Lucky Man's journal-up to D-Day

[Lucky Man]

I have spent hours on this site today, and felt good about where I was and the direction of my relationship with Storm. But I have to say that I just had the most horrible guilt and sorrow experience that it’s hard to even talk about it. Storm knew something was wrong, but I really didn’t want to tell her I felt crappy, because I SHOULD feel crappy, and up till now thought I knew the pain Storm was going through. Wrong. I don’t know if this is part of the road to recovery, or what the hell it is, but I feel more pain for what I did now, right now than when I was “caught”. Is that how I could do it in the first place, by disconnecting with my feelings, by rationalizing my behavior?? I am so overwhelmed by guilt right now. The worst part is, no matter how terrible I might feel for my actions, I know it’s much worse for Storm. When I finally told her what was wrong with me she told me to post my feelings, and maybe it would help me (which it did) and maybe someone else. Thanks to all, sorry for spewing….LM

[dave]

It hits me at the oddest times.
Sometimes I drive down a street and recall where I purchased P and I feel so shitty about myself.
Once I remembered a holiday where I got mad at her over sex ( a P driven expectation ) and I feel bad about myself.
Then I try to remember what I have done today and allow myself little grace. I was in denial then, I was in the numbness of P and I didn't know what I know now. I try to limit the down emotions and use them to energize my good intentions.
I say a little prayer of regret and a big prayer of thanks for what I have.
Hang in there buddy.
I an hour I will officially be into my 4th month P and M free p - only sex with my partner and my integrity is strong - our love is strong and I am grateful.
Take care.
Dave

[Lucky Man]

Thanks Dave for your post, I really appreciate it. I am trying to limit the down emotions, but it’s like you said, it hits you at the oddest moments. I am glad in a way to have these feelings, they are deep and I think I am seeing what I did with the blinders off for the first time…...and it hurts. But your words help, and I will continue to be strong, and look forward to having these lows diminish somewhat. On a positive note, congrats. on your 4 months! Way to go, it sounds like things are going well for you, I’m glad. Keep up the good work.
Thanks again for your words of encouragement-----LM

[FoolishMind]

Originally Posted by Lucky Man

I have spent hours on this site today, and felt good about where I was and the direction of my relationship with Storm.

Perfect, you are on the right direction. But acknowledge that every path, and every road, will have twists and turns and obstacles in your way. You just need to learn to negotiate them, and maintain a smooth drive in the same constant direction.

Originally Posted by Lucky Man

But I have to say that I just had the most horrible guilt and sorrow experience that it’s hard to even talk about it. Storm knew something was wrong, but I really didn’t want to tell her I felt crappy, because I SHOULD feel crappy, and up till now thought I knew the pain Storm was going through. Wrong. I don’t know if this is part of the road to recovery, or what the hell it is, but I feel more pain for what I did now, right now than when I was “caught”. Is that how I could do it in the first place, by disconnecting with my feelings, by rationalizing my behavior??

You feel more guilty now, because previously, and more subconsciously your were desensitized to the real world. You sort of turned a blind eye to what was really happening. Selfishly we just thought about our pastimes and our highs, and did not pay any attention to the effects it had on others and impacts on our moods etc.

Originally Posted by Lucky Man

I am so overwhelmed by guilt right now. The worst part is, no matter how terrible I might feel for my actions, I know it’s much worse for Storm. When I finally told her what was wrong with me she told me to post my feelings, and maybe it would help me (which it did) and maybe someone else.

Glad you acknowledge that, Whatever it is, We are only feeling a small fraction as to what we put our loved ones through.

Still to this day I will read something my wife posts, and it can kill me! I would think Gosh i totally forgot about that, OMG did i really do that, Did i really make her feel that crap. I myself for the past. But thats just it. I have to grit my teeth, and draw my confidence on what I am now. By remembering the past, I learn and educate myself. I made a huge mistake, By learning about that mistake, Im equipping myself with very thick armour to defend myself against any future temptations.

So in short LM, there is no blue pill or red pill to take here to make the pain go away, if there was, Storm would have taken it long before you looked for it. Guilt will always be there, but if you draw a thick line, and acknowledge what is past and what is current, you will gain strength from it. Right now the scales are weighted against your past actions. You need to focus on putting the weight onto making new happy memories now.

Youve got a wonderful attitude, channel that enthusiasm, channel that pain and focus it into the now!

FM

[Lucky Man]

I appreciate your post FM, and after pm'ing you yesterday, read alot of your early journal posts again, it really helped. You are an inspiration to me and I'm sure others, thanks for all of your support.......keep up the good work, and good luck giving up those doogies!!

[AirKeep]

LM, I'm glad you started posting. It's nice to see your attitude, thoughts, and what you're trying to do. And as others say and you already know, just like getting over P, a few quick posts and a few good days are only a start.

When I first read Storms posts, I thought man, she's pissed! And righttfully so I think we'd all agree. I know the down as well, and am somewhat back in a down period regarding it. It is great to see the positivity in your posts as well, including encouraging others. You've gone from facing this, to reaching out to others, and that probably isn't easy. To you and Storm, I hope you continue to grow closer again and make it through this, regardless of how it started, who started it, and what it did to both of you.

[Lucky Man]

I van't believe I let p do this to me. Storm and I had a really bad night last night, she is in such a deep hell, and I put her there. She can only focus on the bad things, and although I try to keep her focused on the present and the future, she is stuck in a place where she doesn't know what is real anymore. I can't blame her, I haven't just rocked her boat, I shot it down with a missile. I feel so bad, and would do anything to help her get over this, but it sounds like I might have lost the most important thing in the world to me......STAY AWAY form p, it will ruin your life, it will ruin everything....

[FoolishMind]

Was just reading your post as a guest, and literally heard you crying out here.

Read my post that I made a few days into my journal:
The truth is painful - but required

Its so tough LM, but this is the process. You have to be strong. Just as it is us as PA's who have done this to our partners, it is us that can rebuild their strength in us. I D myself for so long, but i gritted my teeth so much, I wanted her to tell me and let it all out.

She must not bottle it all up inside. Prepare yourself and ask Storm, what she is thinking, what she is remembering, It will hurt, im warning you, it really will, but it will make her feel better letting that you keep understanding how she felt. Through this, and your constant changes your are making, IT WILL GET BETTER.

Deep breath now, suck it all in, and remember Storm needs you to be her strength now ok?

You knocked her down, you CAN build her back up.

FM

[Lucky Man]

Thanks FM, and your right I do have to be strong. I don’t know if we will make it or not, but I am willing to spend my whole life trying to make it up to her. This isn’t a marriage councilor’s site, but I just have to keep writing about what devastation p has created. If this helps anyone say to themselves “man, I don’t want to be in his shoes”, then that will be one less person that has to go through this living hell. The only redeeming issue of this nightmare is that I am p and mb free, and wil continue on my path of recovery no matter what happens, there is NO place for that in my new life, whatever that may be. Here’s my mission planner I made up yesterday….

My mission guide plan:

My new life started on June 1st 2008.

I am weakest when:

I am alone, and I am alone a lot. I have a revolving schedule and work a lot of nights and weekends. Over the years I started giving in to my boredom and the justifications and rationalizing of my behavior to look at p and mb got the better of me.

To counter this I will:

I have already changed my schedule at work, I will be working all day shifts, and very few week-ends, this was for many reasons, but with more time with my family I will be able to keep my thoughts and priorities in line.

My biggest triggers are:

That’s a tough one. I have mb for close to 40 years, and the p for 25. Not thinking I had a problem with either, just did it whenever I wanted, not lying about it just not sharing the information with anyone. That slowly started to take over more and more of who I was and affected me in several not so positive ways. I started replacing my intimate time with my wife with my “habit”. All of this was unknown to me, I blamed our lack of sex to the rigors of marriage and gloomed around telling myself that if she loved me, she would show it, and that she just wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I was a moody bastard, and knowing deep down that the love of my life did in fact still love and desire me made me transparent. The amount of times Storm would ask me what’s wrong? And my snappy reply of “nothing I’m just tired”, man if I had a dollar for every time I said that…..Sorry I digress….my triggers-- in the past I would have access to p everywhere I turned, my own, crap lying around at work, stations I would go to throughout my job. EVERYWHERE. So I had the opportunity and the time. Not a good thing for someone not admitting that they have a problem.

To counter this I will:

Now this one I like. This actually made me feel good for a minute. I dumped every bit of p I had, 100’s of old mags. and a shoe box of very old vhs tapes. I also took the liberty to junk anything I found lying around at work, not caring if they belonged to someone or not. If I see it, it’s going in the can. And I don’t have a problem letting others know my position on p, I feel that my candor with the topic will make people realize just how serious I am to keep that crap out of my life. So to counter my triggers of having time and opportunity, I will not let p be an option in my life. As long as I have that instilled in my thought process, I’m good to go. You could line the streets with p, but it’s all going in the can. Mind over matter!

I am going to replace my new found free time with:

Wow, where do I start. First more REAL time with my family, I feel like I have just been going through the motions, kind of like a bad day at work where you catch yourself looking at the clock all day long. Things recently have been much better, I feel stronger, look healthier. (lost 25 pounds on the sorrow and guilty diet plan-wouldn’t recommend it) I am also spending a considerable amount of time on this site and similar ones, it’s amazing how reading and posting your struggles and aspirations can help. Lastly, anything healthy, I have toned down, so I think I’ll try to hit the weights and get physically stronger, and spend more time in the garden, that is very therapeutic for me.

[Vorlan]

I can see things have been very tough for you and Storm recently. I think that you are definately tackling this head-on though which is great. It's never going to be easy to work through this but I think anyone, like FM for example, who has got through it can tell you that it is worth it. It is really great to see how you are talking to eachother about this and trying to work through it together. I think that is one of the things that kills P-use quickest. Honesty. Keep coming here and talking to Storm when things get tough. It's really awesome that you're going on a bit of a crusade in getting rid of all the P that coud tempt you. The best way to not relapse is to avoid everything that tempts you, I can see you've started a trigger list. That's always a good idea, don't be afraid to add to it as much as you want. There are an unbelievable amount of triggers we get exposed to on a daily basis.

So I hope that things get easier for both of you. Keep working through this and keep up the great attitiude.

Best of luck with everything,

Ben