I don’t really know where to start but here we go ….. I spend the last 2 days reading a lot of all your stories and I just wanted to thank you! It opened my eyes! There is no way back now…. Here is my story that I see more clearly now: I was looking at porn for a long time. I never thought about it being wired or not normal. As a teenager I guess it is sort of a normal progress of growing up and I think back than I didn’t have a problem. It was never a big part of my life; just something that popped up every now and then. The years went by, I am getting older and I buy my first computer and my first modem. All very exciting, endless possibilities! Then a friend shows me some of his ‘little’ porn collection he downloaded from the internet and told me where to find all this free porn. I guess this is when everything went out of control. The internet gave me the possibility to watch porn whenever I wanted, for free and in private. Still, I never considered this being a big problem since I knew everybody was doing it. The years went by, I got married and was leading what I thought was a happy life. I continued watching porn, sometimes for hours, to a point where when my wife went on business trips I was looking forward to a whole night of porn browsing and an early start back at the computer in the morning. I started thinking that maybe I should try to put a stop to all this, that maybe this is the reason my ‘real’ sex life was getting less and less frequent and exciting, that maybe this is the reason my wife is complaining about that distance that she feels between us, that maybe it is not as normal as I made myself believe it is. So I stopped for a few days, sometimes even for a week or longer and things were looking brighter. But then the desire was getting stronger and I was falling back to the old patterns, thinking this is just normal, it is a normal male thing to watch porn, even that it would help and improve my relationship. Total denial! This goes on for years until 3 weeks ago I have another of those realizations and decide to quite watching porn and make everything better for my marriage. A few days without porn, my wife and I are having sex daily, I do little things for her to show my love; our life is great! I come home one night after having a few beers in a bar and start opening up to her that from now on everything will be better, I am going to change a few things, etc. She tells me that she noticed that I haven’t been this happy in a long time and asks me what is it that I did change and want to change? So, I open up and confess to her that I like to watch porn and that I might have a small problem with it but no big deal: It’s all over now anyway! This was when I basically destroyed her life! I never thought that my ‘little hobby’ would have such a devastating effect on her! Her whole world went upside down and so did mine. The last 3 weeks were the most painful weeks of my entire life. I didn’t understand the big deal. The days after my confession I tried to play it down, tried to crawl back into my hole and pretend ignorance. I talked to a few of my friends and they all told me she is overreacting, everybody watches porn, no big deal! Basically I wanted to go back to my life of denial and ignorance; but there was no way back anymore! I am starting to realize what I’ve done to her and especially to MYSELF! It is a very dark and painful journey I am taking right now. Slowly I am admitting to the truth and it hurts. It is a hard thing to admit you are a Porn Addict! And what it has done to you! And I am just at the beginning. But at least admitting to it lifted a big weight of my shoulders. I can’t really say I feel better now, I don’t, I feel lost, I don’t like the person I see in the mirror, I know there is more to me than this PA, but it is just painful to have found this someone deep inside of you! I have to thank my wife! She was the one that send me a link to this site. And through all your stories I was able to reach deep down and start to admit to my addiction. Later that night we sat down and talked and for the first time in 3 weeks there was something else then just mistrust, hate and sadness in her eyes! I know that she wants to stand by my side and I can’t thank her enough for this!!!! I know there is a long way to go but now I know I don’t have to go there alone. I hope that writing this all down and becoming part of this community will help me not to forget. I hope that this is one step in the right direction to come clean with myself and to a more fulfilling, happy and porn free life.
Hey Lost. Admitting that you are a PA is something not easy to do. So give yourself a pat on the back that you have at least seen things for what they are, rather than gone back to your old ways. Like what one of the title of a journal here says, the truth is painful, but required. Now that you have seen things for what they truly are, I hope that you will be motivated to fight back and reclaim your life.
They are some strategies here that you can pick up from the other members and on this site as well. So long as it works for you, keep using it! I wish you all the best
The Following User Says Thank You to Little lock For This Useful Post:
Today it has been 3 weeks since I last watched porn! I feel great about that but it wasn't easy all the time. My wife and I try to communicate about my addiction as much as possible although I feel it hard to open up to her all the way. I believe that I am still kind of embarrassed about it all. We still sleep in different rooms but I can feel and see that we are on the right way. I am so lucky and thankful that she is standing by my side. She was asking me what kind of plan I had for my PA and I told her that I wouldn't really have one yet. That made her very angry since the said she has to see me working on my recovery. She wouldn't know what I was doing during the day and since her trust in me is as good as gone she would need some reassurance by me taking some steps. I don’t know how I can make her believe me and show her that I am changing and although we did install some sort of spyware on our computer she thinks that it takes more than just stopping watching porn and I agree. I will need some sort of plan to be able to fight it when the urge comes back. I mean at the moment I would say it is easier than I thought. I guess that's because: 1. I, myself, decided to stop my PA for myself 2. I am desperately trying to save my marriage! It makes total sense to choose a happy life with my wife and being happy with myself than living in this fake world of denial and secrecy! But I am scared that once we will sort things out between us and things go back to 'normal' that my addiction might resurface again. I want to be ready for that! I just don't know how? Just like Bodget1974 I am stopping with 2 addictions at the same time: Porn and Cigarettes! Although, it is really hard to quite my smoking habit (it’s been 3 weeks as well!!!!!!), it is way easier to talk to my wife about my battles with the cigarettes and to show her results than it is to talk to her about my PA and to figure out a fight plan! Anyway, it has been 3 weeks and I am proud of myself and I know I am on the right way. I wouldn’t be here today without TTF. I am amazed by how good it feels to know that there are people out there that go through the same struggle and that care for you! Thanks guys!
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LOST For This Useful Post:
This morning was a tough one.... The temptation was huge. I didn't have to work and I was home alone. I tried to distract myself by cleaning the house, going through old documents, etc. but the computer was always in plain view. So I sat down and went straight TTF and started reading.... Thanks guys! I am calmer and believe I will make it through the day now!
I just wanted to say hang in there Lost... it's a tough struggle but as you realise already you're life can be so much more fulfilling without p.
What you say about waiting for your wife to leave so that you could hit the p really rings true with me. I used to do the exact same thing. With the benefit of hindsight it's easy to see how harmful that behaviour can be to a relationship.
Good luck with kicking the cigarettes too! You know what they say 'healthy body, healthy mind'...
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing." George Bernard Shaw
The Following User Says Thank You to bananaman For This Useful Post:
you did what i tend to due
find a way to work thru it
don't let it beat you
tring to kick two things at once i'm still on my cigs
that will be next for me
stay on track
The Following User Says Thank You to brokensoul For This Useful Post:
I made it through yesterday!!!! The whole day was pretty though but I kept busy.... went surfing, then on a hike and in the evening for a long run. In a way I guess all this exercise kept me happy and occupied although I am super sore today. I kept thinking last night that it is not really getting any easier at the moment. I mean when I first stopped going online and watching P I continued MB, not as frequent as before but still. Then I realized that I was just giving into my addiction, that I was just cheating myself since I wasn’t really fighting the bigger problem. I just remembered all the pictures and scenes that are still all over my brain and jerked off. Nothing really changed. Now, havening stopped the MB it really hit me hard yesterday. But I made it through and well I feel great. I know if I would have given in I would not have been motivated to do all those great outdoors things. I would have probably spend most of the day in front of the computer, would have never left the house and would have felt frustrated, angry! Instead, choosing this new road, I feel proud, motivated and healthy. I had a long conversation with my wife last night and told her about my day and my feelings, my struggle. Being this open to her about my feelings is something new for me and is not the easiest thing to do. But sharing this with her is showing her that I am in the middle of this battle and had my first real victory! And this earned me some sympathy on her side. What a great reward!!!! Today is a good day. I guess I am still on this kind of high for last night.
It has been a while since my last entry but I guess you always come back when you need help. Anyway, the last week was overall a pretty good one. I can feel the positive effects that my being porn free has on my relationship and me. It is hard to explain but somehow I can think clearer and the conversations my wife and I have are more constructive. It feels like that there was always this invisible wall of lies between us and now it is gone. There are no more secrets or lies that I have to tell her or MYSELF. It is a very positive and rewarding feeling indeed. But it isn’t easy all the time. I’ve been at home for the last 3 days with a cold. No way of working out or leaving the house and distracting myself in any other way. The temptation was always there but I felt strong until today…. A friend of mine told me about this web site where you can watch movies online. Basically you can watch anything you want, from the newest movies that are still playing in the theaters to PORN. So I was cruising through the movie titles (they weren’t separated after different genres) and there was this one title that sounded kind of fishy but you couldn’t have been sure. Anyway, I clicked to open a description of the movie and there it was: a picture of the cover of the DVD. Two naked girls and a guy in the middle. I closed the window and turn the computer off. In a way I feel proud that I stopped there and didn’t start watching the movie or masturbated. On the other hand I feel like I failed. I knew that title sounded fishy but I couldn’t stand the temptation and I had to look. So I lost this battle. I keep asking myself what I could have done differently but I know all the answers: I deliberately put myself into this position, I turned on the computer, I went to this web site, and even after I noticed that there was porn on this site I didn’t turn away. I guess I wanted to know how far I would be able to go without failing. I guess what I am trying to say is that the dangers are out there EVERYWHERE! And that I noticed I still have a long way to go on my road to a porn free life! BTW: I am in for the August challenge!
Still P and MB free! I was very busy working all last weekend. That always helps a bunch. Now, I am back home and the temptation is returning. Not too much wanting to watch P but to MB. Trying to stay head strong and keeping busy around the house. I guess I better get out of here. Need the company of other people. I noticed that I am on the edge for the last couple of days. It is a pretty hard struggle at the moment. I can even feel it effecting me physically, feel kind of sick in my stomach. Try not to show it, especially since things are getting better and better with the wife, but being on the edge and under all this pressure doesn't really make for a harmony life between us. Hope that this is just one of those days and will go away, eventually forever. Always helps to go to TTF, though. Don't know how often I would have relapsed without it. Thanks!
A painful journey -
07-26-2008, 12:52 AM
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