Lucky Man's journal-up to D-Day

Lucky Man · **Lucky Man's journal-up to D-Day -** 08-01-2008, 12:29 AM

Hello everyone, my name is lucky man and I’ve posted once on the new members forum, but have hesitated to start my journal until now. I’m 47 years old and married to Storm and have a 7 year old daughter. I have been p and mb free since June 1st (60 days!). This has been easy to do, probably because of the pain I see in Storms face on a daily basis, that and realizing what a dark nasty lie I was living.
I have been around p my whole life, and mb’d on a regular basis. I don’t know when a habit turns into an addiction, but I have a feeling I have been addicted a lot longer than I would like to believe. I have always thought of myself as normal and healthy, and that I never had any problem, that never crossed my mind. But looking back at the last 8 years, I can say YES I have a problem, and YES it’s a big one.
When Storm and I were dating 11 or so years ago, we got our first pc, and having NO experience with one dove in head over heals with all of the information and was amazed by all of the things you could look up. Then boom…to p land I went, and in about 10 minutes had more pop-ups that I could get out of. So I just shut down the computer and explained to my love that I was stuck in p land and just wanted to see what it was all about. (which was true at that time) I promised her that I wouldn’t go back there and she warned me of the dangers of such sites-i.e. viruses, constant pop-ups and getting in over my head). Then we got married and everything was great. We had our wonderful daughter 3 years later, and this is where I believe my demons took over. I used the fact that we were tired and having a lot less time alone together as an excuse to mb. Still thinking I didn’t have a problem had unknowingly replaced my love with my habit. For the next 7 years I made Storm feel that there was something wrong with her, that the lack of intimacy and affection was her fault. I knew she was aware of my little vhs tapes and justified my actions by saying to myself that she isn’t interested and I’m not doing anything wrong. She told me on a regular basis that in the bedroom she always had to be the initiator and that was true. It became a job for her, and I always looked forward to the one time a month when we would be together. Last year I had a look at a video that I didn’t feel was p, it wasn’t a p site but did include nudity. Storm found this and told me AGAIN how this hurt her, and how she feels cheated on, and told me AGAIN of the dangers, let alone we have a child in the house and this crap shouldn’t be on the computer. I said that I understand, and although I didn’t think of it as p it was wrong and promised AGAIN not to look at anything at all like p again.
In February I sent Storm some flowers on line and not wanting her to see the site on the pc, asked a pc geek if there was any way to get rid of it. He told me how to delete the history. Bad idea. It wasn’t long before I was looking at a cool E-mail a friend had sent me of this hand glider, I went to their home site and saw their link partners, and before you could say DON”T DO IT, was back in p land deleting all my sites when I was done. I did this when ever I could, whenever I was alone, I thought about when I could do it next. I was also finally seeing a change in myself, more irritable more moody, more distant, and feeling pretty scummy about what I was doing and had told myself this has to end.
On June 1st, my love of my life found all my p cookies that I didn’t know existed. She had such trust in me that she thought it was on the adobe that she had installed and was furious that something so vile would be on there. She called me into the room to show me, and my first response was it’s not mine, but that was a lie. And after telling that it was mine—her world blew up. This is up to D-day and I am sick of my own voice in my head, to anyone who has read this sorry it’s so long but I needed to regurgitate….until next time……. LM

AirKeep · 08-01-2008, 01:24 AM

Lucky Man, I've read of some of Storms posts, and this is the first of yours I've read. I believe in your post you want this to change, and I hope you can find the reasons for yourself to do so. Hopefully you can change that voice in your head to something positive that brings you out of that distant moody place. I know what you see in Storms face helps you to stay away from this, and congratulations on 60days! If that is what keeps you away from it, then that is great. If there is something else that keeps pulling you back in, then hopefully you can find those reasons as well and make the 60days a permanant thing.
See ya in the forums.

FoolishMind · 08-01-2008, 03:05 AM

Jusy read your PM, which made me smile. Not because it was overly funny, but because I can see after youve typed this post, it must have felt like youve let it aaaaalll out. while it can be sickening to oneself to hear your past, and what youve done so honestly, it can be a great sense of relief to know there are no more secrets. From here on, you have nothing to hide.

LuckyMan, I log on to this site daily, and I read posts from new members daily. Just about every story I hear, while it has its differences, they all boil down to some core similarities. With that, reading your posts, and Storms, I think really do beleive you are both going to turn a corner now. Youve got a fantastic attitude, and you really need to channel that energy into pure positivity.

I think this journal is gonna be a very good read! I look forward to following you journey, and hearing how your life is going to improve.

Get excited, because youve just opened a door to being the best man, husband and father you posibly can be.

FM

Lucky Man · **D-day and beyond -** 08-01-2008, 06:17 PM

D-Day, June 1st. I’m dead. With breaking her heart and seeing the complete disgust for me in her eyes, and the hurtful, horrible, truthful, things she was saying to me, I truly just wanted to die. There is no going back, no reversing time, the damage was done and from that point on both of our lives changed. Mine changed because after living together for our daughters sake but separately in every other way had to come to grips with what I was. A man who would risk everything he has, his love of his life, his family, his reputation, everything dear to him for what? p ? it just didn’t make sense. I was also a huge liar, who could never be trusted again, all and all, just a pretty big ball of scum. This was rock bottom. I could just roll up in a ball and give up, or maybe twist everything around and make Storm at fault for all I have done. Or I could come to the conclusion that I have a big problem and need to fix it NOW.
Storms life changed because of the obvious. She hadn’t married the man she thought she had, and that alone destroyed her. She felt as if the whole relationship was a lie and that she had been conned. Not a great place to be.
The next few days after D-Day, I spent in the guest room, calling in sick to work and throwing out all of my p (old mags. And a shoe box of old vhs p) And decided from that day on I would not mb or view any p of any kind. I would cut off the head of the snake and would focus 100% of all that energy to Storm. I could tell a difference in myself almost immediately, and felt like a huge dark cloud had finally lifted, I wasn’t as moody, I had more clarity, my mind was on my priorities, I looked healthier, I was healing. Storm was not. She had the dubious task of trying to piece back her life and to find a place to put all of the horrible images I had exposed her to. She also had the gift of seeing me become my old self again, with not knowing where and when I would fall off the wagon, was sickened with the thought of actually believing me again. Our relationship hanging by a thread…time marches on.

Storm · 08-02-2008, 12:40 AM

Hey you -

I'm really proud of you for taking this step. I know it's difficult for you to open up (to the whole world - no less).

I have faith in you. I'll wait for you. I know the man I married and I have seen him coming back to me in the last 60 days.

LYM-
Storm

Lucky Man · **Thanks Storm -** 08-02-2008, 02:50 AM

You're awesome, thanks for your support, I will not let you down-----ILYM---LM

FoolishMind · 08-02-2008, 09:55 AM

"Love is in the aaiiirrr, Everywhere I look around...."

Cant tell you how big my smile is right now. ITS HUUUGE

You both doing brilliantly. Your are sorting each your own issues out for yourself. You are both educating yourselves about each others individual journeys and what each has to deal with. And yet supporting each other so well. Whatever milestone you choose, I would seriously encourage you to go and treat yourselves. Even if it a just a nice cosy meal together. But do something, Mark the occasion that you relationship WILL be better than it has even been before.

Standing ovation from me

Have a great weekend

FM

FairyG · 08-03-2008, 08:17 AM

MAN it's nice to read to read about glowing successes and increasing happinesses

I completely agree with what FM said, especially about marking occasions - makes the improvement of your relationship all that much sweeter. Well done - to both of you - for supporting each other so well through this. Keep up the good work!

Lucky Man · **Thanks! -** 08-03-2008, 09:09 PM

Thanks FG for your kind words. Storm and I have decided to take a little one night getaway to celebrate our relationship growing stronger, and although there is still doubt and pain for her to deal with. I believe that we are going to continue to get stronger and healthier. I am commited to being the best husband, friend, and father that I can be. Thanks again--LM

Lucky Man · **rollercoaster to the present -** 08-03-2008, 11:08 PM

Time marches on…good days and bad days, the emotions are raw and can change at a drop of a hat. I know now that I need to keep my whole focus on my family, I need my priorities completely on Storm and what I can do for her. I have been soooo selfish for sooo long that it is time to become a giver. My past lies and p and mb problems aren’t going to go away, and I spent a couple of weeks pretending that they would. That wasn’t smart. I had to realize that the life I had was over, and that it is up to me what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. I know it will be eons before Storm will ever fully trust me and I have plenty of work ahead proving my intentions. But hope is in the air, and we are growing closer and closer together. The good days are the best, and the bad, well, BAD.
I never want to be in the position of having to struggle to do the right thing again. And as painful as it is to me, need to remember that Storm is still going through the Hell I created. I need to be aware of that always, if our relationship is to grow stronger. I would like to say that my problem with p is over, because I truly never want to see another spec of that crap again, but knowing how it can dig its claws in you, am not about to put my guard down. The mb is another matter, I haven’t struggled with it, but have talked to Storm about how I feel I possibly could in the future. She was great about it, telling me to call her if I had the “urge”, and made me feel like I had her support, which only makes me feel stronger. This site has been a big help for me, and never wanting to be vulnerable again will use it to help me stay focused and strong. I didn’t want to post here, but was reading posts daily, now….you can’t shut me up, I feel bad when spewing all of this out, but better once it’s done. I am embarrassed and ashamed of what I have done, but feel it is necessary to get it out in the open. I want to thank anyone who has taken the time to read these posts, and welcome any opinions, questions, or advice you might have…….Thanks again-LM