Had a pretty busy week.... We moved to a new place.... packing and all kept me pretty busy.... Although it always sucks to move I kind of enjoyed it since it was something my wife and I did together.... something we both looked forward to (the new flat not the moving part ;-)) and we were able to leave all our issues and my PA behind.... at least for a while.... Then today it hit us.... not talking for a while might have felt good for some time but nothing really improved either.... so tonight we ended up feeling frustrated and up sad about our situation. We were and are getting along just fine, but more on a friendship basis rather than being a couple. There is absolutely no intimacy between us.... every time I try to approach her she blocks. So tonight she was telling me she needed more communication between us.... I understand, it just felt nice to get away from all this for a while but she saw this as a kind of taking the easy way out again.... not wanting to face reality and so on…. Anyway, she needs an action plan from me.... I think I do have something like that.... NO MORE P, no MB, trying to work out all my triggers and coming up with defense mechanisms, etc....
I decided to stay abstinence for some time (meaning no MB), I didn't set myself a goal of 30 days or longer because I thought I would know when I would be ready to approach my wife with 'clean' thoughts again, whether that would take 14 days or 4 month. So now I believe I would be ready to slowly get closer again but it seems like my wife is far from being there yet. We talked about that but she still feels like every time I try to get closer to her is because I am horny and I just see her as an object of my pleasure. I really don't know how I can make her understand that all I am searching for is some warmth and some sort of feeling of security.... Once again, I am lost and all I want is to reestablish some sort of trust between us.... I know that it will take time to get back to where we once were but we will have to start somewhere, right? I thought with the new flat and all would symbolize a new start for both of us as well, but I guess life is not that easy. Feeling sad and exhausted tonight but tomorrow will be a better day!!!!!!!
This horny thing is a confusing issue. When is it a part of our P addiction and when is it a part of a mutually interactive relationship.
If our SO felt this would we turn her down ?
After 138 days P and MB clean I still feel horny but my partner is bothered by this. I do not have any P urges but want my wife as a mutual sx partner.
Hang n there - we are on a journey that staying clean can only help.
Dave
The Following User Says Thank You to dave For This Useful Post:
like yourself i do still have my needs
but i did face the fact that it would take some time before my so
would even want to let me close to her
just this weekend we did have some contact
but i still know that what i did still hurts her
and that i have a long way to go
i have been p free for 60 days now only mb two times alone
it will take time don't push the issue, talk about things
stay on the path
listen to dave he knows this road and can be a great help
stay strong
Last edited by brokensoul; 08-20-2008 at 02:52 AM.
Reason: spelling again
The Following User Says Thank You to brokensoul For This Useful Post:
You are in what many would agree is the toughest part of the journey to being P free. Continue to hang tough, you are making excellent progress.
All the wife-type issues you describe are perfectly normal reactions for a wife/GF/SO to have in the face of what they view as the ultimate betrayal. Of course it will take Herculean patience for you to give her space and time to think things through. I have read some folks advocate taking a 90-day (!) break from any sx-ual activity to sort of reset your ways and means of thinking/doing it. I didn't go this route with Mrs. Daniel by mutual consent but it shows there are a range of reactions and options and be prepared for whatever will work for your wife.
If you can go without a PC I'd get rid of it altogether -but still stay on TTF ha ha, probably not possible. It's real easy: if that is your biggest temptation (you mention it staring at you in the lonely room) then it has to go or at least make it real difficult to get to (the alcoholic who locks his booze up inside three cabinets to make relapse very intentional).
I see you stumbled into a trigger with the movie perusal thing. Good news is you recognized it at least in hindsight. This shows you're being way more aware of what's going on and not just stumbling around and blaming your circumstances. Nice work. Watch those triggers like they are rattlesnakes. I have to constantly remind myself to "WATCH IT!". I don't bother looking up news photos anymore because of the risk of seeing something that will be a trigger. And I like the news and being informed. Oh well, that was one of the things I gave up to recover from PA. And the list goes on by the way.
But as the journey proceeds, the right freedoms return more glorious and enjoyable.
Thank you guys!
Always helps that there are other people out there that care and try to help you through this rough time! Really appreciate it!
I am on my way out the door but will make some time tomorrow to post! Had a few rough days but tonight things look a bit brighter and I am going to see an old friend of mine who just got back into town!
I know it has been a while but now I'm back again.
I took some time off, went to see my family (which I only see once a year, if even) and afterwards met up with my wife to see her family for a while and go to a wedding.
Over all it was a great time and I have to say I came back with a lot of new strength for my battle.
I am still porn free, the temptations are still there but being with family helped a lot and I was even able to forget about all my problems for a while.
And also being on a sort of vacation with my wife was probably the best thing that could have happened to us. For us being away from our usual surroundings and being surrounded by family that loves you felt very good for both of us. Naturally our relationship improved a bunch as well. Although we still didn't have sex we had a couple of very intimate nights together.
I finished the august challenge being porn free and MB free but started MBing in Sept. again. I don't know exactly how I feel about it, basically trying hard to keep my mind of any porn images but it is not very easy so in a way I feel like I am falling of the wagon everytime I MB. That's why I was trying to keep it to a minimum but just decided to quite for the rest of the month again. I guess I have a bad conscience about it after all.
Anyway, things are looking brighter in my life but I realized that I won't be on vacation for the rest of my life and have to face reality again incl. my personal fight against my PA.
Always good to have TTF, though. I don't know what I'd have done without all you guys, all your good advice and your fights in with I can mirror myself......
08-19-2008, 11:02 AM
can relate -
08-19-2008, 04:19 PM
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