I don't need to hear I was wrong 6 different ways... Or how I messed something up... Once will do. Am I getting too sensitive? I don't know.

Of course I'm a MAN, and men do need to be able to let some things go so as not to be reviewing all of life as it happens ad nauseum ad infinitum!....

Ah, the Journey Continues!...

Peace and Success and Happy New Year to All!,

Daniel

[dave]

My counselor has been helping me with this issues recently.
She suggests that this is a common 'script' we can get into when we get a shot 'across the bow'

1. Trigger comment
2. I feel . . . . .hurt, sad, angry
3. You must . . . . ( an emotional demand I make)
4. I am . . . worthless . . shameful .... not deserving . . . screwed up

She suggests that we can learn to 'unhook' from this painful pattern by saying

5. I'd prefer that . . ..
(and if not)
6. I am still OK . . . ( message of self worth)

This doesn't come across very well typed out but it has been helping me.
The other day my SO was bothered that I felt I needed to catch an SAA meeting when we had another committment. I let her know I cared but that I felt I needed to go . .. .

I think that the shame I carry about my P past becomes blurred with 'any' criticism and I am learning to seperate it. . .

It seems to be helping me . ..

Happy New Year
Take care
Dave

[Broken Rick]

I kinda get what your saying there. I too feel a bit more senstive. When my girlfriend brings up reminders that i screwed up the relationship, it stings really bad. I do know i messed up. And I take all the blame. But being reminded everyday just wears me down and makes me feel like im an inch tall.

Lately, however. She stopped. And Im thankful for that. Anyway, thank you Dave for the bit of information about the script. Im going to have to give that a try and see what happens.

[Daniel]

Yes, that's pretty much it Dave, with the exception of the personal shame, though it does creep in now and then for a cameo appearance..

I am more clearly seeing that my SO has certain quirks and idiosynchrasies that can get in my way. They are no where near the same league of my PA issues of course, but I have had to develop certain confrontationalism to not let them roll me over and make me feel bad perpetually etc. It used to be I'd let it pass but can't do that anymore.

Thank you for the technique, it's right on for dealing with the issues in a practical way.

BRick - yes, I took a lot of stomach punches so to speak in the immediate post-discovery phase of my P addiction. It's crazy to say, but this is normal. Your GF's letting it fly is not really about you personally but about the pain (you caused). This acting-out phase for her is normal. Yes it is very unpleasant to put it mildly. It is easier to take when you know it's not You per-se but her dealing with the pain and heart-break. In my case it subsided over time and was usually followed by (days-weeks-months) very sincere apologies. Hang in there!

Thank You for your responses Dave and BrokenRick,

Daniel

[Daniel]

March 26, 2008 to January 5, 2009 clean.

No P. No nudity. No visits to any P sites or close-calls.

I cannot, it's that simple.

Thank you LORD.

I have continued to fight wars in the battleground of my mind. This is "just how it is."

I suppose this war will continue at various pitches for the rest of my life. Ideally it subsides to invisibile-ness eventually, at least I hope.

Of late, the inevitability of wrong thinking (P-related thoughts) has greatly subsided to the point where I can go several days and not have to actively discard corrupt thinking. For me this is huge (another Thank you to God Almighty here!).

Pardon me while I recall a verse:

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." [Romans 12:2 NASB]

I have made a point of trying to stay away from sites that may offer even the slightest trigger, mostly successfully. I had a few brushes with such things, and used Walkman's method of "deconstructing the triggers", though not at his level of detail, to realize that what I thought would trigger me actually did not. And there was freedom in that. It's almost like thinking there's an alligator about to chomp you but you look and realize it's only a shadow.

But I take pains to not put myself, virtually or in reality, in a place where I have opportunity to fail. Of course there are plenty of opportunities to blow it.

But as is oft-repeated here: Are we willing to slam our efforts to the ground for a few guilt-filled moments of fleeting pleasure? Not this kid. That has happened too many times in the past..

Oh boy, here comes another one:

"For the time already past is sufficient for you to have carried out the desire of the Gentiles, having pursued a course of sensuality, lusts, drunkeness, carousing, drinking parties, and abominable idolatries..." [I Peter 4:3 NASB]

I used to fit that mold exactly. And time past, the time completely blown apart, wasted, ruined.. That time is sufficient. There DOESN'T NEED TO BE ANY MORE OF MY PRECIOUS TIME WASTED.

If Vorlan and Walkman were here they would agree verbatim as they have both explicitly mourned the time that was thrown down the drain. NO MORE!!

OK. I'm calming down now. I really enjoy our Comraderie here Ladies and Gentleman. May it continue strong into 2009 and beyond!

Peace and Success to Everyone!,

Daniel

[Rowlf]

No P. No nudity. No visits to any P sites or close-calls.

I cannot, it's that simple.

Thank you LORD.

Hey Daniel,

As usual I'm inspired by you! I'm very impressed by your simple and effective formulation. I need a similar one for myself this year. Whenever there is a smidgen of leeway I'll push the boundaries. I'll use your wording right now (as it's really good) until I make up my own :D

Here's to us all increasing that feeling of wholeness that comes from living P free.

[Vorlan]

I used to fit that mold exactly. And time past, the time completely blown apart, wasted, ruined.. That time is sufficient. There DOESN'T NEED TO BE ANY MORE OF MY PRECIOUS TIME WASTED.

If Vorlan and Walkman were here they would agree verbatim as they have both explicitly mourned the time that was thrown down the drain. NO MORE!!

OK. I'm calming down now. I really enjoy our Comraderie here Ladies and Gentleman. May it continue strong into 2009 and beyond!

Peace and Success to Everyone!,

Daniel

I do indeed agree verbatim my friend!

Phenominal work my friend, in your time here you've become a key member of this forum and you've helped TONS of people along the way in addition to your personal successes!

Feel proud my friend for you deserve it! Keep vigilant though and keep strong!

Best of luck to you in 2009,

Ben

[Daniel]

Getting off to a good start in the journey to freedom from P is huge. Why?

In my case, there was a certain amount of brute habit that caused me to fail on a sometimes daily/weekly or monthly basis.

It was just plain lack of planning that held me in the grip of my addiction for what seems like years.

Not taking strong action.
Not trying to break my routine.
Not kicking out habits and patterns that would lead me right back to the exact same "place" where I would fail 100% of the time.

God knows, I even engineered the circumstances to allow me to fail because the truth is I wanted the fix more than I wanted the freedom.


But the Good Start, that is, working very hard and diligent to make it first a MINUTE, then an HOUR, then a DAY. Then a WEEK, clean, allows you to:

• Gain much-needed perspective on just how much of a hold P has on you
• The increased perspective allows you to evaluate your situation and take other action(s) that may be necessary
• Get your brain out of the "Fog of P" and out of the physio-chemical-mental rut that tells you that you need a fix
• Deal with emotions properly, no medicating everything away
• Develop new habits and activities to replace the old tired one, allow you to move/live/grow in areas of your life never before experienced or long-neglected

I say this because I need to be reminded of the daily journey that this ride has become.

And I sincerely desire our newer folks to digest the importance of starting off Clean and avoiding the downward spiral of high-frequency failure once you've decided to quit.

Every single time I said "Never Again!", there was intense pressure to go back. Almost immediately.

And if I hadn't made any siginficant changes in my daily pattern, guess what?

The Time Is Now!

Peace and Success!

Daniel

[Daniel]

Lately, to be able to look into my wife's eyes and not feel any tinge of guilt -THAt is my reward.

I'm coming up on 300 days clean. If I've been cleaner longer in some time past I don't remember it.

So this is it. From here to the rest of my life.

Thank you to everyone for your encouragment and support and advice and frienship.

Onward!

Daniel

[Rowlf]

Hey Daniel,

Just want to compliment you on being amazing! You're consistently posting around the forums at double the rate of almost everyone else and posting just big hearted wisdom!

It's a real help for me at least, and I'm sure all of us ^:)^

Congrats on the 300 days!