TheFoolishFurry's Journal

TheFoolishFurry · 10:43 PM

So I'm finally posting a journal. I've been reading over other people's journals for the past few days and it's been very helpful. When I first joined I poured out all these emotions and feelings that I'd been holding in for such a long time. It felt really good to confess everything and tell someone about it.

When I first stared reading people's journals I was amazed to see how similar people's experiences are to mine. I've always felt so alone in my battle with P but I'm glad to see people I can relate to and empathize with. Reading other people's journals really gives me hope that I can beat this horrible addiction.

So anyways, today is day 1 of being 'sober' for me. It was hard, but I tried to keep myself busy. I went down to the local college to get a locker, only to discover you can't register for them till next week. That bummed me out but it wasn't a total waste. I got to talk to a counseling service since I have a mild form of ADD and I've got an appointment to go see them next week. Other then that, there hasn't been a lot for me to do today, which has made temptation come back. I'm going out for a 3km run later so that'll get me out of the house at least.

TheFoolishFurry · 08-12-2008, 05:19 PM

Day two is here and I must say, it's hard. The urges are there constantly, the images are in my brain and I have a hard time getting them out. Right now it feels like things are impossible but I find posting here and reading people's journals really helps.

My journey with Porn has been a dark one. For whatever reason I find myself comparing it to the journey of Lord Rhoop in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. In that book he traveled to an island where dreams came true, he was overjoyed and thought he would find happiness. It turned out to be a lie. The island made dreams come true alright, but it turned out to be people's darkest nightmares. That's how I feel about porn. People think it will bring them happiness but in reality it will become a living nightmare.

For me I think the really hard thing to quit will be the cyber sex RPing. It feels like people depend on me and are relying on me, but I need to tell myself that they don't really care about me at all. If I disappear, they'll just find someone else to cyber with. Though acting on that is easier said then done. *shakes his head*

I found going for a run really helped me yesterday. This is going to sound really weird, but so did taking a shower. For some reason I find I'm really discouraged from MBing after I'm clean. Maybe it's because I'm obsessively compulsive? Though I'm not discouraged from looking at porn.

TheFoolishFurry · 08-17-2008, 08:49 PM

So it's been a few days since I last posted, and now I really regret that. I had a relapse and I'm not happy. The temptation has been insane and I feel bad for cracking under it. But you've just gotta get back on the horse so that's what I'm going to do.

I suppose I've been under more stress then normal, though that's no excuse. I've got an important job interview tomorrow and the temptation is so strong, since MBing really helps relieve stress for me.

Still this has helped me identify my triggers: being in my room with the door closed is the biggest one (obviously) and I think just being alone is a trigger. Though most of my friends live really far away so it's hard to hang out with them. I found going on a bike ride or a run really helped for a bit though. So maybe I should find a sport or something to be involved in. Hmm....I've always wanted to give Racquetball a try and there's a place in the city that offers lessons. Maybe I should look into that.

Most of the threads I cybered with people in have died so that's a good thing, now I just need to fight the temptation to start a new one.

brokensoul · 08-18-2008, 02:20 AM

keep up the fight
things that come easy are not the greatest rewards

FoolishMind · 08-18-2008, 10:24 PM

Hi FoolishFurry, Just caught up with your journal, so a belated welcome to the site! Im glad your finding it helpful to to acknowledge that many of our situations are quite similar. With that said, Based on you current hardships / temptations due to stress etc, I would strongly encourage you to plan your strategy. (link located at the bottom of the page under the essentials section)

You are trying to battle an addiction that I will assume has taken much time from your life. That has to command a certain respect. So to tackle this, sometimes diving in head first, is not always the best approach.

You need to be very honest with yourself, Analyse when your weakest, what are the times / situation that urges tend to be stronger etc. For each of those you should work out counters, such as "I will do this..or I will do that"

Some counters may need to be more extreme than others, for example my wife advised me that she cant watch many anymore as she remembers all the actresses I used to look up. I used to watch at least 5 to 10 hollywood a week, Now I watch about 1 / 2 a month that my wife is ok with. Thats extreme for me.

Your situation with being in your room with the door shut, I would expect you to remove your door (but it would work) but tell yourself you cant shut your door till such and such a time, and you rnot allowed to have your computer or laptop in you room etc. Internet filter software is also a great tool to have.

Anyway, i will leave it as that, and see what you think.

All the best

FM

TheFoolishFurry · 08-19-2008, 01:43 AM

Thank you FoolishMind

Well today's been a lot better. It's just one of those days where every thing's going good. I got a new job so a lot of the stress I had is gone! I'll also be working likely well over 40 hours a week (probably around 50 hours a week) so that will get me out of the house and doing something useful, it also means I won't be posting here as often for the next two or three weeks. Once college starts I'll be working less.

Looking at my triggers, I think at times, just being on my computer can trigger me so the obvious solution is to not turn it on very often. I still need it every now and then but I need to find other things to do. Something to get me out of the house. I find that I normally close my door if my sister's on the phone (since she's really loud) and that's normally late at night. So I leave my bedroom door open a lot of the time. I think I need to start powering down my comp earlier. I normally leave it on till 11, which isn't good for it. As much as it would help by moving my computer out of my room, it's physically impossible, there's no room for it downstairs...nor is there an outlet for it.

As hard as this is, I'm going to go to my furaffinity.net account and switch it so I can't view mature art. I know right now this will be one of the most difficult things I'll do but it's got to be done.

Oh, on the topic of internet filters: stay away from ICRAPlus, it's what's on my computer and it's horrible. It only filters out one or two websites (though it does a good job of blocking those sites) and has a lot of problems . So whatever you do people, stay away from that program.

TheFoolishFurry · 08-20-2008, 02:20 AM

Today's been a pretty uneventful day. The temptation to turn on the "enable mature artwork" setting on FA was high but I fought it and didn't relapse, so for that I'm very happy. A lot of things in my life are going really good right now and I don't want to ruin it by slipping back into P and MBing.

I'm probably going to turn off my computer soon and watch TV, we don't get any P channels so there's no danger.

So yeah, that's about it, my day's been great and hopefully tomorrow will be even better.

TheFoolishFurry · 08-24-2008, 02:23 AM

These past few days have been hard but good. There's been a very limited opportunity to even think about looking at porn because I'm so busy with my new job. I work in the afternoons until midnight so when I get home I'm too tired to look at porn and just go straight to bed. In the morning I'm busy getting ready to go so I have a very short time to go on the computer before I leave. I think this has been the best thing for me so far, unfortunately it's only full time until September, then I start college. I'm sure the temptation there will be huge so I'm trying to plan a strategy to deal with that, but I'm not sure where to begin. I'll be living at home so that might help things a bit.

Nothing else to report really.

Daniel · 08-24-2008, 05:20 AM

FF,

FM's advice was spot-on. And now you're very busy. Busy is good. It can really add distance between where you are at this moment and where you used to be. Link this 'distance' with your new mindset and you have a recipe for going many days P-free without a huge amount of conscious effort. That can be a good way for a nice headstart..

Go Big,

Daniel

TheFoolishFurry · 08-28-2008, 06:15 PM

Just thought I'd give everyone an update before I head off to work. This week so far has been good in terms of not looking at P but not so good everywhere else.

I've noticed there are times when there's no temptation whatsoever but then temptation comes back full force.

Next week has me concerned since my full time job will change to part time and I'll be starting college, which in turn puts me under a lot of stress. So I'm trying to think of ways to deal with that.